Though this story is mostly autobiographical, some details were changed, and not just the obvious ones. For one thing, my children and parents were with me for much of my journey, as well as other family members and friends. I thought the story would be simpler if the Queen made her journey accompanied only by her King. But there really was a nurse named Autumn, and the dreams I describe were real. And I really did see a falling star from the hospital window. Having a hysterectomy was a difficult decision, but it was the right one for me. This little fantasy made it easier.
Once upon a time, in a very small kingdom not so far away, lived a Queen and her King and their two children. The Prince and the Princess were grown, and the Queen and the King hoped to have grandchildren someday.
One day, as the King and the Queen were walking in their garden, the Queen said, "My dear, I have been worried. Something very strange is happening to me. My belly is swelling as though I were carrying a child, and yet I still have my monthly courses."
The King said, "We must consult the Royal Wizard at once! Come, my dear." Carefully, tenderly he led her into the castle. There he said to the Chamberlain, "Summon the Royal Wizard!"
Soon the Royal Wizard appeared in a puff of blue smoke.
"I wish she wouldn't do that," the King muttered. "It makes me nervous."
The Royal Wizard was a stout little woman with a crown of black braids and a strange glitter in her eye. "Well?" she said.
The Queen swallowed. To tell the truth, the Royal Wizard made her nervous too. "It feels as though a baby were growing inside me, but I still have my monthly courses, more copious than ever."
"Lie down on your bed," said the Royal Wizard, "and I will examine you."
She ran her hands over the Queen's belly, while the King stood anxiously by. "It could be a Goblin child, or perhaps a Dragon baby," said the Royal Wizard. "Hope that it is a Goblin, for a Dragon will consume you. If it is a Dragon baby, you must have it cut out of you at once."
The Queen and King paled. "Nonsense!" sputtered the King. "My dear wife would never consort with Goblins, let alone Dragons."
"Certainly not!" said the Queen.
The Royal Physician curled her lip. "You do not know what you are talking about. These creatures are not conceived by consorting."
"Then how?" demanded the Queen.
The Royal Wizard smiled, a strange little secret smile, and shrugged her shoulders. "I will take a drop of blood form the creature, and study it in my laboratory, to see if it is a dragon you are carrying." She pulled a little silver wand from her sleeve. "You will feel some pain, but it will not be terrible. I hope you are brave."
The poor Queen didn't feel brave at all. "Might I first have some willow-bark tea?"
The Royal Wizard frowned. She snapped her fingers, and her chambermaid appeared at her side. "Fetch some willow-bark tea." The girl ran to fetch it, and the Royal Wizard stood drumming her fingers impatiently on the dressing table. The King took the Queen's hand.
When the Queen had drunk her tea, the Royal Wizard inserted the silver wand into the Queen's womb. The pain was not terrible, but it was pain, and the Queen gripped the King's hand.
The Royal Wizard withdrew the silver wand: a dark clot of blood clung to its tip.
"How soon will you know?" asked the Queen. The word "dragon" swam in her mind, but she could not bring herself to say it aloud.
The Royal Wizard smiled her enigmatic smile. "I will send you word."
* * * * * * * * * * *
The day passed slowly, and the next, and the next. The Queen and the King paced their chamber floor, waiting for word from the Royal Wizard.
At last the Queen could bear it no longer. She went to the Wizard Tower and knocked on the door. The little chambermaid came out. She curtseyed and said, "The Royal Wizard has determined what it is that you carry, Your Majesty."
"Well?" said the Queen eagerly.
The girl looked frightened. "She will not tell me--I am only a chambermaid. She herself must tell you."
"Then ask her to come out and tell me."
The chambermaid looked even more frightened. "She is very busy. She will call upon you today."
The Queen went away. She was angry and frightened, but she didn't want to anger the Royal Wizard by ordering her to come out; she might refuse to tell the Queen anything.
The Royal Wizard did not come out that day, nor the next.
"She's mad," The Queen said tearfully to the King that night. "I've always thought so, ever since the Prince was little, and she gave him a potion that made him sick on my sister's wedding day."
"We should have sent her packing then," said the King. "But a good Wizard is so hard to find. And has worked many spells to aid us through the years."
"It's my fault for engaging her," said the Queen. "We were girls together. But once this is over, I will send her packing."
