Cow Cookies

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.

Victoria has the Reverend and the Ladies Society over for tea again. How will things go this time? Recommend reading Over-Exposed first is you want to get some of the reference herein.

"What are you baking Mother?" Audra inquired as she strolled into the kitchen.

"Cookies to go with our tea dear. You do remember the Reverend and the Ladies Society are coming by this afternoon?" Victoria inquired, pointedly looking at Audra who was dressed to go riding.

"Of course I do. I'm just going to pop into town to get the mail. I am expecting a letter from Sally and I want to see if it has arrived yet."

"Well don't be gone long, she admonished as she turned her attention back to the dough. "I decided to use the cow shaped cookie cutter from Martha. I hope the Reverend doesn't think it is too … well … irreverent," Victoria chuckled.

"Oh I think it's cute Mother", Audra replied. "I'm off."

"Off where?" Nick asked as he came into the kitchen.

"To get the mail," Audra answered as she flounced out the door.

Nick walked over to where Victoria was working cutting out the cow-cookies and placing them on a tray to be baked. "For me?" he jokingly inquired.

Victoria looked up from the half-filled tray. "You may certainly have some this afternoon if you wish to join us for tea with the Reverend and the Ladies Society."

"Humph. Ladies Society? Ah. Nope. Way to busy. I have to help Heath to fix that downed fence in the North pasture."

"Don't need your help Nick. Can do it myself," Heath drawled as he walked into the kitchen giving Victoria a wink and a quick peck on the cheek. "That will free you up to remain here and entertain the Ladies Society … again. Hope you'll dress more appropriate this time. Did you take a bath this morning?"

Nick scowled at his brother as a faint blush crept onto his cheeks. Heath threw a half grin back at his him.

"No Sir. I pull my own weight around here. Besides, I want to make sure the fence job is done proper."

Heath cocked an eyebrow at Nick. "Well brother Nick, I have mended a lot of fences in my days. I do believe you can trust me to do a proper job."

"No, I'm coming. End of the discussion," Nick pronounced as he turned his attention to another tray of cow cookies, fresh from the oven. "Ya know, there is something wrong with these cookies," he said as he picked up a warm cookie and bit the head off.

"What on earth do you mean? Victoria asked. "This is a very good recipe. These cookies are perfect. And, " Victoria added as Nick helped himself to a second cookie, "I'll thank you to leave some for our company."

Nick grinned and then studied the cow cookie again.

"Hmmm. I think I'd better make up another batch. I know the Reverend has quite a sweet tooth. I'll need a few more eggs. Be right back. Heath, make sure your brother does not eat all the cookies while I'm gone," Victoria instructed.

Heath nodded his head silently, though he immediately grabbed a cookie for himself the minute Victoria left the kitchen.

"These taste fine to me Nick," Heath said as he contently munched on his cookie.

"It's not the taste that is wrong, it's the look." Nick held up a cow cookie up for his brother to inspect. Heath looked at it and shrugged his shoulder. "Looks like a cow to me. Four legs, horns and a tail."

"That is exactly my point. It looks like a cow. It is a sissy cookie," Nick declared as he chomped the legs off. Brushing the crumbs from his hands, he walked over to where a tray of unbaked cookies sat. Reaching into the bowl of excess dough, he pinched off a small piece. After shaping his little piece of dough, he carefully applied it to one of the cows. "Now, that's a cookie!" he said in a satisfied tone as he proudly stood back and folded his arms across his chest.

Heath peered over Nick's shoulder at his creation. He looked at the cookie, then at Nick, and then back at the cookie.

"Well," he said clearing his throat. "It is certainly a very … ahhh … well … ahhh bullish cookie," Heath grinned ruefully. "But do you think it is appropriate to serve to the Ladies Society?"

Nick rubbed his hands gleefully, absentmindedly spreading flour on the front of his dark shirt. "For those old biddies, definitely," he chuckled. "Hell, they probably won't even know what they are looking at. They didn't last time. Cmon", he ordered. "Help me doctor up the rest of these cookies."

Heath was going to refuse but Nick fixed him with a stare that did not allow for refusal. Heath sighed and did as instructed. The boys made quick work of converting the cow cookies to bull cookies.

