______________________________________________________ Secrets and Lies
---------------
Taylor
"Dammit!" I slammed the fridge door. Once again I was left with nothing for breakfast.
"Well Tay, if you had sense enough to get up with the rest of us, maybe you'd GET some food," Ike snapped, reading his morning paper. I hadn't noticed him sitting there.
"I'm so sorry I can't be just like you Isaac, cause we all know how perfect you are."
"Just shut up Taylor, I am so sick of your shit. Go be whiny to Zac, cause I don't want to hear it this morning." I stormed upstairs, like it was hurting Ike that I wasn't eating. I was being a fair bit bitchy this morning, and lately as well, but I wasn't sure why. I mean, it was like everytime something didn't go my way, I felt hurt, as if it were something personal. I hated feeling this way and wondered if there were a way to make it disappear. Maybe I needed to take a trip to the doctor. I called and made myself an appointment for later that day and decided to visit Melissa before going.
Zac
"Hey Ike, do you think you could take me up to the store, I need some..." I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where Ike was hunched over the table, sleeping on his paper. I peered into the half full cup of coffee and drank the rest. Coffee is so gross, but I always have to remind myself of exactly how gross it is. I laughed at my antics and wondered if I was strong enough to take him to the couch. I shrugged and decided to try it anyway. Poor kid, he's so worn out, we just got back on the music scene and need a break already. I lifted his surprisingly light body over to the couch in the living room and covered him with the quilt mom had made. I fingered a few of the seems remembering watching her while making it. "Zac, this is going to be for baby Jessie. She's in mommie's stomach right now, and when she comes, we're going to give this to her," Mom said. I had stared at her in disbelief that there was a baby in her stomach. So, I got up onto her lap, and put my ear to it. At that moment, Jessie kicked me in the cheek and mom laughed as I toppled backwards onto the couch. I was stunned at first, but then laughed too. I shook my head, smiling at the power of memories. I still haven't gotten Jessie back for that. Maybe Tay could take me to the store, although I really didn't feel like hearing any crap from him, I needed to go. I walked upstairs and knocked on his door. "Tay?" I pushed the door opened to find an empty room. "I know I heard him complaining to Ike earlier, where the heck did he go?"
Isaac
"Huh?" I asked as mom nudged me.
"I said, what are you doing out here on the couch? You have a perfectly good bedroom upstairs." I sat up and noticed my new placement.
"I have no idea how I got here, last I remember I was in the kitchen reading the paper." I looked around trying to remember how I'd ended up in the living room. I certainly couldn't have walked, but that seemed the only viable option.
"Okay, since you're up, help me and the kids with the groceries."
"All right." I stood up and stretched.
Zac walked past me with a bag of bread, "Hey Ike, sleep better on the couch? Cause I figured that would be a bit more comfortable for ya."
"You moved me?"
"Yeah, you're lighter than heck!" Zac grinned. I just shook my head and laughed, retrieving a bag with vegetables in it.
"Mom," I met her in the kitchen and set the bag on the counter, "Zac picked me up and put me on the couch."
"Really?" She smiled, "He's such a hoss."
"Yeah, no kidding."
"Where's Taylor?"
"I don't know, he stormed upstairs this morning. He's in one of his moods."
"Great! What am I to do with that child? He's such a fit throwing baby, he's worse than Zoe, and she's two and a half," mom snorted, her mood doing a 360. At least I know where he got it. I almost laughed, but it was the truth. He was never happy with anything. He was just a rich, spoiled, little brat, and every girl on the face of the earth had a crush on him. Maybe there was a good reason behind his moods. Maybe he just needs to talk. Okay, yeah, that's the big brother in me speaking.
"Do you think so?" Mom asked.
"Yeah," I regretted not paying attention to the rest of what she'd said, "wait, what are we talking about?"
"Counseling for Taylor. Maybe he just needs someone to listen to his story, you know, his side."
"I was actually thinking the same thing, but on a lower level, like, me. Maybe I can control myself long enough to listen to him and all his crap."
"Yeah, and if it doesn't work, we'll force him into counseling. Those are his choices."
Taylor
"So, do you see anything wrong?" I asked the doctor cautiously.
"The only thing I could even remotely see wrong is that you have a hormonal imbalance. I'm going to prescribe you some pills and if you don't see results in, say, five days, call me again. All right?"
"Yeah, I'll will. Thanks Dr. Miller." Dr. Miller had been our family doctor for years.
"Anytime Taylor, anytime. I'll bill it to you okay?"
"Yeah, thanks. C-ya." I put my jacket back on and went to Eckard's to pick up the prescription. I downed one pill from each bottle and cranked up the radio, jamming to anything decent that came on. I pulled into the back, hopped out of my care and headed in. Mom stopped me on the way in.
"Taylor, what's this?" She took the medicine from my hands and read the descriptions. "Did you go to the doctor?"
"Yes, I made an appointment and fulfilled it, don't worry, I told Dr. Miller to charge it to me. She said no problem."
"Aww sweetie, we'd have paid for it."
"No, its okay mom, I can take care of myself," I took the pills from her hands and put them on top of the fridge, so little kids couldn't reach them. Then I ran upstairs into my room, Isaac was sitting on my bed. I shut the door and sat on the floor.
"Taylor, mom has made two offers," he placed his fingers over his lips when I opened my mouth, so I didn't say anything, "she said you can either talk to me and try to work out, whatever is going on with you. Or, she's going to send you to a shrink." My mouth dropped opened.
"A shrink? I don't need a fucking shrink, I'm not fucking crazy! I just went to the doctor. I have a hormonal imbalance which is causing my mood flux. So how about we see if those work, THEN she can narrow my choices down." I realized there was no reason to yell at Ike for it. "S....sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You're only the messenger," I looked up sheepishly.
"Did you already take some of those pills, cause they seem to be working. You haven't apologized for yelling at me once the last couple of weeks during your outbursts."
"Yeah, actually I did take a couple. I'm sorry Ike, I've been really terrible these last few weeks," I felt the tears well up, "okay, here we go with the left over hormones." I looked up and wiped the tears away.
"I've never seen you like this, it's absolutely absurd, like mom. One minute you're yelling and screaming and the next you're bawlin' like a baby! It's actually quite humorous, but I'm going to refrain from laughing at you," Ike smiled. It got quiet for a little while, then Ike hugged me. "So, was there any cute nurses working today?" I laughed. It's a well known fact that the nurses at our doctor's office have not only the nicest bodies, but the biggest boobs you've seen in your life.
Zac
"Hey Camie!" I saw my best friend jogging and ran out to catch her. I'd only been back for a couple days and I hadn't yet gotten a chance to see her.
"ZAC!?!?!?!" she whirled around and practically jumped into my arms.
"Happy to see me?"
"Very! Oh my gosh, I love when you come home!! I get so giddy!" she laughed. I have had a crush on Camia for about six years, but since we're best friends, I'm afraid to screw it up, so I just play friendly.
"Well, how about we skate over to B.B's, my treat." B.B. stands for Billy Bob's, which is the best ice cream in our town. It's only a quarter of a mile from our houses, so we always skate up there and then we hang at Keller park, which is close by there.
"Sounds wonderful cause it's hot and I'm broke," she grinned.
"Great, I'll meet you back here in about five minutes, okay?"
"All right, see ya," she nodded and ran off. I ran back inside to get my skates on and grabbed a ten. I met her back outside and we skated up to B.B.'s. After she ordered her ritualistic cotton candy double scoop in a cup, and I got my chocolate peanut butter triple scoop in a waffle cone, we skated over to the swings at Keller park. We laughed and talked about what happened on the road and neighborhood stuff. Suddenly I got an idea.
"You know what we haven't done in a REALLY long time?"
"Night meet?" she asked, licking her spoon.
"Man, you know me waaay too well!
"Yeah, I know, I've been thinking about it too. I was going to suggest it sooner or later myself."
"Well, how about we meet here tonight at ten." When we were younger we would meet each other at Keller park way after all the other kids went home. We'd just talk about stuff in the dark while watching the stars from the merry-go-round. It was so fun!
"Sounds good."
"Yeah." It got really quiet for a couple minutes and then the silence was broken.
"Zac?"
"Hmm?"
"How come you haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time?"
"No one fits my picky description," I laughed. I'd actually been thinking about that lately too, I hadn't had a girlfriend in over a year, and seeing that I was almost fifteen, a year was long. I heard Camia mumble something and I looked over at her, "What was that?"
"Oh, nothing, I just said," she scrambled for words, "that being picky is good. Mmmhmmm."
"Riiiiight, okay, anyway," I smiled.
"Okay, ice cream is gone, let's play on the playground a little more." Despite the burning heat of the sun on this surprisingly hot day, I wanted to just feel like a kid again. I wanted to do things like pushing Camia on the swings and on the merry-go-round, and being happy-go-lucky. And that is exactly what I did.
Isaac
"Well mom, I talked to Taylor, and he said if his pills begin to fail him, he'll talk to me and if that doesn't work, he'll see the shrink." I announced the phrase in a more polite way than Tay had.
"I'm so glad he took it upon himself to see a doctor, it gives me faith in him."
"Yeah, well, I'm going to call Melissa, I think it's time I announced I'm back. She probably misses me still. Wait, maybe I'll go over and surprise her, yeah! Okay mom, I'll be back later." I stopped off on the way to see Melissa to get some flowers. She has been my girlfriend for over a year now. She loves daisies, so I got a bouquet of daisies and asked them to place a rose in the midst of them all. The arrangement looked gorgeous and I filled out a little card for her and took them to my car. I quickly drove to her apartment, yes, she has an apartment. See, she's a little bit older than me, she's twenty-two. She and I started dating and I fell HARD for her. I knocked on the door, leaving the flowers on the porch and running out of sight. She opened the door and looked down to see the flowers. I was hiding behind a bush and she stepped out of the doorway, looking around to find the mysterious lover. She spotted me.