A week passed and then two. Then the Queen and the king went together to the tower. Again the frightened chambermaid came out.
The Queen stood tall. "We command the Royal Wizard to come forth, and tell us what she knows."
The chambermaid sank to her knees. "I dare not let you in. She'll turn me into a crawly bug."
The King said, "I'll turn you into a prisoner in the dungeon if you disobey your Queen."
With a sob, the chambermaid opened the door.
The Royal Wizard saw them coming. She scurried about her round chamber, throwing her mysterious tools into a huge carpetbag.
"Stop!" said the Queen. "Why won't you tell me --"
With one last look of contempt, the Royal Wizard jumped into the carpetbag herself. It snapped shut over her, then lifted into the air. Like a darting swallow, it flew out the window and away over the distant mountains.
"Well!" said the King. "You were quite right, my dear. She was mad."
The Queen sighed. "We were girls together, and I thought she would be a good Wizard, and so she was. But I think she never forgave me for growing up to be Queen, when she was as clever as I was." She turned to the chambermaid. "Now tell me what you know."
"I don't know anything, Your Majesty. But look, she left the Royal Book of Records behind."
"So she should," the King said sternly. "That book belongs to us."
They hurried over to an enormous book that lay on the desk. The Queen turned the pages with trembling hands. On a huge white page, all by themselves, were these words: "The Queen's child is NOT a Dragon. I suspect she carries a Goblin child."
The King and Queen nearly fainted with relief. The King fanned the Queen with a stray paper from the dusty floor. "There, there, my dear. It's all right now. We don't know yet what a Goblin Child is like, but we know it's not a Dragon. Now we must find another Wizard, one who will answer our questions."
* * * * * * * * * * *
A week later, a tall slender man knocked on the castle gate. He wore a starry purple hat and robe; he was a Wizard, of course.
The Chamberlain ushered him into the throne room, where he presented the Queen and the King with his card. "Wandering Wizard," it said. "Specialty: Changelings, Goblins and Fairies."
"I saw the notices," he said, "that you are looking for a Wizard with a specialty in my field."
"Yes!" said the Queen. "Our last Royal Wizard --"
The Wizard held up his hand. "I do not aspire to be a Royal Wizard. I am a Wandering Wizard; I cannot stay. But if you would like my help, say the word."
The Queen told her story, and the Wandering Wizard listened as though it were an old familiar tale to him. "Ah, yes," he said, "I have delivered many a Goblin Child."
"Where do they come from?" said the King. "How are they conceived? The Royal Wizard would not tell us."
"That is because the Royal Wizard did not know. No one knows unless the Goblins do themselves, or their cousins the Fairies."
"And how," asked the Queen slowly, because she was afraid of the answer, "how is a Goblin Child delivered?"
"Not like a human child," said the Wandering Wizard. "Sometimes they die in the womb and trouble you no more, especially after your courses cease. Sometimes they remain small for years. But sometimes they grow large, like yours. There is no danger, as long as you are sure it is not a Dragon. But when the discomfort becomes too great, I can cast you into an enchanted sleep, and open your belly and take out the Goblin Child -- or Children. They often grow in litters like beasts. Then I can close your belly again. There is only one thing you should know."
"What is that?" asked the Queen.
"I will have to remove your womb as well."
The Queen stared at him. "I don't want you to do that!"
The Wandering Wizard smiled. "There is no need, unless your courses weaken you, or we suspect it is a dragon. But I have delivered many Goblin Children, and almost always it is because the woman summons me, saying she is weary of the burden. You have my card. If at any time you wish my services, tear the card in half and I will appear."
"What happens to the Goblin Child? I do not want to raise a Goblin!"
"Certainly not!" said the Wandering Wizard. "A Goblin is not a fit thing to have running loose in the house. I put them out into the forest. What happens after that, whether they perish or their kin come to claim them, Is out of my hands. Now tell me what the Royal Wizard did to be sure it is not a Dragon you carry."
The Queen told him. "She wrote in the Record Book that it was not a Dragon. But she was mad. What she wrote may not be true."
"Oh, I am sure it was true. But if it will comfort you, I can look at the results of her test."
The Queen hesitated. "Do you think you should repeat the test?"
She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or not when he dismissed the idea.
"No, just let me into her laboratory."
