"Let's all go into the drawing room where we can discuss my announcement in comfort, shall we?" she said getting up from the table and leading the way.

The Barkley clan followed the tiny matriarch into the drawing room and arranged themselves on the furniture. Jarrod passed around glasses of sherry and then they gave Victoria their full attention.

"Mother, what's this all about?" Nick asked. You look so serious. I hope nothing is wrong.

"No, Nicholas, quite the contrary, in fact," she replied smiling at him. "Heath and I have an announcement to make."

Everyone looked at Heath and he grinned sheepishly back at them. He got up and sat by Victoria. He took her hand affectionately. The rest of the family looked a little confused and exchanged glances with each other.

"Well, out with it Mother," Jarrod said apprehensively. "The suspense is killing us. He took a sip of his sherry."

"Heath and I have decided to marry!" Victoria announced excitedly while looking lovingly into Heath's eyes.

Jarrod forcefully spit out the sip of sherry he had just taken. Nick began to choke and Audra dropped her sherry to the floor and put her hands to her face. Eugene screamed, EEWWWW!

"Uh, Mother, I don't believe we heard you correctly," Jarrod said mopping at his face with his handkerchief. "What was that you just said?"

"Oh, you heard me correctly, Jarrod. Heath and I are going to be married," she stated matter of factly.

"You can't be serious!" Jarrod exclaimed.

"That's sick!" Nick bellowed jumping up from the sofa. "What kind of a sick joke is this? Heath, youve gone too far this time!"

"It's no joke, Nick," Heath said seriously. "Victoria and I are in love."

"EEEWWWWWWW!" Eugene squealed putting his hands over his ears.

"Why you, I'm going to beat you silly right this . . ." Nick yelled lunging towards Heath.

"Nick! Calm down!" Jarrod yelled jumping up to grab Nick and hold him back.

"Jarrod, didn't you hear what he just said?" Nick said struggling with Jarrod.

"I heard it but I just can't believe it. Sit down Nick and let's discuss this rationally. There must be something else going on here." Jarrod directed Nick to the sofa.

"What's going on here, Jarrod, is that our BROTHER here is marrying our MOTHER here!" Nick thought about what he'd said for a moment and then lunged towards Heath again. Once again, Jarrod dragged him back to the sofa.

Audra burst into tears. "That means Heath will be our step-father!" she wailed.

Eugene let out another "EEEWWWWWWW!"

"Well now, Audra and Eugene, I'll still be your brother too. And Jarrod's and Nick's. Why, I won't be tellin' you all what to do until after the weddin'. And by the way, Jarrod, Ill be claimin' my rightful spot at the head of the table after the weddin'," Heath said.

Suddenly, Jarrod jumped up from the sofa and lunged towards Heath. Heath jumped up and ran behind the sofa and stood behind Victoria. "Now, now, Jarrod. Control that temper of yours. I wouldn't want to have to disinherit you. Hey, he laughed, I guess yall can call ME Pappy now!"

With that, Audras wailing increased and Nick joined in with Jarrod to chase Heath around the room.

"Jarrod and Nick, you two sit down right this instant!" Victoria roared. "And Audra, stop that incessant crying! Eugene, I don't want to hear another EEWWW out of you!"

Jarrod and Nick reluctantly returned to the sofa. Audra's crying reduced to a sniffle and Eugene made low choking noises.

"Boy howdy, Vic, we're goin to have to do somethin' about disciplinin' these boys after the weddin'. We can't have them flyin' off the handle like this, especially Nick," Heath said shaking his head.

Victoria quickly looked at Nick. He was beginning to get up again. "Nick! she yelled, stay put."

Audra began to cry again.

"And Audra is such a little cry baby. Somethin needs to be done. Maybe a nice finishin school for her?" Heath looked at Victoria.

"We can discuss all of these things after the wedding, Heath, she said. Right now, I just want them all to accept our marriage."

