A very long month had passed since JC's death before Justin finally got in to see Dr. Sibly. The man had graying hair with a black mustache and Justin immediately wanted to turn around and go straight home. He looked like someone who wanted to pick his brain apart, and that scared him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Dr. Sibly's mustache twitched as he motioned at the chair in front of his desk. "Please, Justin, have a seat."
Hesitantly, he walked forward and sat down, his hands gripping the arm rests tightly. What if he messed up? Thank God JC was right behind him.
"Relax," the doctor told him.
"He's right," JC agreed. "If you're all tense then he's going to know that something's wrong."
Justin took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say," he admitted. "Or where to start, or even how these things are conducted."
"Why don't you tell me about yourself," Dr. Sibly suggested.
"Okay..."
JC jumped in. "Tell him what you do for a living."
"I'm a stock broker," he said. "I sit in an office and help people put their money in the right places."
"Are you happy with your job?"
"Yeah, I mean, I guess... it's okay."
"Is there something else you'd rather be doing?"
"No, not really. My job is fine."
"Is that why you told me about that first? Because that's the one part of your that you're the most happy with?"
Justin shrugged. "I don't know. There's not much to be happy about these days."
Dr. Sibly wrote down something in his notebook and then stared back at Justin. "What do you mean by that?"
"Just what I said. There's not much to be happy about." He stared at the man's pen as it moved while he wrote something else down.
"What aren't you happy about?"
"Go ahead, Justin," JC said quietly. "Tell him."
Tears came to Justin's eyes as he fought to get the words out. He had no idea how much talking to someone else besides Becca about the accident would affect him. "My... my best friend died last month," he finally got out. Carefully, he studied the doctor's face. Had he already known?
"I'm sorry. You're obviously upset about that. Tell me what you feel when you think about your friend."
"Loss," Justin answered immediately. "How it's not fair to him, to Becca, to me... and certainly not to the baby."
"Becca? A baby?"
"Becca's JC's wife, and she was pregnant with his unborn baby when he died. Can you imagine growing up, knowing that your father was killed before you were even born? I sure as hell can't."
"Many children grow up without a father."
"But what about Becca? She doesn't deserve her husband?"
"Many mothers are single."
"But Becca doesn't deserve that. She deserves so much more. Sometimes..." he stopped and looked down at his knees, noticing how the khaki colored material seemed lighter than when they were new. "Sometimes I think that if I would have called him that morning... and maybe invited him to go out to lunch instead of going shopping with Becca, then he'd be here right now and everything would be okay."
"You can't live your life based on what-ifs. What-ifs won't change anything."
Justin sighed. "I know, but... I could have done something and I didn't."
"It's not your fault. You didn't know."
"Doctor, how can I move on from this? How can I remember JC for who he was and learn from it... and..." he looked up and met the doctor's gaze. "And be happy..."
"Tell me, Justin. What are the things that you do in life that you'd like to change?"
"I HATE lying to Becca," he spat out. "I want to stop lying to her, but there's no way I can do that... not yet anyway."
"I'm not following you. What is it that you're lying to her about and why can't you stop?"
Justin's eyes fell back to his lap. "You see, I can't tell you that."
"Justin, let me remind you that this meeting is completely confidential."
"No, it's not."
"What are you implying? Do you think I'm going to tell Becca?"
"I know you won't tell Becca."
"Then who do you think I'd tell?"
"No one."
Dr. Sibly looked confused. "You're not making any sense."
To Justin, it made complete sense. Even though the session was supposed to be confidential, he knew that someone was ALWAYS listening and that the second he told someone, JC's chance would be long gone. "It doesn't have to make sense," he finally replied.
"I got the impression that you wanted to cooperate here."
"I do, Dr. Sibly, but there're a few things that I'm not willing to share."
"Justin, I think it's time to let you know that Becca called me earlier today."
His head snapped up.
"She was worried that you wouldn't tell me what was really wrong and she wanted to make sure that I was helping you."
Justin gulped.
"She told me that she has heard you talking to JC on numerous occasions and she's worried that it's not healthy."
Justin's face turned red and he wished that JC would say something to help him out, but the dead stayed silent this time. "What do you want me to say?" he asked in a shaky voice.
"Why don't you tell me why you talk to him?"
Now he had to lie... just like he'd lied to Becca about it before. "I don't know," he started out. "I guess I just needed someone to listen to me."
"Justin, is that really the reason?"
All of the color drained from his face. "I... I miss him. It made me feel like he was still there," he tried to cover for himself. "But I knew that he wasn't."
Dr. Sibly just nodded as he wrote more in his notebook. "You're speaking in past tense. What does that mean?"
If this man asked him one more time to interpret what something meant, he was going to lose it! "It MEANS that I don't TALK to him anymore."
"You don't?"
"No! Didn't I just say that?"
