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Touched By An Angel
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"Casey, I don't know where you are, but I have a surprise for you, call me back!" That was the message I left on the answering machine. About fifteen minutes later, the phone rang.
"Hey Case, guess what."
"What?" She asked excitedly.
"I got backstage passes to the concert!!!!!!!!!"
"Nuh, uh.......OH MY GOSH! NO WAY!" The Hanson concert was in a week.
"I can't wait!!!! You're FINALLY going to meet Hanson!"
"WOW!" She was still in shock, but finally she took a deep breath and yelled a big old, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hehe, I was hoping you'd like that. Good birthday present?" I grinned.
"EEE, YES, I LOVE YOU!!!!! COME OVER SO I CAN GIVE YOU A HUG!!!"
"Don't you have that band parade thing soon?"
"Yeah, but I don't have to leave for another half hour. I just want a hug."
"Awww, okay, I'll bring your BACKSTAGE PASS too!"
"YAAAAAAAAAY! I LOVE YOU! Bye!"
"Bye!" I hung up, grabbed the passes, and bolted out the door.
"Wow, they're all glossy-like!" Casey ran her finger over the three gorgeous faces.
"Yep, thats cause they're laminated!"
"Thank you so much! They're bootyful!" We laughed and she hugged me about half a million times.
"I love you, see you soon," I waved to her, getting into my car.
"Love you too! Kisses! Hugs! BYE!" She was blowing kisses and grinning from ear to ear. I loved how enthusiastic she could be sometimes. I was only with Casey for about fifteen minutes and then she had to go, but it had felt like the best day we'd ever spent together.
Nothing could prepare me for the sudden chill I got. I'd left Casey's house about an hour ago, and Casey had mentioned it would be over in two hours. I couldn't wait to see her again, but then I got that terrible chill. Something was terribly wrong. I ran to my parents room and turned their T.V. on to channel two, where a news break was running across the screen. My heart dropped at the horrific sights. The cameras were zoomed in on a car that was pretty smashed up. I immediately thought Casey had been in the opposing car, and was hurt in the car wreck. I finally listened to what the reporter was saying.
"...the five girls were marching with all the others, playing their instruments and putting on a show for the surrounding parade goers. The parade was interrupted when this car came crashing through a blocked off street and into the girls. The driver was speeding away from police, who were going to do a routine stop because the man ran a stopsign. The girls were taken to Parkland Memorial hospital. Their conditions are unknown, wait, I just got word that one of them has died." The words stung like a thousand bee stings in the same spot. I knew it was Casey, and upon knowing that, I burst into tears.
I woke up, not even caring what time it was. I'd gotten off work a week for personal tragedy/funeral. I'd gotten the call from Casey's mom, Jamie, about ten minutes after I'd seen the news. I calmed myself and went over to her house, talking and crying with her.
"Farrah, I almost didn't recognize her, the whole side of her face was caved in...it was horrible," Jamie cried, telling me about having to identify Casey. I ran to the bathroom, feeling the vomit in the back of my throat, and ejecting it into the toilet evertime I thought about my best friend's face being caved in. After I'd lost just about everything, I went to the kitchen and drank water. Lord knows I was dehydrated enough without the vomiting. When we calmed down a bit, we started making funeral arrangements. I picked out the dress Casey would wear, even though it would be a closed casket. We talked well into the night and early morning, there was no way we could sleep.
I arrived home, looking like I had died. I went into the bathroom to wash my face, and what I saw scared me. My skin was pale, my eyes sunken in, bags hanging under them, red, irritated eyes, and it seemed thinner. I hadn't eaten in over twelve hours, but I don't think that would be why it looked so thin. I felt about like how I looked. It felt as if someone had stolen a part of me! Why couldn't it have been me? I have lived three years longer on this earth! She had such a bright future! I felt the tears coming again. Casey didn't deserve to die...why couldn't it have been me? WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME?!?!?!?! My tears were a combination of mourning and anger. I had lived seventeen years and she had been cut off at fourteen, WHY? Then it dawned on me. Her birthday was the day before the concert. I drove to the store and I got a couple things, then stopped at her house. Jamie and I went out and bought every newspaper with the headline on it, and taped every newscast of footage and such. I don't think I'd ever felt that close to Jamie before. We sat in a meditational silence for a few moments and Jamie suddenly spoke.
