The next morning, the Barkleys were sitting around the table having breakfast. "Where's Jarrod?" Victoria asked Nick.

"He'll be down shortly. I heard him stumbling around very late last night," Nick said picking up a piece of toast.

Suddenly shouts broke the morning stillness. Silas came running into the house hollering. "Mr. Heath, Mr. Nick, oh somebody! Come quick! Something's wrong with one of the hens in the hen house! Oh my, oh my! Please come quick!"

No one made a move to get up. Everyone knew Silas was overly fussy about those hens and nobody wanted to interrupt their breakfast.

Silas ran into the dining room. "Oh, please Mr. Nick, Mr. Heath. Please come out to the hen house. There's black magic in there."

"Black magic?!" Nick bellowed.

"There, there, calm down Silas," Victoria soothed. "Nick, would you please go out to the hen house with Silas and see what the problem is?"

"Oh, but Mother, this black magic business is foolish. I'll just finish my breakfast first." Nick speared another sausage.

Victoria looked at Silas. She could tell he was very troubled. He was wringing his hands and had a very anxious expression on his face. "Now Nicholas."

"Better bring your gun, Mr. Nick," Silas said looking relieved.

"Oh, for Pete's sake. Come on," Nick sighed and got up from the table. He headed for the door with Silas in tow.

"I'll just go along. You may need some backup," Heath chuckled.

Nick barged into the hen house and looked around. "There's nothing inhere but us chickens," he laughed. Heath followed him in. Silas peeked around the door.

"Well? Where is this black magic you've been wailing about?" Nick asked.

Silas pointed over to the corner at a rather unremarkable looking chicken. The little white chicken sat on its nest looking back at them. Suddenly, they heard, "I'm hungry. When do we eat?" Nick startled and jumped back grabbing onto Heath who also jumped back.

Silas said, "I told you Mr. Nick. I told you. It's black magic. That chicken talks. She said terrible things to me earlier. Now, I'd best get back up to the house. Mrs. Barkley will be waiting for her tea."He scrambled back to the house as fast as he could.

"Heath," Nick said, "did I hear what I thought I heard?"

Heath thought about it and then said, "I didn't hear nuthin, Nick, I'm goin back to the house." Heath started to turn but Nick grabbed his sleeve.

"What are you, chicken?"

"Of course not Nick, but my breakfast is getting cold," Heath replied.

"I didn't say that," Nick said.

"Well, who did?" Heath asked.

Nick pointed to the corner. "That chicken said it."

"Nick, everybody knows that chickens can't talk," Heath stated firmly and once again turned to go.

"What are you, ignorant?"

"Now, there's no cause to be insultin, Nick," Heath retorted.

"I didn't say that!" Nick was exasperated.

They both looked at the chicken. "I'm hungry. How about some grub, idiot?"

"Why, I'm going to wring your scrawny chicken neck!" Nick yelled. He stomped over to the corner.

"Nick, maybe we'd better leave it alone. Telegraph the University or somethin. It could be valuable," Heath said stroking his chin.

Just then there was a loud squawk. "Wait a minute," Nick said."There's something back here behind this chicken under a blanket." Nick brought the item up and out and removed the blanket. There, in a cage, sat a large, gray bird. "Why, it's only a parrot!" Nick exclaimed.

Heath heaved a sigh of relief. "Of course, Nick. Chickens can't talk but parrots sure can."

"African Gray, moron," the bird squawked and flapped its wings.

"Look, I say you are a parrot and if I say you are a parrot, then that's what you are!" Nick yelled pointing at the bird.

"Moron, moron," the bird squawked.

"Just let me get you out of that cage," Nick started to open the door of the cage. The bird bit his finger. "Owww!" Nick dropped the cage."Look Heath, the bird bit me! I'm bleeding!"

"Big man, big man," the bird was scolding.

"Why you," Nick reached for the cage.

"Boy howdy, Nick, fightin with a bird. Let's just get him up to the house and see if we can find somethin out about him." Heath went to take the cage from Nick. He turned away so Nick wouldn't see his attempt to squelch a laugh.