"Calm down, Justin, I'm only trying to help."
"Then stop asking me stupid questions!"
The doctor held up a hand. "Okay," he relented. "We'll take this slower. Justin, tell me what you and JC would talk about."
"I talked," Justin clarified. "Have you ever said a prayer, Dr. Sibly?"
"Yes. Are you saying that you were PRAYING to JC?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying. But, do you know how you pray? Sometimes you talk to God as if He's listening, and who knows, maybe you believe that He can hear you, even though you know that He won't talk back... not directly anyway... It just feels good to know that someone's listening. Dr. Sibly, JC was my best friend and I needed to talk to someone about what I'm going through. That's all."
Dr. Sibly smiled at him as if he bought the story. Justin had to admit, it almost sounded like the truth. Damn, he was good.
"So, how'd it go?" Becca asked Justin when he stepped through the door.
"Okay, I guess," he shrugged.
"Do you feel better now?"
He shrugged again as he threw down his keys on the table and stepped toward the kitchen. He had his head almost inside the refrigerator when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned his head around to see Becca standing there.
"Do you think he was helping you?" she asked. "Or at least STARTING to help?"
Once again, he shrugged and then turned back to the refrigerator. He absentmindedly grabbed a bowl with leftover rice from last night's dinner and walked to the microwave. Becca watched as he put the rice inside and pressed a few buttons. Just as the hum of the microwave started, she spoke, "Do you want to talk about anything?"
"What?" he asked, his back still turned away from her.
"I said, do you want to talk about anything?"
Justin turned to her and shook his head. "Not really, do you?"
She gave him a small nod. "Kinda."
The microwave beeped and Justin took the rice out. "Want some?"
"Sure."
"Grab a fork."
She did so and they sat down across from each other at the kitchen table. Justin stuck his fork in the pile of rice. "What is it?"
"Did you like Dr. Sibly?"
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Did I LIKE him?"
"Justin," she sighed. "I just want to know how it went. How am I supposed to find out if you won't tell me?"
"Okay," he gave in. "I'll tell you. He just asked me a few questions about what had happened and how I felt about it."
"And what did he think?"
"That I was crazy... but then I explained everything and I think he understood where I was coming from."
Becca smiled at him. "Well, it sounds like things went well. Are you going to go back?"
He scooped some rice into his mouth and chewed, staring at her. "You know," he mumbled. "I really don't think I need to go back. Everything's better."
"I just don't see how things can get better after one session. What did he tell you about talking with JC?" She thought she saw his face turn a shade of red, but didn't have much of a chance to look because before she knew it, he'd set his fork down with a thud and disappeared from the table.
"Ugh..." she groaned, lifting a forkful of rice to her mouth. If Justin couldn't even talk about what he and Dr. Sibly had discussed, then obviously what had been wrong before was still wrong now.
Justin stormed up to his room and locked the door behind himself. He knew he shouldn't be so upset about a simple question, but for some reason, he couldn't help himself. Just the idea that everyone thought he was crazy made him want to barricade the door and never, ever come out again.
And where was JC when he needed him?
Nowhere to be found...
He felt a few tears stinging in his eyes and he leaned back against the door, sinking slowly to the beige carpet. What had his life become? Since when had he been reduced to a crumbling mess on his bedroom floor? As he thought about it, hot tears formed rivers down his pink cheeks.
So what had Dr. Sibly said when they talked about JC?
It hadn't been what Dr. Sibly said that upset him... it was that look in his eyes, the one that he'd seen the slightest twinge of in Becca's eyes so many times before. They thought he was crazy. Crazy... him. But he wasn't crazy... it was just that they didn't know what it was like! They didn't know what he was going through and they had NO right to judge. NONE whatsoever.
Why hadn't Becca even attempted to come after him? Maybe she didn't want to bother with that crazy guy who wouldn't leave her alone...
He heard someone's hand on the doorknob, then a soft tap. "Justin?" her soft voice sounded muffled through the wood. "Why is the door locked?" He couldn't say anything back because then she'd know that he'd been crying.
For Justin, it was a hopeless situation. He was trapped inside two worlds that he didn't want to be in and he couldn't figure out a way to get out of either of them.
Wait, that was a lie. He KNEW how to get out of one, but also knew that he could never escape the other. More tears slid down his face as he cursed himself for thinking about suicide again.
God, he must really be sick...
"Justin are you okay in there? You could at least say something."
What could he say? Oh yes, Becca, I'm perfectly fine. Just because I can't stop thinking about killing myself doesn't mean that I'm not okay.
"I'm serious. Please open the door."
He reached up and unlocked the door. What was the point of letting her worry?
He scooted over and the door opened. It was too late to change his mind. She was already inside and on the floor with him. "My God, Justin," she said after taking one look at his tearstained cheeks and throwing her arms around him. "Why are you so upset? Was it something I said?"
