Justin pulled her closer. She was grasping at straws that just weren't there. "He's dead, Becca. His body is right there... right in front of you. He's gone." Justin hadn't meant to sound so harsh, he just wanted her to realize the truth. He glanced down at his watch. "The funeral procession starts in seven minutes, Becca."
Becca looked at JC's face again. "I'll take care of our baby," she whispered. "I promise, I will. I'll tell her about you everyday and she'll always know who her daddy was and how excited he was when he found out about her. I'll never let her forget, JC." She took a deep breath and then continued. "I don't think I can ever say good-bye to you because you'll always be in my heart, but I guess I can kind of say it, even though this still doesn't seem real." She looked at Justin for a second and then back down. "Good-bye, JC, my love," she whispered as she wiped away a tear. "I'll love you and miss you forever."
"Good-bye, Becca," JC whispered back. "I hope I'll be back with you soon."
Everyone else said their quick good-byes and the casket was closed. Justin, Tyler and Becca's two brothers were the pallbearers and they lifted the casket outside and helped get it into the hearse.
Justin got inside his car and then shut the door behind himself. He saw JC in the back seat out of the corner of his eye as he started up the engine. Becca's eyes were glazed over with tears and she stared at the back of the hearse. A police officer zipped by on a motorcycle and went to the front of the line.
"Turn on your lights," JC said from the back. "This is a funeral procession and you should have your lights on."
"Oh yeah," Justin muttered, flicking the switch. "I forget."
Becca turned to look at him. "Forget what?"
"That I should have my headlights on."
"Oh."
The procession was slow, but after fifteen minutes, they arrived at the church. As Justin pulled into a parking spot, a bell chimed once. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed for about the twentieth time that day as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. "Let's go," he said. "We can get through this."
Becca pushed her door opened and listened to the clicking of the hinges. She placed her black shoe on the pavement, stepping out carefully. "Justin?" she said once he stood beside her. "Will you put your arms around me and not let go until this is over with?"
He gave her a teary nod and then slipped his arm around her shoulder. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."
Slowly, they stepped toward the church, JC's friends and family all around them... all making the same journey to the large, wooden doors.
JC appeared in front of Justin and Becca, walking backwards. "I'm not going in," he told Justin. "A person isn't supposed to be at his own funeral."
"But how do you know?"
Becca looked at Justin. "I didn't say anything."
"I know, but..."
JC took two steps up the stairs. "It just doesn't seem right. Why should I be there? I'm supposed to be dead."
"You are."
Becca was confused. "I'm what?"
Justin pulled open the heavy door and hooked it to a chain next to the wall, and then put his arm back around Becca's shoulders. "Nothing. I'm just thinking out loud."
"Are you?"
Justin raised an eyebrow. "Why else would I be talking out loud and making no sense?"
Becca sighed. "That's a good question."
"Good-bye, Justin," JC said as they stepped into the church. "And remember... be happy!" he said in a fake, cheery voice.
He rolled his eyes and waited in the back of the church with Becca, JC's parents and the rest of the immediate family. Tyler waved him to the door as a signal that it was time to bring the casket inside. "I'll be right back," he told Becca and then met Tyler at the door.
The casket was heavy, but it seemed even heavier to Justin. They got it up into the church and then the music started. It was an organ, and organ music always made him sad. He forced himself to concentrate on his task of holding up his corner and nothing else. Maybe it was better if he cleared his mind and tried not to think about anything. Maybe then, he wouldn't be so sad.
He took it step by step until they had reached the front of the church, and then, he and the other guys set the casket down so that it was parallel to the pews. They took their seats and Justin let Becca bury her face in his shoulder while the priest circled the casket and sprinkled it with holy water while he said a prayer.
"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit," he said, waving his hand in the sign of the cross. "Today, we gather here to honor the memory of Joshua Chasez and the life he has led."
In Becca's head, the words all blended together with the pain. Even though she was surrounded by people who had loved JC, it still didn't help. Without JC, nothing mattered.
"Are you going to be okay?" Justin whispered as the lector stepped up to the podium for the first reading.
She shook her head no. She wasn't going to be okay. How could she when JC was gone?
"Think about the baby. JC wouldn't want you to be so upset. Come on, Becca, keep your mind on the baby. That's what matters right now."
Slowly, she nodded, her hand gliding over her stomach. "We can do this," she said under her breath to the baby.
Not like any of it was easy, but the readings and gospel were the easiest part of the mass. During those parts, it was easy to think about the baby, but during the homily, the baby didn't matter and JC was gone all over again.
The priest talked for a long time about JC and Becca wished he'd stop. Justin's arms could only comfort her so much and it wasn't working anymore. They were called to stand in front of the alter, anyone who wanted to could put their hands on the white cloth that rested on the casket while the priest said the final prayer. Justin helped her to the alter and lifted her hand to the top of the casket. "You'll be okay," he whispered.
