______________________________________________________ REALIZATIONS
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Note: Some of these will be Hanson related, some won't. If you care, get over it. :) Oh, and if I borrow these from somewhere, I will credit the author, otherwise, they're written by me.
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5-01-01:Well, it finally happened. A friend of mine died. She actually died Easter Sunday, but I'm just now getting around to being able to talk about it. Her name was Amber Robinson, and she went to my school. She was in the same theatre class as I was last year. My friend Mitchell that passed away last year was in that class too. It kind of freaked me out. Her funeral was so beautiful and I realized something (duh, or I wouldn't be writing in here), the only time you understand how much people loved someone, is when they die. I mean, they spend thousands of dollars on flowers, a beautiful casket, a plot to bury you in, a grave stone, pay the funeral home for the hurst and stuff...its so sad. Its always sad when someone dies, and it hit me really hard when I was finally at the funeral. It was my first ever. I was scared, cause being in a room with a dead body of someone you knew is really freaky. I was fine until they opened the casket, then I ran out crying really hard. It felt good to mourn her though. So, when you die, people will make it something beautiful, and make a connection with their souls. You never realize what you have until its gone. Luckily she was a donor, and saved four people's lives with her organs. One was her second cousin. And its cool because she saved four people, and those people may one day save someone from something, and that would bump it up to eight, then those people would save someone, and so on and so forth. So by one person dying, 400 are saved. Not to mention the other people that do the same thing. God always has a plan, even in times of severe tragedy. What was twice as tragic though, is that the weekend exactly after that, another kid from our school died as well. He was in a car crash and died. His name was Shaun Hepler. It was a sad two weeks for the kids that attend my school. Please pray that their families are being taken care of, and that their souls are in the right place.
4-05-01:Sorry guys, I know I've been slacking a lot! But school and work have kept me on my toes, and I met a guy...who is great...and I'm graduating in 6 wks and have to start planning for my party...Oh the life of a senior. I only have one realization today, and that is: Being 18 not only makes you crazy, outgoing, and totally someone you're not use to being, but it also makes you stronger. I have learned more about myself in the last 3 months, than I have the 18 yrs and 3 months I've been living. Friends are so important, don't forget that!
2-18-01: I met Hanson a year ago today. It is so amazing! I cannot even close to describe how weird that sounds. It really feels like I met them only a month ago!
2-10-01: Dances suck. I forgot how much I hated them until I was actually at the one tonight. I had a great dress, great hair, and great esteem. I was up for "most creative" of the senior class, and my good friend overheard my crush say he was coming alone. Well, seems he got a last minute date. Then I lost to the most unworthy opponent, and to top the night off, I didn't have enough gas to get anywhere. I feel like such a fuckin loser.
1-28-01: Know what I've noticed? Personally, I stopped caring about birthdays after 13. Cause when you're 13, its your first teen year, and you just don't give a crap anymore. See, after 12, birthdays are all the same...they are all important (up until 18 that is). It goes like this:
13 - first teen year
14 - on top of the school as an 8th grader
15 - first year as a high schooler
16 - you can legally drive
17 - you see rated R movies by yourself and can be charged as an adult
18 - you are an adult (vote, go to clubs, you can buy: cigarettes, dirty magazines, and lotto tickets)
But even though they're all important, for six years, every birthday feels exactly as the last did...and when you get to 18, ya just don't care anymore. I don't feel 18, I don't look 18, but I went to an 18 and up club, so I must be 18.
1-19-01: Hmm...my friend is in trouble. She may be charged for "guilt by association" which shes not even guilty for! See, she works at a convienient store that got held up. The armed robber just happens to be her ex-boyfriend (whom she hates so terribly). But the cops seem to think she opened the safe for him previous to his entry. I know her better than those damn cops...and I know she didn't do it! Sure, she's not always the most honest person in the world, but she's not THAT stupid. So, right now, I'm thinking our judicial system is going to suck ass if they convict her. You guys keep your fingers crossed! Thanks!