"Accept your marriage!" Nick roared. "Jarrod, is this even legal? I mean, seriously, is this legal?"

"Ummmm," Jarrod muttered, "Ummmm . . ."

"Now Jarrod, tell the truth!" Victoria demanded.

"Ummmmm, ummmmm," he just kept stammering. Jarrod was obviously having an inner conflict of interest.

"Of course, its legal, Nick. don't be ridiculous. Heath isnt MY son, you know." She looked at Jarrod. He was still ummmming and his face was turning red. "Nick, hit him on the back, will you?"

Nick gave Jarrod a slap on the back. "Yes, its legal," he exhaled suddenly. He looked at his siblings, "And Nick, Eugene and Audra, I am sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? You're always sorry, Jarrod, but a lot of good that does us," Nick said disgustedly.

"What are you mad at me for?" Jarrod asked angrily. "I'm not the one marrying our mother here."

Audra began to wail again. Eugene began to EEWW but was cut short by the glare Victoria gave him. He curled up on the sofa.

Nick hollered, "Now look what youve done, Heath! Gene's gone and curled into the fetal position again." He reached over and grabbed Eugene by the legs and yanked. Straighten up boy!

"Mother!" Jarrod exclaimed, "Just HOW did this happen?"

"Well," Victoria began.

Jarrod's three siblings looked at him with panicked expressions.

"No, no! don't answer that Mother!" Jarrod shouted. Jarrod thought he would try a different tactic. He turned towards Heath. "You know, Heath, Mother is old enough to be . . . well, your Mother. Have you thought of that?"

That began another chorus of sobbing and eewwwing and choking from the other siblings.

"Oh, grow up!" Victoria shouted at them.

"I know that, Jarrod," Heath said. "But Mother, er Vic, is a very attractive, youthful, viable, sexy woman for her age."

Jarrod shook as a quiver went down his spine and another round came from the chorus.

Nick yelled, "I should kill you right now, boy!"

"Nick, you have no choice but to accept this marriage," Victoria said.

"I'll NEVER accept it!" Nick yelled back.

"Me neither!" screamed Audra.

"Or me!" yelped Eugene.

Victoria looked at Jarrod. "Jarrod, youre my eldest and most rational child. What about you?"

"No way!" he shouted.

Audra started blubbering, "If any of us have kids, then Heath will be their uncle AND their grandfather. How will we explain that?"

"Stop it, Audra! Stop it!" Nick yelled. "I can't take any more!" Nick, Jarrod and Eugene were now huddled together holding hands.

She continued anyway. "And if . . . if you have any more sons, then theyll be my uncle AND my brother and if you have any more daughters, theyll be my Aunt AND my sister and . . . and Ill be their niece AND sister?" She was now sobbing so much she was losing her breath. "Oh, oh Mother! How could you?"

"Oh Audra, don't be ridiculous. I am well past the age of having any more children. We obviously need to have a talk later." Apparently, she had neglected to finish that little talk she and Audra had years ago.

Heath suddenly looked troubled. "Well, now, wait a minute, Vic. I didn't think of that. I do want to have children some day."

"Well, you wont be having them with her! She's old! She's really old!" Nick yelled.

"Actually, if the truth be told here, Heath," Jarrod volunteered, "she really is old enough to be your grandmother."

"Jarrod!" Victoria rasped.

"Sorry, Mother, but you did ask me to tell the truth," he said nonchalantly.

"Thats right," Nick added, "Jarrod always tells the truth."

"Well, now, I am sorry Vic er Mother, but I guess well have to call this off," Heath said sadly.

There was a large collective Whew! from the room. "Thank God!" Jarrod exclaimed.

"No hard feelings, Mother?" Heath asked.

"No. No hard feelings," Victoria replied. She turned to Jarrod and said, "Jarrod, I would like to see you in your office Monday morning. There are a few little things I'd like to go over concerning my will."

"EEEWWWWWWW!" Eugene squealed.