"O, Lord, we pray that you will welcome JC into your loving family and hold him there in the palm of your hand for the rest of all eternity. Amen."
"Amen," the teary crowd that had gathered around the casket answered.
The organ started up again and the crowd retreated back to their seats. The pallbearers remained at the alter while the priest sprinkled the casket with holy water, once again in the sign of the cross. He signaled for the pallbearers and they lifted the casket and walked back down the isle; everyone trailing behind.
Justin hated the song that seemed to be blasting from the speakers. He remembered it from his grandfather's funeral, his great aunt's and every other funeral he had ever been to. It depressed him even more, but with his hands holding up the casket, he couldn't wipe away his tears this time.
"And he will raise you up on eagle's wings..." they sang, and he could still hear it as he loaded the casket back into the hearse.
The back of the hearse slammed shut and he just stood there, staring at the blackness. The wind picked up and a cool breeze hit him in the face. JC was there with him.
"Come on," he said. "Everyone's leaving and Becca is standing alone by your car. She's watching you."
He turned to his car and saw her next to the passenger door, her curly hair blowing around her face as she clung tightly to her coat.
"Go," JC told him. "This is almost over with."
"Is it? What happens next? After the burial? You're not here and how am I supposed to help her cope?"
She probably thinks you're talking to yourself..."
Justin turned back to the hearse, shoved his hands into his pockets and frowned with frustration. "I don't care if she thinks I'm crazy. She shouldn't even be thinking about me... she should be taking care of herself."
"She worries about you just like you worry about her. Do you want her to worry?"
"No." Justin turned around to face Becca and their eyes met. "Of course I don't want her to worry," he muttered. "I just don't want you to be gone, JC."
"Then go to her. Tell her that you're there for her and that everything will be okay."
Now, Becca was moving toward them. Her heels were clicking softly on the pavement and it was all Justin could hear.
"Justin," she said, taking his hand. "Everyone's waiting for you."
He looked up, wiped away his tears and noticed the crowd of cars in the parking lot, all waiting for them to get in their car. "I don't know why I was just standing there," he said as he led Becca back to the car. "I guess I felt like... like I didn't have anywhere to go."
JC's world was spinning. His soul hurt in a way it had never hurt before... yet he knew what he had to do. As he watched Justin and Becca walk away, he realized the only way he could make it work, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to go through with it.
"Just get through the burial," he told himself, following his wife and best friend. "And then you can decide what to do."
The once sunny day was slowly disappearing and by the time they got to the cemetery, dark clouds were looming overhead. Underneath black shoes, the grass was limp as everyone padded to the grave site. Becca held tightly to Justin's arm as they approached a small, green tent and stood calmly underneath, waiting for everyone to arrive. The priest was there with his holy water and bible, standing at the head of the casket with a solemn expression upon his face. Someone set a large arrangement of flowers on top of the casket, stood back, looked at it and then straightened them a little. Becca wanted to shout out at them, "Who cares? Why does it matter? You're not the ones who'll have to go home to an empty house after this... you're not the ones who've lost the person that you love more than anything in this world!" but she didn't. She couldn't. At the same time, she wanted to thank them for caring, for being so kind... but her throat was so dry that she knew she wouldn't be able to speak a word of her feelings.
After the cars were parked along the winding road and everyone was standing around the grave, the priest cleared his throat and said a prayer. Becca looked down between the casket and the top of the earth and into the blackness. She couldn't see the bottom... and she wondered what it would be like spending all of eternity in a hole.
The casket was slowly lowered into the ground and Becca clung tightly to Justin. She held a rose in her hand and after the priest closed his bible, she dropped the rose in. With one more sad look down into the depths, she whispered a hard good-bye and then buried her face in Justin's chest.
Rain fell lightly from the sky. It was the kind of ran that was cold and dreary, and when it hit Becca's face as Justin led her back to the car, it felt like ice, contrasting with her hot tears, and mixing into streams that flowed down her cheeks.
They were headed back to the funeral home to gather all the flowers and decide who was taking what arrangement home. To Becca, it didn't even matter. She planned on going there, telling her parents about the baby and then going home... and staying there for a really long time.
After the wake, funeral and burial, the truth was starting to slowly sink in. When she stepped back into the funeral home, her eyes immediately went to where JC's casket had rested. It was gone, JC was gone and he wasn't ever coming back. Not ever.
Becca kicked her shoes off and let her purse fall to the floor while Justin shut the door behind them. He nudged everything out of his way and then tried to put his arms around her, but she pushed him away.
"Don't," she said as she headed for the stairs.