1-16-01: Well, hot diggity damn! TAYLOR HAS A GIRLFRIEND! YEP! Man, I am so EXCITED! They are finally admiting they are REGULAR TEENAGE GUYS and THEY DATE! I feel sorry for any previous girlfriends, cause they got NO FAME! Anyway, I'm really excited about this...this is so awesome! Taylor has a girlfriend, Isaac has a girlfriend...maybe soon Zac will be on the prowl for "THAT GIRL!" Remember, if they're happy, good music will be created. SO BE HAPPY FOR THEM!!!! For some reason I think some of you think I'm lying, soooooo....Don't believe me? WELL, go here then ====> NICK.COM CHAT <==== then click on "Check out this interview with HANSON" and you shall see the light.
1-10-01: I don't know if any of you caught it, but "Anatomy of a Hate Crime: The Matthew Sheppard Story" on MTV was absolutely touching. It was extremely sad, dramatic, and I didn't cry until the very last line, but I cried hard. In fact, I'm crying now, watching the after show for it. I have gay/lesbian friends and the fact that someone actually acted on their hate for someone like that...it just terrifies me. That boy is dead because of someone else's hate. No one deserves to die, not for innocence.
1-10-01: Has anyone told you that long distance friendships don't work? Well, they can. I'm in one. I've moved around a lot my whole life, and I never keep in contact with the friends I leave. We write each other one or two letters, maybe a phone call, then that's it. And a couple years ago, when Jenny (the one that was my co-webmistress at our old page) moved, I thought it would be the same way. I thought it would be a sort of dwindling friendship, but I was wrong. Luckily, we have kept in contact for the last couple years. I am so grateful that we have survived a rocky friendship, and that we have overcome so many obstacles together (mainly challenging ourselves not to kill one another when fighting), and that we are now much older, more mature, and much better friends. I just wanted to say "thank you" to Jenny. {Of course, I have many friends that I love...and Lori, Misty...I'll be inspired by each of you very soon. I'm planning to write you all little letters like this (so don't feel left out, I love you all. Its just that you guys don't live aprx. 300 miles away. You each live ten from me, but I still love you, and you still get a nice little thing like this! - LOVE YOU GUYS!)}
1-8-01: Please heed this warning: The next paragraph is something I am very passionate about and its a very versitile topic. It is one of those extreme topics, and my views on it are very strong. Please keep in mind that these are, in fact, totally my views, and if you disagree with them, I understand. My opinion of this subject comes from my morals and what I've been taught my whole life, so if you become offended easily, please do not read on. Everyone is entitled their own opinion, and diving into this subject will be the subject of my regret, but I just cannot hold it in. Read on if you are mature enough to handle the topic of abortion.
2 years ago, a friend of mine had an abortion. I was informed of this at the beginning of this school year, so there wasn't much I could do about it. I was SO mad at my friend for not telling me, but, as I said, it was waaaaaaaay out of my hands and yelling at her would have done no good.
Just recently I found out another girl I knew is pregnant. Then today I was told she had an abortion on Friday. It pissed me off so bad. Yes, I understand that she is only 17, yes I understand that it would be hard to deal with, but people, for HEAVENS SAKE, take responsibility! Even if she had that baby just to give it up for adoption! I know that would be hard, I'm not completely cold hearted. But she has created, then thoroughly destroyed an innocent life. I'm not blaming this all on her either. There was definitely two parts to this, but it was her body, and her decision to get the abortion. There are people in this world (one couple whom I know) that had tried so hard to have a baby, or physically couldn't, and that wanted one so bad. Adoption was the only way that they could have a child, and the people I know haven't regretted it since! A life is so precious! And if you are going to have sex, you are going to take responsibility for your actions! If you get pregnant from unprotected sex, look into adoption! It is so unfair to that unborn child. I am so passionate about this that I think a mother whom has had an abortion should be stoned to death! And saying this may ruin the very best friendship I have, but I cannot hold back the strong emotions! If she has sex, she gets pregnant, then she should be FORCED to go 9 months carrying that child around...sort of as punishment, but mostly so that a precious life is not destroyed.
