It was a beautiful summer morning on the Barkley Ranch. Nick was heading downstairs hungrily anticipating the full breakfast of ham, eggs and potatoes Silas would have waiting when he heard something coming from Mother's room. It sounded like a struggle. Was that a man's voice he heard coming from inside? He heard her scream and cry out. Nick wasted no time. He rushed to her room and broke down the door. Inside he saw a man accosting his mother. He ran over, grabbed the man and threw him across the room. How dare he attack his mother? Nick rushed to the man and picked him up and slammed him against the wall. The thought of this person putting his hands on his mother enraged him all the more. He began to punch the man.

"You filthy animal! How dare you attack my mother! I'll teach you never to lay a slimy hand on her you disgusting piece of . . ."

"Nick!" Victoria Barkley screamed. "Nick, stop it! Stop it!" She was trying to grab his arm. "Jarrod! Heath! Stop your brother!"

Jarrod came running in with a worried expression on his face and Heath was right behind him looking just as worried. They saw Nick pummeling a man like there would be no tomorrow for him. They grabbed Nick and pulled him away. The man slid to the floor badly bruised. Victoria knelt beside him. "John, are you all right? John say something!"

"John?" Nick asked with a very puzzled look on his face. "John?" He pointed at the man and looked over at Jarrod.

"That's right Nick. John." Jarrod was wearing a very stern look. "Mother and John eloped last night. Meet our new step-father."

"Wha. . . . step-father? Jarrod, what are you talking about? This man was assaulting Mother. I heard her scream and cry out. I saw him physically. . . . . .eloped?" Nick's voice trailed off.

"Yes Brother Nick, it seems our mother has married Mr. John Edwards here. They came home late last night after you were in bed. She met him while she was in San Francisco." Jarrod shook his head.

"Boy Howdy, Nick, you've really done it this time," Heath said under his breath.

"Mother?" Nick gulped.

Victoria glared back at Nick.

"Mama?" He gulped again, his voice a little higher. This wasn't looking too good.

Still she glared at him.

"Mommy?" Nick looked at Victoria. His face was screwed up into a question with a sheepish but hopeful smile.

"Yes Nicholas, John and I eloped and now you've made a lasting first impression on your new father by beating him almost unconscious. Nick, when will you ever learn?" Victoria's face was red with rage.

"I only did it for you," Nick feebly attempted to defend himself.

She shot a look back at him. He knew that look well. If looks could kill, he'd be six feet under three times over.

Victoria began to help John to his feet.

"Oh, well here. Let me do that." Nick heaved John high into the air and brought him down hard on his feet. "Well, John, welcome to the Barkley family. I'm Nick Barkley." He dusted John off, whacked him on the back and extended his hand.

"No kidding," John moaned and doubled over.

"Well, there'll be time for formalities later. We need to get you cleaned up. Silas!" Nick bellowed, hands on his hips. Everyone jumped and John held his hands to his ears and throbbing head. "Silas, bring some whiskey and some cold compresses up here. My new step-daddy's been hurt! Hurry it up!" Nick looked over at Victoria. "Well now Mother, congratulations!" He smiled his most angelic smile at her. She was not smiling. No, she was definitely not smiling. Nick's face turned red and he turned his head to avoid her glare. Heath was right. It looks like he'd really done it this time. There would be hell to pay later. He looked up at the ceiling, pointed to the door and said, "You know, I'll just go on down and see what's keeping Silas. Uh, hurry him along a little bit. See you at breakfast John, Mother? I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about." He flashed them what he considered to be his most charming smile. In return, he received looks that could curdle fresh milk.

He slinked down the stairs muttering to himself, "Natural mistake, could happen to anyone, only trying to help, why am I always misunderstood around here?"

Heath

Later that afternoon, Victoria and John brought John's elderly mother, Prudence, down to meet the family. Prudence had been exhausted from the trip when they arrived and had gone straight to bed without meeting anyone the night before. Audra was away visiting friends and wasn't due back for a few days yet. Heath was out working on a lame horse in the barn and would be in any minute. Prudence was a tiny, sweet-dispositioned lady of 85 who used a cane to get around. Jarrod and Nick were helping her into the living room for tea and she was telling them how she used to be a schoolteacher when the door opened and Heath walked in.

"Oh, Heath," Victoria called. "There's someone here I want you to meet."

Heath walked into the living room.

