'Think about Becca,' Dr. Sibly had told him. What if he didn't WANT to think about Becca? What if he wanted to think about something else? Something like… JC. Oh, wait… he had told him to think about JC as well. Who knew that thinking about something besides Becca and JC would be so difficult?
If he tried hard enough, he knew he could think about something else. Like… pies. He loved pies. Blueberry, raspberry, strawberry and French silk. He wondered how many he could eat if they were sitting in front of him right now. Remember the time when he and Becca sat in that pie shop and ate slice after slice? Then they went home and he felt so sick… and she held him until he fell asleep…
'Stop!' he screamed at himself. 'You're not supposed to be thinking about Becca!'
He tried again. What else could he think about? Summer. Summer was fun last year. He and JC went up north and partied at that casino. Then they went water skiing on the lake…
'What is WRONG with you? Can't you think about anything that doesn't have to do with Becca or JC?'
Dr. Sibly had noticed the distressed look on Justin's face and he set down his pen. "Something wrong, Justin?"
Justin shook his head. "No, why would you think that?"
"You look… like you're mad at something."
"I thought you said I could just sit here for the rest of the time and think about whatever I wanted."
"What were you thinking about?"
"You never said that I had to tell you."
"No… you're right, I didn't, but I'm asking you to let me in on your thoughts."
Justin's eyes narrowed. "Like hell, I will."
"Fine." He picked his pen back up and went back to his notebook.
Justin stared at him. "What are you writing down in that notebook about me?" he asked with curiosity.
Dr. Sibly looked up at him and raised his eyebrows. "Now, why should I tell you what I'm writing in my notebook when you won't tell me what's going through your head?"
"But that's completely different," Justin argued. "What you have in that notebook is concrete. No one will ever SEE my thoughts."
"And no one will ever see this notebook besides me. Like I've told you before, these sessions are completely confidential."
"Yeah, but who says that someone won't ever get into your stuff and read what you've written about me? Besides, if what you're writing IS about me, then don't you think I have the right to read it?"
"No. This is my personal property."
"But you're writing it about ME."
Dr. Sibly tapped his pen against the table. "Okay, Justin, how about we make a deal."
"Like what?"
"You tell me what you were thinking about and I'll tell you what I wrote in my notebook, okay?"
Justin thought about it. Did he really want to read Dr. Sibly's notes THAT badly? But what if it told about how crazy he thought he was? "Okay, fine. I'm assuming that I'll have to go first, right?"
"Would you?"
"I guess."
"Okay. Go ahead," Dr. Sibly told him as he relaxed into his chair and waited to hear what Justin had to say.
"I didn't think about Becca and JC the WHOLE time."
"Justin, it was only five minutes."
"Still, I thought about other things too. I thought about food and summer and water skiing."
"What else did you think about?"
"I thought about when Becca and I went out for pie awhile ago," Justin said in a much softer voice.
"Was this before or after the accident?"
"After. We just sat there and ate pie. I got sick," he admitted.
"You got sick?"
"I ate too much that day."
"How was Becca?" "She was fine... what are you getting at here?"
"Nothing. We're only talking."
"Yeah right. Psychiatrists don't just TALK, they ANALYZE."
"I thought we were cooperating here."
Justin frowned. "I'm trying."
"Good. Now, tell me... how do you think Becca felt when you were sick?"
"I don't know... I guess she was kind of worried about me."
"Because you didn't feel well?"
"I guess. She was concerned that had I had eaten too much pie." "Are you sure that that was the only reason she was worried?"
"How in the hell should I know?" Justin suddenly fumed. "I can't read Becca's mind, you know. I'm not psychic."
'I never said you were. All I'm asking is for you to tell me if there was any other reason why she might be concerned about you."
"Whoa, doc, I think you're getting way off base here. The deal was for me to talk about my thoughts in those five minutes and you were going to tell me what you wrote in your notebook. You never said that you were going to ask me questions about my thoughts."
"But, Justin, don't you think you're going to have questions about my notes?"
"That's not fair. You're analyzing my thoughts when all I want to know is if you think I'm crazy or not."
There was a short moment of silence.
"Do YOU think you're crazy?"
"No!" Justin answered quickly. "What is there to be crazy about?"
"Why do you think that I think you're crazy, then?"
"Isn't everyone who you see crazy in some way or another?"
"No. Not all of my patients are mentally ill. In fact, most of them aren't. Sometimes, it just takes me a while to determine a person's mental health."