"Boy howdy, boy howdy," rasped the bird.

"He learns fast." Heath grinned and began to carry the cage to the house.

"Don't encourage him!" Nick yelled.

"Big man, big man" the bird cackled all the way back to the house.

Up at the house, Jarrod had come down for breakfast and was listening to Silas's tale of black magic from the hen house. He should have realized hiding the bird out there was a bad idea but it was so late last night. Nick came stomping in followed by Heath. Somebody was saying, "Big man, big man."

"Oh no," Jarrod thought, "this couldn't be going any worse."

"Mother!" Nick yelled. "Look at this. This parrot bit me!" He stuck his bleeding finger out at Victoria, his left fist on his hip.

"African gray, African gray," screeched the bird flapping its wings.

"Oh, look Silas! It's simply a parrot," Victoria smiled at Silas.

"African gray, you Jezebel!" shrieked the parrot.

A hushed silence fell over the room. All eyes were on Victoria. Her eyebrows arched up. Jarrod cringed and shrunk down in his chair.

Silas broke the silence, "That bird has some terrible manners Mrs. Barkley. I never heard such impolite talk. Someone should teach that bird a lesson." Silas shook his head as he left the room.

Audra ran over to the cage and cooed, "Pretty birdy. Polly want a cracker?"

"Dumb blonde. Stuff the cracker," the bird said nastily.

"Oh my, he's not a very nice bird, is he?" Audra returned to her seat.

"I want to know where this bird came from!" Nick hollered.

The room was silent. Everyone was looking around at each other. Jarrod was thinking that perhaps he could simply neglect to own up to bringing the bird home and no one would be the wiser when the bird opened its beak and said, "Jarrod Barkley, Attorney at Law. Offices in San Francisco and Stockton."

"Blast you, Barney!" Jarrod blurted out and brought his fist down on the table.

"Barney?" Victoria asked.

"Jarrod, Jarrod, I'm hungry," the bird was crying.

"Jarrod, hadn't you better feed your guest?" Victoria asked.

"Classy dame, classy dame," the bird happily chirped.

"Well, that's an improvement. Silas," Victoria called, "would you please bring a pear in here."

"Right away, Mrs. Barkley." Silas brought a pear into the dining room.

"Give it to Barney, please," she pointed to the bird.

Silas's eyes widened. "Oh no, ma'am. Look what that bird did to Mr. Nick's finger. Please no."

"Give it to me," Heath said. "I'll give it to Barney. Here Barney, here's a nice pear for your breakfast."

"Thanks sailor," Barney happily began to eat the pear.

"Sailor?" Heath asked.

"Braawwwk, what are you, deaf AND dumb?" The bird continued eating its pear.

"Now Jarrod, why don't you tell us about this par. . ." Victoria looked over at Barney, "African Gray."

"Classy dame, classy dame," Barney gave a whistle and went back to the pear.

"Well, Mother, it appears you have a fan." Jarrod said hoping to ease the tension in the room.

"The bird, Jarrod, the bird. Where did you get it and why in heaven's name did you bring it here?" Nick was glaring and pointing at the bird. The bird leapt for his finger. Nick hurriedly pulled his finger back.

"Well, I've been working on a probate case and my deceased client, a saloon owner on the wharf in San Francisco, left Barney to me. So Barney's been living in a saloon the past few years," Jarrod shook his head.

"That explains the bird's manners," Victoria said.

"Surely, you are not going to keep him, Jarrod?" Nick asked a look of disbelief on his face.

"I'd accept any suggestions, Brother Nick," Jarrod responded.

"Oh I have plenty of suggestions." Nick put his hand to his gun. "I'll just take him out back and . . ."

"Brrrawwwwkkk!" Barney let out a huge squawk. "Captain Bligh, Captain Bligh," he began cackling.

"Nick!" Audra yelled, "he's just a defenseless bird."

