JC shook his head, keeping eye contact with his friend. "Everyday, Justin?" he asked, hardly believing it. It was hard to imagine ever being so sad.
Justin didn't respond. His only movement was his shift of gaze from JC and back to is hand. No one ever said that it was easy to admit that you cried everyday.
"Justin," JC's voice hardly came out.
"JC," Justin said, meeting his eyes once again. "I don't know how to fix things."
"That's just the thing, though. You shouldn't HAVE to fix it. You're not the one who messed up. I did." He paused and thought about it for a second. "You know what I wish? I wish you would have told me that you weren't happy before I died. I could have helped you then and then..." he stopped. He didn't want to blame it all on Justin. It wasn't his fault that JC had made the wrong decision.
"Honestly," Justin starting, trying to change the subject. "What do I like about myself..." he pondered.
A weak smile hit JC's face. Justin was really trying and that's what mattered. "You're the best friend I've ever had. You should like that about yourself."
He shook his head sadly. "I'm not a good friend. If I were, then I would have known when you were in trouble and I would have been there."
"But, that goes both ways. Justin, you've been in trouble all these years and I never knew about it until I was gone... what does that say about me?"
"But you're a good person!"
"And so are you! Look, if you would have known about me, you would have been there the same way that I would have been there for you had I known. You're as good a person as I was, Justin, you just have to realize it."
Justin sighed. "You don't understand what I'm going through."
"And YOU don't understand what I'M going through. It's both ways, Justin. It's not only you."
"But it IS only me! JC, you're not here! I'm ALONE!"
"You've got Becca and I don't. Stop complaining when you've got it all and I've got NOTHING!"
"Excuse me? I've got it all and YOU'VE got nothing? Dead or not, JC, Becca still loves YOU, not me. I don't have Becca and I don't have you. I have nothing."
JC glared at him. "You don't know how wrong you are."
"Whatever." He glared back at him. "We're off topic. Let's go back to what I like about myself."
"Whatever," JC echoed, obviously perturbed.
"Well, if you're not interested, then maybe we'll just end this."
"End what?"
"The conversation! What did you think I was talking about?"
JC folded his arms across his chest. "Never mind."
There was a long, thick silence as they avoided each other's gaze. Finally, Justin spoke up.
"I like the way I can relate to Becca," he said, still not daring to look in JC's direction. "I like the way that she thinks I'm trustworthy."
"Do YOU think you're trustworthy?"
Justin's eyes narrowed. "You're sounding like my psychiatrist again," he warned.
"I'm trying to sound like a friend."
"Sorry." He paused. "I think she can trust me."
"See!?" JC exclaimed, jumping up from his seat. "You DO like something about yourself! NOW, we're getting somewhere." He sat back down. "Keep going. You're on a roll."
"Keep going?" Justin asked in disbelief. "What? Do you want me to make things up?"
"No, I want you to tell me who you are... in an optimistic way."
"Oh, God, JC, do you know what you're asking me to do?"
"You don't have to. I mean, I'm just trying to help, but we can always talk about this later."
"Our laters have big, fat question marks after them."
"I know."
"I fell like this is all my fault," Justin sighed as he put his arms out on the table and rested his head on top of them. "If I would have just been happy..."
"We've been over this about a million times before and I've told you a million times before... it's not your fault, Justin."
Becca opened her eyes to a soft sound coming from the kitchen. It was Justin's voice. Was he on the phone? "Justin?" she said quietly even though she knew that he'd never hear her.
She got up from the warm blankets that were wrapped around her and tiptoed to the kitchen. There was a crack in the door and when she peered through, she saw him sitting at the table, his cheek pressed against the table's cold surface and his eyes were closed tightly.
"I don't know," he said, "but it doesn't even matter because she's yours. She's always been yours and she always will be."
Becca, with tears brimming her eyes, slowly pushed the door open. "Justin," she said and he perked up in his chair at the sound of her voice. His eyes were red and tired looking, the dark circles beneath them giving him away. He looked like he hadn't slept for more than a minute all night.
"Becca?" his voice came out in a scratchy whisper. "How long have you been standing there?"
She stepped toward him and reached for his hand. He let her cradle his head against her chest. "Long enough," she told him. "Justin... you're going to be okay... aren't you?"
He looked up at her, desperate to change the subject. "Becca, do you trust me?" Trust was all he had and he couldn't give it up.
"With my life," was her answer, and he closed his eyes again, a small smile spreading across his face and for the first time in a long time, he was beginning to feel content.
"Do you like me?" he asked. "Am I good enough to be your friend?"