"Really..." Justin said in an uninterested voice.
"Just for the record, I don't think you're crazy, Justin. Everyone who loses someone they love go through a period where they don't understand life anymore. Some people just deal with it better than others do."
"And how do you think I'M dealing with it?"
"I think it's getting easier for you as time passes."
"You're wrong, you know..."
"I am?"
"It's NOT getting easier for me. Becca's pregnant, you know, and I haven't told you this before, but she asked me to be her baby's dad."
"She did? And what did you say?"
"I said yes. I mean, I really didn't have much of a choice."
"You didn't?"
"That came out wrong. I DID have a choice... I just... well, it's not really a secret that I love her and I want the best for her and her baby. Doctor, she doesn't have a job... but even if she did, I'd WANT to take care of her."
"You said that you love her and it's not a secret. Does she KNOW?"
"She knows... I've told her so... but it's not like you think. What we have is more than a regular friendship, but it doesn't go past our hearts. Even so... JC still has hers."
"He probably always will. Once a person loves someone as deeply as Becca loved JC, a part of her will always love him and he'll ALWAYS be in her heart. The thing that you have to remember is that love isn't restricted. As long as our hearts are open, we can always love more."
Justin raised an eyebrow.
"Think of it this way," Dr. Sibly continued. "You've heard married couples say that they couldn't possibly love another person as much as they love their spouse... but then they realize how wrong they are once they've had their first child. There's always room for more love. Do you understand?"
"Yes, I understand what you're saying, but what I'M saying is that Becca will never love me as much as she's loved JC. What YOU don't understand is how great of a person JC was. I'm nothing compared to him."
"Don't say that."
"Have you ever met him?"
"No."
"Then you can't possibly know how great he was, now, can you?"
"Well, I guess not, but still, you shouldn't put yourself down like that. Becca likes you, doesn't she? She wouldn't have asked you to help raise her baby if she didn't. Do you think she'd trust her child to a man if he's as awful as the person you've described yourself as?"
"Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she's been blinded by JC's death and she doesn't realize what she's doing."
"Do you really believe that?"
"What else is there to believe?"
"Maybe she thinks you're a great person and you'd be a terrific dad. Justin, have you ever thought that she might love you?"
"You didn't know JC, and you don't know Becca, so I don't see how you can come to all these conclusions by just talking to me. As far as you know, I'm making the whole thing up."
"Are you?" Dr. Sibly asked, even though he knew that Justin was telling the truth.
Justin crossed his arms even tighter across his chest. "Maybe."
"You're not lying, Justin. If you were going to lie, then you would never have been so reluctant to tell me about your life."
Dr. Sibly looked at his watch. "Well, Justin, you've made it through another session. Do you want to make an appointment for next week?"
"Even if I say no, you'll get a call from Becca and she'll make the appointment for me anyway, so I might as well make it myself and save her the trouble."
"Good. You can talk to my secretary on the way out."
Justin moved to stand up, but when his eyes connected to Dr. Sibly's, he froze. "So... so you DON'T think I'm crazy?"
"No, I don't. I just have one thing to tell you."
"What's that?"
"Try to take things one step at a time. Concentrate on the moment and don't think too far ahead, okay?"
"I'll try," he replied. Though he wasn't smiling and his face held a steady, neutral expression, he didn't look angry as he stood up and made his way to the door.
"Justin?" the doctor called out before he left. "I'll see you next week."
Justin didn't do more than glance in his direction. "Yeah..." he said before walking out.
Becca's eyes lifted from her magazine when she noticed him enter the waiting room. Before he knew it, she had her arms around him in a tight embrace.
"You okay?" she asked softly. "You seem kind of... dazed..."
He practically melted in the safety and comfort of her arms, but then remembered where he was, so he held back his tears. "I'm okay... but can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Can we make another appointment for me later? I just want to go home right now."
"Sure, honey. You're probably really tired." She said as she led him out the door and into the parking lot.
Justin climbed into the car and jammed his door. "Shit!" he exclaimed as he jammed the keys into the ignition.
"What's wrong?"
"He said he would show me his notes and he never did! I swear, Becca, the man plays mind games!"
"What did you expect? He's a psychiatrist. They're all experts at mind games."
"Maybe I should go back in," he sighed as he leaned back against his seat and looked at the roof of the car. "I mean, we had a deal. You don't just BREAK a deal... it's not right."