"Defenseless? You didn't see my finger!" Nick shoved his wounded finger under her nose.

"Boy howdy, Nick, you'd best get in to see Doc Merar. He might have to amputate," Heath said with a serious look on his face. Audra suppressed a laugh.

"Now, I'm sure Jarrod will find someone to take Barney in," Victoria said. "Let's just finish our breakfast and try to get along with Barney until someone is willing to take him."

Barney spit a piece of pear at Nick and Nick lunged for the cage. Jarrod was not as confident as his Mother was.

Part II

Several evenings later, the family was sitting by the fireplace in the living area enjoying the evening. Jarrod had not found a home for Barney as yet and Barney was blissfully sleeping in his cage. Jarrod was reading the paper and Nick and Heath were having a game of checkers. Victoria and Audra were working on a new dress for Audra."Audra, please hand me the blue thread," Victoria asked.

"Audra, come here and give us a kiss," a vaguely familiar male voice said.

Nick startled and looked about. "Who said that? That sounds like Bill Withers. Is he here? Didn't that sound like Bill Withers, Heath?"

"Boy howdy, it sure did," Heath answered. "What do you think Audra? Bill is your friend."

Audra was staring at Barney, her face beet red.

"Come on, Honey Lips, give us a kiss." Smacking and kissing noises followed.

"Why, it's Barney!" Jarrod exclaimed. "He can do Bill's voice! This is amazing. He sounds just like Bill!"

"Honey Lips?" Victoria asked and looked over at Audra.

Audra's face was working up to scarlet. The brothers burst out laughing.

"C'mon Honey Lips, c'mon," the bird pleaded. More smacking noises followed. The brothers were laughing harder. Victoria was attempting to hide a smile.

"That bird!" Audra shouted. "I hate that bird! Jarrod, when are you going to get rid of it! Nick! Take it out back! Do what you must!"

"What? Me shoot that poor defenseless bird?" Nick was laughing so hard he had to hold his stomach. "Now, Honey Lips, surely you don't . . ."

"Oh Fuzzy Bear," came a very familiar voice, Audra's voice to be precise.

Now, all the brothers were holding their stomachs and Victoria was hiding her face behind her sewing.

"Jarrod, I can't believe you, you of all people, could be so immature as to possess such a contemptuous, vulgar, vile bird!" Audra's face was now royal red and very contorted. Her fists were balled up as she jumped up and stomped her feet.

Jarrod was still laughing and could only get out, "Fuzzy Bear?" Now, Nick and Heath were rolling while grabbing their stomachs.

"I'll shoot it myself!" Audra screamed as she stormed up the stairs."I've never been so humiliated in all my life!"

"Honey Lips, Honey Lips, come to Fuzzy Bear," Barney cried. The statement was followed by a thunderous slam of Audra's bedroom door.

"Jarrod," Nick said gasping for air, "maybe that bird isn't so bad after all. He sure can perk up a dull evening."

"Poor Audra," Heath was still laughing, "we shouldn't be laughing like this." With that comment, Nick and Heath began laughing harder.

"All right," Victoria began, "you've all had your fun for this evening at Audra's expense. Jarrod, you really need to find a home for Barney and soon."

"I'm working on it, Mother," Jarrod responded wiping the tears from his eyes. He was regaining his composure, but Nick and Heath were still gasping for air.

"You know, Heath," began another familiar voice. This time it was Nick's voice. Nick bolted upright with an alarmed expression on his face.

"Hey Nick, he's doing you now," Heath exclaimed. "He's pretty good, don't you think?" Nick just stared slack-jawed at Barney.

"Jarrod rarely does any real work around here." Barney finished his statement. Jarrod looked at Nick. Nick looked back at Jarrod, smiled a little half smile and began to sweat.

"Apparently, " Nick began slowly, "that bird makes things up. "Maybe we shouldn't have been so quick to pick on Audra. I think we all ought to go to bed now."

"Just a minute, Nick. Barney can only repeat what he's heard," Jarrod said glancing sideways at Nick his eyes narrowing.

