A Comedy of Titles |
By Barb |
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. No infringement is intended in any part by the author, however, the ideas expressed within this story are copyrighted to the author. |
A Big Valley Parody |
Victoria Barkley came down the magnificent staircase in her home on the Barkley ranch. As she reached the halfway point, the front door opened and Heath, one of her sons, entered. He was, Victoria saw, obviously agitated. "Heath, Dear," she asked, "Is something wrong?" Heath wasted no time in answering her. "Boy Howdy, Mother," he began, tossing his hat toward the small table in the entryway. "Since I've been here, I've seen "Days Of Wrath", "A Day Of Terror, A "Day Of The Comet", and even a few "Days Of Grace," but I've never lived through a day like this." "Oh my, you make it sound as if we're living "Under A Dark Star," Dear," Victoria reacted with concern. "Won't you tell me what has happened?" Heath shook his head. "Well, Mother, you know Jarrod has taken on "Caesar's Wife" as his client?" "Yes, I know that," Victoria nodded. "Has that caused a problem that I don't know about?" Before Heath could form a reply, his sister, and Victoria's beautiful daughter, Audra, appeared at "The Top Of The Stairs." "Why are you both looking so serious?" the young woman inquired. Victoria rushed to explain to Audra all she knew. "Heath was about to tell me something about Jarrod, I believe. Am I correct, Heath?" Audra quickly came down the stairs. "Oh, Jarrod didn't run into some "Hazard" on his way to Stockton, did he?" "No, no," Heath told her. "But I do think he's a "Target" since he's representing that woman." Victoria studied her son. He was quite troubled, she saw. "Well, I knew "They Called Her Delilah," but I didn't believe Jarrod would be caused any trouble by being her attorney." "Mother," Audra frowned. "Why shouldn't they call her that? It's her name, I believe." "Never mind all that," Heath said impatiently. "Just let me tell you what's happened around here today." Patting Heath's arm lovingly, Victoria said, "Yes, of course. Do tell us." Heath drew a deep breath. Presumably, he was about to speak again, but just then the front door once again opened and another of Victoria's sons, Nick, joined them. Not one ever expected to tread lightly over a phrase, the latest arrival did not do so now. "Hide The Children!" Nick Barkley loudly proclaimed, tossing his hat toward the table as his brother had done before him. Victoria straightened her back. "Lower your voice, Nick. Now, you know there are no children here to hide. What is going on? Heath is acting as if there has been an "Earthquake" or an "Explosion" of some kind, but it all seems to have something to do with Jarrod and his client. Is that why you are so agitated, Nick?" "I do wish you two would tell Mother and me "The Secret," Audra joined in. Nick roared like a lion. "I tell you, Mother, if Pappy don't get down off of that "Wagonload Of Dreams" of his, and stop actin' like he's escortin' "A Passage Of Saints" through a "Tunnel Of Gold" this whole valley's gonna be like a "Deathtown!" "Nick, how you do exaggerate," Audra smiled sweetly. "You make it sound as though we're all on a "Danger Road" just because Jarrod has taken Delilah on as a client." "Don't be too hasty, little Sis," Heath spoke up. "For once, Nick's right. You know, Delilah's husband has been "Presumed Dead," but now they think he's alive and that he's taken out "A Bounty On A Barkley." Jarrod's in "A Flock Of Trouble." Victoria swayed as if about to faint. "Caesar has a bounty out on Jarrod?" "That's a fact," Nick replied. "And they say he's armed with "Forty Rifles." Audra was clearly alarmed. "Oh dear, we'd better warn Jarrod. He should catch "The Last Train To The Fair." "Now what in blazes would he want to go to the fair for, when he's got so much trouble here at home?" Nick growled at his sister. Chastened, Audra pouted. "Well, I just thought he might enjoy seeing those two outdoor plays they're presenting at the fair. What are they? Oh, yes. "The Run Of The Cat" and "The Night Of The Wolf." "Audra, Dear, you do shame to your "Heritage" sometimes," Victoria frowned. "Now, let's do try to think of some serious way to help Jarrod. It really sounds as though "A Noose Is Waiting" for him. "Yea," Nick agreed. "This kind of reminds me of when that fellow "Joshua Watson" got so upset when Jarrod defended his wife. What was her name?" "Miranda," Audra said helpfully. Before anyone could speak again, the front door opened and Jarrod Barkley entered. His first action was to toss his hat at the small table. He appeared surprised at the sight of his entire family standing there, and further surprised when his mother rushed to hug him. "My Son, My Son!" Victoria cried. "We've just been speaking of you." "Well now, pretty lady," Jarrod responded to the attention. "You seem troubled. Is there something amiss?" "Amiss! Amiss!" Nick belted out in a predictable manner. "Don't you know the trouble you're in, Pappy?" "Boy Howdy,, Jarrod," Heath added. "How'd you manage to get home safely?" Jarrod smiled his most charming. "Well, in Stockton, I stayed "Down Shadow Street," then on "The Long Ride" home, I took "The Royal Road." It's not heavily traveled. And on the way, I came upon "The Murdered Party." "Someone has been murdered, Jarrod?" Victoria wanted to know. "Why yes," Jarrod said. "I found Julius Caesar's body, and since I have reason to believe he was done in by a "Ladykiller," I must head back to Stockton for the sheriff." "Is that a fact?" Nick pounced on the news. "The killer wouldn't be that wife of his, would it?" Jarrod appeared sad. "I'm afraid so. I should never have taken Delilah as a client. She told me Caesar was long dead and wouldn't care if I represented her in her financial affairs. But, alas, it seems he was just away, and when he returned and decided to kill me, she killed him instead." "Well, Dear," Victoria seemed pleased. "All has turned out well for you then. What do you suppose will be "The Price Of Victory?" "I really don't know, Mother," Jarrod said. "I suppose the answer to that will come from a "Judgement In Heaven." |