"Yes, I would mind. As much as I want to knock that table over myself, well, I can't, but... you know, Justin, knocking it over won't solve anything."
Justin pouted. "But it would make me feel so much better."
For a few seconds, you might, but you won't feel better when someone hears you and comes in here asking what the problem is."
The anger and pain was rising in him and he had to struggle to remain in control. "I don't need to tell them why I knocked it over! Damn it, my best friend is DEAD!"
"I'm REALLY sorry that I'm dead!" JC yelled back. "But there's nothing I can do about it!"
Justin fell backwards into a chair and put his hands over his face. "I can't do this... I can't go to the funeral and see your body. I can't sit here and talk to you like you're alive when I know that you're not."
"Do you know what it's like to be dead? Of course you don't, you're ALIVE." He stepped closer to Justin. "I see and hear EVERYTHING, Justin, and nobody but you even knows that I'm here. It's like a big dream, only I know it's real. I don't feel ANYTHING... the closest I can get to a feeling is the memory of it and what if that fades? Then where will I be?"
"I'm sorry," Justin whispered. "I'm sorry that I freaked out."
"Let's stop being sorry because it all comes down to the past... and we can't change the past."
Justin sighed. "I still want to knock over the table."
JC chuckled, but stopped when Justin looked up at him with pleading eyes.
"You'll be at the funeral with me, won't you?"
JC turned his back to Justin and thought about it. Could he really go to his own funeral?
"You've gotta go," Justin told him. "I can't go alone. Just the thought of you in that casket makes me... I don't know, JC. I can't describe it."
"What about Becca? She'll be there with you. You won't be alone," he replied, still not turning to face Justin.
"If you're not there, then..." he trailed off, not sure how to continue.
"Then what, Justin?" JC asked as he spun back around. "Then you'll know that I'm really gone? Why is that such a bad thing? It's the truth, isn't it?"
"Stop!" Justin looked away as more tears fell from his eyes and landed on his already tearstained cheeks. "I can't talk to you when you're like this!"
"You mean, when I'm telling the truth?" JC took three steps forward so that he was directly in front of Justin. "For the millionth time today, I'm DEAD. I'm as dead as they come, Justin."
Justin put his face back in his hands and didn't say a word. He knew that JC was dead, he just didn't want to keep talking about it. He wanted to pretend that he was dreaming.
JC just stood there and watched. "I shouldn't have yelled," he finally said. "And I'm sorry."
"You're sorry," Justin mumbled. "You're not the one here... left to deal with everything. Death must be SO much easier than life."
"Shut up," JC told him plainly. "Just shut the hell up. You have NO idea what it's like. NONE what so EVER. You didn't lose your wife, your friends, your family. To me, it's like I'm living and the whole world died, so just shut up because you don't know what the hell you're talking about."
Justin pulled his legs up on the chair and refused to look at JC. "Okay," he said softly. "Maybe I don't understand. Maybe you're right, but I can't imagine death being harder than life. If you would have gone to heaven, it would have been easy."
"You WANT me to go?" JC asked in shock. Just a few minutes ago Justin was saying that he was GLAD that JC had stayed. "You're just mad and upset," he concluded.
"I'm mad that I'm so upset," Justin clarified. "You were right when you said that I didn't want to accept the fact that you're dead. I don't. I don't want you to be dead."
"Of course you don't. Who wants their friends dead?"
"Not me. I want you alive."
"That was a rhetorical question," JC told him, but Justin didn't say anything, so he just continued, "I don't want to be here. I wish that there wasn't such a thing as the afterlife. I wish that dead meant dead. I'm dead, but I'm still here, and that's really confusing."
"It's confusing me, too. I think I might be going crazy." He paused. "JC, what if Becca's listening?"
"She's not listening to you. You said yourself that the nurse gave her a sedative. She won't be conscience for a while."
"Remember when you came back in here before, saying that someone saw you? What was that all about?" Justin brought up.
"He saw me because he was dead. The living can't see me... well, besides you. I went back to talk to Mike and he explained everything to me."
"Now, who's Mike?"
Time passed, slowly but surely and everyone got a little more used to how things were and would be for quite some time. When Justin stepped into JC's wake, it was like entering his nightmare all over again. He had tried and tried to convince JC to come with him, but the answer had always been no. He had said that he just couldn't take it.
There were flowers surrounding the casket, but from a distance and through teary eyes, they were blurred. Quickly, he put his arms around Becca and turned his head away. He just couldn't look.