Please do not think that I am close-minded. I am specifically against this girl's motives to having an abortion. I know that there are reasons (incest, rape...) that it would be better to have an abortion...and I still don't like the idea, but it's a better excuse than "Sorry, I'm irresponsible and had unprotected sex. I am not able to support or will not take care of this child, so please remove it from my body". I think that, unless under SPECIFIC circumstances, you should not be allowed to have an abortion if you are under 21. If you have proof of incest, rape, or it will literally kill you to birth that child, then an abortion may take place in the first 2 months of pregnancy. Otherwise, you are, literally, screwed, and will be forced to have the child. If need be, it will be placed into the care of an adoption center and maybe you will think twice about having unprotected sex again. If nothing else, you will learn that life is precious, and should not be wasted and taken advantage of. How many of you have parents that admit you were a surprise? How many of you could have been a surprise? Apparently your parents didn't cease and desist your life. And anyone that has an abortion, and continues to have unprotected sex, should be shot. Just weeding out the gene pool of idiot sluts. And yes, if you have an abortion, and you continue to have unprotected sex, I consider you an idiot slut. I would rather be stuffed into a building full of teenies for 18 hours, than talk to an idiot slut for 5 seconds. So, there, that is what I think of abortion. I hope I covered all the aspects of it, because I am hoping that my message comes across very clearly. DON'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED FOR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF A CHILD! Even if it's just once, it can happen. Another friend of mine found out she was pregnant from a one night stand, but she chose to have the child. Now there is a beautiful, cheerful, bouncing baby (rightfully named Isaac), who just started learning to walk. His mother wouldn't have given that moment up for the world. He is so precious and sweet, I just don't understand how someone could choose to cut that off!!!!! It just doesn't make any sense to me!
1-6-01: Today I went back to Grapevine Mills Mall for the first time in three years and forty-nine days. I was like, trippin' out. It is NOTHING like I remember it. They have changed a LOT of things, but still, there is stuff that I should have remembered. They have sliding doors where normal doors (like the one I was almost pressed up against) were, they have an American Bandstand Cafe where a wall use to be, the food court use to be lots of open space, and now some of the food places have blocked off where it was opened, there is a Haagen Daaz where part of the stage once was, the tables and such are bolted to the ground...but one thing that hasn't changed is the ceiling of the food court. It still has weird cattle branding brands up on it, with the weird cowboys and the red. And the parking lot wasn't near what I remembered it to be like. I went there expecting everything to be as it was three years and forty-nine days ago, but a lot had changed. That's when I realized something (of course, otherwise, it wouldn't have been a realization, eh?): Me going back, and having this nostalgia for once what was, makes me realize how much I should have done then. I should have kept running, I should have paid attention to the shops as I ran swiftly past them, I should have bought TT&MON and Snowed In at the Virgin Record store, I should have....I could go on forever. My running past things and not paying attention as I flew by is a good analogy to life. You race through life so quickly, you don't realize what you're missing. But, if you get the chance to go back, you'll see what you missed, and even if you didn't miss anything great, you still missed it. I don't know what significance it has to anything, it was just another crazy thought that came bouncing out of my brain.
12-11-00: Updates will be few for awhile. Sorry. My computer is screwed up, and I have to use my mom's. But here is something for you guys to sit on. Look for a new story soon!
Did you ever feel absolutely worthless? As if you were reminded you were just a speck of nothing on this huge earth? This has happened to me. As you know, its Christmas time. Spend tons of money n your friends and family, give everyone else candy. Well, During this time (and birthdays) I have become accustomed to giving these thoughtful, meaningful, lovely prestents. I love doing it and enjoy the knowledge that I created a smile. Today, the tables turned though. You know the saying, "What goes around, comes around," right? Well, it works for good, as well as bad. A wonderful friend of mine has given me a thoughtful gift. I kind of crapped out this year on presents, so I was caught off guard (which is why I feel so worthless). She put some much time, heart and thought into this gift, that it brought me to tears! She had some of my best friends sume me up in a paragraph or two, and when the words "whiny" and "bitch" didn't come up, I was touched! Now I know what its like to be a smiler and a smilee, and I love both! Thanks so much to Misty, Jenny, Chris and Michelle for making my day a thousand times over. I have the greatest friends in the world!