She wrapped her fingers around his. "I thought you wanted to go home. C'mon, Justin, you're exhausted. You can see his notes next time."
"But he PROMISED!"
"Maybe I should drive so you can rest, okay?"
He opened his door and stepped out to trade spots with her. When both were back inside the car, Justin closed his eyes and they drove off.
Once they got home, Justin stretched himself out on the couch and Becca moved his legs out of the way so that she could sit down next to him. She noticed that his eyes were halfway open so she nudged him.
He closed his eyes. "Hmm..."
"What do you feel like?"
"Sleeping," he mumbled.
"No, I mean do you feel better than before?"
He opened an eye and peered down at her. "Come here," he said.
"Huh?"
"Come here!" he said louder, opening the other eye.
She detected a small smile on his face and that made her grin. Had he finally gotten that stupid idea of suicide out of his head? Did he realize that he was worth more than that?
He sat up and looked at her. "Becca..." he said quietly, the smile on his face growing larger as he lunged for her and gathered her up tightly within his arms. He pressed his face against her cheek and closed his eyes, feeling her body relax.
"I'm okay," he whispered. "So don't worry... all right?" Becca gave a small nod and bit her lip. She didn't know why she felt like crying, but the feeling was there and she didn't think it would go away as long as Justin was holding her so close and JC wasn't anywhere on earth. Every emotion in her had mixed together and she wasn't sure how to react.
Justin pulled his face slightly away from hers and studied her expression with a look of concern in his eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked. Had he stepped over a line?
With one glance into his eyes, she broke into tears and buried her face in his chest.
"Was it something I said?" she heard him ask. "Did I do something to upset you?"
"No," she assured him through her tears. "It's probably just hormones. I'm fine."
"Are you sure? Is there anything that I can do to make it better?"
"Just hold me," her voice came out in a teary whisper.
So that's what Justin did. He held her until he thought she was asleep, but when he tried to lie her down on the ouch, she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
"Justin?" she said softly.
He reached for the blanket that sat on top of the couch and pulled it over her. "What is it?"
"Justin..." she said his name again, her eyes filling with tears once more. "I really miss JC."
His expression now matched hers; tears and sadness clouding his eyes. "I know you do," he said, leaning down to hold her, but she gently pushed him away.
"I want to be alone right now," she said shakily.
He nodded and got out of the living room almost as quickly as his legs could carry him. Though he would have rather ended up in his bedroom, he found himself seated at the kitchen table with his hand in a bag of peanut M&Ms. He stuffed four into his mouth at once and chewed. Why, when everything was starting to look up slightly, Becca had to go and close up on him? Right then, he was convinced that indeed, he was the world's unluckiest man.
Before he even realized it, JC had appeared in front of him. "Where have YOU been all day?" he practically growled. "I could have used your help in Dr. Sibly's office."
"Sorry about that, but I was busy." JC looked down at Justin's M&Ms and grinned. "I bet those are good. I haven't had chocolate in forever."
"You haven't had food in general in forever... and what's this about being busy? Do all the ghosts get together on Fridays and throw parties or something?"
JC looked offended. "Hey," he said. "That was REALLY uncalled for. Just because I'm a ghost, doesn't mean that I don't have other things to do besides hang around and baby sit YOU."
"BABY SIT me?! I don't think so! I did absolutely FINE without you today."
"Oh yeah? Then why does Becca look so upset on the couch? What did you say to her?"
"Nothing!"
"You've been IGNORING her?"
"No! I meant that I said nothing to UPSET her!" Justin lowered his voice and continued, "Before, she told me that it was only hormones, but later, she said something about missing you and then told me to leave her alone. That was it, I swear."
"She said that she wanted you to leave her alone and you didn't ask why?"
"She was upset and she wanted to be alone, so I didn't ask questions, okay?" "Will you please go out there and make sure she's okay?" JC stuck his lower lip out and pretended to pout. "Please? For me?"
Justin pushed the bag of M&Ms out toward the center of the table and stood up. "Fine," he gave in as he walked back into the living room, JC close behind him. There, he saw Becca on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms around her legs. She had her head turned away from him, and didn't see that he was in the room... but he could tell that she was still upset.
Now, the question was, what could he do to make her feel better? By no means, was ever going to be JC, so he had to figure out something on his own. Obviously, the direct comforting approach wasn't working too well. He'd have to try something else...
Chapter 15
Almost A Memory Now
JC {Fiction}
Justin {Fiction}
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