Title:

Format: Poem

How Eugene Almost Stole Christmas

All the Nickites and Heathens liked Barkleys a lot

except for Eugene. Oh no. Him they did not.

Jarrodians hated Eugene, any season.

Oh, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be perhaps that his pants were not tight,

his clothes were too plain; his hair color not right,

or maybe perhaps they did not like his cooking,

or perhaps cause his brothers were much better looking.

But I think that the most likely reason Ive found

is the fact that Eugene was just seldom around.

Out of sight, out of mind I have heard someone say

and as for Eugene, I guess that was the way.

But what ever the reason, his pants or his brothers,

Eugene was ignored by the Heathens and others.

Why, even at Christmas the tale was the same.

Hed stand neath the mistletoe but no one came.

Hed stand there for hours, his lips all a-pucker

but nary a kiss did he get from a sucker.

And even his family ignored him, they say

and never would notice when he went away.

Staring out of his window, all sulky and grim

Eugene swore that he would get even with them.

Hed get his revenge, but the question was how?

He thought of the problem while branding a cow.

The ranch was all buzzing with holiday cheer.

"Tomorrow is Christmas. Its practically here!"

Why should they be happy when he was so sad?

The more he thought on it, the more he got mad.

Hed have to stop Christmas from coming, he thought.

But could Eugene do it without getting shot?

Hed take all their presents and trimming and fluff;

Christmas trees, pine boughs, and holly and stuff.

Then Eugene Barkley thought, by the Eternal, no!

Hed take away all of the ranch mistletoe!

The mistletoe? Hmm -- that might get him in Dutch

with Nickites, Jarrodians, Heathens and such.

"Theyd just have to lump it," he said with a pout.

"No one kisses ME, so the mistletoes out!"

He made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat

from Audras red gown and the fur from a goat.

With that hat and coat, he would come and hed go

and if he were seen, no one ever would know

that it was just him in disguise all the while.

He stamped on some mistletoe as he did smile.

"Pooh pooh to the Heathens, the Nickites and others!

They can pucker their lips, but they wont kiss my brothers!"

Hed slide down the chimney while others slept

and rip down the mistletoe where it was kept.

Hed toss the whole lot down a mine shaft he knew

and then all his brothers fans would cry. "Boo Hoo!"

And what happened then? Well in Stockton they say

that Eugene Barkley got what was coming that day.

When he climbed on the roof, oh so sly and so nimbly,

he tried to slide down, but got stuck in the chimbly!

Rear end downmost, and his head up much higher;

and to his dismay Silas then lit the fire!

"That chimney dont draw," Jarrod said. What to do?

Cause they didnt know Eugene was in the flue.

As the flames rose up and the heat increased,

something was roasting, but it wasnt roast beast!

Genes end was baking; his face turning pale;

when ever he howled, Nick said, "Hear that wind wail."

The Nickites and Heathens arrived Christmas Morn;

Jarrodians, too. But Eugene, he was gone.

And nobody missed him. You folks can guess why.

They were all busy kissing their favorite guy.

Time went on by and the holiday passed.

Even good times have an ending at last.

From that day on, and for quite a spell

the Barkley front parlor had such a bad smell!

Although they all searched and Audra, she sighed,

"Something sure mustve crawled in here and died."

"Could be a bird," Nick said, "or maybe two,

nesting up there in the fireplace flue.

Or maybe dead mice down beneath the floor."

Finally they did not look anymore.

And what of Eugene? Well, in Stockton they say

he burned all to ashes and just blew away.

Welcome, Heathens, bring your cheer.

Welcome Nickites, far and near.

Jarrodians, your hands well clasp.

Mistletoe is in our grasp.

Mistletoe well stand beneath

with Nick and Jarrod and with Heath.

With our favorite guy well stand,

lip to lip, and hand in hand.