The Queen sent for the chambermaid, who led the Wandering Wizard away. When he returned, he said, "The drop of blood was still in the retort, labeled with your name. It had been burned in foxfire and was green as moss. If it had been dragon's blood, it would have glowed like molten gold. Be comforted."
The Queen wanted to be comforted, but doubt still shook her. "Is it possible that --" She stopped. Her questions was too foolish to ask aloud.
"What?" said the Wizard gently.
"That in her madness she mixed up the blood with a drop from some other woman?"
The Wandering Wizard patted her hand. It would have been impertinence coming from anyone but a Wizard. "I do not think it is possible. Put aside your fear. You have my card. If ever you wish me to deliver you of the Goblin Child, you have only to summon me. Tear the card in half, and I will appear."
* * * * * * * * *
Years passed. The Goblin Child grew, very slowly. The Queen did her best to forget about it. Maybe it would die of its own, and trouble her no more. Often she looked at the Wandering Wizard's card, in a silver box on her dressing table. But always she said, "No, not yet."
One night she dreamed that she was dancing in a long ballroom. At one end of the ballroom was a mysterious door. The queen opened the door, and found a closet, crawling with strange little monsters. They had round shells and many legs. She woke shivering with disgust.
A few days later the Queen's sister, who was the Queen of a neighboring kingdom, came to visit her. The Queen told her sister of her dream. "Why do I dream of monsters?"
Her sister patted her own belly. "Could it be your -- ?"
Of course! The closet was her own womb, and the monsters were the Goblin, or Goblins.
The Queen thought maybe she could kill the Goblin Child by the force her of her own will. Often throughout the next year she cast herself into a deep meditation. She dreamed of facing the closet with a sword in her hand as the monsters tumbled out of it. She swung the sword and they popped like bubbles, until the closet was clean and empty.
But her dreaming swordplay had no effect. Still the Goblin Child grew within her. It began to take her strength. The Queen grew weak and listless. She thought desperately of the closet, imagining it free of monsters. She did not want to lose her womb, if there was a chance it could be healed.
* * * * * * * * *
At last the Queen thought of someone who could help her. Her Godmother, who was a Fairy, was also a midwife. In her youth, the Queen had called upon her to deliver her two children. She felt foolish now, a woman old enough to be a grandmother, calling on a Fairy Midwife. But she reasoned that a Fairy should know even more about Goblins than a Wizard did. So one moonlit night she wrapped herself in a cloak, took a dark lantern, and walked all alone to the dark forest north of the castle.
In a clearing stood the deserted cabin where she and her sister had gown up; they had not always been Queens. Beside the cabin stood a hollow willow tree. The Queen set her lantern down beside it. With a golden penknife, she cut a lock of her long hair, ebony shot with silver. She dropped the lock into the hollow of the trunk.
"Sweet Fairy Midwife, come to my aid. My need is great, my fee is paid. The child within me presses me sore: Come aid me with your Fairy lore."
She sat back and waited.
A point of light, like a tiny star, glowed in the depths of the hollow trunk. It became brighter, and grew larger. When it was the size of a firefly, the Queen could see that it was a tiny Fairy woman. The Fairy grew until she was the size of the Queen herself. She stepped out into the moonlight, glowing with a faint starry sheen.
The Fairy Midwife seemed to be a slender woman with silver hair and wide dark eyes. She wore a robe that sparkled like moonlight on the sea. Around her throat was a woven necklace of carven ebony shot with silver. "Well, my child, I'm surprised to hear you call on me, after so many years."
"It's not a baby this time," the Queen said sheepishly. "The Wizards say it is a Goblin Child."
The Fairy Midwife gave her a sharp look. "A Goblin Child? Are they sure?"
The Queen told her about the drop of blood turning mossy green in the retort. "But I think the Royal Wizard was mad. I'm not entirely sure the blood was from my own womb."
"Lie down," said the Fairy Midwife, "here in the moonlight. We can look at it." She took out a wand with a crystal globe on the end of it, and ran the globe over the Queen's belly.
The globe began to glow. As the Queen looked down at it, she saw something inside it, a strange sphere with indentations running down its sides, like a peeled orange. It was almost beautiful in a weird way.
"Ah," said the Fairy Midwife. "There it is, your Goblin Child."
"That?" said the Queen. "It looks like an orange, or a flower."