Victoria took Prudence's hand, turned her to face Heath and said, "Heath, I want you to meet John's mother, Mrs. Pru . . . ."

Before she could finish, Heath's smile turned to cold disdain. He stomped out of the room. Nick and Jarrod looked at each other obviously confused. Victoria looked at John and Prudence and said, "Oh, dear, I don't know what's gotten into Heath. He's usually so amiable."

Before another word was spoken, Heath came storming back into the room, chalk from the billiard table in his hand. He ran to Prudence and quicker than anyone could blink, he stuffed some of the chalk up her nose.

"Heath!" Victoria screamed utterly appalled at her son's behavior.

Jarrod and Nick yanked Heath away from Prudence and held him back.

Heath shouted, "That's Prudence Edwards! " His voice was rising. "I swore if I ever laid eyes on her again, I would cram chalk up her noise and down her throat!" He thrashed about but Jarrod and Nick held him tight.

"Oh, John, Prudence, I'm so sorry. John why don't you take your mother out to see the rose garden while we handle this?" Victoria suggested.

"Johnny, Johnny, please can't we get this chalk out of my nose first," Prudence whimpered pathetically. "Get it out. I can't breathe."

"That's the point," Heath shouted. "Let her suffocate!"

"Yes, Mother, yes, we'll get it out," John said scowling at Heath.

"Silas, please help Mr. John and Mrs. Edwards." Victoria watched Silas and John lead Prudence away.

"Now, what in tarnation was THAT all about?" yelled Nick.

"Yes Heath, how could you attack such a sweet elderly lady like that?" Jarrod asked incredulously.

Heath stood wringing his hands. "You don't know, you all just don't know."

"Well then tell us so we will know and this better be good," Victoria demanded. This obviously was not her day. Had her sons taken all leave of their senses?

Jarrod and Nick released their hold on Heath. Heath looked down at the floor and kicked at the carpet.

"Heath, I demand to know what this is about and as I've told you in the past, I only make a request once." Victoria was losing patience.

Heath looked up and had a faraway look in his eye. "It was a long time ago in Strawberry."

Jarrod and Nick looked at each other. Nick sighed, "Here we go again."

"Nick! Be quiet! Continue Heath." Victoria was staring at Heath tapping her foot, arms folded.

"I was a child of eight. She was the school marm at Strawberry's Happy Little Miner School. One day, the class bully, Leroy Larsen, threw spit wads at Mrs. Edwards. Leroy told her it was me and little Billy McCall. It was his word against ours and she believed him. I don't know why. Probably because he had a father and Billy and I didn't. Or maybe it was because Leroy had boots and we didn't. Or maybe it was because Leroy had a lunch pail and we didn't. Or maybe it was because Leroy had a pony. . ."

"Ah, Heath, not to be rude but I have an appointment in town. Could you speed this up?" Jarrod interrupted. "Yeah, sure." Heath heaved a sigh. "Whatever it was, Mrs. Edwards wouldn't listen to us. She made us stay after school every day and clean the chalk boards and erasers."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Nick interjected.

Heath's face flushed. "That's because you don't know what it's like! You didn't do the boards! You didn't eat chalk dust every day! You didn't have chalk dust down your throat, up your nose, in your ears, gummin up your eyes day in, day out, breathin and spittin chalk! You didn't have to listen to your poor Mama cryin while she tried to scrub the white chalk off your skin till it was pink and her fingers were red! You with your fancy paper and number two pencils in your fancy schools!" Heath's voice was rising again.

"Actually," Jarrod said, "we had fountain pens."

"And don't think those ink wells can't be nasty!" Nick added.

"Is that it, Heath?" Victoria asked.

"No, there's more," Heath said sadly. "Little Billy, he was only five at the time, not much more than a toddler. All that chalk, it finally caught up with him and he caught one real bad cold. He missed the rest of the year. Old Prickly Prudence flunked him, wouldn't let him pass the first grade. He had to repeat. I sat there, moppin Billy's face while he cried chalk tears because he wasn't goin on to second grade and all the other kids teased him. I promised him, made a vow right then and there, if I ever saw old Prickly Prudence again, I would cram chalk up her nose and down her throat."

"This is ridiculous!" Victoria said irately.

"Not to Little Billy it isn't!" Heath shouted back.

"Heath, Little Billy is now Big Bill and I feel certain is handling this just fine. Now, are you quite finished with your story?" Victoria put her hands to her hips.

"Yes, and I mean to chalk that ol' lady." Heath looked at Victoria defiantly.