He shook his head slowly with a sniff. He had to admit that with her arms around him and his forehead pressed against her cool cheek, he felt a little better, and his dark world escaped him for the time being. "I love you," he heard himself whisper.
Had he really said that out loud? What was he hoping to accomplish? With three small words, his heart fell to the pit of his stomach. Where had he ever gotten the idea that he could say that to JC's wife?
He was surprised as hell when he felt her delicate lips fall on his forehead and her fingers on his cheeks as she wiped the tears away.
"You don't have to be here," he whispered. "You don't have to see me like this."
Becca pulled him to herself and rocked him in her arms. "Shh... it'll be okay. What I want you to do right now is to stop trying to be so strong."
He slipped his arms around her waist, holding her close. "I didn't want you to know," he tried to say, but wasn't sure if it got out.
She didn't ask him what it was that he didn't want her to know, but she felt as long as he was being open, then things were on the right track. She held his shaking body securely and thought about JC... and how he had never needed her this way. JC had been so strong, so stable... but Justin... well, he wasn't. Not anymore, anyway.
As Justin lay awake that night, he thought about what had happened that day. He pulled the blankets up to his chin and looked over at Becca, who had fallen asleep beside him. Why did she care so much? Didn't she know that all he was capable of doing was bringing her down with him to his cold depths? Oh, God, it would be so much easier if she woke up and he was gone.
"Justin, what are you thinking? I'm not sure I like that look on your face."
Justin blinked and turned his head to see JC standing next to the bed. He sat up. "JC, this isn't what it looks like. We-"
"Shh," JC hushed. "I know. You don't have to explain. I saw, Justin. I've been here the whole time. You just didn't notice me."
"You weren't here when I needed you," Justin said as he fell back into his pillows. "I was breaking down, JC... I was almost...."
"You were almost what?"
"And if Becca hadn't come after me..." He felt more tears roll down the side of his face. "I'm so sorry, JC. I'm such a failure!"
"What would have happened if Becca hadn't come? Justin, Tell me! What's wrong?"
"I wanted to..." but he couldn't finish. Instead, he rolled over and stared at Becca's sleeping face. "I felt like... like there was no way out."
"Justin..." but this time the voice didn't belong to JC and he realized that Becca's eyes were open. The next question was... how much had she heard? "Are you talking to me? You did realize that I was sleeping, right?"
"To myself... I was talking to myself. I just wasn't expecting you to be awake."
"I've got a question for you."
He was almost afraid to ask. "What?"
"Do you want me to leave?"
For a second, he couldn't decide what she meant. Leave the bed or leave his house? But then he decided that he didn't want her to leave either, so it didn't even matter. "No," he assured her. "I want you right here."
"I just don't want you to feel like you've got any responsibility here if you don't want any. I don't want you to feel trapped."
She must have heard what he'd said to JC earlier about not being able to get out. "Oh, Becca, that's not what I meant at all. You're not trapping me. If anything, you're the one who's making me realize that-" he stopped. There was no way he could come out and just SAY it.
"What are you talking about?!" JC demanded, but Justin ignored him and continued to stare at Becca.
"Realize what?" Becca wondered.
Justin moved closer to her. "Becca," he whispered. "If I tell you something, will you promise not to freak out about it? Will you promise not to tell anyone?"
JC stood at the end of the bed, leaning toward them with wide eyes. "Justin... what are you going to tell her?!"
"Justin, what is it? You're starting to scare me." The look on his face was almost frightening with his sad, blue eyes under questioning eyebrows. He bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling as he tried to put his tortured thoughts into words.
"I thought that maybe... that things would be better if... if I weren't around."
"What do you mean by if you weren't around?
He couldn't even look at her anymore and tears were coming on full force as the feelings flooded back into his mind. He put his hand over his face and closed his eyes tight. "If I were gone," he mumbled. "It would be so much easier... for everyone," he added.
Becca didn't quite follow him. "Gone? Where?"
He rolled over and buried his face in a pillow. Was he going to have to say it out loud? He turned his head, facing her. "I just wanted to die," he admitted. "And I'm not kidding. I was seriously thinking about it and it's not gone, but there are reasons why I couldn't. I'm just afraid that I might forget what those reasons are next time." He looked back into her eyes long enough to recognize the fear and worry, and then looked away.
She scooted closer to him and put her arm around his back. "Justin," she said, her face close to his. "You're wrong. If you were to leave, it wouldn't be easier on anyone. Do you think JC would want you to take your own life?"
He shook his head slowly as he looked into her eyes. "No," he admitted. "He wouldn't want that."
"There you go then. Isn't that reason enough?"
"You don't understand, though. It's not only that and just because I know that he wouldn't want it, doesn't make it hurt any less."
Chapter 12
Almost A Memory Now
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