Finishing up the first tray, Nick looked around the kitchen and spied another tray. "Hey, here's another tray that hasn't been cooked yet. Give me a hand."

The boys had even more fun converting these cookies, each brother trying to top the other one's handiwork. By the end, some of the bulls came out very well endowed indeed.

"C'mon, let's get out of here before Mother returns," Nick said grabbing Heath's arm and propelling him towards the door.

Both brothers liberated a few more baked cookies to eat as they headed out the kitchen door. They passed Victoria who was on her way back with the eggs.

She looked pointedly at the cookies in their hands. "Did you boys leave any for the guests?"

Heath started to, well giggle, was the word that popped into Victoria mind. She took a closer look at her sons and noticed the floury hand print on Heath's arm and the floury residue on the front of Nick's shirt.

"Oh, we definitely left some cookies for your guests Mother," Nick answered with a huge smirk as the brothers continued on their way to the stable

Before Victoria could ask why the boys were covered in flour, they disappeared into the stable. She shook her head at her son's peculiar behavior. "I wonder about those two sometimes," she muttered as she went back into the kitchen with her basket of eggs.

Silas was in the kitchen. He stood, staring intently at the tray of unbaked cookies on the table. He did not even look up as she entered the room.

"Silas, would you please finish baking those cookies while I mix up the dough for a new batch."

"Yes. Mrs. Barkley." Silas hesitated. "Ma'am, you do mean these cookies here."

"Yes Silas, those cookies there. They are for the tea this afternoon."

"And you want me to bake these cookies?" he asked slowly.

"Yes. Please."

"These cookies right here?" Silas asked again.

"Yes, those cookies there," she answered in an exasperated tone.

"And you are gonna serve them this afternoon?"

"IF they ever get baked, yes that is the plan."

"Alright," Silas said. He picked up the tray and started for the oven. Then he stopped, turned around and placed the tray back on the table. "Ah, Mrs. Barkley. You'd better come look at these cookies before I bake them. I think there is something wrong with them," his said, his voice tinged with puzzlement.

Victoria threw her hands up in the air and walked over to the table. "First Nick, now you. Silas, what on earth is wrong with these," she started as she looked down at the tray. Victoria closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them the same sight still greeted her.

"Oh my God. It had to be those two. I can not believe they made my nice cow cookies into anatomically correct bull cookies. Flour on the shirts indeed."

Victoria stood straight, placed her hands on her hips and stared at the bull cookies for a few minutes.

"Well, we'll just see about that," Victoria said determinedly as she grabbed a knife and began to castrate the bulls. While she did the deed, she muttered the whole time under her breath. "Wasn't it bad enough that the last time the ladies came for tea Nick showed up nude … Heath laughing like a hyena ...those two boys … grumble ... application of the switch … grumble nothing but trouble … grumble."

Silas winced at the forthright manner in which Victoria went about correctly the "bull" problem. He took a quick glance down at his own anatomy and sidled across the kitchen as Victoria continued to hack, in a most unlady-like manner, at the cookies.

The rest of the morning passed uneventfully. Silas and Victoria finished baking the cookies, making the sandwiches and setting up the house up for the tea. They were nearly done when Victoria discovered one last tray of cookies that never got baked. Observing the oven was still hot, she quickly slipped the cookies in, asking Silas to watch them while she went upstairs to change.

Silas did as instructed and when they were done, he set them on the counter to cool.

Victoria washed up and chose her rose colored -brocade gown to wear. She thought it was an elegant outfit and would help set a dignified tone; something her last tea party started with, but quickly lost after Nick appeared in the parlor naked as a jay bird. She gave herself the once-over in the mirror, added a string of pearls and then nodded. Yes. She was dressed perfectly for what she wanted to achieve. Dignity.

She walked through the parlor, giving it a military-type inspection. Fresh flowers - check. Crystal sparkling - check. Linens crisply folded - check. Windows open admitting a subtle rose-scented breeze - check. Stain on carpet … stain on carpet? She bent over to take a better look. It was near one of the wing chairs. It was faint, but still, she was surprised she never noticed it before. Then it dawned on her; it must have been hidden by the couch that usually stood in the spot. She had arranged the parlor for the tea, moved that couch, and thereby exposed the stain. Victoria straightened up and hurried into the kitchen.