"I cannot believe you have jeopardized my marriage over chalk and erasers. I am going to have Ciego take you up to the cabin for a few days while you think this over and cool off. Now, pack your things and go!" Victoria pointed to the door.

Victoria wasn't fooling around and Heath could tell. "Well, all right, but she'd better not be here when I get back."

"Ohhhhhh!" Victoria threw her head back and yelled, "Ciego!"

Nick jumped. "Gee, Mother could sure let out a yell," he thought.

Jarrod

Three days later, Nick and John were playing checkers in front of the fireplace. Victoria was sitting quietly with her needlework.

"King me," John said. "Well, Nicholas, it's looking like I've got you again in this game."

John had been winning every game. Nick couldn't figure it. He was usually a very good checker player. Nick looked up at John and winced when he caught sight of the bruises on John's face. He decided the guy deserved to win. "Yeah, well, you just keep playing, John. I may win one yet."

Jarrod came into the house carrying his leather folder. He walked over to Victoria and kissed her on the head.

"Have a hard day, dear?" Victoria asked Jarrod.

"Oh, pretty much the usual, Mother. You know, saving the Barkley Ranch from utter doom and destruction isn't easy work." He dropped the folder on the table and poured himself a sherry then lit a cigar. The early part of his day wasn't as hard as this evening would be he thought to himself.

"Well Nick, ho ho, it seems I've won again. I believe that's 85 cents you owe me now," John chuckled away.

Nick was chagrined. "Are you sure you're not cheating, John?" he asked good-naturedly.

Well, there it was. Jarrod had his opening and he took it. "Excuse me Family. I have something to discuss with all of you."

All eyes were upon him. He continued. "I'm sorry Mother but John is not what he seems to be."

"What?" Victoria asked in a soft voice.

"I decided to have John checked out when I saw him cheating while playing checkers with Nick the other night and what I found is not pleasant." Jarrod put his thumbs in his vest pockets.

"Ah Ha! I knew it!" Nick shouted and jumped up with a satisfied look on his face.

Brace yourself, Mother. John has a rap sheet longer than my arm." Jarrod waved his arm around. "He's a wanted man."

"Where's my gun?" yelled Nick.

"Easy Nick, " Jarrod said. "I can handle this."

"What's this all about, young man?" John looked forlornly at Jarrod.

"Those ears, those eyes!" Nick glowered.

"Please don't make it worse by playing us for fools, John." Jarrod picked up his leather folder.

"Too low, too far apart," Nick went on.

"Jarrod, please, what are you saying?" Victoria asked her eyes wide with apprehension.

"I have all the information on John right here." Jarrod patted his folder. He pulled papers out of the folder and put the folder back down on the table. He began to read the papers one after the other. "Littering in Lexington! Jaywalking in Jacksonville! Loitering in Louisville! Malicious Mischief in Memphis! Spitting in St. Louis! And Drunk and Disorderly conduct in Dallas!" Jarrod shook his head in disgust. "Need I go on?"

"Jarrod, these are silly things to be bringing up," Victoria chastised him.

"Oh, oh," Nick thought, "look out. Jarrod seems to be on shaky grounds here. Better lay low."

"I'm sorry, Mother, but John must be punished. I'm going to have to turn him over to the sheriff." Jarrod looked from John to his Mother.

"Jarrod, no! These aren't serious things! Can't you just forget about it? I'm asking you as your MOTHER!" Victoria pleaded. Maybe she'd gone overboard on the right versus wrong/good versus evil concepts with Jarrod. He was her first child after all. She shook her head. She just didn't have the experience with the first.

"I'm sorry Mother. My conscience won't allow that. How could I live with myself knowing I let this man go unpunished, knowing he's married to my mother?" Jarrod stood firm.

John spoke up, "Victoria, I swear to you, I didn't do these things he's accusing me of. I'm innocent. Here, young man, let me see those papers!"

Jarrod said, "Suit yourself, for all the good it will do you." He threw the papers at John and then turned and blew a big puff of cigar smoke into the air.

"Accckkkkk!" Prudence coughed and sputtered. "Oh Johnny, Johnny, did you see what the mean man did just now? Cigar smoke makes me sick. I can't breathe." She looked blue in the face.

"Oh, I'm sorry Prudence. I didn't see you come in, " apologized Jarrod.

