Justin Timberlake looked up at his friend once more and took a deep breath. "I..." he started, barely able to say the words out loud. "I wrote him a letter... and I pretended to be someone that I wasn't."
JC Chasez's eyes met Justin's in a questioning glance. "I don't get it. You wrote him a letter? About what?"
"Yeah... about what I did. I made it sound like it was one of you guys who wrote it. That's why we ripped that page out of your notebook."
"Wait... why?"
Justin sighed. "I wrote his name in block letters on the front of the envelope and we came up with this crazy idea to make detectives out of ourselves and analyze everyone's handwriting."
"So that's why you took my notebook?"
By now, Justin's face was red. The words in JC's song were so incredibly personal that he was embarrassed to have read them. "No... I was mad at you," he finally answered. "You lied to Chris. I figured that I could read it and there would be nothing that you could do about it because I had the upper hand. I'm sorry, JC... it was wrong. But you know what? Everything going on right now isn't your fault. It's mine. You didn't sleep with Gracie." Justin paused to sigh. "I did," he admitted.
"Okay, okay," JC said, leaning back in his seat and looking up at the bus' ceiling. "I forgive you. Justin, I had no idea what you and Chris were going through."
"I swear to you, I only read the song... and a paragraph in the front. That's it... and the same goes for Chris."
"It's okay," he looked over at Justin with a real smile. "It's not like it's getting published or anything."
Justin smiled back. "So true!" he exclaimed. "And now that I know... how you... um..." He was about to say that he knew how JC felt and ask if he wanted to talk about it, but JC interrupted him.
"Stop." JC's smile faded, the words to the song echoing softly in his ears, over and over again until he began feeling nauseous.
"No, JC," Justin said, trying to think of what to say next. "I... I want to help. No one should feel the way-"
"You can't." Justin was looking at him in a way that he never wanted anyone to look at him ever again it scared him. It was a look of pity and he hated it. It made him remember what that look was for and another feeling of loneliness flooded through his veins. "Can we stop talking about this now?" he choked out.
"Fine, JC... but if you ever change your mind, I'm here."
Later that night, Justin sat on his bed, Chris' cell phone resting in his palm. He had never called Gracie back... maybe he should let her know what was going on. She was probably waiting by the phone or something extreme.
Chris was out getting something to eat, so he was in the clear. As he looked down at the phone, he silently declared that tomorrow, his mission was to obtain a new phone. Calling on Chris' phone wouldn't be too great if Gracie had caller ID. Good thing she didn't.
He put in her number and then waited patiently for her to answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi. It's me."
Just then, the door flew open and Chris stood there, red eyes glaring in Justin's direction and squeezing a bottle of half-finished Dr. Pepper in his left hand. "Who is that?" he demanded with absolutely no emotion in his voice.
Justin had to lie. He placed his fingers over the mouth piece and looked at Chris with wide eyes. "Joey," he spat out the first name that came to mind.
Chris looked somewhat shocked, but the way his eyes fell away in dismissal told Justin that he had bought his story. "Oh," was all he said as he walked over to his bed, set down his Dr. Pepper on the night stand and then picked up the remote.
Justin pulled his legs to his chest and nervously placed the phone back on his ear. "Joey?" he said quietly. "You there?"
"I'm not Joey... oh..." Gracie's voice came through the phone as she realized that Chris was probably in Justin's presence.
"I realize that. But I just wanted to tell you-" he stopped. There was no way he could say what he wanted to say with Chris sitting in the same room, probably listening to every word he was saying and psychoanalyzing it in his head. "Hold on a second," he said into the phone and then looked over at Chris. "I'm gonna go get a Coke. Kay?"
Chris didn't look at him. He only gave a weak nod as he continued to stare at the television.
Slowly, Justin got up and made his way to the door. Once he was out in the hall and the door had been closed securely behind him, he leaned back against it with a sigh.
"Gracie," he said, the phone back on his ear. "It's awful here... you have no idea what I'm going through."
He heard her sniff. "And YOU have no idea what I'm going through."
"I don't," he agreed. "But you should see Chris. He's a mess... and so am I and... well, I told JC what was going on, but Chris, he's..." his voice broke off as tears came to his eyes and he sank to the floor, his left hand hitting the red and purple carpet in distress.
"Justin, are you okay? You sound like you're reaching your breaking point."
"No," he choked. "I'm not okay. I hate the fact that Chris is so upset and there's nothing I can really do about it."
"Will you talk to him for me?"
"You want me to walk back in there, make you out to be a hurt and innocent girl and then tell him that everything is MY fault?"
"Well, isn't it?"
