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Heath/Victoria
By Suzanne
or
Truth is not always stranger than fiction
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Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. No infringement is intended in any part by the author, however, the ideas expressed within this story are copyrighted to the author.

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A parody in one act.
"Good morning, beautiful lady. May I say that you are looking particularly lovely this morning?" Jarrod greeted his mother as he entered the diningroom.

Victoria reclined in her chair at the head of the table, a dreamy smile on her face. She half lifted a hand for him to kiss, "Good morning, Jarrod. I am feeling particularly lovely this morning. It is a beautiful morning, isn't it?"

"MOTHER!! GOOD MORNING MOTHER!!" Nick stomped over and kissed his mother on the cheek.

"Good morning, Nicholas, dear. My, but you are full of energy this morning."

"Well, you seem sort of . . . lethargic yourself. Do you feel all right?" He plopped down in his chair.

"Quite all right, dear. Better than I have felt in years," she replied languidly.

Audra and Eugene entered together.

Eugene greeted his mother, then sat quickly before anyone could tell Silas to clear the extra place.

"Good morning, Mother," lisped Audra. She gave her mother a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before she perched on her chair. "Why, where is Heath? Isn't he down yet? Is he all right? Aren't we supposed to enter the dining room in birth order? "

"He'll be here soon, dear. Don't worry about Heath," her mother replied languorously. "He is more than all right, he's just fine . . . mighty fine."

Heath strolled into the dining room, buttoning his right cuff. He nodded in reply to the chorus of "Good Morning." He walked over to Victoria, staring deeply into her eyes the whole time, gently squeezed her shoulder, then just brushed her hair with his lips. She smiled up contentedly at him and patted him on the arm.

"Sit down, dear," she whispered huskily.

Heath sat and began filling his plate with food.

"HEY," shouted Nick, "Leave some for me!"

They all filled their plates and began to eat. Victoria interrupted them.

"Now, children. I have an announcement. Heath will be moving into my room today. He will be sleeping with me from now on, and it will be easier for both of us if he keeps his things in my room."

Heath just nodded and continued to eat.

"WHAT?? BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!!" shouted Nick.

"It's not fair," sobbed Audra. The other two boys agreed that it wasn't fair.

"YOU WOULDN'T LET ME SLEEP WITH YOU AFTER I WAS SIX. YOU TOLD ME I WAS TOO OLD."

"Yes, mother. None of us was allowed to sleep in your bed after we were six years old. Except Audra. And she only got to sleep with you until she was eight," Jarrod said. "So the precedent is clear. Heath is more than six years old. He should not be allowed to sleep with you."

"Well, she let me sleep in her bed until I was eight, too," said Eugene. "She said it was just like having the whole bed to herself."

Audra continued to sob, "It's not fair." The tears flowed out of her beautiful, blank blue eyes and rolled down her smooth unlined cheeks. She was very careful never to show any expression of any kind. According to "Goodey's Lady's Book," smiling and frowning and other facial expressions led to wrinkles.

Heath looked up and started to speak. Victoria stopped him. "No, Heath. You keep eating. You must keep up your strength." He nodded and continued eating. He poured extra syrup over his pancakes.

Victoria looked at Audra, sighed, and patted her hand. "If you will recall, Jarrod, Heath was not living here as a child."

Jarrod was forced to agree. Nick was busy moving all of the serving dishes away from Heath's side of the table and clustering them in front of his place. He grabbed the syrup pitcher.

"Therefore, he did not get his chance to sleep in my room. Is that not correct?"

Once again, Jarrod was forced to admit that she was right. Nick was making a fence around the food with his arms, while Audra continued to sob, her lower lip quivering. Eugene decided to run away and join the circus.

"Now, we have all agreed that Heath is to be treated exactly the same as every other member of the family." She looked around the table. Everyone nodded in resignation.

"Well, then, it is now Heath's turn to sleep in my room, to make up for his not having slept there as a child."

"You have made your case, Mother. I can find nothing to which to object."

"WHAT? OH, YEAH. RIGHT." Nick glowered at Heath, who continued to eat.

"Yes, mother. Whatever you say," Eugene wondered if he could get a job in the circus as a lion tamer. He needed the rest.

"Yes, mother," said Audra, through her tears. "But it's still not fair," she whispered.

They all settled down to eat their breakfast in silence. As soon as they were finished, all except Heath rose to go.

"Oh, yes. Nick, Heath will not be working with you on the ranch today."

"WHAT? WHY NOT? FIRST HE GETS TO SLEEP IN MOTHER'S BED, NOW HE GETS OUT OF DOING HIS CHORES . . . "

"Now, dear, he has to move his things into my room today."

"OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT." Nick stopped and stared at his mother. He pointed a finger at her, and said, "YOU JUST LIKE HEATH BEST!! YOU'VE ALWAYS LIKED HEATH BEST."

He turned and stomped out of the house. The other three followed more quietly. Eugene was asking Jarrod about accidental death and dismemberment insurance. Audra was sniffing daintily.

Victoria sighed, then smiled at Heath. "He is right, you know. I do like you best. You have always reminded me so much of my dear Thomas when he was your age. You have his face, his voice, his eyes, his hands, his . . . stamina."

Heath grinned at her.

"Keep eating, dear. I wonder if I made a mistake leaving it up to Tom to tell those boys the facts of life. What with him being dead and all. Maybe you could have a word with them later, dear." She looked at Heath, a sparkle in her eye, "Much later. Now, let's go see to my room, shall we?"

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