"IKE?!?" she placed the flowers down and took me into her arms. We stayed locked for a moment, then I handed her the flowers and she commented at how beautiful they were. "When did you get back?"
"Two days ago, but we've been busy restocking the fridge and stuff, and Taylor's been horrible lately, but he is on the road to being fixed and everyone else is good. How have you been?"
"Lonely," she smiled, inviting me in. We walked in and I couldn't resist not to hug her again.
"Aww, come here." We hugged for a long period of time, it felt nice to know she was really there, then I kissed her. Although three years older than me, she is a good four inches shorter. She kissed me back, harder and harder each time, and I softened them and pulled away. She'd lost her virginity at ninteen, and she knew I wasn't ready, so I always kept things at my pace, she knew when I was slowing down some.
"Sorry, getting a little carried away. Um, did you wanna go to dinner tonight sweety? I got paid last weekend, it would be my treat."
"Sure, sounds great, where are we going?"
"Well, I found this new restaurant, it's Italian, and I know you love Italian, so we could go there. They even give you olive oil to dip your bread into."
"It sounds perfect, lets go there." She came toward me.
"Perfect."
Taylor
Dr. Miller called me back and asked me to come in for just a check up on the effects of the pills. From what I had experienced, they had really begun to clear me up, I felt more energetic, less aggrivated and more healthy. I walked into the building and was taken into a back room by some new really hot nurse.
"Hey, I'm May," she grinned.
"Nice to meet you! I'm Taylor." I politely shook her delicate hand.
"I know. I also know that you've been taking hormones, now you know how girls feel with the mood flux that they can't control."
"Yeah, it sucks," I blushed. One thing that is really embarrassing is for a girl you like to know you've been on hormone control.
"Well, let's see, I'm suppose to take your temperature, check your eyes, responses and then ask you questions. First your temp." She put the thermometer in my ear, checked my eyes and my response to movement, just to make sure the hormones weren't screwing with anything inside. She scribbled something down on the clipboard each time. "Now for the survey. Have you been feeling drowsy during the duration of taking your pills?"
"Nope."
"Any side effects you've noticed?"
"Nope."
"Anything out of the ordinary happen after you take your pills?"
"I'm nice again."
"Well, maybe I should take a few of these myself," she laughed.
"Aww, you're nice!"
"Yeah, and that is why I have no date to prom, right?"
"Uh, when is it?"
"It's the fifth?"
"I'll take you."
"Huh?" She was totally taken aback by the offer.
"I said, I'll take you to your prom."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Wow, okay, great. I'll call you then?"
"Sure. My number is on file."
"All right, you have to go now though, you're check-up is through." She smiled and shoved me out of the room. I drove home on cloud nine. Man, I couldn't wait to get home to tell Ike.
Zac
"Camia? Are you here?" I showed up in the dark, flashing my flashlight around the empty playground. My heart raced as I searched for Camia. I thought about how quickly a fan could surprise me and kill me or something. Suddenly I felt something grab onto me and I hit the ground. Giggles burst forth from my attacker and the fear factor dropped in realization that it was Camia.
"You scared the shit out of me, Lord have mercy." I placed my hand over my heart, feeling it making a million beats a minute. I rolled over, just listening to the heartbeat roaring in my ears. Camia placed her hand over mine and I moved it to my chest where my heartbeat was.
"Sorry," her eyes lit up despite the fact it was incredibly dark. I felt the rising urge to kiss her, but she hurriedly stood up and bent over to help me. The moon was full tonight, and full moons do strange things to people, so I hear.
We kind of played tag for a little while, well, I chased her around the playground while she shrieked like a little teenybopper.
"Teeny! Teeny! Camia sounds like a teeny!" I joked as we ran. She collapsed in a fit of laughter, not to mention she was probably tired from being chased. I tripped over her and we laughed until our sides hurt. I propped myself up on my elbow and stared at her, letting my laughs subside to a small cough. It was strange how the eerie glow of the moon made her look like an angel in the darkness. All I could do was watch her. She closed her eyes for what seemed an eternity, and when she opened them, her eyes sparkled, reflecting the light of the moon. I was caught, spellbound, somewhere in between the lengths of two periods of time. I was locked between two seperate worlds: now and then. Then, of course being when we were so little, running around with no cares in the world, that is, until we fell and scraped a knee or something. And now, where you realized how many things could hurt you, especially love.
"Zac, are you okay?" I was withdrawn from the spiraling time trap when Camia began calling my name. I stood up and looked around, swearing the images of us dancing as children had been real, as if I was reliving them just standing there. I rubbed my eyes. "Zac, are you okay?" she repeated, her voice a bit more persistant.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I let myself fall back into the present time, glancing around every once in awhile to make sure it was all real.
"Are you sure, cause you were really spaced."
"Just caught in a surreal hiccup of time," I grinned.
"Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Yeah, I'm fine, let's just go over to the merry-go-round."
Isaac
"That was SO good!" I commented on dinner.
"I know, I told you it was great. I wouldn't lie to you."
"Man, I love my mom's lasagne the best, but that came pretty close."
"I know, I love your mom's lasagne too, it is the best," Melissa sipped her Coke.
"Yeah, what do you say about catching a late movie?"
"What movie did you have in mind?"
"Whatever's playing."
"Actually, we could, but I have to do a little studying tonight." Melissa attends night school at a local college. She's taking business management classes and she plans to open her own store.
"Oh, well, I'd hate to take you away from that, so, after dinner, I'll take you home. I need some rest anyway." After she took up the bill for dinner, I dropped her off at her apartment, and kissed her goodnight. "Maybe we could catch a movie tomorrow?"
"That sounds good, love you Ike, see you tomorrow."
"Love you too, bye." With that, I kissed her and walked down the driveway to my car. I had been hoping that I could catch a few extra winks tonight. Of course, when I got home, that was a different story. Taylor was waiting on my bed. He had the biggest, most idiotic grin on his face, a grin I'd only seen on him twice his whole life. The first time had been when he got his first paycheck as a "superstar" and the second was when Jenny McCarthy kissed each of us on the cheek backstage. "Taylor, are you feeling okay?" I asked, then I added, "Did you happen to see Jenny McCarthy?"
"Um, better? I met a nice looking new nurse today. Her name is May and I'm going to prom with her!"
"Really? Wow! Tell me everything!" Taylor then proceeded to tell me about the odd gamble of his asking her.
"...and I drove home on a cloud, it was trippy."
"Whoa Tay, when is prom?"
"The fifth. I asked dad and we don't have anything planned, and I refuse to let anything get planned for that day. I am GOING to prom with her, cause you know what that means." Unfortunately Taylor wasn't as protective of his virginity as I.
"Yeah, okay, I'll mention that to Bryan, so he doesn't make any dates."
"Good idea! I haven't been this excited in forever!"
"I am so glad for you Tay, and I hate to say this, but I am entirely too tired to care right now. I really do love you and stuff, but I am dead tired. Plus, you know how I feel about you taking advantage of innocent girls. We'll talk more in the morning, okay?" I smiled to let him know I was serious, but I really didn't mean it maliciously.
"Night Ike," he left, shutting the door as he went. That had NEVER happened, especially with Taylor. He didn't believe in closing doors behind him unless he was going outside or he was asked. I smiled to myself and fell asleep almost immediately.
Taylor
Within my bill from Dr. Miller was a note from May that I guess she'd slipped in.
Dear Taylor:
Thank you so much for volunteering to go to prom with me, I'm so excited. I've never had a boyfriend before, so I never have gone anywhere all dressed up before! Hopefully the night will prove very memorable for the both of us!
Phone number (918) 683-8347
Love,
"Nurse May"
I smiled to myself and tucked the note into my safe keeping box. I decided to call her, or at least leave a message. I dialed the number.
"Hello?"
"Is May there?"
"Speaking."
"Hey, this is Taylor."
"Oh, hi!"
"Yeah, hey, I got your note. Very cute."
"Thanks, I wrote in a rush. I saw that Mary Ann was about to seal your bill and I told her not to cause I wanted to put a file in it and that I'd take it to the mailbox."
"Well, I'm glad you did. And I'm glad we're going to prom."
"We should get together so we can discuss all the details about prom. There are lots," she sighed.
"Yeah. Had a rough day?"
"No, I've just been thinking, thinking can be the worst thing you can do sometimes."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not on the phone."
"Want to meet somewhere?"
"I don't know you very well Taylor..."
"Oh come on, how much harm could it do? We can go to Edmund park and talk. It's getting close to dark, come on, it'll be fun, or stress relieving, or it will be whatever you want to get out of it," I silently prayed she would go. I wanted to begin building her trust.
"All right, my address is 721 Lena Court, but I have to be in before midnight."
"Great, see you in a bit then, bye," I was about to hang up when I heard her.
"Taylor?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For being there."
"You're welcome," I laughed. I heard a faint goodbye and a familiar click. After replacing the phone in the cradle, I raced to get some decent clothes on and was out of the house in five minutes.
I pulled up to her house and went and knocked on the door. She hurried out and into my car without so much as a hello.
"Where's my 'Hi Taylor'?" I opened the car door and climbed inside. She smiled slightly.
"How are you Taylor?" She questioned flatly.
"Fine, and you?" I asked cheerily, trying to perk her up.
"Fine as ever." She held the same tone.
"So, what's up?" I attempted to start an actual conversation that would maybe lead to the problem.
"Not a whole lot, I just need to get away."
"I know the feeling, let's roll." We pulled into the park and I immediately ran over to the swings, motioning for her to take the one next to me. "Okay why do you need to get away?"