12-6-00: I got an e-mail today that just got my panties in a twist! My computer has totally crashed (I'm on my mom's), I can't access my other stories (the ones I have on my computer) and that upsets me, and now I get this. My replies to each sentence (or paragraph) of her e-mail has a < next to it. Hope you enjoy this form of entertainment. E-mail her: childish_dreams@hotmail.com Fitting e-mail name, ain't it?
Merry Christmas.
>Same to you
But, what the hell is wrong with you? That's just mean. You're wasting your anger. Calm yourself.
>I use my web page as an expression of my thoughts and also as anger management. It helps me from killing the teenies :)
I'm going to be a psychiatrist someday.
>Lord help us all.
Not anytime soon.
>Good thing.
But let's just pick through this rant one step at a time.
>Lets not.
Okay, the girlfriends thing. We can't all be happy for him(Isaac). Not if we want him badly enough to think he'll be ours.
>Not everyone is so obsessed that they actually think Isaac will be with them one day, so we respect that he has a girlfriend and are HAPPY FOR HIM. Happiness is something that sometimes you have to sacrafice for others to be happy! He sacraficed his happiness for three years, and now its time for the tables to turn.
Teenyboppers are a neccessity. Who else is desperate enough to buy ten
copies of every CD, merchandise for everyone they know, magazines, and Hanson.net fees?
>Teenies are a bittersweet part of being a Hanson fan, I'll admit that.
Teenyboppers=money=Happiness.
>Teenies=loud=annoying
Let the teenys have a little fun. We can't all be as mature as you would like to think you are Ms.Whyismylifesocrappy&whydoesn'tanyonecare(?).
>The teenies will have fun whether I permit them to or not. Despite the way that it seems, I don't think I'm God, or anyone who can control this situation. I just like to state my opinion on it. And about my life, I happen to like it. Just because I write about my life, doesn't mean I'm complaining. My love life could use some work, but thats up to me. I don't care if anyone on the internet cares about my life. I have friends thank you very much, friends that care. They are all I need.
Look, Hanson doesn't have to deal with any of this. They could go all Michael Jackson on us and just hide. They knew what they were getting into. It would've been much easier to just stay up in Tulsa and sing at church 'til they got all dead-looking, but this had to of been what they wanted, or close. They aren't stupid. Or I'd really like to think so, anyway.
>I know Hanson can do whatever they want. I am fully supportive of them in all their doings (with a few exceptions). And how do you know if it would have been easier to stay in Tulsa? They had a tiny house for nine people to stay in. THEY SHARED A ROOM FOR HEAVENS SAKE! They are at a crucial point in their lives where they need to find individuality, and without a room of their own, I bet its hard to do. Not everyone has been so lucky as to have a house that fits the size of their family, as you seem to think. They could be stupid, you don't know that until you know them personally.
If you're going to be a bitch, you should stay under your rock.
>No thanks, I value my own opinions. I happen to like being a bitch anyway!
Screaming is okay. How would you fell if you were having a concert and everybody was just staring silently at you. It isn't even really screaming. Lots of people get hysterical, and forget that no matter how loud they say "Iloveyou! Y'rock!" Nobody can hear them. Screaming is just a way of showing appreciation. It's not smack-worthy.
>The concert wouldn't be quiet without screaming. Haven't you ever been to a concert where people didn't scream? HMM? Try them, they are a lot of fun. I saw No Doubt in concert, no one screamed there, but it certainly wasn't quiet! Screaming just shows that you can't control your hormones around three guys while you are in a sea of girls.
Fainting is a totally involuntary thing.
>True, but all concert goers should realize they need to stay hydrated and not faint at the sight of the band.
Have you ever met Hanson?
>Yes, I have actually. And I didn't scream, faint, cry, or do anything stupid. Isaac and I held five minutes of conversation and someone took a picture of he and I talking. He was very nice.
I haven't. I don't think I would faint, but I wouldn't know. I live so far down in Hell, (and I don't think I'm getting out) that I'll probably never meet any sane person, or Hanson. Same difference.
>Are you asking for pity? Cause you've come this far, pissed me off, and now you want pity? This little paragraph here is the only one that keeps me from wanting to choke my computer screen with your email on it. It shows me that you are real, and normal, you just need to bank some of the tendencies for you to psycho analize people that don't want or need your unprofessional psychoanalysis.