The Fairy Midwife laughed. "A Goblin Child curls up in the womb even more tightly than a human child. They curl up like little hedgehogs and wrap their huge ears around themselves."
The Queen looked at the funny little Goblin, all curled up in its ears. She felt an unexpected tenderness. "It can only be born if I give up my womb?"
The Fairy Midwife nodded. "I'm afraid so. Sometimes, if they are very small, Goblins can be cut from the womb, leaving it to heal. But even then there are often more tiny Goblins growing there that we can't see. But this one is huge. It will not go away of its own, and it can't be born without taking your womb with it."
"Are Goblins good or evil?" said the Queen, still looking at the creature in the globe. "If I let it be born, will it trouble my people?"
The Fairy Midwife shrugged. "A Goblin is wild, like an animal or a Fairy, or like a Human, for that matter. Not good or evil, but somewhere in between. What this one may grow to be, I cannot say."
The Queen bowed her head. "I need more time to consider. If I choose to let the Goblin Child be born, can you deliver it?"
"No," said the Fairy Midwife. "That is beyond my skill. But my friend the Fairy Wizard can do it. She is more skilled than any human Wizard. Consider, my dear, and call on me when you are ready."
* * * * * * * * *
Another year went by. The Queen grew weaker, and the Goblin Child continued to grow. At last she could bear it no longer. She returned to the moonlit clearing, and this time the King came with her.
"Sweet Fairy Midwife, come to my aid. My need is great, my fee is paid. The child within me presses me sore: Come aid me with your Fairy lore."
Again the star appeared in the hollow tree trunk and grew into the Fairy Midwife. "Are you ready now?"
"Yes," said the Queen in a weak voice.
"You must come into the tree. I will make you small."
"May the King come with me?"
"For part of the journey. But part you will have to make alone."
As the Queen and the King walked toward the tree, hand-in-hand, the hollow seemed to grow larger and larger until it arched up over them like the gate of a great cathedral.
They found themselves in a starlit landscape of mountains and waterfalls and deep wooded valleys. Silvery bits of mist wove among the mountaintops, and strange night birds sang in the trees.
The Fairy Midwife pointed to a shadowy castle on a distant mountain. "That is the castle of the Fairy Wizard. That is where you must go."
"Will you come with us?" pleaded the Queen.
"I cannot, for I have much work to do. But I will meet you there. The Fairy Wizard is expecting you."
"But I am so weary. How can I walk so far?"
The Fairy Midwife embraced her. "The walking will make your limbs strong. Strong limbs will help you recover from the birth. Be brave, my child." She shrank to a glowing star, and darted away like a firefly.
The Queen and the King walked until the sun rose and sent a rainbow arching through the mist, above a mountain lake. They walked for days through the fairyland, resting often, for the Queen was weary. She felt as though she were drowning, as though the air here were too thin for her lungs. The King did not seem to feel it. He looked at her with worried eyes and held her hand as they toiled up the mountainside.
At last they came to the castle high on the mountain. Towers of red stone rose above their heads. Silvery lamps shone in the many windows, though it was a sunny afternoon.
The great front gate stood open, and the Fairy Wizard was there to meet them. She looked younger than the Fairy Midwife, but with Fairies, one can never tell. Her hair was dark under her tall silvery Wizard hat, and her eyes were bright. "Welcome," she said, smiling. "Now take your leave of the King, for he must wait here for you. He will come to you when you awaken."
The Queen clung to the king as he embraced her. Despite her effort to be brave, tears ran down her face. What if she should never awaken? What if this were the final farewell?
The King kissed her tenderly and let her go. He sat in a soft chair in the hall as a troupe of Fairies led the Queen away. As she looked back over her shoulder, she was surprised to see her children and her parents sitting beside the King, smiling at her.
Then the door closed behind her. The Queen's surprise grew. She must be in a room of the castle, and yet it seemed to her that she stood in a mountain meadow filled with flowers. Tall purple peaks rose all around her into a deep blue sky.
The Fairy Wizard made the Queen lie down in the meadow and spread her arms wide in the flowers. The Queen felt a gentle sleep come over her.
* * * * * * * * * *
When the Queen awoke, she lay in a big bed in a lovely room with a large window overlooking the mountains west of the castle. At least she supposed she was in the castle; the room was open to the sky above, which was purple with twilight. The King stood smiling at her side. Behind him were their children and her parents.
