Coldness
I couldn’t have been more than eight at the time. My mother, being the tiger she was, had gotten angry with me. For the third time that month she kicked me out. I sat on the nearly broken chair that stayed alone and away from all the other chairs on the porch. It was night, but the sky was not black; it was red. Snow fell at rapid speed, like white horses running wild. Beautiful, powerful white horses. I would have to look at the beauty and wonder of these horses until my mother’s anger passed. I don’t know how long I was out there, but it could have been between five minutes to an hour, perhaps more. I did look at the white horses; they were calling to me. They called my name, Jennet! Jennet! Come taste the power! They were begging me to ride with them, these horses. I couldn’t resist; the calling was too strong. I walked off the porch and left the sad, broken chair. My bare feet burned in the cold snow, but it didn’t seem to matter. Bits of white stuck to my dark hair, like I was changing and becoming someone different. My Barbie pajamas were getting wet too, but I was already lost in this world of Cold, Strength, and Power. I wanted to stay in it forever. I looked up and let the snow gently fall on my face and tongue. The sky was very red, like blood and I wanted to taste that blood, but I couldn’t; all I could taste were the white horses that fell from the blood-sky. The power of the snow filled me. My blood ran cold; I was strong and I liked it. I enjoyed this feeling of Cold, but I couldn’t stay in it forever, because that’s when my mother called me in, shouting, ‘Jennet, get out of that snow!’
As the years passed I needed to fill myself with Cold. I would let it run their path through my veins. Snow came only in the winter and during the summers there was nothing but hot. During the first few summers I was always weak and defenseless. Later I ate ice-cubes; the Cold ran its path. I loved this power. I could turn down any command without the feeling of guilt or even ever getting in trouble. People just obeyed me. I just needed my Cold, or I could be weak. At least I thought.
There was one person who never obeyed me. There was one person who could make me feel guilty. I don’t know why, but he did. Wreck was his name, or so he told me the day I moved next door. I didn’t think it was his real name, but I never bothered to ask. Later I would find out that his name was really Roger, but I stilled called him Wreck for he was. He was the same age, in the same grade, and in all the same classes. He was rather immature, but taller than me, even when I first moved next door at the age of thirteen. He annoyed me to the max, but I never protested. I didn’t show my emotions to anyone, so he never seemed to notice if I was annoyed with him or not. He always made jokes at which he laughed at, he alone. I slapped him once, but he just tackled me. His cousin once visited and I made her cry, so he hit me to hurt me too. He was fair and I couldn’t get pass him, no matter how much power in me. The power of the Cold didn’t work with him. He didn’t understand it. He couldn’t fear it. While the rest of the world feared me, he would just stand there saying, want to see the new game I got, Jennet? It became well know to everybody that Wreck could get by, and they treated him with some respect, but mostly feared him like they did I. Yet, no matter how clueless and random he was, it was Wreck that stopped the power of the Cold.
On the day after our high school graduation, I expected it to be like all that other summers. Wreck would visit my house bringing some newly discovered “cool” game, and I would visit his when he asked. But as soon as summer was over, I would be able to go off to college and break the hearts of many more men and make more girls cry. It was on a day that Wreck came to my house smiling a full teeth smile, acting completely carefree and perky, that he understood the Cold. At noon Wreck rang the doorbell, carrying a box of pizza and, wow, Chess. I knew he would never bring a board game unless something was the matter. ‘Something wrong?’ I had asked him. I really didn’t know why I cared, because I was the Cold queen; I wasn’t supposed to care. He just kept smiling and shook his head, ‘No’. We set up the chess game and began eating the pizza. I never took my eyes off the board. It was a war, and all they enemy soldiers feared mine. The blood-red and devil-black checkered board was a great battle field to a war I won, but just barely that day. I was once on the Chess team, but they kicked me off for being a “poor sport” when we lost. Then again I was kicked off all teams I ever joined; it was all part of being Cold. I could feel Wreck looking at me, and I knew something was wrong. Maybe he thought we were on a different level since we went to the Prom. He had asked me to the prom for the reasons of 1) he knew no one would take me, but I didn’t really care and 2) all the other girls he asked had said no.
‘If you don’t tell me what’s bothering you,’ I had said, ‘I’ll have to force it out of you.’ I still don’t know why I even asked. Perhaps, I had thought, the Cold was leaving.
‘How?’ he had asked. Acting completely confused, but I had known him long enough to know he was lying.
‘By letting you win,’ I had replied chewing my pizza. That got his attention, because he hated when people let him win on purpose.
‘You know me well, milady, to know something is wrong,’ he had smiled. I just took his bishop. ‘I’ve been thinking I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you smile.’ I forced my lips upward at this remark and looked at him. Happy now? my eyes asked, but he was indeed not. ‘Smile and mean it.’ I shook my head no. ‘Jennet,’ he sighed.
‘You will never get it, never. Now move,’ I said, but he didn’t.
‘You told me to tell you what was wrong and I did! So, why not help me feel better?’
‘It’s about power, not emotion,” I had stated standing up and looking directly into his eyes. He asked what is, and I answered, ‘This world.’
‘What does that have to do with anything?’ he had asked over and over, but I didn’t answer him. I just sat back down and ate the ice in my cup. ‘Stop that!’ he finally commanded me grabbing the cup away from me with one hand and holding my hand to keep me from reaching it. He let me go for a moment, but held the cup high, too high for me to reach it. ‘You’re cold,’ he said.
‘I was eating ice. Of course, I’m cold.’ He shook his head, saying that’s not what I mean.
‘Your heart is cold. Your blood is cold. You aren’t human, but you are somewhere down there.’ He looked straight into my eyes, and it was like he saw right through me. As if he could see the weak me. He was beginning to understand the Cold now.
‘You can’t stop the COLD! You can never stop the Cold! I want power! I don’t want to be weak!’ He looked at me, like he understood, but I knew he was confused. I knew he thought I was crazy. I knew he wouldn’t stop until I smiled meaningfully. ‘I need the Cold, Wreck. I need to be strong,’ my voice was barely a whisper now. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. I waited for any sound to come out, but none did, so I spoke again, ‘Just give me the Cold back, please.’ He looked unsure for a moment and then reluctantly handed it over. ‘Thank you,’ I whispered and I smiled, a relieved, genuine smile, a smile of pure kindness, and a smile that revealed everything.
Wreck left me alone after that. He never bothered me again. I went off to college and I never finished it. I let myself drift into the world of the cold. I was queen of that world, and I liked it. I could have all the cold I wanted. I would let it run through my veins, but I knew deep inside it was me that had the power.
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