Justin was silent. "Not entirely. Have you forgotten what he did to ME?"
"You know that that was completely different, Justin," she said softly, not wanting to upset him. She needed him on her side... to help Chris get over things more quickly. "He never did it on purpose. He never meant to hurt you."
"And I'm the bad guy once again," he finished for her. "I don't care about anyone, only myself."
"Stop. You know that that's not true. If it were, then you wouldn't be so miserable right now. You wouldn't care how Chris felt and you wouldn't be having this conversation with me."
"I was mad. Doesn't anyone understand that? He HURT me!" Justin stretched his legs out into the middle of the hall and watched the tips of his shoes blend into the carpet's pattern. "No one understands me."
Chris sat on his bed, his legs curled up beneath himself and pressed mute on the remote control. He could hear Justin at the door still and knew that he was talking to Gracie. Chris wasn't a fool. If he stayed completely still and tilted his head towards the door, he could kind of hear Justin's muffled voice.
It made him mad that Justin was being so secretive again. He hated the fact that Justin felt as if he were walking on unstable ground when it came to his best friend... and maybe he was, but did he actually think that Chris wouldn't forgive him? Hadn't he forgiven him in the past? It just took a little time. He needed time... more than twenty-four hours.
When Chris had hit Justin, it hadn't really helped, but he had to admit that he felt at least a TINY bit better. The jab to Justin's jaw couldn't possibly have hurt as much as the wound in Chris' heart. He was sure of that.
"Time," he whispered, taking mute off the television and trying his best to lose himself in the program. He desperately needed something to drown out the pain.
I think you should call him," Justin continued out in the hall. "I know he needs to hear your voice. You should see him, Gracie, he's hurting."
"I can imagine. You don't think he'd hang up on me, do you?"
"I'll talk to him," he said quickly. "I'll make him understand that this isn't your fault. Chris is a reasonable guy... he won't hang up, and even if he does, I'm sure he'll come around..." Justin sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "... he loves you."
"Justin, you're making it sound like you're never going to be on good terms with him again. Do you honestly-"
"But doesn't it seem that way?" he interrupted her. "This is all my fault."
"What about JC? No one blames him for his meddling?" Gracie questioned.
"JC's got problems... he wasn't in his right mind."
"And you were?"
Justin sighed. "I'm not sure if I remember clearly..." he paused, pulling his legs back up and peering over his knees at the cream-colored wall. "Look, I'll hang up with you, go talk to Chris and then you can call back in twenty minutes. Okay?"
"Sounds good."
"Talk to you later."
"Yeah, and Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"Good luck, and stop being so hard on yourself. It's not true that no one understands you. Okay?"
A small smile came to his lips, but it didn't last more than a few moments. "Thanks," he said in a voice that was just above a whisper. "Bye."
"Good-bye, Justin," he heard her sweet voice say before she hung up. His hands fell around his legs, reaching for one another and letting the phone fall to the carpet as he closed his eyes and thought about the words he'd be saying to Chris.
It was a boring TV show and Chris wouldn't have been able to tell the plot if his life depended on it. His eyes were glazed over as he stared blankly at the television set.
He was still staring when the door cracked open and Justin's curly head appeared. Chris didn't look over at him, but it was easy to see him out the corner of his eyes. "Done?" he asked plainly.
Justin stepped the rest of the way inside and shut the door softly behind himself. "Done with what?"
"Talking to JOEY. That WAS who you were talking to, wasn't it?"
Justin cringed. Chris' voice was bitter and he realized that the task at hand was going to be a hell of a lot more challenging than he had first imagined. "Of course. Isn't that what I told you?"
Chris didn't answer. He only continued to pretend to watch television.
"Look, I think we need to talk," Justin brought up bluntly. "It's time we talk this through."
"Time?" Chris echoed loudly. "YOU'RE telling ME about TIME?"
"I wanted to say I was sorry! Can't you just LISTEN?"
"I've heard it before," Chris said, crossing his arms. "We've been over this."
"I know, but I've got something new to say this time."
Chris watched skeptically as Justin moved to his bed, dropped the phone at his feet and then flopped down on his own bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it close. "It's all my fault," he said painfully, looking sideways at Chris' seemingly emotionless profile. "This is my fault, not yours and not Gracie's..."
"And you were talking to JOEY on the phone..." he repeated. "Right..."
"Okay, so maybe I wasn't talking to Joey. So what? Why does it matter? I'm trying to fix things here."
"God, Justin... don't you understand? I need TIME. Do you even know what time IS?"
"All I want you to know is that I don't think you should blame Gracie. It's MY fault."