Becca's face was buried in his chest. She couldn't look either. To be completely honest, the only thing that was keeping her semi-sane was the constant warmth of Justin's arms and the tiny speck of life within her womb that carried the last remaining piece of JC.
They were the first ones there and that made it worse. Being alone in the room with his body made both Justin and Becca want to leave.
They couldn't. They had to stay. There weren't any options this time. They were so sad and she knew that nothing could ever happen to replace their loss, that the time came when the tears just stopped. No matter how much she wanted to cry, she couldn't.
"I want to get out of here," She mumbled out loud into his chest. "Can't we go out into the main hall until more people come? I can't look."
Justin didn't say yes, he didn't even nod. All he did was lead her out into the hall. Becca couldn't part from Justin. When they had been in the room, she had briefly seen his face. Even though she was tucked safely within Justin's arms, she could still see the image beneath her eyelids.
He was gone... he was really gone and he wasn't ever coming back. Never. He'd never be there again. When his child was born, he wouldn't be there.
He was outside the building, just standing there and watching the living walk past. Justin and Becca had arrived early so they could greet people who came. It was still early and JC wanted to be anywhere else, but he had opted to wait outside in case he was called inside. The closer he was to his destination, the less energy was lost and the less weak his soul felt.
He had never liked wakes. They had always made him feel uncomfortable and depressed. Death was real and he knew that more than anyone. He never thought he'd be there, at his own wake and standing quietly outside the building. He was inside there too... his body and he didn't want to see it.
He never thought he'd be referring to his own flesh as "it."
He supposed that in a way, he felt the same as Justin did. Once he saw his body, it would be real... and he'd have to face the facts. He was DEAD. Dead.
What did death mean, anyway? Throughout his life, he would have said something completely different. Now, he knew that death was just another phase of life. What was life? It was flesh, blood... substance. Wasn't it? Or was life your consciousness? In a way, he was still alive. If he were dead, he'd be nothing. It would be like an eternal sleep with no dreams. Nothing. This was definitely something.
All of his spiritual energy was surfacing and he knew that he was being moved. He dreaded his destination and closed his eyes as tight as he could get them.
Once the energy was spread out again, he still didn't open his eyes. What if he were standing right in front of his body? "Justin?" he said. "Say something if you're there. I don't want to open my eyes if..."
"It's okay," he heard Justin's voice say softly. "We can stay here for a while. We won't have to go back in until you're ready."
He opened his eyes and realized that he was inside the funeral home, but not in the same room with his body. He wanted to breathe in a huge a sigh of relief as his eyes focused on Justin and Becca.
"I'm glad you're here," she whispered.
"I wish you could know that I'm here," JC said, even though he knew that she couldn't hear him. "I wish I could take all your pain away, but I don't know how."
Justin buried his face in her hair at JC's words. "Me too," he answered both of them.
"Justin," she said. "I want to see him one last time. I never got to say good-bye." Her tears finally came as Justin slowly shifted his weight from foot to foot, rocking her softly. "I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want him to be gone."
Slowly, he pulled away and looked into her teary eyes. "Let me tell you something, Becca. Even though we can't see him, he's here. He's always going to be with us... no matter what. I bet if you were to talk to him, he'd hear every word."
"I want to tell him that I love him," she sobbed. "That I always will... forever, and... and I want to thank him for always being by my side and loving me unconditionally."
"But I'm NOT by your side," JC told her when she was done. "I'm not here to hold you and comfort you when you need me most. I'm not here!"
"Yes, you are," Justin let slip.
The look on Becca's face was pure confusion. "I'm what?"
"I mean... yes, he was and he did."
She looked down at her black shoes. "I hate talking about him in past tense. It's so... final."
"Nice cover," JC muttered. "I hate being here. I want to be buried! Why does everyone have to look at me first? Who's sick idea was it to have the deads' loved ones view the body? It only makes it worse for all of us."
"I agree," Justin answered them both once again. "But someone once told me that we have to accept things the way they are if we're ever going to be happy again."
Becca sat down on a couch next to the wall. "Who told you that?"
He sat down next to her and JC stood in front of them. "JC did," he finally said after a short pause.
"When?" she asked breathlessly. "When did he say that?"
"A while ago..." He looked up at JC. "Am I going crazy? Seriously..."
"No," JC answered. "And stop talking to me. You're not supposed to talk to me right now."
Becca leaned against him. "Why would you ask that?"
"I said that you couldn't tell her about me, Justin. You can't."
