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Dealing with the consequences sequel to The consequences of ones actions Warning: None really this time, reflective work. With a sigh, Xander sat on the hard wooden bench. Face buried in his large hands, he took in the pure quietness of his surroundings. Nothing could be heard from the bustling life outside of his sancutary. None of the childrens laughter drifted inside to reach his ears nor did was he able to smell the heady scent of the just blossoming gardenia. A hand taken from his face, he rubbed his fingers through his thick hair. Sweeping his unruly hair back from his forehead a few times, the tall brunette rose from the uncomfortable perch. A few paces foward and he was standing infront of the numerous rows of unlit candles. Taking one, he held the slim white taper out to the larger continually lit candle. Candle placed back in its place along the second row, the male turned his back on the side altar, walking slowly down the worn red carpet of the church. He had never been to church before the incident with Spike in the crypt. Xander liked the quietness, something that he knew the others would find hard to believe. The brunette still wasn't sure why he had ended up sobbing in the confession box later on that day, one of the priests taking pity on him when he had proved to be inarticulate in explaining his presence. A round of coffee and biscuits and he had disappointed Father Ewan with his refusal to elaborate on his confession of having done something really wrong. He had promised Spike. Xander wasn't allowed to tell anybody. Not Willow, his best friend and childhood confidant, not a helpful priest and an anonymous phonecall to 1800-I confess was out of the question. He couldn't break a promise to someone he had raped and then murdered. The brunette might not have staked the vampire but he did drive the blond to his second death and as far as Xander was concerned, it was as if he had held Spike down in the sunlight himself. After a talk with Father Ewan, he had made a few trips back to St.Mary's before they had become nightly, each time lighting a taper for the blond. He had asked the priest why people lit the tiny candles. Xander hadn't really understood the explaination but oddly enough, he had lit one for Spike on his next visit. It was something that had turned into routine, the brunette lighting a candle and then sitting in the second row until it burnt out. Two months. In that time he had broken up with Anya, unable to penetrate her with out images of Spike flashing before his eyes. It hadn't really been his descion, the ex-demon had made it for him when he had once again lost his erection. Giles had barred him from his house after catching Xander ripping pages from his invaluable books on vampires. The ex-watcher had been beyond angry with Xander's explaination. All the brunette had done was try and rid the books of the myths Spike had told him about. Buffy no longer wanted him to patrol after he had made it very clear that he would'nt be staking any vampires again. Willow had cottoned on to the fact he was keeping a secret very early, she too eventually wanting nothing to do with him when he refused to explain his actions to the rest of the group. He had eventually stopped taking her calls after she continued to demand what was wrong with him, the red head getting angry with him over his self isolation. If he explained his actions, then Spikes secret would be out. The thing was, it wasn't just the vampires secret, it was his as well. It was no-one elses business but their own. No-one would understand, he wasn't sure that he did either. With nowhere to go each night after work except back to an empty apartment, Xander had taken to coming straight to St. Mary's. Just content to watch the taper burn out and sit until his stomach started rumbling, signalling that it was time to go home. Each night, instead of going to the Magic Box to see if he was needed, it was straight to the church. The only night he had broken the emerging routine was when he had recieved a bonus paypacket. He had gone to one of the only two tattoo palours in Sunnydale. One that was experienced in dealing with odd requests from it's usual demon clientele. Xander had sat on the barely padded bench, teeth gritted as he waited for the burning sensation to be over. Shirt off, he had stared into the mirror being held up by the artist. The brunette had taken in the black and red artwork emblazoned just over his heart. The two letters intertwined with each other, a few drops of red still rolling down his chest. With a nod, he had paid the requested amount, careful to keep the tattoo clean and moisturised every day. S and W. He had effectively murdered both Spike and the human he had once been after raping the pale form. The demon residing in the vampires body had really taken over for William once he had been turned but Xander had still destroyed the body the soul had been hosted in. So with that in mind, he had gotten the two letters done in black with a few drops of blood dripping off them as a nod to Spikes best known nickname, William the Bloody. It was an odd comfort to know that as long as he lived, he would always carry the memory of the bleached vampire around with him. Spike hadn't marked him physically, he was of course unable to after the Iniative. So Xander had done it on the vampires behalf. Spike hadn't marked him physically but he had marked Xander's soul. A mark that would never come off no matter what the brunette tried to do. He would never be able to get himself absolved of his sin. Xander was a murderer and a rapist and not even God would forgive him of that. How could God forgive him when Xander didn't believe in him? He wanted to tell Father Ewan just why he couldn't confess each time the priest offered him absolution but to even give an explaination would give away his secret. He wasn't allowed to. He had promised Spike. the end. |