"My family is bothering the hell out of me. See, because my parents are doctors, they want me to go to medical school, but I don't want to. I mean, I enjoy nursing as a side job, but I wouldn't want to do it my whole life. Sometimes it just makes me angry how blind they are to the fact that I can control my life now. They treat me like a baby and it took ninteen years to get an ounce of trust. I have a curfew too! My parents are like, 'As long as you live under my roof...blah blah blah."
"I can only stay out 'til midnight, and I'm a famous pop star. Even rich, spoiled brats don't get everything they want." I thought about it for a minute and realized I did get pretty much everything I wanted, but I wasn't going to mention that to her.
"I can't believe that!" She said, a slight smile forming at the corners of her mouth.
"Can't believe what?" I asked.
"That you can't stay out past midnight!"
"Well, I can't believe you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You are ninteen and still living WITH your parents." She stared at me for a moment, then her lips formed a full smile.
"You're ingenious."
"I try." I noticed her staring at me, "What?"
"I'll never forget the first time I saw you. I flipped MTV on that summer and saw you staring back at me. And once I realized you weren't a girl..." she cracked up. I lightly hit her on the arm. "Joking. Okay, seriously though, I thought you were pretty nice lookin, and you sang good. I hoped that one day I could date you or something. I mean, you are going to prom with me now, me of all people! How surreal is that?!?"
I sat speechless, watching as the sun dipped down below the horizon until only fiery pink and rich purple light was scattered on the land. The vivid colors toned down to a turquoise that was speckled with white blotches, otherwise known as stars. The simple daily occurence of the sunset was a common miracle, often taken for granted.
"Are you going to say anything?" I put my lips to hers.
"My first kiss," she spoke so quietly that she practically just breathed the words. I smiled at her, and watched the stars reflecting in her eyes.
Zac
After discussing every subject known to man, while the merry-go-round spun almost endlessly, Camia and I decided to take a break. We climbed from the dizzying toy and walked over to a grassy hill, not exactly making it there.
"Zac, I'm faaaaaaalllllllling!" Camia tilted to the left and began to topple. I was busy trying to walk straight, lucky for her, she landed in my arms with a soft thump. "Whew, that was close! Maaan I'm dizzy." After setting her safely on the ground, I sat down Indian style and she took it upon herself to lie down and put her head in my lap. "Wow Zac, the clouds are spinning around and mixing with your hair!" She giggled.
"Yeah, you rode the merry-go-round way too long. No more merry-go-round for you young lady," I scolded with a smile.
"Okay.........Zac?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you love me, do you love me, do you love me little pretty, yeah?" My heart jumped into my throat as she spoke the the first line, but as she continued on, I recognized the song and sang quietly under my breath. It almost depressed me to know the fact that she was singing words I helped write, but she wasn't directing them to me in the sense I wanted. She immediately noticed the mood change. "Why so glum chum?"
"Mixed emotions.......confusion mostly," I sighed. She sat up taking my hand ever so gently into her own, and she looked at me until our eyes met.
"Tell me, what's going on today? First we were all happy and then we were dizzy, and now you're," she studied me for a moment, "sad. Why?" It scared me that she could know that just from looking at me eyes. I wished I could lie with my eyes, but "the eyes are the window to the soul" as the old cliche goes. I stole my hand away, and looked to the moon. It was so full and so innocent. No one thinks of the moon as being innocent, but it is. It just sits there and reflects light; it doesn't cause trouble - well, with the exception of the tides, but that really doesn't matter. Other than that, it is just something else we take for granted. To most, its something we just look at, like an ornament hung on a Christmas tree. It adds to the beauty of the tree, but never really gets credit for how lovely it looks. It gets no recognition even though its a main part of the whole effect. But to me, to me...
"Zac, what are you thinking? You didn't answer me and I certainly can't read your thoughts."
"I beg to differ, but I was thinking about how it would suck to be the moon."
"Hmmm...." she pondered the odd thought for but a mere second, "yeah, but it would suck to be the sun as well. Too many things count on the sun, and not enough count on the moon."
"Ooh, putting things in perspective. The moon, which is completely innocent, gets blamed for things it can't help, and sometimes for things it doesn't even do."
"Like what?"
"Dunno." She stared intently into my eyes. "Why are you looking in my eyes?"
"Answers." Her eyes never stopped their search. I prayed silently that I didn't just ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
"To what."
"To what your heart is asking."
"I don't need to answer it. It's just a heart! It beats in my chest and keeps me alive, no big deal," I grinned.
"Maybe you should listen to your heart then." The moment was broken when I looked away.
"Tell me what my heart says now." She was silent, but I watched out of my periferal vision as she closed her eyes, took my hand in hers, and placed her other hand over my heart.
"It says that it needs to be released, the dam needs broken, and that the waves of emotion washing over you are true and sincere. It says to quit ignoring it and to listen to what it has to say because it is much smarter than your brain..." I opened my mouth to say absolutely nothing, but she continued. "...it says that although you write from it, you don't sing from it near enough, and that you should do that more. And," she paused, "it keeps saying one thing over and over."
"What's that?" I asked, fearful of the answer.
"One word, thre syllables, one meaning."
"It says all that?" I laughed and let my guard down, turning to face her. She removed her hand from my chest, took my hand from hers and looked straight at me.
"With every beat I hear my name."
Isaac
As I see the sun on the horizon, shining brightly
I think of all the beauty God created on this earth
I am reminded of you and the beauty beheld by you,
With the flower in your hair and dress blowing in the breeze,
I see life as it is known by me, through my foggy eyes.
Happy...
"Crap, what's next. I just have to finish this." I was caught up in my work once again when, and ever so quaintly might I add, a knock came on the door.
"Yes?" I asked in the direction of the door, not trying to sound annoyed.
"Does this look okay?" A familiar voice flowed into my head and suddenly I was in the unfinished song. I pictured the beautiful horizon, the viberant colors, the beautiful woman with a flower in her hair and her dress blowing in the soft breeze. I sensed the happiness filling the room and I opened my eyes to find Mel sitting parallel to me.
"Looks beautiful," I smiled, "what's up buttercup?"
"Not much. Whatcha doin?"
"What am I always doing?" I stretched and leaned back in my chair.
"Lemme read," she reached for it.
"NO!" I snatched it from the table so quickly that my chair landed back on all four legs with a thump.
"Sorry!"
"Sorry, it's just that it's not finished yet."
"Well, I thought we were going to a movie tonight, so why don't you get dressed and I'll meet you up at the theater?" She stood up haughtily, signaling that she was angry and would probably speed to the theater then complain about how late I was.
"No, wait, I'm sorry, we're going. I'll be done and dressed in a flash." I did notice that my apparel, well, lack of apparel was more the word, was not for going out. I was in a mismatched pair of socks and a pair of yellow boxers. I practically dove into my closet, pulled on some jeans, a blue t-shirt, and my old Airwalks. I came out smoothing my hair.
"Got your own personal prostitute in there?"
"No, but there is a shrine of you," I grinned, hoping that comment would bring a smile to her face; which it did.
"Yeah, yeah, you said that so I wouldn't be mad at you anymore. But let me tell you, it was so hard to be mad at you in those banana boxers and mismatched socks. I'd rather have died laughing at your fashion suicide."
"Fashion suicide!?!? I was comfortable."
"Well, I wasn't." With her laughter, I noticed a sparkling part of her personality for the first time. Not only was she funny and clever, she was dazzling. She certainly drew my attention and when she was in the room, my attention span was about as big as the height of a dime; I was too busy looking at her. It was almost as if I were in a dark room and she was the lone firefly I couldn't bear to take my eyes off of, for fear the light would disappear. "Ike, yooooooou-hooooooo," she waved her hand in front of her face.
"Yeah, oh, sorry."
"Where were you?" The dazzle sparked up in a flash and her eyes glistened, "Were you in some jungle freeing panthers and pythons while trying to ward of some evil people who were trying to destroy the area? Or were you on some adventure in the Sahara with only ounces of water left, a few disillusioned hopes and miles to walk? Or better yet, were you at dinner with a beautiful girl who you'd known for so long that you actually believed you loved her, and then you asked her to marry you?"
"Um, no, not quite." I thought about what she said for a moment, wondering if the last part was a hint. Is she actually contemplating marriage? Am I ready to get married? Marriage had be the farthest thing from my mind, I was happy with just being in love. In love. I'd said it myself. I am in love with Mel. I would live for her, die for her, give up my world just to get a glimpse of hers. I love Mel. I love Mel with all my heart, and she loves me if she's thinking marriage. "I was actually thinking of how dazzling you are." At that momrnt I realized that I really do want to marry Mel. But I won't make a move until I am absolutely sure.
Taylor
That night I had returned from Edmund park and was waiting for Isaac on his bed when he came in. I knew he would always see me if I was on his bed.
"Taylor, you scared the crap out of me!" He jumped.
"Sorry, exciting news!" He looked at me.
"Tay, I have seen you grin like that three times in your whole life, and four now, making that two in the last two days. What is up with you? Nurse May again?"
"Yes. It's so weird, I feel butterflies and things in my stomach, like I almost really like her. She's very attractive, but I mean, I don't know. I did steal her first kiss though." I ended with a deep and satisfied sigh.
"Tay, that's absolutely wonderful!" The line was dripping with sarcasm,"I am so glad you've found yet another to use to indulge on your pleasures. But I have some REAL good news. Today, I realized that I want to marry Mel, BUT, that won't happen very soon, don't worry." As soon as he said that he wanted to marry Mel, my smiling stopped. I knew that if Ike got married, he'd probably quit the band and start a family. "Tay, believe me, it won't be for awhile. I'm not going to make this a drastic thing. I know I love her, and I'm double checking for awhile that I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I don't want to be stupid about it. Stop looking at me like that!" I was glaring at him as if he'd told me he was taking everything I own and giving it to my worst enemy. "Taylor, I want you to be happy for me, I'm not doing this to hurt anyone."