John looked at the papers. "This is John N. Edwards from Boston. Not John M. Edwards from San Francisco. I'm John M. Edwards from San Francisco!" he emphasized the letter M. "That's M. Edwards" he emphasized the M again. "Not N. Edwards!"

Jarrod grabbed the paper from John and read it. He brought it closer to his face and read it again. "Well, how about that?" His voice lightened up. "It does say N." His face turned bright red. "Well, I guess I'll just have to overlook those remarks."

"I knew it! I knew it all along!" Nick hollered. "Jarrod, you were so wrong, SO wrong. How could you think John here could do any of those things? Poor John. Why he's the epitome of goodness. And that is a fact! Mother, I don't know how you put up with Jarrod."

Jarrod shot an irritated look at Nick. His face was still flushed. "You know, I think I'll just go on out to that cabin and check up on Heath." He eased his way out of the room.

Victoria looked that look at Nick again.

"Well now, you know, I think I'll just go along with him. Mother, John." Nick literally ran out of the room after Jarrod and passed him on the stairs two steps at a time.

Audra

Audra was riding across the ranch coming home from visiting at Emily Miller's ranch. The visit had been okay but she was anxious to get home. She just wished Emily would quit borrowing her clothes. Emily was twice her size but frustratingly enough, Audra's clothes always seem to fit her. Maybe she should start a new diet.

As she was passing through the peach orchard, she noticed a man in a buggy with an elderly woman. "Now, what are THEY doing on Barkley property?" she thought. She watched as the buggy stopped and the man got out and picked a peach for the old lady. That really riled her. Not only were they trespassing on Barkley land but they were stealing Barkley peaches too. Where were the boys when you really needed them? She decided to ride over and handle this herself. Luckily, she had her whip with her.

She rode up to the buggy and yelled at the man, "You're trespassing on Barkley land! Get off!"

"Wait a minute, Missy," the man began.

She didn't wait for him to finish. She was getting tired of these trespassers treating her like a child. "My name is Audra Barkley and you're on Barkley land. Now get off." She began to lash furiously at the man with her whip.

"Now, please listen little lady," the man pleaded.

"It just makes me so angry when you trespassers think you can do anything you want on Barkley property." She continued whipping at the man. Finally, the man was able to grab the whip from her. Now she was really mad and was that old lady over there with the peach laughing at her? She'd show her. She got down off her horse as the old lady put the peach to her mouth.

"Give me that peach!" screamed Audra and reached for the peach.

The old lady was startled by her scream and squealed, which caused Audra to stumble. Instead of grabbing the peach, the butt of her palm shoved the peach up the old woman's nose. It was a very ripe and juicy peach.

The old woman began to whimper. "Johnny, Johnny, did you see that? Did you see what that nasty girl did? I have peach up my nose. I can't breathe. Johnny, help me."

The man dropped the whip and rushed to his mother. He gave her his handkerchief and told her to blow, blow hard.

Audra saw her chance and picked up the whip.

"Look what you've done to my poor mother," he shouted.

"Well, I'm sorry about your mother but she shouldn't have been eating that peach. That's stealing and you are STILL on Barkley land." Audra resumed the whipping.

Just as she thought she had convinced them to leave, she heard horses hooves. She looked behind her. "Oh good, it's Mother," she thought. "She'll be so proud."

"Audra! Audra! Stop! What are you doing?" Victoria shouted and jumped off her horse snatching the whip away from Audra.

"Mother, I'm just running off these trespassers."

"Oh, no, no, nooo! Audra this is my new husband, John Edwards and his mother, Prudence. I sent them out here for a ride so they could relax and have a moment's peace."

Audra looked at John and then at Victoria. Victoria was looking at Prudence who had chunks of peach all over her face. "Husband?" Audra asked. "Mother, how could you? You never asked us! You never said a word!"

"How much worse could it get?" Victoria thought to herself. "Audra, I want you to go over and apologize to John and his mother and we'll take this up later."

"Very well, Mother. As you wish." Audra walked over to John and extended her hand. "Mr. Edwards, I wish to extend my sincerest apology to you and your mother. If only you hadn't been trespassing . . ."

"Audra," Victoria warned.

"Welcome to the Barkley Family," Audra said haughtily as she mounted her horse and prepared to leave.

"Oh Missy," a sweet elderly female voice sang out.

Audra turned to look at Prudence and took a mashed peach full in the face.

"Well, I never!" Audra huffed and galloped off.

Victoria had to squelch a laugh. That Prudence had quite an arm for an 85-year-old woman.