"Who cares what you want?" Chris spat out, no feeling in his voice.
It was obvious to Justin that Chris hadn't meant a word; it was his pain talking. "I'm honestly sorry, Chris. When will you believe me?"
"I do believe you," Chris sighed, still not even glancing in Justin's direction. "I just wish you'd quit bugging me about it.?"
"Fine. I'll stop... just one last thing..."
Chris finally looked at him.
"You can forgive me later, but don't make Gracie wait too long. Chris, she needs you, and none of this was her fault."
Chris looked back at the TV as his eyes filled with tears. He had to admit, even if it was only to himself, that Justin was right. Hurt or not, he had to be there for Gracie. She DID need him... a wave of guilt rushed over him as he realized he'd been neglecting Gracie's needs... even if it were only for a day. It WASN'T her fault and he was taking it out on her anyway.
At the end of his bed, his cell phone was ringing. Chris picked it up and looked at the tiny screen. He saw Gracie's name and a tear ran down his cheek. "It's for you," his pride said as he tossed the phone to Justin. "Answer it."
Justin looked over at the phone as it rang for the third time. He sat up. "No... it's for you. Trust me." he tossed the phone back to Chris, looking at his friend's face just in time to catch the evidence of tears before Chris wiped them away.
"I can't," he said more to himself than to Justin.
"Yes, you can," Justin encouraged. "I know you can do this, Chris. You love her .It won't be too hard, I promise."
No matter how good Justin's words made him feel, he could let him see that. All he could do was give the smallest nod.
The phone rang two more times by the Chris found the courage to pick it up. It rang once more, sitting in his palm. He gulped and turned it on.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Chris," said a teary, worn down voice on the other line. "Please don't hang up on me..."
"I'm not, he assured her. Her voice had brought more tears to his eyes and he suddenly wished that he was alone in room. Justin's presence, while he had Gracie on the phone, was making him uncomfortable. "But this is hard."
"Not hanging up on me?"
"No," Chris sniffed, turning his back to Justin. "Talking to you... knowing that you KNEW and never told me. I had to find out anonymously, Gracie... in a LETTER. JUSTIN didn't even tell me."
Justin's eyes blurred as he looked at Chris' back and he felt that same pang of guilt. He DID tell Chris. HE was the one who wrote the letter... but Chris didn't know that.
Feeling weak and too emotional to stay, he got up and practically meandered towards the door. He didn't feel well and thought that maybe it'd do him some good to catch some fresh air. Maybe he could even convince JC to tag along for company... or even for moral support. Besides, he needed to be with someone who hadn't been thrown into the middle of their little soap opera. The stress was starting to get to him.
When he reached the door, he turned around to look at Chris, who as still whispering something to Gracie through his cell phone. "Chris," he said, loud enough to get his friend's attention. "I'm gonna go out... and..." he trailed off.
Chris looked over at him for a second and gave a small nod, then immediately went back to his telephone conversation.
Justin exited once again, this time feeling somewhat better than the last, and when he walked toward JC's room, he actually had an inkling that everything just might turn out okay.
JC and Justin sat on the hotel's back steps, JC with his jacket and Justin with a fleece blanket, that he'd stolen from JC's suitcase, around him. JC peeked under his coat sleeve to get a look at his watch. "It's after ten," he announced. "Bus leaves in two hours."
"Midnight," Justin murmured, watching his breath come out in little puffs, and then dissolving into the air. He sighed as they got one last swirl in before they were entirely gone. "So much for Milwaukee."
JC echoed his sigh and Justin watched his breath rise. JC looked over at Justin thoughtfully as he opened his mouth to say something. "You know what I need?"
"What's that?" he wondered, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. "A drink." JC stood up. "C'mon. Let's go."
"I'm not old enough," Justin reminded him, but followed his friend back inside anyway. "Eighteen, remember?"
"Well, then you can order a Coke."
Justin frowned. "Gee, don't I feel like a grown up," he muttered sarcastically.
JC smiled back at him as they entered the bar/restaurant. "Then say you quit or something."
"I think they're gonna know that I'm not twenty-one..."
"Please, Justin, just sit with me? I sat with you outside, didn't I?"
"For ten minutes," Justin said bitterly, tucking the blanket under his arm and then sat it on his lap when they approached the bar and sat down on stools. "I wanted fresh air," he said, looking at some guys across the way from them who were lighting up cigarettes. "Not lung cancer."
Chapter 2
Identities
Chris {Fiction}
Justin {Fiction}
My Fiction
I'll Never Stop {Fiction}
Email me: irishgirl982@yahoo.com