"Well, I guess I'm happy for you then Isaac, congratulations. I am so glad that you are getting married so you can leave the band and start a family."
"You are being selfish Taylor! That's not fair! I'm twenty, freakin years old! If I want to start thinking about having a real life, I should be able to! And at worse Taylor, the band will break up, but at the best, I'll just take a break from the band and once my life is nicely together...Taylor stop looking at me like that.....once my life is to where I think it is sturdy, then we can make music together. Plus they say once you have your life together, you make better music, and with you seeing May and me having Mel, maybe Zac will find his mate and we will all have real lives. Then we can start families and we may move away from the music thing, but maybe not! I mean, look at Paul McCartney, he started out in a quote unquote boyband, then he found a wife, got married, kept his music career and he's had it for forty some odd years Taylor! It is a possibility, so don't rule it out yet!" He pointed his finger at the door. "Now get out before I get angry." It wasn't making me mad that he wanted a family, a life, or even to be married, its that I knew he had the power to end my life as I knew it. I'd been singing with my brothers since Zac learned to sing, and with one decision, he could totally kill that for me, and Zac! I decided to call May to seem as if I was beginning to trust her as well.
Zac
"What do you mean?" I asked Camia.
"Well, everytime I hear the thump of your heart, I'd swear on my life I hear my name! Am I just crazy Zac?"
"No, that is the weirdest part! When you said that, I almost died because I'd figured you just knew me well enough that you could say all those things, and know they were true. But you REALLY read my heart, and you really can read my eyes, and it scares me to know this fact, but it also reassures me, and I don't know if I should tell you a big secret I've been keeping for about six years now, or if I should just.......I don't know. I'm giving up." Defeat of not understanding my jumbled thoughts set in and I slumped down.
"Zac, what are you giving up on?"
"Well, I just can't sort my thoughts out, I am getting all kinds of mixed signals and they are voiding each other out! I don't know if its just my mind playing tricks on me, or what!"
"Zac, what are you talking about?" Camia looked confusedly at me. "What's the big secret, I thought we told each other everything." When I looked at her, she looked away from me for the first time that night.
"I'm sorry, I don't want it to screw with our friendship."
"Zac, you know that nothing can. We've built a strong relationship that can withstand anything, no blow is bad enough to crush it."
"No, you don't understand, it..." I was about to begin explaining, when she cut me off.
"You don't trust me, that's what it is, its about trust. You've been away so long..." she looked away.
"NO! Don't turn this into something its not! Don't read through imaginary lines here Camia, please just listen to me. This secret I have is a secret for a reason. The only way a wonderfully built structure can fall is if the infrastructure is messed up, and this will screw with the infrastructure."
"I don't care, tell me now," she crossed her arms.
"I don't want it to be like this, not here, not now, it's not time yet!"
"Please Zac, don't make me believe that you don't trust me."
"It's not about you."
"Then why won't you tell me?" Her lip now quivered and her eyes shone with tears. It hurt to not be able to explain what was going on. She was so confused, scared, lonely. I guess I wasn't the only one with a window in their eyes.
"Camia, I l..." right as I told her, I was drowned out by rumbling thunder and the sudden downpour of rain. Both of us gathered our belongings and raced home on our skates. I yelled I'd talk to her tomorrow and she yelled she'd be waiting. Maybe this is a sign. I was about to give in and tell her, and I was drowned out and practically drowned in the process. This was a sign directly from my maker not to tell her just yet. Or so I believed. Once inside the safety of my house, I went to my room and thought very carefully as to how I was to explain this to Camia without giving it away. I began thinking about saying it as "my friend" or "someone I know", I was just so afraid I was going to ruin a perfectly good friendship because I really like the girl that has been my best friend forever! I seriously doubt throwing our past away for our future was the right decision, at least not right now. I wrote down a small speech, practiced it til one o'clock in the morning and then went to bed reciting it.
Isaac
What to do with Tay. I'd actually opened up to him and shared with him something I felt was so incredible, and he pushed me away, and harshly at that. He'd stormed out of my room with tears in his eyes, I didn't think he had the heart to cry. I really wasn't out to ruin anyone's future or trying to erase the past, I was only creating a life for myself and whoever else I let into it, mainly Mel. Of course, this was something I was going to think continually of for a very long time, at least a year, but Taylor did not seem to want to get that through his thick skull. Sometimes I wish you could beat information into people, maybe they would actually understand! I can see where he's coming from though, with just a couple words, our lives could end and turn into something completely different. I try to think of it as expanding horizons, or something optomistic like that. Taylor sees it as the end of the world as he's known it, well, it would be that. He and Zac were so young when we started music, I was able to be just a kid for longer than each of them, and now, they'd grown up on music - music is life to them. It really sucks that with my few words, I could end that....what would they do? Zac would end up with a job at McDonalds, and Taylor would work at the Sonic drive-thru window, or at Wal-mart! Oh my gosh, what am I doing? I can't get married.....I can't stop the band from being together. I must find a happy medium! Thus I began racking my brain trying to work out my future. I'd been warned numerous times not to plan the future because something unexpected always happens. I at least wanted a map with the direction I was heading. Hmmm....I could marry Mel, then go on a weekend honeymoon and with all the time I'm not with the band, I could be with Mel. And when we go on tour, she can go with us, we can ride in the same bus or something. If we have a kid, she could play with Zoe and the kids, that would be so cool.
I must have drifted to sleep because I fluttered my eyes opened and looked around. I was passed out on my bed with the light on and my c.d. player still wailing Mariah Carey. I got up to turn my c.d. player and light off and fell into a slump on the floor.
"What am I going to do? I have got to figure this out!" I was dangerously close to tears. There was no way that everyone would be happy, there is no possible way I could please everyone in this situation. I'd have to just wait for the right time to decide. I knew it would come sooner or later, but when? Sleeping on it was probably the best idea, but I couldn't fall asleep again, not near as quickly at least. Okay, if I marry Mel, I'll be happy, hopefully she'll be happy, Taylor can get happy, Zac'll probably be happy, the kids will be happy-ish...they really won't know whats going on, and mom and dad would be happy, they love Mel. The news-media will be happy because a Hanson finally marries, the fans will be upset, but they can deal with it, and all my friends will be happy because they've all been hoping for this for awhile.......WAIT! Why am I trying to make everyone else happy? That is my problem! I need to make only me happy! That's not being selfish, I'm the one who has to live my life and I want it to be happy dammit! And happy it will be! I'm going to propose to Mel whenever I decide is the right time. With my mind now at ease, I decided to try to go back to sleep. Even though I tried pushing the thoughts out of my head, as I rested, I couldn't help to think how this decision would effect Tay and Zac. I twisted and turned for a few hours thinking of it and then finally was able to fall into what ended up being a very fitful sleep.
Taylor
"Hello?"
"It's Taylor. I...I'm sorry to call this late, but I just need someone to talk to."
"Oh! Hi Taylor, don't worry about it, talk to me." Her voice quickly changed to concerned.
"Well, I was unloading all the wonderful events of tonight on Ike, like always, and he burst in with the thought that he was going to marry Mel - which really is wonderful news, but if he marries Mel, I'm out a job. I know him all to well and if he marries her, he's gonna want a kid, and if he has a kid or kids, he's going to want to be with them all the time and be a good father, which is good, but bad. It's bad because he'll quit the band. And I have known music forever, so if Ike quits, what will become of me? I mean, if I'm not singing and playing and writing, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy, nobody's happy." I decided I was mad at Isaac.....extremely mad, and that I wasn't going to talk to him, and I was going to do something to screw up his idea about Mel. But what to do? As I was thinking, May burst my bubble.
"Mmmhmm, one question though, who's Mel?"
"Oh, she's Ike's girlfriend."
"Okay, go on."
"It's okay, that was really all. Guess my problem is that Ike wants to quit and I don't. Whatever he says, goes."
"Yeah, that's understandable."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you have the same choice as well. If you suddenly wanted to quit the band, you could too, and the same goes with Zac."
"True," I bit my lip from saying something nasty to her for not being on my side.
"So, maybe you should think a little more about that too, you withhold the same power as they do." Suddenly, I didn't like May very much anymore.
"Anyway, so, I don't think I'm going to make it to prom."
"WHAT?" Her tone dropped.
"Just kidding. Sorry, tried to lighten the mood."
"Taylor, that was NOT funny," silence filled the line.
"Tell me about yourself."
"You first."
"Okay, my life is far from perfect, my family is quarrelous, my music life is about to fall apart, I am a nervous wreck sometimes, I was even on medication for awhile."
"You are now," May snickered.
"Okay, okay, no comments from the peanut gallery. Ow, that was a low blow too. I can't help I have a hormonal imbalance."
"Yeah, but I'm the only one, well the only fan, that can tease you about that. I'm sorry, I had to."
"Oh well, whatever, I don't really care. It is kinda funny." She then started talking about herself and I couldn't shut her up. Finally, after she sighed, I cut in. "Well, I think I'm going to go now. Thank you for listening."
"That's what friends are for."
"I see, we're just friends, eh?"
"Well, not if you count the kiss."
"Yeah. Okay, I really am going now." I felt that the conversation had been wasted time well spent. Maybe I'd get her afterall.
"Okay, bye." I whispered "bye" and hung up the phone feeling as if something else should have been said.