Eugene

After getting the peach cleaned off of Prudence, Victoria sent John and Prudence back to the ranch. She would follow soon. She needed to count to ten and calm herself before heading back. John pulled the buggy up in front of the house. He helped his mother out of the buggy. As they were walking up to the front door, they heard a noise. They looked around but couldn't see anything. They proceeded towards the door but there was that noise again.

"Pssssst, psssst, over here."

Where was that coming from? They looked around and then saw that the bushes off to the side of the house were moving.

"Psssst, pssst, come here please."

John realized there was a young lad hiding in the bushes. "Why what is it young fellow?"

"Shhhhhhhh! You mustn't let her HEAR or SEE me!"

"Who would that be youngster?" John asked in a concerned tone.

"Victoria Barkley, my MOTHER," he replied.

"Your mother!" John was flabbergasted. "Well, which one are you?"

"Eugene."

"She's never spoken of a Eugene Barkley." John looked puzzled as he scratched his head

"Oh, I'm not surprised of that," came the reply. "I'm her youngest child. She sent me off to college and somewhere along the way she forgot me. Now I'm in a real pickle. Every time I try to come around, she runs me off."

"This is terrible, just terrible!" John was horrified.

"Well, if you act like any of her other youngsters, it's no wonder," Prudence clucked.

"Mother," John admonished. "Well, what can we do for you young fellow?"

"I've run out of money. I can't get any out of the bank. They won't let you take any money out of the bank without Jarrod with you and he doesn't remember me either. I can't finish college and I don't have anywhere to stay and I have nothing to eat. I'm in terrible trouble. Since you're Mother's new husband, I'm thinking you could get Jarrod to take you to the bank and get me the money for another year at school."

Just then a voice boomed out, "What? YOU again?!"

"Yikes!" Eugene squealed and tried to duck but it was too late. He took the full Victoria Barkley slap right across the face.

John and Prudence were stunned speechless.

"You little moocher, you freeloader. I told you to get out of here and never come back. Now go on, get out of here before I shoot you where the sun doesn't shine!" With that Victoria fired a shot from her shotgun into the air.

Eugene, a red welt in the shape of a hand still on his face, scrambled out of the bushes and ran like the wind away from the Barkley Ranch.

"But Victoria, do you know who that was?" gasped John.

"Some little bum that calls himself Eunuch or Eunice or something." She waved her hand in a dismissal move. "Don't worry, John. I can handle him. Now," she smiled sweetly, "why don't we take Prudence in for some lovely cakes and tea? Come along, Prudence." Victoria led the way into the house.

"Whatever you say, dearie," Prudence responded. "I'll do whatever you say."

The Conclusion

Victoria came down the stairs to see John, Prudence and all their bags packed. "John, what is this? What is going on?"

"I'm sorry Victoria but I'm afraid our marriage has been a grave mistake. Mother and I simply cannot stay here. We're just never going to fit in with your family. I'm filing for divorce." John was shaking his head sadly.

"Did I hear someone mention, DIVORCE?" Jarrod called from the living room. "John, I'd like to offer you my services as a lawyer."

"Oh nooo, noooo, nooooo. Noooo thank you." John was quick on the reply.

"As long as you don't want anything, I can have you two split in a jiffy. Of course, if you want something, you'll have to get your own lawyer as I will be representing Mother," Jarrod went on.

"No. I don't want a thing. I don't need your services. No thank you," John repeated.

"Well, suit yourself." Jarrod went back to reading the paper.

"Want some chalk for the road ol' lady?" Heath yelled out.

"Or how about some of our lovely ripe peaches?" Audra cried.

"Perhaps John would like some cigars for the trip?" Jarrod added.

"And why don't you take this checker board with you so you can cheat the unsuspecting passengers on the train?" Nick shouted and threw the board into the foyer. It hit Prudence squarely on the nose.

"Oh, Johnny, Johnny," she wailed. "Let's get out of here now!"

"But John, no. Oh no, no, no, no, no," Victoria was crying.

"Mother, mother" someone was calling to her.

"No, no, oh no, no, no."

"Mother, mother wake up. You're having a bad dream," Audra gently shook Victoria awake. "That must have been SOME dream."

"Dream? Where's John?" Victoria looked around her room disoriented.

"Who's John?" Audra asked.

"Your step-father."

"Step-father? Oh, Mother, that MUST have been some dream," Audra giggled.