The Fairy Wizard was nowhere to be seen. But soon a door opened and a young Fairy entered. "My name is Autumn," she said, "and I will stay with you tonight. The Fairy Wizard will see you in the morning, and the Fairy Midwife will come to visit you as well."
"Where is the Goblin Child?" asked the Queen. She could feel a burning in her belly where the Fairy Wizard had cut her open, though the wound was bandaged and healing now. But the drowning feeling which had tormented her was gone; she filled her lungs with the rich, clean air.
Autumn looked at her sadly. "The Goblins took it away. A human mother cannot raise a Goblin child."
"I know," said the Queen with a sigh. "I only hoped I might see it once."
"Maybe you will," said Autumn. "Someday in the woods it may peek at you round a tree or a stone. In the meantime, the Goblins left an effigy for you, as a token of their thanks."
"An effigy?" said the Queen
"A Goblin Doll," said Autumn. She pulled a floppy little doll from her pocket. It was made of mossy green velvet, with huge velvety ears, a funny long nose, and bright black eyes. The Queen held it to her heart and was comforted.
Her family left her, going to sleep elsewhere in the castle. The Queen lay awake in the twilight, and Autumn sat beside her. A crescent moon shone in at the window. One by one stars glimmered in the sky above her.
One white star streaked across the sky, leaving a long trail of light behind it. Down, down it fell, right into the room where the Queen lay. She felt a tingling in her belly, and the room was dark again.
"Did you make a wish?" said Autumn softly.
"My wish has already come true," said the Queen. "The Goblin Child is safely delivered at last, and I am alive and well."
* * * * * * * * * *
She fell asleep, and fell into dreaming. She dreamed she stood once more in the long ballroom, but this time it had been ruined in some disaster. The walls and floor gaped open, and splintered boards lined the holes. The door where the closet had been was torn away, and in place of the closet was a broken stairway. The Queen looked down into darkness.
In the darkness a light began to glow, a white star like a jewel. She wanted to touch it, but the stairs were gone. With quiet determination, she began to rebuild them. The closet itself was gone forever, but the Star could shine in its place, if she could only reach it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
In the morning the Fairy Wizard came to see her. The Queen showed her the funny little velvet effigy, with its long nose and huge floppy ears.
The Fairy Wizard smiled. "Yes, the Goblin Child looked just like that, only much larger. It was red at first, but turned mossy green once it began breathing. It was so happy to be born. The Goblins were grateful to you for sacrificing your womb to give them a child. I believe they have sent you another gift as well."
"Another gift? Do you mean the Star that fell from the sky last night? It seemed to go right into me. What did it mean?"
"The Fairy Midwife will explain it to you. Now tell me, are you in pain? How are you feeling?"
"I have a little pain," said the Queen, "but it is healing. Already I feel better than I have in years. Thank you for helping me."
The Fairy Wizard patted her hand, as though the Queen were a little girl. "Thank you for helping the Goblin folk. I think their gratitude will bless you."
Later that day the Fairy Midwife came to see the Queen. "Tomorrow I will come to take you and your family home."
"I don't think I can walk so far," said the Queen, remembering the grueling journey she had made.
The Fairy Midwife laughed. "You will not have to walk. Now that you have the Star Womb, I will be able to transport you and your family back to the clearing instantly. They will have to take you home from there."
"The Star Womb?" said the Queen, wondering. "What is that? Is it the star that fell from the sky last night?"
The Fairy Midwife nodded. "A gift from the Goblins and their cousins the Fairies. You will not feel it until you heal, but already it is filling you with light. You will be fertile and creative, bring forth not children but gifts of the spirit. You will be a blessing to your kingdom."
* * * * * * * * * * *
It happened even as the Fairy Midwife had said. The Queen and her family were transported back to the clearing beside the hollow tree, where a carriage waited to take them back to their castle.
As the Queen's body healed, the Star within her filled her with light and joy. One day, many months later, about Christmas time, she sat by the window, looking out over the sparkling snow and humming a new carol she had composed. Suddenly a face popped up over the snowy windowsill. It grinned at her, a funny green face with a long nose, big floppy ears, and two bright, black eyes.
She stopped singing and blew it a kiss. The Goblin Child blew a kiss back, then dropped to the ground and scrambled away through the falling snow.
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