Father and Daughter

Tearcyn was a thriving, very active 17 year old young lady who had her whole life planned already. She has wanted to be a nurse since her Great Grandmother; Louise had a stroke 10 years ago. My grandmother became blind because of her stroke and Tearcyn wanted to start doing research on blindness after strokes. Two weeks before her accident we had a discussion where she asked me if I could be deaf or blind which would I choose. I told her I would rather be deaf because I would rather see the people I loved and that I could handle not being able to hear them. Tearcyn replied in the same way and added that if she could she would give her eyes to her Granny so that she could see again. This conversation, and many previous others we had had, made our decision to donate easy. The only thing they could use was her beautiful brown eyes. We received a letter in late October letting us know that because of her donation that someone in New York and California can now see that have never seen before. I now know that she has us covered on both sides here in Missouri.

Tearcyn, as a junior, was already taking college courses in Nursing so that she could become a nurse soon after graduating in 2006. She worked 3 part time jobs, including an Alzheimer's Unit here at a local nursing home. She was a member of Skills USA VICA, Spanish Club, FCCLA, where she was Parliamentarian, FCA, Band and Volleyball. She was in the A+ program where she had already completed all the volunteer hours needed.

Tearcyn had lost several friends, 5 to be exact, ranging in age from 15 to 20 in car accidents. She and her boyfriend were heading to a rural railroad bridge where it was Tearcyn's idea to paint a dedication wall to all of those friends who have been killed. It is too ironic that because of her caring heart and soul that she is now on that wall. Shortly after the accident all of her friends got together to complete the wall in her memory.

I received a sympathy card from a couple that we do not know and in the gentlemen's own handwriting he wrote something that I have held onto in all of the chaos. It read, "Life has only questions, no answers!" This seems like such a simple statement but it holds so much meaning.

Our community has been very supportive since we have been here in Chillicothe since Tearcyn was a year and a half and had attended school here since she started school. We started a nursing scholarship in her memory called the "TLC Nursing Scholarship". It is to go to local students who plan on going into the nursing field as that is what she wanted so badly.> She used to tell me that one day Daddy and I would see her name in lights or big writing because she had so many plans for her future. I hated going and looking at the memorial bridge that her friends did for her, and her many other friends who had perished, memory. All I could see was her name in big letters and think of what she always told me. It is a beautiful tribute though from her many friends.

My Baby Birdie

Well, what do I say? I never thought I would be here to talk to you. My gosh, how I miss your smile and your laughter. Every time I go to the cemetery I just want to dig away all the dirt and crawl in there with you. I cannot describe to you how our hearts break. On the outside we look fine but on the inside there are a million shattered pieces.

It is so odd how Daddy and I always talked about you on our long trips and now there is just silence. We used to talk about you graduating, you becoming a nurse, getting married and having a baby. Now all I hear are train whistles and I wonder if they are bringing you back to us.

I never thought this would happen to us. I thought the worse was over. My Goodness how I was wrong. I wonder if I could have done anything to change that night. I think about you and wonder if you saw everything happening and wondered if you were going to be okay and we would be mad at you for being on that gravel road when we always told you not to be on gravel roads. I wonder if you called out for me thinking that I could make everything okay if I was just there holding you in my arms. Did you have time to think, "Oh Mommy, please hold me and make everything better like you did when I was little?" My gosh, sometimes the questions drive me crazy and I don't sleep for days. Or weeks. I wonder if I will ever sleep again. Did you even have time to think of us at all or did you just go away? My precious, precious angel I love you so much. I waited so long to have you and to have you taken away is almost more than I can bare. Please give me some hope that I will see you again.

It is very hard to explain how I feel at any given moment. Tearcyn had this paper that had all these sayings on it that she loved to live by. Two of her favorites were as follows:

1) "When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. Don't count the years, count the memories..."

2) "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away!"

I believe that Birdie was trying her best to prepare me for what was coming. I believe she knew and accepted the fact with open arms. She was fully prepared to meet her heavenly host and I know that she was never ashamed of who she was and what she stood for. I know she loved life and she loved family and friends and she treasured every moment she spent here with us all.

It is just so hard to not have her smiling, bubbly personality in our home. She brightened any room she walked into just because you could feel the energy coming from her. She absolutely radiated LIFE!!! I miss her, "Mommy, I love you more" when I would say, "I love you Birdie." I miss her bony wrists digging into my shoulder blade when she would hug me. I miss absolutely everything about her. I miss our game nights when we would play every game under the roof as long as we were done in time to watch "ER" on Thursday nights. I still cannot watch "ER" to this day. It is just too painful. I loved my daughter so much and I know she is in a wonderful, beautiful place but my life has ceased except for the fact that I still breathe.

I love you sunshine. "MORE!!!"

I want nothing more than to see you again and catch up and do our crazy little faces again. I miss your EVERYTHING!!!!