Leave people alone.
>Take your own advice.
If you really want me to believe that you love the music, think about it.
>I don't want you to believe anything I say. Personally, I don't care if you do or not. I know that I love the music, and that is that.
If people want to cry, let them. Somebody should punch you for being so heartless. Why should they hide what they feel? So that you won't feel like punching them? Please.
>It's not like they are sad or anything! If they can't control themselves, they need help. You don't NEED to cry just because Hanson are there. Its really not that big of a deal. And they are just so stupid about it, thats what makes me want to punch them. Its not like I see a girl crying and think "Oh my gosh, that girl is probably crying because of Hanson, I think I'll punch her." I'm not saying they should hide what they feel, just find new ways to express ithem.
Now onto you. You are weird.
>Thanks, but its not for you to decide what I am. Very judgemental. I don't value your opinion anyway.
If you think that all teenys are like you, what can I say? You're wrong as sin.
>Never ever ever anywhere did I say or even IMPLY that teenies were like me. I was once a teeny, yes, but that doesn't mean every teeny thinks like I did, or every teeny acts as I did.
And one more thing. Just because you feet like putting your dumb quote at the end of your idiotic rant, doesn't mean it belongs there.
>Now you have beyond pissed me off. My rants are MY opinions, you have no right to comment on MY OPINIONS! My quotes will be put where I think they fit, and if its an unfit place for you, TOUGH SHIT.
>Oh, and just to let you know:
I didn't ask you to visit my page and psycho analyze me. OKAY? I have the right to my opinions, and if yours differ from mine, FINE, but I don't care what you think about mine. I put my feelings on MY web page, as anger management, so I don't go off and shoot people for the fun of it like some people do! Miss Psychoanalist. Who the hell are you to go to my site, then tell me what's wrong to put on it?!? ITS MY SITE! I will put what I want on there, when I want it on there, HOW I WANT IT ON THERE! So, if you don't get enjoyment out of visiting my site DON'T VISIT IT. I don't need people like you telling me how to run it. Everyone else I know that visits, enjoys it, and if they don't, they don't visit it. Sometimes they agree with me, sometimes they dont....no big deal. Not everyone has the same opinions about everything. Sorry we can't all be perfect like you. And by the way, I happen to enjoy being a bitch.
Love,
Rachel
By the way, just how old ARE you?
11-29-00: The harder I try to get my new crush's attention, the less he seems to be paying attention to me. So I let off some, and he looked at me three or four times. I think it was coincidence that I looked over at him, when he was looking in my direction.....so I'm not jumping ahead and saying, "Oh my gosh, he MUST like me....he LOOKED at me." Whoop-di-do. I dunno if he likes me, but I refuse to listen to my friends. Last time that thing with "Eminem" happened (by the way, I haven't liked him since October 17th!!!!! Boy am I glad I'm over that one, he's an butt.) Anyway, so now I like this guy "Joe." He's shy. Oh, he is so cute. Hmmph. I just want him to like me. For like, the first time ever...I want a guy to like me for ME! So, I wear my favorite clothes around him, and I act like myself around him, but all his friends are in the class I have with him, so he pays me no attention. I know that if those lil jerks weren't in there, he'd talk to me more than, "Can I see your paper? I don't know the answer." He's one of those guys that you can tell if they weren't popular by association, they'd be like the biggest dork, well, thats him.....and thats part of the attraction. For Heaven's sake, Taylor is like the biggest dork in the world, and I like him! I don't know what the point to this is. I'm addicted to boys, and I REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY want "Joe" to notice me. Any tips? Email me!
11-06-00: Wow, I have a few things to cover today. The first is a poem written by a friend of mine. It's very inspiring and really makes you think. Thanks Tonya for letting me put it up here.
Terrified Tears
The face of an angel is all that is here,
One beautiful freckle equals one terrified tear,
Not ready to leave but has to go,
Wants to go back but God says no.
Leaving your life is a scary thought,
I guess it's something that can't be fought.
A mother, a father, a sister, and friends,
A meaningful life that suddenly ends.