"Farrah, I'd like you to do the eulogy for Casey's funeral, please. I know it will be hard, but you knew her probably even better than I." The funeral was tomorrow and I wasn't sure if I could do it.
"I don't know..."
"Please Farrah.....you know it would have meant a lot to Casey." She knew she struck a chord there, and I nodded my head, eyes filling once again. I then remembered the concert in four days. The tears really began coming then, cause I knew her first chance to meet Hanson had been ruined by her mother, and now the second chance was blown by this man that I didn't know. The one I hated with such a passion, that I wanted to ram him with my own car. I then became angry with Jamie for not letting Casey go with me the day I met Hanson, and I left soon after.
After taking a shower for the first time since the last day I'd seen Casey, and sleeping for twelve hours, I was prepared for the funeral. I had a nice black dress on, with my big black shoes. I'd written the eulogy after taking a three hour nap, and after it, I had fallen asleep for the other nine hours. I had yet to eat. I just wasn't hungry, I was too busy thinking about other things.
"Eat or you'll faint," my mother shoved toast at me. My family had practically adopted Casey, so they were very upset as well. My mom had made me breakfast and I'd pushed it away. Finally, she just gave me two options, "Eat, or don't go. Those are your choices Farrah." I ate every last bite.
"...and now, we're going to have a few words from Casey's best friend, Farrah Machak," the minister summoned me. I got up from my seat, smoothing out my dress, then walked up to the podium. I approached the casket, placing a rose on the top with a card attatched to it, and walked back to the podium. I then took a c.d. player that I had asked be placed on the stage, and pushed play.
"Sorry, I have to have a soundtrack with my eulogy. It is a compilation of songs that have a deep meaning between Casey and myself." The first song was, "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler. I took a deep breath, then started. I didn't have my written speech; I realized it wasn't from the heart if I was reading it from a paper.
"Okay, Casey Kathryn Kinser, the sweetest and most caring friend I ever had. She was always there for me, and I for her. She was the only one who actually put up with my whining over and over and over," I smiled, "and the only one who I knew actually listened to, and cared about my problems. Her personality outshined her beautiful face, and no matter how hard I tried to be like her, I ended up being more like my mother." I got a few heart-felt smiles from the audience of people that I knew. "She was the world to me. When we were together, there was this magic that surrounded us, this powerful bond. We could have fun doing anything and everything. I don't know how to explain how wonderful she really was. The day I told her that I wanted to be just like her, do you know what she said? She said, "I don't know why." She was so wrapped up with things in her life, she failed to see what a kind, giving, sweet, friendly, wonderful, patient, caring, and beautiful person she was. She couldn't fathom that out of everyone, I was the one who wanted to be just like her. I wish I was her now. She didn't deserve to die, she was suppose to have a whole lifetime on this earth, and marry Zac Hanson. She was suppose to become something, her future was so bright!" I became very upset and had to stop for a moment. Then, as if an angel entered the room, the emotions of anger toward the man who killed her, the emotions of saddness that she was gone, the emotions of emptiness that filled my soul all disappeared. I looked up and smiled, "But friends, family, we shouldn't be so upset. Casey is now living it up in Heaven! We should be rejoycing her death! She's better off than all of us put together. And with that, we should all yell, FAREWELL Casey! WE LOVE YOU AND WE'LL SEE YOU SOON!" That's when I remember that the last thing I'd said to her had been, "I love you, see you soon." I knew that the sudden change in my mood had been caused by Casey's presence. I stepped down from the podium and the funeral went into the closing. I was now smiling ear to ear, still crying.