Nick sighed. "Lawyers," he thought. Now Heath was looking a little worried.

"I think he's more interested in spending his time pontificating, Nick,"came Heath's voice from Barney's beak.

Heath stood up, "Why, would you just look at the time? I'm with Nick. We should be gettin on up to bed."

Barney began to laugh. First he laughed like Heath and then he laughed like Nick. Nick's voice said, "He never did pull his weight around here when it came to physical labor."

Jarrod wasn't laughing. "So you boys don't think I pull my weight around here, eh? What do you think I'm doing down in Stockton and San Francisco?"

"Offices in San Francisco and Stockton," Barney squawked.

"You stay out of this!" Jarrod yelled at Barney. "What about all the times I've had to bail you two out of jail? All the fines I pay for you two. Who gets you out of trouble? Not to mention all the legal work Ido for this family and ranch.

"Gee Jarrod, don't go gettin a burr under your saddle," Heath said a bit sheepishly.

"Don't you mean don't go pontificating!" he yelled. "Why, I'm surprised you even know the word, Heath!"

"Now, now, don't go sayin somethin you're gonna regret," Heath cautioned. "I get around. I heard it from the prosecutor during one of your closing statements."

Jarrod looked like he might possibly explode. "I'll have you know it's that pontification that gets you two out of all the hair-brained, half-witted, imbecilic, asinine scrapes you get into! I studied for seven years to pontificate like that!"

Heath fiddled with the checkers on the checkerboard. Jarrod was really getting worked up. Heath couldn't remember the last time he'd seen him so mad.

"Ah, Jarrod," Nick sighed. "Don't be so sensitive. That bird is just that, a bird. Who are you going to believe, your brothers or that bird?"

"That bird!" Jarrod yelled.

"And that is a fact!" Barney said in a perfect Nick imitation.

"Indeed it is! I have a good mind to let this family find other legal counsel. Don't be looking for me to bail you out again. Next time, you can just pontificate yourselves out of the pokey." Jarrod stomped out of the room and up the stairs.

"Pontificate, pontificate," Barney slowly reiterated.

The house shook as there was a slam of Jarrod's bedroom door.

Barney whistled. "Boy howdy, boy howdy."

"You shut up!" Heath threw a book at the birdcage.

Victoria was looking at the boys. "Yes, Nick, he certainly can perk up a dull evening. I'm going up to bed before Barney has anything more to say. Hopefully for you two, Audra and Jarrod will be cooled down and in forgiving moods in the morning after a good night's rest."

"Night Vickie," chirped Barney.

Victoria swirled, "That's Mrs. Barkley to you Barney."

"Classy dame, classy dame," cooed Barney.

It was about 3:00 a.m. in the morning when Victoria was awakened by Nick's shouts of "Mother! Mother!" She wondered what on earth could be happening. She quickly grabbed her robe and ran toward the steps.

"Nick! Nick! What's the matter?" she cried as she flew down the stairs. She heard other members of the family running down the stairs behind her. Nick was still hollering, "Mother!" It was dark as she ran into the living room and she couldn't see. She ran right into a table and stubbed her big toe hard. "Owwww! No!" she screamed. "Oh my toe, I think I've broken my big toe." She heard Heath laughing. "Don't you laugh at me, Heath Barkley. This is not funny, I've broken my toe."Someone lit a lamp and the room was illuminated.

"Mother, you know I wouldn't laugh at somethin like that," Heath said in a hurt voice

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Audra grumbled.

"I heard you laughing, Heath Barkley. Ohhh, this hurts." Victoria rubbed her toe. "Nick, what was it you wanted? What is all this fuss about?"

Nick came into the room rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Oh, Mother, you must be mistaken. I don't want anything. I heard a commotion and came running."

"Nick, I definitely heard you yelling Mother. There is no mistaking your yell." Victoria was irritated and her toe was throbbing.

Just then Barney let out a yell, "Mother!" This was followed by a Heath laugh.