Zac
"Okay, must call Camia, recite speech, and see what she has to say." I sighed to myself. Who am I kidding, she'll can see right through me. I had this bad feeling of what would come if I told her the full truth, but if I didn't, she'd know I was lying. The optomistic outlook was great, but every other outlook was, well, bad. Aside from the fact that Camia knew everything about me, I figured maybe I could partially lie and partially tell the truth. If she can tell, I'll just change my story. The truth was, I didn't want to lie to her, in fact, I wished I hadn't even opened my mouth about a secret. I rolled my eyes at myself; how stupid could I really be? The phone rang and scared me.
"Hello?"
"Hi Zac, tell me now." It was Camia. Like I've said a million times, she knows me so well, she knew I wouldn't even pick up that phone without more fighting with myself for another hour or so.
"Okay, I wanted to tell you," I took a deep breath, "that I missed you so much while we were gone, that I actually hung your picture at the end of my bunk," I blurted.
"THAT'S IT? THAT WAS THE BIG SECRET? Oh come on, there's got to be more."
"Nope, that was it." I decided I'd add something embarassing if she prodded any further.
"Are you sure it wasn't that my picture was at the end of your bed while you were wackin it or something?" she laughed.
"Oh yes Camia, you have found me out, what do I do now?" I asked in a monotone voice to show I was joking.
"So that really was all?"
"Yes!" I was now lying to cover up a lie. Lying is bad, never start, because it becomes one after another until you can't keep track anymore and you slip up.
"All right, I believe you." She said it so solemnly I could have cried and confessed right there, but obviously sometimes the truth wasn't meant to be put into the light right away. I immediately felt more distant from her, as if I was letting myself escape from the grasp of a long friendship, and regretted holding this back from her.
"So..." An awkward silence was something we hadn't had in a long time.
"So, what's up with you?"
"Eh, not much, wanna come over and watch Empire Records?" I asked, knowing that would totally flip the mood.
"Sure! I'll be right over! Love you bye!" Empire Records is our favorite movie and she didn't buy it so she could always come over and watch it with me. I figured that maybe I could start dropping subtle hints that I liked her in a different way. Why not start now?
Isaac
Even after an actual good nights sleep, I didn't much talk to Taylor. In fact, I didn't even see him really. All I got from him was a monotonous, "I'm going out, tell mom not to wait up." I didn't talk to Mel either. I called her all day yesterday, but she was out, somewhere. Despite my feelings about Tay right now, even thinking of Mel and what we could have together: a life; made my day bright. I decided to call her.
"Mel, it's me!"
"Hey, sorry I was out.....running a few errands yesterday." She was a horrible liar, and I figured she'd been out shopping for our two year anniversary in advance.
"So, how are you?"
"HORRIBLE, well, okay, that's an overstatement. I'm kind of really bad. I confided in Taylor and he reacted in a..."
"Less than perfect way, right?" She finished my sentence.
"Exactly."
"Well, what was it about?"
"It was about a situation I'm in that I am not sure I'm ready to talk about yet."
"Ike are you gay?"
"NO, no, no, no..." I chuckled at the silly thought. "In fact, I'm about the farthest from being gay than I can get. I promise I'll tell you when the time is right."
"Okay."
"Is everything okay Mel?" Normally she inquired much more about secrets than just, "okay."
"Oh, yeah, everything is peachy." Although that sounded cheery enough, I wasn't convinced, but I didn't go any further with it.
"Well, how about lunch today?"
"Actually, I have another test I have to study for. Government is giving a test next class and I really need to study up on the Constitution. I'm sorry Ike, I'll take rain check though."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"YES! Isaac, I'm fine, just a little stressed." Now I was really worried, she hadn't called me Isaac, whether mad or glad, since we'd started dating.
"All right, all right, I'm just double checking. Well, I guess I'll let you get back to studying."
"Okay, love you, bye." She hung up before I could even say "I love you." Something was very wrong. I hung the phone up and went to find Tay, I couldn't stand being even remotely sour to him anymore, I had to talk to him.
"TAYLOR?!?!" I yelled walking through the house. Mom came into the living room and shushed me.
"Zoe's actually taking a nap, please keep it down Ike."
"Sorry mom, have you seen Tay lately?"
"He went out again this morning and said he'd be back later this evening. I'm starting to worry about him Isaac. I don't know what to think anymore. He never hugs me, kisses me, says he loves me, or even says hello to me anymore. You're still my baby, but you show your love," mom cried. I was use to mom crying, so I sat by her on the couch and held her.
"I'm sure it's just a phase..."
"Everything's a phase with Taylor. I don't know what's gotten into him. I'm worried about him damn it!" I hadn't heard mom cuss in some odd number of years, so this blew me away.
"Don't worry mom, I'll talk to him, I need to talk to him anyway." I hugged her, kissed her on the forehead and got up. "I love you mom, I'm going to try to find him." She smiled weakly at me and I walked out into the garage. I had every intention of finding that boy. My first stop would be Nurse May's house.
Taylor
Dear Journal,
I am trying to think of how I can get to Isaac really bad for leaving me. He already told mom and dad he's thinking about quitting the band to pursue a life with Mel. The love that idea, and in fact, asked how my love life was going! I've been racking my brain to figure out what will keep him reeled into the band idea...hmm.....I did talk to Mel about this and she doesn't know what to say. I was like, "Ike wants to leave the band for you, and I don't want him to, can you stop him?" and she kinda like the idea too, sooooooo, THAT'S IT! I can kill two birds with one stone! If I can get Mel to fall for me, I can get Isaac and her back for wanting to ruin my life. YES! Getting Mel won't be hard. I know she has a crush on me, and I've been friends with her for awhile. Yes, she LOVES Ike, but I know that she likes me because she told me. I promised I wouldn't tell Ike cause she said it was a phase, but hey, I can utilize this phase. I guess I'm going to go and start putting the plan into action! I can't wait to see the outcome!
Love,
TAYLOR
Dear Journal,
Do you remember when I wrote about the plan? Well, its backfiring. I never ever thought that in this whole world, I'd feel bad for taking advantage of someone, but I'm starting to. Mel and I had sex. She needed it because Ike never gives it up, and I wanted it because it was another easy goal for me to reach. We have been for a couple weeks now, but I'm starting to feel bad. If Ike finds out, his life is really going to be meaningless. I hate feeling bad! I wish I had no conscious, like with those stupid girls I normally sleep with. It just hit me that I'm hurting flesh and blood, someone that cares about me even though I don't do very nice things to innocent people. Now, I've gone and wrecked a relationship, and probably a brotherhood. I know this is Hanson cliche, but hold on to the ones who really care, in the end they'll be the only ones there. If only I'd listened to that. Man I hate feeling bad. I just wish I could take it back, but I can't. Mel and I agreed never to tell Ike, and we're going to do just that. It just kind of stings every time I look at him, or he hugs me, or he talks to me...but I'll get over it. My old conscious should be back any minute now. C-ya.
Love,
TAYLOR
Prom
On the way to May's house in the limo, I couldn't stop thinking about the secret. It was now burdening me. When Mel and I agreed that we wouldn't tell Ike, I figured, no big deal, I can keep this between her and I, but it is really starting to get to me. At May's, hundred's of flashes were going off, but I'd learned to ignore those from fame, that was easy. I was just smiling and deep in thought. I had a feeling this secret would be my death. Kind of like when Caesar got a warning of his death, the ides of march, otherwise known as my birthday. Maybe it was a cursed day and all that were born on it had the Caesar curse on them for life. They rise to fame and prosper, but in the midst of their reign, they are slain by the ones they trusted. Yeah, that would be the outcome of me, but slain in terms of mentally, not physically. I get to live with myself after word is out, Caeser was lucky enough to die.
"Come on Taylor," May was looking at me as if she'd been trying to get my attention for awhile.
"Oh, sorry, I was thinking about how gorgeous you look tonight." I got really good at lying too.
"Thanks," her eyes caught the house lights and sparkled. Enchanting, I thought plainly. Mom had been extremely excited when I left, because I was talking with her. We got into the limo and were off. When we got to the hotel, the Omni, we were greeted to red carpet and press everywhere. I could see the headlines now, Taylor Hanson Makes Lucky Fan Happy! Great. Whenever you want the magazines and newspapers to make you look good, they make you look bad, and whenever you want them to make you look bad, they make you look good. We walked in and no one even noticed me. It was like a miracle, no one cared that I was Taylor Hanson. May warned me that no one in her school liked Hanson, but this was different. They weren't acting as if they hated me, they acted as if I was one of them! Oh how I longed to be a local band again! May dragged me over to take pictures, then they had those people who drew charactures, so we got one done (it was free!). Then we went in and got a table, where she ran into a slew of friends. This is what I depicted from the conversation, "Oh I LOVE YOUR HAIR!", "You're dress is GORGEOUS!", "You look so beautiful!", and of course, "This is my date, Taylor. Taylor that's...." she named the ten or so girls that were around and I shook hands politely and complimented a few. Some of them did look especially nice that night and I wondered if maybe I could score their numbers. Then the synopsis of the secret ran through my head again and I blocked everything out. When I realized what was happening, May had taken me to the dance floor. The rest of the night played out without me really being there at all. I was surprised to notice May seemed to be having a lot of fun, and didn't even notice I was spaced out.
Zac
Camia came over and watched Empire Records again, but today I made lunch for us. Chicken in cream sauce was my specialty and it only takes 25 minutes, so I whipped it up. Plus, I know she loves it.
"Camia, I can't lie to you anymore," I put my fork down in the middle of eating my chicken.
"Tell me after we eat, we can go in the basement..."
"No, we have to now." I put our plates into the microwave and led her to the basement. By then the tears had begun to well up.
"Zac, what is going on?"
"Camia, sit down." She sat down, her eyes were full of concern, and again, she searched mine for answers. "I lied to you about the secret, none of that happened, well, it did, but not quite in the way I meant it. I've never kept anything from you before, but for the last six years, I've held this secret to myself, and it's killing me. It's especially been getting to me the last few months! I can't hold it in any longer!"