The concert. I fought with myself for a good couple hours over if I should go or not, knowing that rightfully, Casey should be with me. I fell into a fitful sleep, my c.d. player softly singing "Dying To Be Alive." I began dreaming of the song, and suddenly, I was in a room with Casey. I began crying.
"I heard you crying, somebody stole my soul," she laughed.
"That goes nicely doesn't it?" Tears streamed down my face.
"Don't cry."
"I miss you so much though," I sniffled, feeling that sudden comfort that I'd felt at the funeral.
"I miss you too, but you were right, I'm in a better place."
"I knew you were there. I felt you. You heard what I said right? Casey, there's so much we have to talk about."
"And so little time for you. But I want you to go to the concert. Tell them how much they have affected you. You have been listening to "With You in Your Dreams" non-stop since I died, and you just changed today. Tell them how they've affected you in the past, keeping you from killing yourself and such. Farrah, go..." I then woke up to the neighbors cutting grass. I wanted to kill them. I had heard somewhere that if you talk to someone who is deceased in your dreams, you're really talking to them! I'd finally gotten to talk to Casey and the stupid neighbors killed it. But I knew what I had to do now.
I mustered the courage to visit Casey's gravesite for the first time since her burial. It was her birthday, so I had to come. I placed the ritualistic card, sealed in a plastic bag, on the freshly dug ground. The card had just been another inside joke between us.
"Case, I know you can hear me. Happy Birthday! I wish you could be here to celebrate it with me. I made you this!" I pulled a black book from my bag. "It has tons of pictures of us! From ninty-seven, to two-thousand. There are concert pics, Taylor doing the funky chicken, me and you just hanging out, our summer trips together, everything. Everything our friendship was built on, and everything our friendship was worth. I just wanted to show it to you, but I'm going to keep it, okay? I didn't think you'd mind." I went and showed her gravesite every picture.
The concert. I arrived alone. The first concert I'd been to without her since 1998. I flashed my backstage pass to the guard and he took me to the meet and greet line. In line, I began crying. Casey should have been next to me, excited as ever, to meet Hanson for the first time. I was the last one in line, and the girl in front of me looked back, gave me a bad look, then snorted, "Teeny." I had to ignore her for fear I would inflict much pain on her. She had no idea why I was crying. As I approached Zac, I knew how giggly Casey would have been. I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself, then reached my hand out.
"What's your name, and whats wrong?" He asked, sounding slightly concerned. He knew what crying teenies looked like, and he knew I wasn't one of them.
"Farrah, and I have so much to say, in so little time. I know you guys have to go, so I'll make this quick." Since I'd been the last, the other girls had left, and Taylor and Isaac had come over to Zac's summoning. "Did you hear about the car colliding with the girls in the band parade?" All three nodded their heads. "The one that died was my best friend. Her birthday was the day after she died, and today she should be here with me, meeting you guys for the first time. I wasn't even going to come today, but I had a dream in which she urged me to. She also urged me to thank you guys for everything you've done for us, er, me. You don't know that you've saved me from a suicidal time in my life, you don't know that you brought my best friend and I together, you don't know how many concerts we'd been too, and you don't even know that I've met you before, but you do know that you touch people in some way or another. I hope. Cause you have touched my life numerous times, and in the last few days, I've listened to "With You In Your Dreams" more than I ever did "MMMBop" and I listened to that for about six months straight. I concentrate on the meaning of every word, every oooh, every ahh in that song...and I just wanted to thank you." They were all speechless, no pun intended. They just kind of stared at me for a second, eyes brimmed with tears.
"No, thank you," Zac was the first to attempt conversation. "Thank you for being such a great fan. There's always one or two a year that touch us, and you have thoroughly succeeded."
"Yes. Gosh, I don't know what to say. Thank you and your welcome I guess," Taylor's tears began spilling down his cheeks.
"How can we help you?" Isaac asked.