An angel is what they were meant to be,
Now just think of all they can see.
Looking over their family night and day,
Saying I Love You in their own special way.
In the night we sleep, in the day we cry,
They watch us all from their star in the sky.
Another thing is that I am trying something I've never done before. I'm a little worried about what will happen when the deed is done (no, not that deed). Okay, I'm casting love spells. I saw this article in a magazine, and it had love spells, friendly ones, so I'm trying them out. I'll be ecstatic if they work, but if not, I'll just say "I knew it was too good to be true." Wish me luck.
11-02-00: I just wanted to share this and, again, didn't know where to put it. This is LITERALLY, my diary entry for this evening.
Well, Isaac Hanson has a girlfriend. The cat is out of the bag, whoopdie fuckin doo. I, for one, am happy. I love the thought of any of them having girlfriends, because I care about the music. I know that Hanson may see me in a sea of girls, but they won't remember my name, and they won't remember me just because of the outfit I wear, and they won't give a damn about me, because all I am to them, is money, and a fan. THATS IT! A FAN! Is it so hard to come to terms with that we are just fans? The boundries are drawn so definitively, but somehow, the teenies always end up crossing them, and very defensively at that.
Lets see, I would love to lock up all the teenies in a cage, with a camera watching them 24/7. Then, let them go, while the cameras follow them everywhere, and have people begin to recognize them and follow them as well, and let them get a taste of Hanson's life. Yes, Hanson did take this on when they signed the contract to Mercury in 96, BUT, they didn't sign away ALL of their life, or their privacy.
I wish I could allow the teenies to see the light, but I can't. I would love to smack each one to hell and back everytime they scream. I would love to kick every girl that falls to the ground in a faint (one from seeing Hanson, not from the heat). I would love to punch every single girl that sheds a tear because Hanson is in the same vicinity as she, or because Hanson touched her, or because Hanson "looked at" her. I would love to be the punisher of all idiocity in the crowd of Hanson fans, but I am not. Therefore, in my feeble attempts to vent anger, I can only write about these things in my diary, seething while thinking about it.
So now, here I am, listening to Mariah Carey's "Daydream" album, wondering why I broke up with my first boyfriend.
This is weird, it all ties together.
Yes, I was once a teeny. I was once the one I hate now, BUT, I got over it quickly. I realized that Hanson was becoming my life, and I had no room for anything else. I didn't know what I talked about before Hanson. My friends began to abandon me. My real life diminished, allowing me to feed on this fake world of Hanson that I had created. Hanson was life. Then one day, I opened my eyes. I realized I dumped a perfectly good boyfriend because I knew Taylor would see me and fall in love with me. I realized I had lost a lot of friends because everything I talked about had to do with Hanson in some way or another. I realized that all that my life had transformed me into an MTV watching, Internet freak. (I'd sit in front of the T.V. watching MTV, 8 hrs or more, OR doing research about Hanson on the internet, usually for 8 hrs or more as well.) I then realized I had a life imparing addiction, and like any addict, I realized I had to quit, or I'd die. I began to slowly stop buying teeny mags, lessened my time online and in front of the tube. I began writing Hanfic, to live my dreams out in a fictional form, instead of trying to create a life out of them. And soon, I had my life back, I knew who my true friends were, and I even started re-dating the guy I'd broken up with. But all of this, I learned a valuable lesson.
Only I control my life; if I let something else control it, its not my life. I knew my life was "Hanson", I then took control from them (control they didn't even realize they had), and I was, again, the driver.
So teenies, here is my first heartfelt message to you all:
You can still gain control of your life. Hanson are very real people. They will have a lover that probably won't be you, they will try new things and experiement like every teenager, they will sometimes "slip" like we all do, and they will be normal, like you use to be. If you let them stand in your way, not only will it impare your life, it will create a blockade to other people around you. You won't experience everything you should, because you are too pre-occupied to take in things around you. And one thing I thank God for observations; being allowed to take in your surroundings. You are limiting yourself. Break the dam, let yourself free, and you'll find that a flowing river is much better than a trickling stream.
10-28-00: Hmph. I didn't know where to put this, so I decided this is a great place. Yet another English discovery.