YOU TOOK OUR SMILE

WE HAD YOU HERE FOR ONLY A WHILE,
WHEN YOU LEFT YOU TOOK OUR SMILE.
THE SMILE YOU SEE IS AS FAKE AS I,
ALIVE ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT MY SOUL WANTS TO DIE.
I COME HOME AT NIGHT AND CRY OUT LOUD,
I LAUGH; I SMILE BUT ONLY IN A CROWD.
I TAKE A BREATH AND WISH I HADN’T,
THIS HASN’T REALLY HAPPENED. HAS IT?
YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUR VOICE, YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE,
IMAGES OF YOU SMALL AND LAUGHING, I CAN’T ERASE.
I WAKE AT NIGHT AND CAN SMELL YOUR HAIR,
OH GOD, MY ANGEL, IS NO LONGER THERE.
I THINK I CAN MAKE IT ONE DAY, BUT NOT,
THINGS LEFT UNSAID, BUT NOT FORGOT.
I REMEMBER YOUR LONG, BEAUTIFUL ARMS,
I KNOW NOW I FAILED AT KEEPING YOU FROM HARM.
I GO TO YOUR ROOM AND CAN STILL SMELL YOU THERE,
ON YOUR BATHROOM FLOOR I STILL FIND YOUR HAIR.
I HAVE CLEANED IT AND CLEANED IT TIME AND AGAIN,
BUT I FIND A STRAND EVERYWHERE YOU HAVE BEEN.
I HAVE COLLECTED THEM ALL TOGETHER IN A BOX,
THEY REMIND ME OF THE FIRST CURLY GOLDEN, LOCKS.
ALL SAFE IN A BOX AND STORED IN THE CEDAR CHEST,
GOD WHY DID YOU NEED TO PUT US TO THIS TEST?
I NOW WALK AROUND WHAT WAS ONCE OUR HOME,
ALL I FEEL IS PAIN. WITHOUT YOU I AM SO ALONE.
I WANT NOTHING, YET WANT TO BE RID OF EVERYTHING HERE,
OH, JUST TO HOLD YOU ONCE MORE AND KEEP YOU SO NEAR.
I GO TO THE STORE BUT CANNOT MAKE IT THROUGH,
I JUST WANT TO DIE FOR I CANNOT MAKE IT WITHOUT YOU.
YOU TOUCHED MY SOUL AND GAVE ME SUCH LAUGHTER,
I DON’T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS FROM HERE EVER AFTER.
YOUR DADDY HAS CHANGED AND HE SEEMS SO ALONE,
HE HAD WORKED SO HARD TO PROVIDE YOU A GOOD HOME.
HE NOW FEELS AT A LOSS FOR WHAT IT WAS ALL FOR,
WHEN HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
HE WORKS AND HE BREATHES BUT HIS EYES SHOW HIS PAIN,
HIS SPIRIT HAS BEEN BROKEN, HE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
HE HAS CRIED OUT AT NIGHT WHEN HE THOUGHT I COULDN’T HEAR,
HE ASKS FOR HIS BABY THAT HE WANTS TO HOLD NEAR.
I FEEL SO ALONE AND LOST IN THIS PLACE,
I LOOK ALL AROUND AND CAN STILL SEE YOUR FACE.
YOUR TOUCH, YOUR SMILE, YOUR ANGELIC VOICE,
WHEN YOU WERE TAKEN WE WERE GIVEN NO CHOICE.
THE ACCIDENT THAT TOOK YOU SEEMS SO BRUTAL,
ANY CHANCE AT HAPPINESS NOW SEEMS SO FUTILE.
WITHOUT YOU HERE TO KEEP ME ALIVE,
I DON’T WANT TO GO ON, I DON’T WANT TO SURVIVE.
I REPLAY IN MY MIND YOUR LAST WORDS TO ME,
"I LOVE YOU MOMMY, I’LL BE HOME AT 8:30."
I PUT OFF THAT NIGHT GOING TO THE STORE,
I STILL HEAR THE PHONE CALL THAT STARTED OUR HORROR.
I’VE BEEN TOLD YOUR LAST WORDS WERE "OH, BABY, BABY,"
THEY SAY IT WAS INSTANT, BUT THERE WAS A CHANCE, JUST MAYBE.
I CANNOT CLOSE MY EYES WITHOUT THINKING OF YOU,
MY HEART AND MY MIND WON’T LET ME SEE THROUGH.
MY BODY FEELS NUMB BUT I STILL WALK AND BREATHE,
MY INSIDES ARE TURNING LIKE THE LEAVES ON THE TREES.
I WONDER A LOT IF I AM WORTHY OF HEAVEN,
I JUST WANT TO DIE; OH GOD PLEASE LET ME IN.
I TRY TO BE CAREFUL OF THOSE AROUND ME,
I KNOW THEY DON’T FEEL OR SEE WHAT I SEE.
I SEE A MOTHER, A GRANDMA, AND CHILDREN OF FRIENDS,
I WONDER WILL MY PAIN EVER END.
I REALIZE NOW GOD GAVE US A REASON,
TO LIVE EACH DAY AS ACCORDING TO SEASON.
HE GAVE YOU TO US FOR ONLY A WHILE,
BUT WHEN YOU LEFT, YOU TOOK OUR SMILE.