"Tell me Zac," tears were now spilling from her own eyes as well. I was pacing the floor in front of her.
"Okay, for the last six years, I have liked you so much, I've become blind at times! I mean, not like in friends like, but other like. Everytime I have a girlfriend, or date a girl, I try to compare them to you, and they never live up! I push every feeling of wanting to kiss you away because I feared that I would lose you! When we would have night meets, you always looked like an angel in the moonlight, I wanted to touch your hair, your face, kiss you, hold you in my arms, and I couldn't. I thought we had something stronger, but I realized, if I didn't do anything about this, I wouldn't know if there was something more strong out there or not. I had no comparison. All I had was what I felt about us being friends and for the last six years I've been eaten alive by suppressing these feelings. Every day I think about you, and wonder what you're doing, well, only if you're not with me. If only you'd say you feel this way too. I know this sounds like a bad love song, but Camia, I think I love you. I don't know what I'm so afraid of! Maybe not love in the fullest sense, but certainly like to the fullest." I said everything so quickly I didn't realize I was done. Camia was still crying, harder now than earlier.
"Zac, are you sure about this, I mean, absolutely sure about it?"
"Absolutely, I've been benching these feelings for six years, I'm sure to some degree at least." She smiled at me.
"Good, because lately, I've felt a chemistry to a certain degree as well. I just didn't want to say anything for fear it would ruin us and I didn't know how you felt!" I took her into my arms and held her tightly for so long. I don't know, I had a time lapse where it felt it was only her and me in the world.
"I am so relieved. I wish I had gotten this burst of faith in our relationship earlier!"
"Me too!" Camia giggled.
"C'mer you!" I again pulled her into a hug, this time my tears weren't running down her back. When we pulled away I looked at her and suddenly remembered something I'd actually forgotten. "I've been so wrapped up in thinking of this, I actually forgot we'd already kissed! "Well, guess we should start working on developing a relationship then."
"I guess so."
"Hmm, how about we start....right....here," with every last word, I leaned in closer and closer until I was right at her lips. Her lips tickled mine as she spoke.
"Sounds good to me." Her eyes fluttered and I finally mustered the energy to rid that last centimeter between us.
Isaac
Taylor walked into my room and I glared at him, he hadn't knocked.
"Oh, sorry Ike, I just have a lot on my mind, and a lot I can't share, but I need to talk around it, it's killin me."
"All right, I'll forgive you this time. A penny for your thoughts?"
"First off, I'm not sure if I like May anymore, I don't think I want to, well, you know," he trailed off.
"Screw her brains out like everyone else trying to make them feel special while all you get is pleasure and probably some sickening diseases?" I filled in for him, snickering.
"Not quite, but close enough."
"Did you finally realize you HURT these girls when you do that? And in more than one way might I add."
"Ahh, Ike, stop adding stuff, I'm trying to tell you things and you keep interrupting with all this bullshit. ANYWAY, I have secr.....well, I guess I'll start with that. I have this secret Ike, it's this horrible, monster secret that I need to tell people about, but if I do, the outcome will devistate a lot of people, people I care about. Even thought I don't feel bad about the secret itself, I feel bad about the outcome it will have and I feel like a bad person because of it. I just can't keep it in too much longer, I just don't know what to do! Oh, and the May thing, I think this secret is overloading my brain and I'm just not feeling what I normally feel."
"A boner?" I laughed.
"Shut up Ike."
"Taylor, I don't know exactly what to do about your secret, and I understand every man has his secrets, so I won't pry, but with May, you can't just string her along if you aren't going to just do her and leave her. Tell her how you feel, maybe even the reason you liked her, maybe she'll hate you, and maybe she's very understanding. Either way, you can't just lead her on. I suggest you go now and tell her what's going on." I put my hand on his shoulder as a comfort and a support.
"Okay, I'm going, but I won't have fun."
"I don't expect you to, a man's life isn't always fun Taylor." He seemed to cringe at my calling him a man. I patted his back and sent him on his unmarry way. I wished right then that life was easier for him, me,...everyone. Everything seemed so complicated these days! I decided to just rest today, I started with a well deserved nap.
I was dreaming that I was in an earthquake, then I woke up to realize it was my stomach rumbling. I laughed and got up to make myself something to eat. From the kitchen I noticed Mel talking to my mom. I prepared a sandwich and opened the microwave absentmindedly and then realized you don't put sandwiches there. To my surprise, I found Zac's chicken in cream sauce, two plates. I took one out, heated the other and ate that on top of the sandwich I'd made. Then I made a trip to see my love.
"Afternoon ladies." I tipped my imaginary hat to them.
"Afternoon sir, how was your nap?" Mel asked, avoiding eye contact. I noticed it had been like that lately. Everytime I tried to talk to her about it, something would suddenly come up.
"Well, it was pretty good until the earthquake."
"Earthquake?" They asked at the same time.
"Yeah, my rumbling stomach."
"Cute, really cute," mom commented, "but baby, you have some screwed up dreams." She left the room and I kissed Mel.
"So, what's the occasion for coming over?"
"Well, I wanted to talk about plans for tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" I played dumb. I knew down to the hour when our anniversary was.
"Our anniversary?" She finally met my glance. Something seemed amiss, but she smiled. I just shrugged and then allowed a grin to spread across my face.
"I already made reservations. I'm taking over this year, so you just sit back and get pampered, okay?"
"Sounds great. Ike, you are so great to me!..." she mumbled something at the end.
"What was that last part, I didn't hear it."
"I said, um, that I can't wait." I figured she'd whispered secrets of tomorrow to me.
"I love you Mel." I hugged her and kissed her until I felt satisfied she knew I loved her. "I really don't deserve you, you know that? You should belong to some great, noble man or something. Not some plain dork like me."
"Really Ike, mister I'm-a-self-proclaimed-dork, you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself about being a dork. That's who you are, accept it!" I sat back and relaxed, finally glad life was they way it was.
Taylor
Yesterday hadn't gone too well, Isaac was being so great to me, which made me feel bad. The advice he gave, especially the last bit of it, was very truthful. And of course talking to May didn't exactly cheer me up, I didn't tell her, I just said I was a little confused, but she was so understanding. She even gave me a shoulder massage! I went to bed very distraught and woke up numerous times to nightmares. I have been having them since the secret started getting to me badly. I finally fell into a sleep that was decent enough to stay in and the phone woke me up. I squinted at the clock, trying to focus on the blurry red numbers, 3:00
"Hello?"
"Taylor, I'm pregnant." I shot up from my comfortable position in the warm bed. I recognized the voice immediately.
"WHAT?!?!" I whispered loudly as possible.
"We are in serious trouble..." Mel's voice trailed into tears.
"You never know, it could be wrong, take another."
"Taylor! I have been sitting here the last three hours taking pregnancy tests. I AM PREGNANT! I need to know now, do you want responsibility for this baby, or should I have sex with my Ike and then say it's his child? Taylor, if you don't want responsibility, I can do that. We can live with this secret, we can do it." I thought about how much the secret was eating at me lately.
"No, you can, I can't. I'll kill myself before then. The secret of us is killing me."
"Well, you better decide right now. Because I have to tell someone before people start noticing." I racked my brain. Do I want responsiblitity, or burden it on Ike?
"I have to take responsibility, I can't play the roll of father, but I'll claim it." I immediately started crying. My vengeful plan had become something totally different than I wanted it to be. And it was all for something that hadn't happened! Ike hadn't even quit yet! The shit had hit the fan, the secret would have to come out in the morning, I decided. There was no way I was going to get to sleep, so I consoled her on the phone. She kept repeating, "We're in trouble, we're in so much trouble...". There was nothing I could really do or say. She spoke the truth. I kept thinking about if the police found out. She'd go to jail for statutory rape, my reputation would be gone! I could see the headlines now, "Hanson Boy Becomes Corrupted!" Mel and I must have, literally, cried ourselves to sleep, because I woke up to a dialtone in my ear. I hung the phone up and immediately it rang.
"Hello?"
"It's me again, rally anyone this will have impact on and meet me here, at my place."
"Okay." I got up, woke Isaac up, and got dressed. I then called May and told her I was picking her up and to be ready. When she asked why, I told her we were going to reconcile the differences I'd told her about yesterday. She had no more questions and I took my pocket Bible with me. I hadn't carried it since we first got famous and I thought it would be a barrier to me and all the screaming girls. I would need a barrier now. I said a quick prayer, shoved Isaac in the car, and drove to May's.
"Taylor, you look like hell," May sat next to me.
"You're going to look like it soon enough, so just hold on." I breathed angrily. They were so ignorant to this it's absolutely absurd! How could both of them be so blind? We pulled up to Mel's and Isaac began to form ideas, I could see the wheels in his head turning.
"Why are we here?" He asked.
"You'll see in a few minutes."
"Taylor, I'm scared." May really did seem shaken up, but I wasn't about to give in to her pity whines.
"Deal with it." Tears immediately sprung to her eyes and we walked in to the apartment. Mel was already sitting on the couch, crying. "Everyone sit down." I closed the door. Mel and I locked eyes and I nodded.
"I.....I.......I can't, Taylor," Mel pleaded for me to tell.
"Well, I was really mad at you Ike. You were going to leave me in the dust, leave the band......leave me to work somewhere unknown, so I devised a plan to keep you around. I was going to interfere with you and Mel's relationship. I've been coming over here, helping her plan for you guys anniversary, and well...one day when I was really mad, I coaxed her into bed, and..."
Mel cut me off, "and now I'm pregnant." At first May and Isaac had looks of surprise on their faces, then it turned to disgust, then surprise again, and finally, May's face became pained and plagued with tears.