"Yes, and of course," she replied. "Enough to be my BEST friend. Listen..." She pulled up a chair, sat down and took his hand back. "Don't forget about this baby. We're in this together and I wouldn't have let you in if I didn't like you. Trust me, I like you, Justin."
"Trust..." he echoed as he gazed back into her eyes. "We've got trust, don't we?"
She nodded.
"Do we have honesty?"
"Do we?"
It was Justin's turn to nod. "Becca," he said softly, scooting to the edge of his seat and taking her other hand, holding both of them between his own. "I have to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me."
"Sure, Justin. Anything." Her heart began to beat faster has ideas shot through her mind. How could you be perfectly honest with someone who was so unsure of himself? It was obvious from his actions and that fleeting look in his eyes that he wanted her to help him... to keep assuring him that everything would be okay until he was convinced himself.
"Becca," he said her name again, and when she took a closer look into his eyes, she saw fear. "Becca..." His voice was shaky now. "Do you think it's possible... that it's possible that someone could ever love me?"
She let out the breath that she hadn't even realized she'd been holding. "Oh, Justin, how can you possibly think that no one loves you?"
Big, shiny tears slipped from his eyes and over his red cheeks. "How can you ask that?" he countered, dropping her hands and looking away. "God, I feel like shit right now and you're asking me WHY?" I just do, okay?!" He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes.
"No, Justin! Please... calm down. That's not what I meant. I just don't understand what you're feeling. People love you, Justin, I'm sure of it."
"You're sure?" he sniffed as he stole a glance in her direction. "Who then?"
"Me," she told him straight out. "I love you. I know you care for me and I know you think that JC's taken up so much room in my heart that there's no place left for you, but, Justin... love can always grow. Maybe I don't love you the same way I loved JC, but love is love and that's all there is to it."
Never in his life had someone said flat out that they loved him... that he was worthy of their love... and meant it. More tears rolled down his face as his self worth raised a notch.
Becca pulled him up for a hug and held him tight. Every word she told him was true... only JC was still very much fresh in her mind and alive in her heart... but, Justin... Justin was there with her and hopefully, he'd stay. There wasn't much of a decision to make. If her baby couldn't have JC as a daddy, then he'd have Justin. He HAD a father, that was for sure. Besides... JC would have probably WANTED Justin to raise his baby had he known that he wouldn't be able to be there.
"I don't want to be this person anymore," Justin was saying as he clung to her. "I hate this blubbering idiot that doesn't know which way is up anymore."
"You're not a blubbering idiot," she assured him. "You've got every reason to cry. Besides... you haven't taken your pill yet this morning."
"You don't get it." He pulled away from her and held onto the edge of the table for balance. "I hate crying and I hate taking pills to make it go away. They don't work anyway. I need a new prescription."
"Why didn't you tell Dr. Sibly that yesterday?"
"I didn't want them! Taking pills makes me feel like I can't control things on my own. I don't want to depend on some pill."
"Justin, that's what the pills are FOR... they're supposed to help you until you don't need them."
"And how long is that going to take? A month? A year? That's too long!"
Becca grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the living room, sitting him down on the couch. He looked like a wreck. "Just calm down," she told him. "You're not helping anything by getting all worked up."
"I can't take them, I just can't! If I did, then it would be like admitting that I have..."
"Depression?" Becca suggested.
"When I DON'T!" Justin finished.
"Justin, have you been lying to me when you said you were taking the pills?"
He buried his face in his hands. "I just couldn't take them!" he mumbled.
"It's been two weeks since you got the prescription! What have you been doing with them?"
"I flushed them down the toilet," he admitted, pulling his hands away from his face and looking at her with hope. "You understand why I can't take them, don't you?"
"Yes, I understand, but you STILL need to take them. They'll help... you'll see." She got up, retrieved the pills from the kitchen counter, poured a glass of water and walked back into the living room. "Here." She handed him the pill and the water. "Please, Justin, if you're not going to do this for yourself, then do it for me."
He grumbled, but put the pill in his mouth and took a gulp of water anyway. "There!" he said. "Happy?"
She took the glass from him and set it down on the coffee table before plopping down next to him. "Open up."
His eyes widened. "Excuse me?!" he asked in shock.
"Your mouth. Open it."
"What!? I thought we had trust here!"
"And I thought we had HONESTY."
His shocked expression relaxed and he reached for the glass of water. After downing it, he put the glass back down and opened his mouth for Becca to inspect.
"Lift your tongue," she demanded and he did so. There was no sign of the pill.
Justin felt different. It was a slight fuzzy feeling that he passed off as sleepiness when he sat up and stretched. It was fading a little, but wasn't going away completely and he still felt so different. Could it have been that pill that Becca made him take?