I LOVE YOU MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS BABY. I KNOW THAT YOUR LIFE TOUCHED MANY MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED AND EVERYONE IS SUFFERING THEIR OWN PERSONAL LOSS. I CANNOT STAND ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU IN IT AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GO ON WITHOUT YOU. TEARCYN, YOU WERE EVERYTHING TO ME AND WHEN YOU LEFT YOU TRULY TOOK MY SOUL. I BECAME A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF YOU IN MY LIFE. WITHOUT YOU I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS AND I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME SIGNS OF HOPE THAT YOU ARE OKAY AND THAT I CAN SEE YOU SOON MY PRECIOUS BABY.

LOVE, MOMMY 6 DECEMBER 2004

Our beautiful daughter Tearcyn Lei'Chele was killed in an auto accident on September 29, 2004. She was a passenger in her boyfriend's truck and they were hit at an unmarked train crossing on her side. Her boyfriend did survive and for that we are thankful. The train crossing is at one of the worst sights in Missouri. It is absolutely a horrible crossing. Yes, we are trying to change all of that.

I still replay the phone call that started it all and hearing Aaron's voice saying, "Mama Cheryl come quick. We've been hit by a train and it doesn't look good!" This is all I hear every night when I lay down my head. Every morning when I get up and everytime there is a moment of silence around me. I just replay it constantly and wish for different words.

The ironic thing is this. Everytime we heard an ambulance or sirens we would call Birdie if she was out. She would always answer by saying, "No Mommy, it's not me. I am okay." That day we bought her a new bedroom set and she wanted to go out instead of put it all in her room and change things around. She came to see me at work to ask if she could, which she usually just called me. She had worked 3 days straight and she could go out on school nights until 8:30 p.m. I told her it was okay as long as Daddy didn't mind. Daddy said okay and off they went. I usually put my "grubies" on, comfy clothes, as soon as I get home but this night I didn't. Something was different and wrong. I could feel it in my bones. I had been grouchy to Tony and was just on edge for no apparent reason. When I had finally put off too long going to the store and grabbed my purse around 6:20 to leave I heard sirens. (The accident was only approximately 4 miles from our house. Rural town of 9,000.) I immediately called Tearcyn's cell phone and didn't get an answer. As soon as I grabbed my cell phone to call her again as I was running to the door the home phone rang. That is when I heard Aaron's voice and knew and just instantly fell to the floor.

Tony was outside mowing and I just ran to him barefoot and told him to come with me and what had happened. We left everything running and open and took off to the sight of the accident because we knew right where Aaron was talking about. When we got there they already had Tearcyn in the ambulance and I had been telling Tony on the way there that he might as well slow down because I already knew she was gone.

They say that Tearcyn was killed instantly from her head slamming into the passenger window when the train struck the rear of the truck on the passenger's side. I have to pray that this is true and that she never suffered or had time to think of what was about to happen to them. If she had time to think I know that she would have been thinking about Aaron and not herself. That was the kind of person she was. Aaron came to the house after the funeral and Daddy, Aaron and I talked about it. He said they were driving along and all of the sudden Tearcyn screamed, "Oh, Baby, Baby." This is what she always called Aaron so I know that was who she was worried about. Never herself. Never selfish!

I had 3 miscarriages before I finally carried Birdie and she was truly my miracle. I loved her so much that it is very hard to breathe on many days without her in my life. What life? She was my life!

Here is another poem I wrote for Birdie. Well one more of many I have written over the years and since the accident. I wrote this on November 27, 2004, two months after her accident.

Angel On Loan

You were my angel,
My guardian Light,
My smile good morning,
My kiss goodnight.

Your angelic smile,
Your perfect arms,
We had you awhile,
But now you are gone.

It just won't sink in,
That you are really gone,
I miss your crooked grin,
And all our crazy songs.

Yes, you were ours,
But also your own,
A perfect example,
Of an Angel on loan.

I knew when I had you,
That my life would change,
I miss you so much,
I am in so much pain.

I know you are in Heaven,
With God by your side,
You are watching over us,
My heavenly guide.

Tearcyn Lei'Chele,

I want you to know that I love you now and I loved you from the moment I felt you stir inside me. You were such a beautiful person so I know you are the perfect Angel. I want you to know that someday soon I will see you again and I can't wait to catch up and feel your perfect long, loving arms around me again. I love you sunshine.

Love, Mom and Dad