"I TRUSTED YOU!" She stood up and threw her fists down. I finally realized what Isaac meant when he said I would hurt girls after I used them then threw them away. I finally got to see the aftermath of something, and this wasn't even after I slept with her and left her. This was just beginning a relationship with her so I COULD sleep with her. She had every right to rage about it. "I should have known," her angry tone turned smug and she even laughed, but there was no fun in it, "Mr. Rockstar could never settle down for one girl, no, he has to be greedy and take anything he can get." Isaac stood up and hushed her.
"I can't believe you Melissa," Ike choked on his words, making her cry harder, "I am actually totally in love with you, or was. And just to let you know, on our two year anniversary, I was going to ask you to marry me. I was totally ready to settle down with you and have your children, but it looks like someone beat me to it." He gave me the most evil death stare and suddenly, none of this had been worth it. None. I was finally reaching the full effect of what taking advantage of people does. And to two people in the same room none the less. Ike's calm manner suddenly gave out. "I can't believe it! YOU WERE FUCKING MY LITTLE BROTHER!"
My head fell and I realized what was happening. Ike was disowning me, a nice girl hated me, and I would be the father to my brother's ex-girlfriend's child.
"I'm so sorry Isaac! I still love you! He didn't mean anything to me. It wasn't like what I wanted with you. I'm so sorry..." Mel broke down. Now I was hurt. Normally I didn't care what the girl thought, I knew she was always satisfied cause she was obviously a fan. But Mel had flat out said that I meant nothing to her. I was finally getting a taste of my own medicine. I had related to the girls before, understanding why they would get upset, but now, I was one of them. I crossed the barrier.
"When did this start? When did the two of you start fucking?" May asked.
"A couple weeks ago," I spoke in a soft tone, coming to the full realization of what havoc had been brought upon these innocent souls.
"So this is the secret you told me about Taylor. You weren't even MAN enough to tell me..." Isaac's voice was steady despite the tears flowing from his eyes.
"I wanted to tell yo..."
"NO, I am TALKING. When I'm done, you can say whatever, but I won't listen. You teased me with this secret, you made me want to know, and now that I find out.....Taylor, how could you hurt your own flesh and blood like this?" I was now crying, and his tone had changed to hurt.
"I don't know Ike."
"DON'T CALL ME IKE!!" He looked away, "Taylor, things like this just don't HAPPEN! They don't. I don't want to talk to, or see either of you, ever again if I can help it..."
"Isaac wait. It was totally the heat of the moment," Mel tried desperately to explain, hiccuping and sobbing. "Please don't leave me, please."
"Mel, I haven't left you, and never would have, but you have now left me, and I will never forgive you for that. Just don't talk to me, don't get within three hundred feet of me, and don't try to contact me at all. I don't want to hear your story, I don't want to hear your excuses, I don't even want to hear a FUCKING SORRY from either of you. I just want you both out of my life. And as for you go Taylor, you can kiss my ass, I quit the band. I'm telling mom everything." He began to walk away, offering a hand to May, who was almost as hysterical as Mel, then he stopped and turned around. "Better yet, I'll tell mom I quit, then tell her you'll explain, and if I'm not satisfied with your explanation, I'll tell her myself. I hope you both enjoyed this conversation, because this will officially be the last." He turned and walked out the door with May, who flipped both of us off going out the door and screamed "I HATE YOU!" directly at me. Mel and I almost collapsed crying so hard.
"ALL BECAUSE YOU FUCKING HAD TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE!" Mel began to get books, dishes and anything in reach to throw at me. Finally she hit me in the head with a brass candlestick, and I blacked out.
Zac
My life was absolutely peachy as of right now. Camia and I were starting with a clean slate and everything was perfect. Well, it was perfect until I was upstairs getting Camia and I's dinner and Isaac walked in looking like someone who had been dragged down the raceway in the Indianapolis 500, through mud, puddles, and anything else in the roadway. Mom immediately went over to him.
"Isaac, what is the matter with you!? Are you on drugs?"
"I wish," he half smiled. I ran downstairs, told Camia to stay in the basement and returned to the room where Ike and mom were. When I went up to Ike, it didn't even look like him. His eyes were glazed over, empty, and his jaw hung slightly ajar.
"What's wrong then?" She seemed very concerned, as was I.
"I quit the band, Taylor should follow me in soon, he'll tell you why, if he lies, I'll tell you the truth......its about Mel, so if he doesn't say her name, call me in. And don't expect me to talk to him mom, I can't love him anymore." Mom immediately demanded the story and then burst into tears. I helped her to the couch and started crying as well. We sat there, crying for a good forty five minutes, with no conclusions as to why a part of our family was falling apart. Then Taylor walked in. He was bleeding from a deep gash in his forehead. He looked worse than Isaac.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?" Mom screamed. She frightened even me then. She was always so mild mannered, even with seven kids. Taylor told us the story, every bit, and mom smacked him so hard across the face that his partially clotted wound began to bleed again. She ran off to her room screaming for dad, but for some reason, even if he was belted by dad, I don't think Tay would come out of his trans either. At least Isaac would recover. I was mad at Taylor.
"You selfish, uncaring, son of a bitch. How could you break up our family? We had SO much going for us before you LITERALLY screwed it over. YOU ARE JUST A SPOILED BRAT THAT GETS EVERYTHING! I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED UP TO YOU TAYLOR, ALWAYS!!! NOW, I CAN'T EVEN GO LOW ENOUGH TO LOOK DOWN ON YOU!" I put a disgusted look on my face, tears streaming from my eyes, and talked as calmly as I possibly could. "I don't want to talk to you either, you can die for all I care." I ran down into the basement where Camia immediately began to console me. "I want to come live with you Camia, I want to live somewhere that the family isn't screwed up!"
"Oh Zac!" Apparently she'd heard the whole story from down in the basement and she'd been trying to be strong for my sake. I could feel it in the way she held me, she was holding me up. It seemed like it should be the other way, wasn't the guy suppose to hold the girl as she broke down? I didn't care, my family was slowly crumbling because of one person. This was the one person that I'd been so jealous of because he was the best older brother, always caring and taking our side, he had the good looks, the thin figure, the better voice, the lead on most songs, the most "talent", the most fans.......and now my idea of who Taylor was had dissolved. He was nothing but a scum bag that wouldn't do a thing unless it benefited him; he was a selfish, washed up, stuck up, spoiled brat that had more than his share of good luck. Camia helped me to the couch where we sat for so long crying together. At least our souls began bonding at this point.....that's the only good thing I sought out of this mess. After a bit of sentimental silence, where both of us became so caught up in thinking, we didn't notice we weren't talking, Camia cleared her throat and spoke.
"Do you want to go to B.B.'s?" I could see that she wanted to smile, but for my sake, continued to look sad. I nodded my head yes. Ice cream was always comforting to me as a child, and now I was doing anything in my power to reach a certain amount of comfort. When you're a kid, ice cream is a signal that everything is going to be okay. When my parents had yelled at me (or anyone else) and had been wrong, they'd say, "Let's go for ice cream," and that was their way of apologizing. Before we left, I went upstairs to my room, stepped into my closet, and pulled my baby blanket from the box I'd placed it in when I'd outgrown sleeping with it. I wrapped it around my neck as I had as a child and Camia took my hand, escorting me down the stairs.
After finishing our comfort food, Camia and I went to her house, I certainly didn't want to go back to mine.
"I just feel like my life is over, you know? I've been playing music for over half my life!" My lip trembled even though I felt I'd cried all my tears away.
"I don't understand, but I know it must be hard. We will get over this Zac. This is just a small bump, okay, this is a fairly large mountain that we're climbing here, but they say, once you're at the top, the rest is downhill. So if we can just reach that top..."
"It will be very hard. I'm fighting depression as it is, I mean, Camia...I don't know how to cope here. All my depression leads back to Taylor now that I think of it. I'm either depressed because I'm jealous of him, or depressed now because I'm so fed up with him I almost don't care about him."
"Don't say that, he's still your brother, not even this could ruin that." I looked right into Camia's eyes. "Or maybe it could, but Zac, you can't let this get you down, you can't let him win. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. Can you imagine what Isaac is going through right now? He has got to be worse than you and you have to be there for him. And the kids are going to be confused, you have to be there for them."
"That's true, I have to be strong for them."
"And I'll be strong for you," Camia smiled at me. It was nice to see a smile again. I attempted to smile, but only succeeded in releasing what felt like my last few tears. Camia took me into her arms and squeezed me close to her. "I love you Zac."
"I love you too."
Isaac
I didn't know what to do, what to think or what to say. Two people that I'd loved immensely, had deceived me, betrayed me, pulled the wool over my eyes; there are so many ways to say that they hurt me deep down its not even funny. After my burst of anger, I was left with this agonizingly empty feeling and deep sadness. I started writing down my feelings, but all I could think to write was either, "DIE TAYLOR," or "DIE MELISSA," and that wasn't sufficient enough for me. This was the first time I had ever had something affect me so greatly, that I didn't know how to describe it in words. How to write out that I felt Taylor had some secret hate for me, or that Melissa had just played me like a deck of cards, or that two of the people I loved most in my life, and that I confided in, put me into a position where I felt I could trust absolutely no one. I didn't even feel like I could trust mom right now, and she'd been good to me my whole life. I was now something I thought I'd never be when it came to trusting people I already knew and cared about - scared. I was so damaged emotionally from this, I'm sure I'd ever trust anyone again. The only one I can trust is God, and that's because He never steers me wrong. Melissa is guaranteed never to earn my trust back again, but Taylor, I don't know. He'd been my brother for, well, since he was born, and it's so much work to hate him, but he brought it upon himself. That's why it hurt twice as bad that he'd been involvoed, and over something so STUPID! It's almost as if he didn't care, well, he'd said that he didn't feel bad, but not feeling bad and not caring are two different things. I really hope he learned a good lesson from this; I know I did. Never trust a living soul, even the ones you think you know CAN turn on you. I wasn't ready to even speak to Taylor, but I decided to just go and look at him, remind him how much he had hurt me - like rubbing salt into a wound. I got up and knocked on his door, when no one answered I walked in. He was sitting on his bed, scribbling ferociously into his journal and I sat across from him on the floor. He looked up from his journal to me and our eyes locked. His blue eyes seemed jaded and they immediately became watery. When he began to speak, his voice quivered.