"Oh, that bird!" Victoria sighed. "Audra, would you please get me acold cloth for my toe until Dr. Merar can come out in the morning to look at it?"

"Yes, Mother, gladly," Audra left to get the towel.

Nick began to lecture, "Jarrod, that bird has got to go! Now, we've all been reasonably patient up to this point but this bird is causing physical injuries. First my finger, now Mother's big toe." He looked over at her toe. It was turning an ugly color of purple. He flinched."It's not very responsible of you to keep this bird around. I shudder to think what might happen next."

"So sue me and find out what mental labor is all about." Jarrod went back up to bed.

"Well, he is testy tonight. Mother, we'd best get you to the sofa."Nick lifted the tiny woman to the sofa while Heath went to get a blanket. Audra returned with the cold compress and wrapped it around Victoria's foot.

"Thank you and good night Audra," Victoria said.

Nick and Heath followed with, "Night Sis."

"Good night, Mother," Audra said snubbing Nick and Heath.

Part 3

No one got much sleep that night, especially Victoria whose toe throbbed while Barney mercilessly continued to yell, "Mother!" in Nick's voice. Doctor Merar came out, wrapped Victoria's big toe and gave her some pills for the pain. The atmosphere at breakfast that morning was icy. Jarrod and Audra weren't saying a word and Victoria was quiet from lack of sleep and the drowsiness from the pills. Barney was busily eating his morning pear.

Nick attempted to break the ice. "Well now, Heath, it's a beautiful day isn't it?"

"That it is Nick," Heath answered.

They both poked around at their food for awhile.

Nick looked at Jarrod and Audra. They were ignoring everyone. Mother was half-asleep. He continued to speak to Heath. "I think I'll go by and visit with Susan Danvers this afternoon."

"Nick isn't man enough for Susan Danvers," Heath's voice said.

Heath jumped. "Why does that bird have to eat in here with the rest of us?"

"As I recall, you were the one that wanted him to have his pear in herewith us, Heath," Victoria sleepily said.

"What did that bird just say? I'm not sure I quite caught that," Nick asked in a hostile manner.

Jarrod was now mentally present at the table and looking quite chipper."I believe he was questioning your manhood, Nick."

Heath got up, "I have a lot of fence mendin to get at today. I'd best be gettin out there."

"Hold on there Heath. You don't think I'm good enough for Susan Danvers?" Nick raised an eyebrow at Heath.

Jarrod corrected, "No, no, I believe he didn't think you were man enough, Nick." The emphasis was on the word man.

Barney had finished with his pear. He began crowing, "Nick isn't man enough, Nick isn't man enough".

Victoria put her hand to her head. This was going to be a long day after a very long night. She looked over at Audra who also had perked up considerably. She had a smirk on her face. Victoria couldn't remember a time when her family reminded her so much of the children they used to be. Someone would have to do something about that bird but now wasn't the time. Victoria knew when to retreat. "I'm going up to my room to rest. I didn't get much sleep last night." She limped out of the room.

Nick leapt up from the table. "I'll show you who's man enough around here Heath! Let's take it outside."

"Oh no, Nick. Not another fist fight. I'm tired and my head hurts. I got plenty of work I have to get done today. Why do you always want to settle these things with your fists?" Heath complained. He looked over at Jarrod and Audra. They were eagerly watching the spectacle. "They look like a couple of kids at the circus," he thought. "Would you two like some popcorn or peanuts?" he asked.

"I settle things with my fists because I'm not the pontificating type!"Nick yelled.

"Whoa, that's it Nicholas! If mealy-mouthed Heath over there isn't willing to have a go at you, I'm ready to show you who's man enough!"Jarrod threw his napkin down and stood up.

"Mealy-mouthed? Who are you callin mealy-mouthed?" Heath glared at Jarrod.

Audra's face lit up. She started throwing punches in the air and shouting, "Take it outside, take it outside!"

"Somebody ought to tan your britches, young lady," Jarrod snapped at her.

She jumped up. "I am so tired of you all treating me like I'm nine years old."