Justin stared at her. "What? Do you want me to leave?"
She disappeared around the corner without another word as he stood there in shock.
"What's wrong?" JC wondered, next to him. "Why do you have that look on your face?"
Justin's head snapped around at the sound of JC's voice. "Where'd you come from? I haven't seen you in awhile."
JC laughed. "Where did I come from? Don't you know how it works by now?"
"I guess..." he sighed. "I'm just not used to it yet."
"So, what's wrong?"
"Becca's acting weird. She was acting like..." he stopped, ambled over to the couch and fell down on top of her coat. "...like she didn't care that I'm here... that I'm trying to help. I think she wants me to leave."
JC sat down next to him. "I'm sure she doesn't really feel that way. I bet she's just scared and confused right now and wants to be alone for awhile. Just stay here, and by the time she comes downstairs, she'll be glad you stayed."
"You think? I don't want to make her feel worse than she already does..." He chewed a fingernail as he stared hopefully at his friend.
"I know so, Justin. Trust me... Becca likes you and she wants you... NEEDS you around. Don't leave. She'll really fall apart if you do."
By now, on the floor in the upstairs hallway, tears coating her pink cheeks, Becca was really confused. The walls weren't that thick and she wasn't that far away from him... and once again, she could hear his strange conversation.
She had seen it in his eyes. It was a look that screamed he was paying attention to something... someone that wasn't her. No matter how eerie his gaze was when he got that way, nothing was stranger than his one sided conversations with himself. The thing that scared her the most was the tone of his voice. He didn't sound like himself anymore. He sounded scared, desperate... and even paranoid.
She sat in a small corner at the top of the stairs with her legs pulled tightly to her chest. She rested her cheek on her knee and strained to hear what he was saying.
"She can't fall apart," he said. "I... need her to stay strong so that we can deal with this together."
There was a long pause and then he started up again, "I know that sounds kinda selfish, but I'm serious. If we stick together then we'll get over this sooner, and the sooner I get over it, the sooner I'll be happy and then..." he trailed off. "How's that supposed to happen? Help me out here..."
Maybe he was talking to God. Maybe since JC's death he'd become more religious and realized that time on earth was precious. Some people prayed and asked for advice out loud... didn't they? Sure they did.
"Don't you have some sort of plan?" he asked after another pause. "I thought we had figured this out... and now you're telling me that you don't know what in the hell we're gonna do?"
Maybe he wasn't talking to God, but who then? She hadn't a clue of what he meant.
"Oh, God, JC, I just want to help! But how?"
Was he going insane? Did he think that he was talking to JC? That wasn't possible... JC was dead. Wasn't he?
Without thinking any further, she jumped to her feet, bolted down the stairs and into the living room. Her eyes were wide with a mixture of hope and fear as she stared at him.
Justin's face turned red and he looked away.
"Who... who are you talking to?" she stuttered, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face.
For awhile, he didn't say anything, but when the silence got too thick, he looked back at her. "No one," he said quietly, watching her knuckles turn white as she held on desperately to the wood framing that led into the dining room.
"No one?" she echoed. "I thought I heard... I heard you say..."
"God, Becca," he sighed. "I was only talking to myself."
"Yourself?! Then why..." she was shaking, and Justin stood up.
"Becca, what's wrong?" he asked, noticing her pale face and the fear in her eyes. "What are you thinking?"
"Go over to her," JC instructed.
He did, but when he tried to comfort her, she pushed him away once again.
"Stop!" she cried, moving away from him and then backing further into the living room as he turned to face her. "Don't touch me."
"Becca, I was just-"
"Justin, you're driving me insane!" she yelled in a shaky voice and then fell back onto the couch. "Why do you talk to yourself like that?" she asked, hugging her coat. "You're scaring me."
He sat down next to her. "I'm scared too," he said softly. "But..." Quickly, he thought of something to say. "Can't you understand?"
She blinked at him. "Understand what?"
"It's hard for me too and sometimes I get scared... I guess it helps to think out loud."
"But... but you were talking to JC. Justin, you know that he can't talk back, don't you?"
"Of course I do! Don't you ever talk to JC? He's just... someone to listen. You know?"
JC was clapping. "Well done!" He stopped when Justin looked up at him. "Don't look at me!" he hissed.
"Sorry..." Justin looked back down at Becca.
"You don't have to apologize," she said, dropping her coat and wrapping her arms around him. "I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry about before. I was just-"
"I understand, Becca. Don't worry about it." He glanced up at JC, who nodded at him. Justin continued, "Why don't you try and get some sleep? You must be really tired."
Chapter 8
Almost A Memory Now
JC {Fiction}
Justin {Fiction}
My Fiction
I'll Never Stop {Fiction}
Email me