"Silas. I spotted a stain on the carpet in the parlor."

"Stain, Mrs. Barkley? I didn't notice any stain."

"It was hidden by the couch. Now the couch is not there but the stain is. Please see if you can remove it. I don't want to chance getting this dress dirty and having to change again."

Silas nodded in agreement. Victoria was not dressed for scrubbing at carpets.

"I'll take care of getting the sandwich and cookie platters arranged."

"Yes Ma'am," Silas relied as he got the cleaning supplies and left the kitchen.

Victoria had finished arranging the sandwich tray and was about to start on the cookie platter when Audra rushed breathlessly into the kitchen.

"Mother, Mother. I have such news to tell you. I heard it in town while I was getting the mail. It seems Diane, you remember Diane Mother, the new teacher, short, dark-haired "anyway she apparently caught the fancy of"" and Audra launched into this long and incredibly complicated love-triangle tale. Victoria continued to work on the cookie platter but as Audra went on, she found her attention wavering from the task at hand to the sordid tale Audra was relating.

""and so she went with him. Can you believe that Mother?" Audra finished.

"That is a most unusual situation," she replied, mentally shaking herself from the stupor she had fallen into listening to the tale.

The jingling of harness pieces accompanied by the sharp crack of hoof beats sounded in the drive.

"I got the stain up Mrs. Barkley. Just in time too. The Reverend and the Ladies are here," Silas announced, returning from the parlor.

"Drats. They are early. Audra, hurry upstairs and change. Silas finish this platter. I'll get the door myself."

"Yes, Mrs. Barkley." Silas replied. As he went to place the cookies on the tray, the teakettle whistled, Audra yelled from the upstairs something about a missing blue gown, and Victoria popped her head back in the kitchen asking him to bring an extra teacup for an unexpected guest. Flustered having three things needing to be done at once, Silas quickly threw the cookies on the platter without looking at them and rushed to complete the rest of the requests.

Victoria thought the tea was going splendid this time. The conversation flowed easily, the sandwiches were consumed with great enjoyment by all, and no nude Barkley's appeared in the house. Now it was time for the desert to be served.

She hesitated momentarily before asking Silas to bring in the cookies. Originally, she thought the ladies might enjoy the novelty of a shaped cow cookie. The cow cutter had come all the way from back East where shaped cookies were all the rage. But now, as she thought about it again, she decided the cows were not really as ...well elegant as the tone she had tried to set so far.

Maybe I won't serve them. I mean there was plenty of food already. No one looked hungry she thought. Well, she mentally amended, except for the Reverend, who every now and then, eagerly looked in the direction of the kitchen. I forgot what a sweet tooth he has, Victoria thought. He will be expecting some sort of desert. She'd have to serve them.

"Silas, would you bring in the cookies please?" she asked.

Silas nodded and hurried off to comply.

"Victoria, these cookies look scrumptious," the Reverend said as he took a cookie from the tray Silas was presenting him. "And the cow shape is very ingenious, " he added. "Somehow fitting for this area of the country."

Victoria nodded graciously as Silas presented the tray to the next lady.

As the Reverend went to bite into the cookie, he stopped and took a closer look at it. One of the ladies inquired where Victoria had found the cookie cutter and Victoria launched into the tale of how it had come into her possession. The more she spoke, the quieter the room grew. Victoria mentally congratulated herself as the ladies listened, spell-bound she thought, by her tale.

Finally, Silas presented the near-empty tray to Audra who looked at it, gasped and burst forth with a rather loud giggle.

Victoria threw a sharp look at her daughter. Audra only giggled more under her mother's stern gaze. Victoria shook her head warningly and Audra quickly took a cookie and tried to stifle her giggles.

Silas presented the cookie platter to Victoria. She glanced down to take a cow cookie. There was only one cookie left on the tray, lying smack-dab in the middle, in her unobstructed view. Only, it wasn't a cow cookie. Oh, no. It was a bull cookie with a dough dingle, a very large and very noticeable dingle.

Victoria felt her face flush and a small rivulet of sweat trickled down her back. My God they had done it to her again. Wait til she got her hands on Nick and Heath.

Reverend," Victoria said breaking the silence. "I think we should conclude this meeting with a prayer session. I know two boys that are going to need prayers when I get done with them."

The End

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