"Anyone with a Fuzzy Bear ought to be nine years old!" Nick yelled back.

Audra picked up a plate and threw it at Nick who managed to duck just in time. The plate shattered against Barney's cage. "Brawwwkkk! Man the sails! Foul seas ahead!" he began swinging frantically in his cage.

"Watch it Audra, you could really hurt somebody!" Nick shouted.

"Well, Nick what's the difference of gettin hurt by a dinner plate or having the tar beat out of you? I never see you worryin about hurtin noone," Heath retorted.

"Everybody outside, I'll take you on one at a time or I'll take you on all together. It really doesn't matter to me. I am man enough to handle it either way!" Nick opened the door.

"Oh big man, big man." Barney was shrieking now.

"Jarrod, I am killing that bird." Nick stalked over to the cage and opened the cage door.

"Awwwkkkk! Abandon ship, abandon ship!" Barney flew out of the cage avoiding Nick's grasp. He flew around the room a couple of times and landed on Heath's head.

"Hold it right there Heath! Don't move. I'll get him." Nick made a lunge for Heath.

Heath seeing the danger he was in, panicked. He wildly flailed his hand at Barney and said, "Shoo bird. Go on. Git!" Barney spooked and bit heath on the nose before he flew off. "Ouch!" Heath yelled, "That hurts!" He put his hand to his nose then looked at his hand. Barney had drawn blood. He looked up just in time to see Nick flying towards him, a savage scowl on his face. It all seemed to be in slow motion to heath. They landed with a loud crunch in a heap on the floor. "Oh, Nick, I think you could afford to take a few pounds off," mumbled Heath as he tried to get air.

"Muscle weighs more than fat! I told you not to move!" Nick was backup and running.

"Arrrrrrr, walk the plank matey, walk the plank!" Barney circled the room a few more times with Nick in hot pursuit.

"Outta my way, Jarrod!" Nick gave Jarrod a shove as he chased after Barney.

Jarrod fell backwards into the china cabinet breaking the glass doors. He slid down the cabinet to the floor and the potted fern atop the cabinet fell over dumping dirt and fern all over him. "Darn you, Nick, you bull in a china shop!"

"Bull in a china shop! Bull in a china shop!" Barney was screaming and fluttering around the room with Nick chasing after him. Barney landed on the soup tureen on the sideboard. Nick made a mighty leap. "Now, I've got you, you little drumstick!"

"African Gray," came the shrill yelp.

"Nick, look out!" Audra screamed as she threw herself clear. Barney screeched, "Hit the deck!" and the two brothers dove for cover.

Barney fluttered out of the way just as Nick came crashing down on the sideboard. The soup tureen shattered into a hundred pieces.

Nick was lying in the broken pieces of tureen. Audra cried, "That was Mother's favorite piece."

Nick picked bits of china out of his hair. "I will kill that bird," he calmly stated.

Barney flapped his way over to Nick and made a large deposit on Nick's shirt. "Goodbye and thanks for all the pears. Awwkk!" He flew out through the open door and disappeared. It suddenly became very quiet. No one said anything for a couple of minutes.

Audra finally said, "Poor Barney."

"I hope the little fella is going to be all right out there, wherever he is. It's a big mean world out there for a little bird." Heath looked at his feet.

"I can't believe Barney's gone," Jarrod said sadly. They all looked at Nick.

"Well, I . . .what are you all looking at me like that for? I didn't want to see any harm come to Barney. Yeah sure, make me the heavy. You all hated him too," Nick stammered and then looked at the deposit on his shirt. "Ugh."

"Nick, you said you were going to KILL Barney," Jarrod stated flatly.

"Oh you all know me. You know I wouldn't do anything like that." Nick looked pleadingly at his brothers and sister.

They stood and looked at him for a minute and then Heath abruptly said,"Well, I gotta mend those fences." He walked out of the room.

Audra headed for the hall. "I've got to wash my hair."

Jarrod looked at his watch. "I need to take care of some paperwork."