It was almost as if he could feel the medicine coursing through his veins... and it wasn't a good feeling. It bothered him that when he stood up, his limbs were tingling. He made his way down the stairs and to the kitchen for another cup of coffee., but the second he reached for the coffee pot, there was a hand on his wrist.
"Don't even think about it. You KNOW that caffeine is off limits. I've been telling you that for the longest time! Tomorrow, I'm putting that thing in the trash."
He whined and he sat down while she reached for the refrigerator handle.
"Want some juice?"
He wasn't listening. All he did was stare at the empty chair across the table that JC had once occupied. His eyes were dry and he blinked... but when he looked back at the chair, there was still no sign of JC.
"Justin," her voice broke through his confused thoughts. "Did you want some juice or not?"
He nodded. "Sure." But all he could think about was how different everything seemed. He couldn't believe what a baby he'd been. But, then again, he supposed that it was bound to happen after keeping everything locked up inside for so many years... for his entire life.
A glass of orange juice slid in front of him and he sipped at it, not even realizing that he was doing so.
"Are you okay?"
The next time he blinked, he found Becca sitting in the chair. Where was JC? He almost said it out loud, but caught himself at the last second. "What?"
"I asked if you were okay. You look a little... out of it."
"I'm fine," he answered. "I just feel... weird. I feel like a wreck. I've been an awful wreck." He stopped to sigh. "Why do you put up with me?"
She took a moment to think about his words while she stared at his glass of juice. "That's easy. I put up with you for the same reason you put up with me. This is a hard time for both of us and we just need to take it day by day.
Midday came and Justin was still feeling weird. Every feeling and thought that rushed through his mind seemed watered down compared to before... and that fuzzy feeling hadn't gone away.
He sat in his room with a book that Becca had given him to read to take his mind off of everything else, but he was having trouble concentrating. It wasn't as if the book was boring... it was just that he was bored. JC was completely gone this time and every time Justin tried to get in touch with him, he never showed up.
"Where are you?" he mumbled to the black print on his book as he flipped through the pages. "I can't look at these words anymore... they're giving me a headache. I don't know what to do with myself. It's like... I'm so antsy that I want to run around and scream, yet I'm so tired and weak that I just want to fall over and sleep for the rest of eternity..."
He stopped talking, looked up from his book and then around the room. "Who am I talking to, anyway?" he asked himself.
He looked back down at his book and shrugged. The words were all blurry and no matter how many times he tried to get through that first page, he couldn't make sense out of anything, so he slammed the book shut. "This is dumb," he said. "I've got to do something more... more active." He threw the book down on his bed and took a deep breath. "Becca!" he yelled as he jumped up from the bed, ran out of his room and down the stairs. "Becca, I need to get out of the house... now!"
The mall was packed that Saturday afternoon with happy shoppers all around them, chatting, laughing and basically having a good time. For the first time since JC's death, Justin actually felt normal.
Becca stopped in front of a baby store and Justin almost ran right into her. "I've been thinking," she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the store. "The last time I was here was when JC was alive. Did you know that this was where we were headed on the day of the accident?" She watched Justin pick up a pair of tiny, green socks. He held them out to her and she took them, giving him a smile. "We were going to get stuff for the baby. He was so excited..."
Justin nodded, but didn't look at her. His fingers swept over the smallest size of baby shirts and he took it off the rack.
"I'm almost four months pregnant," she said. "And I can't wait until the baby's born."
"It'll be so different," he mumbled as they walked down one of the supplies isles. The rest of the time they spent in the store, he was quiet. Back out in the halls, with a bag full of purchases, Becca led him to a bench and pushed him down. "Are you sure you're all right? You've been so quiet today."
He sighed. "I'm okay... I just feel so different that I don't know what to do with myself." A frown came to his face. "Before... well, last night, this morning... before you made me take my medicine, I felt hopeless, like there was nothing I could do. There was nothing ANYONE could do to make me feel better... but now it's like it doesn't even matter. The way I felt before was so emotional... so intense, and now... now it's like everything inside of me is numb." He stopped, looked over at her for a second and then focused on his feet. "Kinda like he did..."
"Like who?"
"JC," He replied, even though JC seemed so far away right then. "Going numb. When you die, everything goes numb... only you're still there..." he rambled on. "You can see, but you can't feel anything. You can hear, and you can move, but it doesn't really matter because you're numb."
Becca was staring at him in shock. Where in the hell had he heard all that from?
Chapter 17
Almost A Memory Now
JC {Fiction}
Justin {Fiction}
My Fiction
I'll Never Stop {Fiction}
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