"I know you don't believe me, but I am truly sorry. I never thought it would come out like this, and I know you hate me, but I feel terrible and will live with this for the rest of my life. You will get over it and I have to know the fact that I wounded my brother forever. But at least I know this and maybe I can come to terms with that." I just stared at him and allowed a single tear to roll down my cheek. There, a little more salt for you Taylor. I refused to talk to him. "If you could just tell me that you still love me, even though I am a terrible, no, horrible person, here is your chance to be bigger than me Ike. Please," he begged. I stood up, walked to the door, began to leave, then turned back to him.
"Don't call me Ike." I slammed the door and heard him break down into heavy sobs. A small part of me wanted to go back in there to comfort him, which was weird because as I saw it, I was the one who should be comforted. Taylor had willingly revoked all his privileges as my brother, including calling me by a nickname. He would have to re-earn these privileges within the next ten years, because that's the amount of time I figured I would go without talking to him. Mom and dad were sitting on my bed when I walked back into my room. I smiled half-heartedly at them. Okay, I still trusted mom and dad.
"Hi baby," mom patted the spot next to her. I layed down, putting my head in her lap and she stroked my hair. "I don't know what to do to tell you the truth. No punshiment will hurt Taylor other than his own guilt. And I know you will make it through this. You will have scars from it, but you will make it out alive. Personally, I don't think Taylor will go very long without driving himself crazy Isaac. We may have to have him locked up. I mean, if I have instilled any values in that child, he will go nuts just thinking about what he did. I don't know if that's better or worse than any punshiment your father and I could have put on him. I really don't know what to do."
"I think that me not talking to him is already ripping him apart. I can't say that he doesn't deserve it, but I feel like I'm the cause of his pain," I felt the urge to cry, but there seemed to be no tears left.
"No, no. If anyone is at fault here it's Taylor. He brought it upon himself when he commited that disrespectful act. It is certainly not your fault."
"I know, but I just wish I could have found out earlier, so I could have saved myself a lot of trouble. Taylor takes everything away from everyone.....he always has. I should have seen this coming a long time ago."
"Isaac, please stop trying to pin this on yourself. It wasn't your fault in anyway. I'm sure May feels betrayed as well, probably not near as much as you. Maybe you guys can talk it out because you know exactly how you each feel. Try giving her a call, she probably needs solace anyway," mom suggested.
"It might be good for me, I'll try that."
"We love you Ike," dad hugged me. We kind of had a group hug and my parents left. I picked up the phone to call May.
Taylor
Mom and dad came in and told me that even though I did something so horrible and disrespectful to my brother, that they still loved me and all that bull shit. I asked them, nicely as possible, to please leave me alone with my thoughts. That was where I made my mistake - I thought about what I'd done. The next thing I know, I climbed into the bathtub with water so hot it almost scalded my skin. I layed there, trying to let my body relax some, when I spotted it. It was the key to my freedom, the key that would unlock the door to all my problems. I got out of the bathtub, walked back into my room and grabbed a pen and paper. I took these important tools and returned to the comfort of the tub. I heard its easier to write in the tub because you're relaxed, but I never tried it. I finished writing after about ten minutes, then grabbed the key to my final destination. It was shiny new razor Ik...Isaac had purchased just yesterday to shave for Melissa. He'd been preparing for the lovely surprise he had for her later that day. I removed a blade and ran it across the tip of my finger and dunked it in the water. I saw the skin slice and a thin ribbon of blood flowed up from it immediately. When I doused it in water, I felt nothing. I then smiled to myself. Here I come freedom. I then took the razor and pressed it deeply into my left wrist. It stung at first, but then, as the water rushed into the cut, I felt nothing. I took the razor into my mouth and pressed it into my right wrist and then watched as the razor dropped from my mouth and sunk to my stomach. Finally, I layed back and glanced at the note. I recited it my head as the life freely flowed from my wrists.
Dear Family and Friends,
I'm sorry this had to be done this way, but I felt there was no way I could live with myself after this anymore. At first I felt as if I'd done nothing really wrong, but then I realized I'd ruined not one, not two, but four people's lives, mine included. I just can't live with the guilt of knowing what I did to Isaac, Melissa, May and myself. I know you are all out of tears, so don't cry for me, cry for yourselves. I'm gone now and will never return, and by the time I see you all again, maybe I'll regret this. Who knows? The only thing I know is that right now, this is the best thing for everyone. But I'm going to write a small message to let EVERYONE know I love them.
Zoe - I'm so sorry you never got to know me, well, no I'm not. I'm glad you didn't because you would have been disappointed. I'm sorry you didn't know the old me. Watch the videos of me and your brothers and you will find out what I was really like, I wasn't always completely selfish. I hope you do great things in your life. I love you and will miss you.
Mackenzie - I'm sorry that I wasn't a better brother for you, and I'm sorry I had to pull out so early in your life. I'm sorry I'll miss helping you out in life as your brother, but now, being a brother isn't something I'm very proud of. I'm sorry we had to split like this. I love you and will miss you too.
Avery - You are such a pretty little girl now, I'm sorry I won't get to chase off your boyfriends like we did to Jess that one time. I hope you'll keep all of our good memories locked up in your head. Please don't follow in my footsteps. I love you and will miss you as well.
Jessica - I will miss you a lot because you were the first girl. I remember when you were born and mom was so excited she was finally having a girl. I hope you remember all the cool things we did, and that I was a good brother to you for the most part. I also love and will miss you.
Zachary - Oh man, where to start. Zac, you made me so proud! You were my first little brother! I never got to tell you I was proud of you, but I was. For once I got to take care of someone instead of Isaac always taking care of me. Even thought I never told you, I loved when you use to follow me around and when you wanted to be just like me. I remember when you would wear the same outfits as me, and although I told you I hated it and to stop copying me, it felt so nice to know someone wanted to be like me. Please don't become what I have - and keep a hold on Camia. She's a nice girl who loves you. I had one of those, but I let her down. I love you and will never forget our memories together Zac. Thanks for being a great brother. I'll miss you.
Isaac - If I knew how to start this one I would, but I don't. Ike, I will miss you so much, you will never know. I can never take back what I did to you, but I'm trying to make up for it by this. Maybe if I'm gone, you won't be reminded daily of what happened and you can easily move on with your life. We've been through so much Ike. We were around for the birth of all of our younger siblings, we took care of them, we created a band from scratch, we made the band and we made the hits. If there was one thing I wish I could do over, it would be to totally erase what I did, but since I can't, I am begging your forgiveness. I know its going to be too late by the time you get this, but I just want you to know that I love you and will always remember the good times we had. Remember when I followed you around all the time, and you were nice to me, not like I was with Zac. You took both of us under your wing and were like a second father in watching over us. I'll never forget you for that.
Mom - What is there to say? You love me even when I'm really bad, so feel no pity for me. I'm taking the easy way out ma, I'm sorry that I have to do this. It's not your fault at all, its no ones fault but my own, I know that. I would go crazy if I had to live with what I did, so that's why I'm ending my pain now. I love you so much, thank you for everything you've ever done for me mommy. I love you.
Dad - You were always there, always ready to talk, always there to give a hug. I'll never forget anything you ever did dad, never. I love you so much and I want you to know this wasn't your fault either. I don't want anyone blaming this on themselves, if you don't, you're smart and saving yourselves a lot of trouble. Thanks dad, I love you.
Camia - I know we knew each other fairly well and I'm going to miss you a lot! You were like the 8th Hanson child to me and I want you to know that I always felt that open to you. Please please take good care of Zac for me. I hope you two get married and have beautiful children and a wonderful life.
May - I'm really sorry about what I did to you. I know you don't care, and are probably glad I'm dead. I was only going to use you and leave you anyway, so you're better off without me. After the "incident," I was so consumed by the guilt of the secret. This is not your fault either. I just wanted you to know that I apologize for wanting to use you, not all guys are assholes like me, so please don't lose trust in men because of me. There is not enough time for me to say I'm sorry enough times, but just know I'm more than extremely sorry for the pain I caused you.
Mel - I'm sorry our kid will never get to meet me. Tell him I died in a plane crash or something because I can't bear to let her or him know what a coward I am. I am sorry that all of this happened and that I ruined your life as well as everyone elses'.
Fans - Well, where to start. I want this to be told to every fan. I know I was like the "heartthrob" of the band, but I was nothing to swoon over. I had a terrible personality, and I hurt the ones I loved, so there is no reason to respect me or love me or cry for me. The only thing you guys should be really sad about is that one way or another, whether I am alive or dead, Hanson would have broken up. Please enjoy what you have and appreciate it, because you can lose it any second, take my word. Enjoy the music too, because there will be no more. I'm sorry I died like this, but I really had no choice. There are extenuating circumstances to my death and I'll leave the decision of making it known up to Isaac. If he wants the world to know my ignominy, so be it. Again, I'm sorry.
I love you all and will never be able to replace you. I wish there was another way, but right now, this is the only viable option. Goodbye forever.
Love,
TAYLOR
I'd already begun to feel myself slipping away, and my eyes fluttered. I opened my eyes widely and took one last look around. Here I come God. I then closed my eyes for the last time.
Back to Stories Page
HOME
Email: blackkatt1983@hotmail.com