"I won't. Look, Becca, I really don't know why I said that... I guess I'm just feeling like... well, you know what I feel like, don't you?"
"Yes, I do," she replied with a sigh. "But, Justin, why does it always seem like you're talking to someone else besides me?"
"What?" Justin tensed up. He REALLY needed to be more careful. If he kept talking to JC around Becca, things could get bad.
She sat up. "I don't know. It's just that sometimes you say things that make no sense... and there are these long pauses in our conversations like you're listening to silence. It's starting to creep me out."
He turned to face her. "How can you listen to silence?"
"That's why it scares me. You can't."
"Justin..." JC said in a warning voice. "Fix this!"
"Don't worry!" he said a little too loudly to apply to Becca's statement but a little too quietly for JC's demand. "I'm not listening to silence, I'm just thinking. I'm allowed to think, aren't I?"
"Don't get defensive. It just seemed weird to me."
"I've just been thinking a lot lately," he mumbled. "These past few days have been the worst days of my life... not to mention the craziest, and my mind's just on overload."
"I understand that."
He could feel her looking at him, so he met her stare.
"Justin?" she said. "Will you hold me?"
JC watched silently as his best friend gathered Becca up in his arms. "Justin," he said in a weak voice. "I have to go."
"Where?" he said softly.
Becca pulled away from him. "See? That's what I mean! Why did you just ask where? Where's what?"
"Well, I need to know!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I was just um... thinking about where JC is."
She swatted at him. "That's NOT funny!"
He grabbed her hands and stared into her eyes. "No, seriously... have you ever wondered where you go when you die? JC knows... but we don't."
She was still glaring at him with a disturbed look on her face. "Heaven, Justin," she spat out. "He's in heaven."
"How do you know?"
JC wanted to get angry. "Enough, Justin. This is a BAD topic to be discus-"
Becca cut him off. "How do I know, Justin? Did you even KNOW JC? I thought you were his best friend!"
"I am! I mean... I was..." he slowed down. "But maybe things don't work that way up there. I mean, I know he's not in HELL..."
"Justin! Stop!" JC yelled. "You're going too far!"
"What are you implying? That you think he's in purgatory or something?"
"I didn't say that..."
"But did you IMPLY it?"
"No!"
"I don't want to argue with you about this. I know he's in heaven and that's all that matters. He's there."
"I'm just saying that someone as young as JC might have... unfinished business."
JC took a step forward. "Justin, you're such an idiot! Don't you realize that Becca's husband just DIED? She can't see me like you can... she thinks I'm gone for good. You're being REALLY insensitive. If your wife just died and someone told you that she had unfinished business, how would you feel?"
By now, Becca was in tears. She had moved away from Justin and was curled up at the other end of the couch.
"But I'm SO sick of being the only one!" he told JC. "Everyone thinks I'm insane!"
"You ARE insane," JC told him. "And that's exactly why I have to get out of here... so you'll stop talking to me. Becca can't find out."
Justin watched as JC disappeared. He turned his head to look at Becca. "Becca," he said, moving over to her and wrapping his arms around her sobbing figure. "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just as confused about this as you are and I don't know why I said those things."
"You're the only one? Think again. Everyone thinks you're insane? They don't think, they KNOW SO." She pushed him away and got up from the couch. "I don't know what your problem is, but if you like to go around breaking widows' hearts, then you should be really PROUD of yourself."
Justin stood up, grabbed her arm and forced her to look into his eyes. "I said that I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm not trying to break your heart. I lost him too and I'm sad and angry just like you are. Cut me a little slack, Becca, I've never been through anything like this before and just like you've found out..." He paused and lowered his head as he whispered in her ear, "it's hard."
She closed her eyes, but only saw JC's casket. "Okay," she whispered back. "I understand. Let's not talk about this anymore."
"But, Becca, I can't stand the silence."
"There's nothing to talk about, Justin. Every time I try to hold a conversation it always leads to JC... and as much as I loved him, right now it really hurts to think about him. My whole world revolved around him and now I'm nothing. Whether I'm talking, thinking, sleeping... EVERYTHING; he's all that's there."
"I'm sorry that this had to happen, and I'm hurt too... but I couldn't possibly be feeling what you are." After all, JC was completely gone for her and that wasn't the case for Justin.
She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and then buried her face in his shoulder. "People should be coming soon," she mumbled. "And I don't think I'm ready."
Chapter 5
Almost A Memory Now
JC {Fiction}
Justin {Fiction}
My Fiction
I'll Never Stop {Fiction}
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