This is:
Sonnet 35 by Edmund Spencer
My hungry eyes through greedy covetize,
Still to behold the object of their pain,
With no contentment can themselves suffice:
But having pine and having not complain.
For lacking it they cannot life sustain,
And having it they gaze on it the more:
In their amazement like Narcissus vain
Whose eyes him starved: so plenty makes me poor.
Yet are mine eyes so filled with the store
Of that fair sight, that nothing else they brook,
But loathe the things which they did like before,
And can no more endure on them to look.
All this world's glory seemeth vain to me,
And their shows but shadows, saving she.
For those of you who don't understand it, I'll kind of translate/recap it in a nutshell. Basically, he sees a gorgeous woman, who is causing him grief because he cannot have her. He's uncontent with everything thing since he saw her, and he pines for her, but his eyes don't complain. Without her, he wouldn't live, and if she was his, he'd just stare at her beauty, like the Greek story of Narcissus (the guy who fell in love with his reflection and basically starved to death because he was staring at himself for so long). He feels like he's filled, or whole, everytime he sees her, and because she is so beautiful, he finds everything else bland and boring looking. And finally he can't look at her because she's so beautiful, because the world is so vain through his eyes now, and everything around him is like gray, but she is in full color. - Not a bad recap, eh? Hope you understood that version!
10-22-00: Life is all about learning isn't it? Well, I've been realizing some things today. First of ALL, I realized that even though I may not get any feedback, this page does relate to people (thank you Andi for this). I put this page up to help myself keep track of important lessons in life, and also to show people that they aren't the only ones who have discovered this stuff alone. My main thing is relating to people, and that's another thing I try to do here.
I also realized that no matter how stable a friendship is, if one friend isn't holding up their end of the foundation, the friendship will crumble.
And gosh, guys always seem to be the root of problems! I don't want to give a guy the satisfaction of crying, but it's building inside of me, and I have these swirling emotions and I'm just not me lately. I'm not me because I'm banking true emotions, but if I release them, people will get hurt (me included). So I'm bottling, which is bad. BAD! BAD! BAD! And the people I can talk to about these problems are the people causing them, so I feel stuck. I know I NEED to talk to them, but it's so very hard. I feel like I'm in a box, no doors, no windows, no cracks where light peeks through.....and I'm trapped. No matter how loud I call for help, no one hears me, no matter how many times I call for help, no one helps me, and no matter how much I do to get the help, no one sees me. Ever feel like that?
I also realized that the theory "Everything happens for a reason" is so true. I knew this, but I never understood it until I really thought about it tonight. It goes back to one of the first of my realizations....the one about me being stuck behind a granny driver, and me not knowing that if I wasn't stuck behind her, I'd be in a wreck or something. See, you could be the first person to do something nice for someone, and they could appreciate it far beyond what you could ever fathom. You can completely turn a horrible day inside out, by your one nice comment. Your miniscule generosity may even save a life. You never realize how much one thing you think is little, affects others. And you just never realize how lucky you are until its too late, or you're blessed. (I'm blessed. Are YOU blessed, or are you going to be too late?) There's something for you to think about. Hope you decide on the right one.
10-04-00: Hmm. Today I learned two very important things. The first is about life. Today we had a speaker, you may have heard of him: F. Story Musgrave. He is an astronaut who has worked on the Hubble many of times. He takes the most gorgeous pictures, and if you ever get a chance to meet this man, his outlook on life will baffle you. He's been to 6 colleges, therefore has six majors (mathematics, philosophy, psychology, chemistry...), he has been to space more times than you've been to Disneyland, and he has this great outlook on life. He took a picture of a child playing in the sand 30 yrs ago. He says that everyone should be doing what that child is doing, experiencing life for what it is, with all your senses. THAT is how you learn, how you are taught, how you discover....how life should be. I almost started crying looking at how beautiful the earth is from a different angle. God really has made everything perfect, we just don't appreciate it; but you can tell he does. I'm not sure if he does believe in God, but I am honored to have been kissed (on the cheek) by him.
The second lesson today is that if you compare yourself to others, you'll never live up to your own expectations (unless you always pick to compare yourself to the crappy people on this earth).
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