"All I wanted was to know that you guys knew how much your music meant to us. We weren't fans because of how you guys look, or act, or even because you were famous, we just liked the music. Everything else was a plus. I also wanted you to know that there are true fans out there, not all of them are screaming, crying, fainting, grabbing, groveling teenyboppers, who can't control their hormones for two hours while the most amazing band in the world plays a few songs. I wanted you to know that we cared, and I still do." On that note, Zac approached me and hugged me. Taylor and Isaac followed suit, and they invited me to talk after the concert.
"I don't know guys. One of my dreams was to just hang out, see where you get inspiration, see where you get lyrics, see how you are when there aren't nine million girls' eyes on you, but I don't know." I then realized this was probably Casey pulling strings for me in Heaven to make a dream of mine come true. I'd made hers come true, well, attempted to. If she hadn't have died, her dream of meeting Hanson would have come true because I got those b.s. passes.
"Please, we'd love to hear more about your friendship and all," Taylor begged.
"Okay. I never thought I'd see the day when one of my favorite band's members was begging me to hang out with them," I laughed, as did they.
My seats were bumped up to first row, and I enjoyed the concert, despite the empty feeling of Casey and I not looking at each other from time to time and grinning. I just felt lucky to be alive at that point. Immediately after the show, a body guard took me to my car, and told me to follow him. He lead me to their hotel, and then to their room. I knocked lightly on the door. Taylor opened it.
"Oh, hey! Come on in."
"Thanks." I walked in to see Isaac draped over a chair, reading a book, some guy was on the chair reading a magazine, Zac playing a video game against another guy I didn't recognize, and a different guy was on the bed, listening to a c.d. player.
"Guys, she's here," Taylor accumulated their attention. They looked up and put whatever they were doing down.
"Yeah, I'm here," I grinned.
"Farrah, the reason we invited you to share your stories of best friendship with us, is because tonight is, oddly enough, the night each of us was permissed to bring our best friend to the concert. You know, since Dallas is only a five hour drive and all, it was all okay. We can't imagine what we would do without our friends, and we want to learn not to take them for granted. My best friend is Mike, Mike meet Farrah." I shook Mike's hand.
"Nice to meet you," I smiled. Zac then brought his best friend up.
"Farrah, this is Zack, with a K."
"Hi Zack with a K," I shook his hand as well.
"Hi Farrah," Zack smiled.
"Farrah, I'd like you to meet Andrew, or Andy as I call him," Isaac shoved Andy into me. "I am SO SORRY Andy! Didn't mean to push you that hard," he beamed.
"Hi Farrah, Ike, you're dead!" Andy tackled Isaac to the floor. While I was amused with watching them, Zac got my attention.
"What's that under your arm?" He pointed to my black book, I'd brought it to show them.
"Photos of concerts, candids, and crap. Just me and Case being ourselves."
"Can I see?"
"Well, I certainly didn't bring them to sit on," I smiled. I felt so at ease with them. The first time I'd met Hanson, I was always thinking too much to notice anything else. I was thinking, "Don't screw up," "Don't act like a teeny," "Don't ask that, don't ask this," and things, but now, words came very simply. I sat on a bed, and they all gathered around me. I went through the whole book, explaining every picture in detail. I continued to tell them stories of Casey and I's adventures and how we related things to Hanson, what we thought about, and how excited we use to get together.
"So, the moral of the story is cherish your best friend now, because you never know when God will get jealous of all the fun you're having, and take them back so He can party with them. And always, ALWAYS say I love you. I learned that long ago, and I was glad I did, because I can say that the last thing I said to her was, I love you." I looked around and all six guys were in tears, hugging each other. I began crying, wishing that I could hug Casey. Taylor and Mike, Andy and Isaac, Zac and Zack, all best friends, all caring, all with each other. Each of them were talking to one another.
"I love you Zack, don't you dare ever leave me, cause I'll kill you!" Zac threatened jokingly.
"Ike, don't die on me. I won't know how to live without knowing you won't get me anymore chicks!" Andy laughed.
"Tay, I swear, if you die, I'll kill myself. We'll go hand in hand," Mike snickered, "baaaad pun."
"You guys are making me jealous," I sniffled, wiping my eyes. They looked at each other, made a circle around me, and hugged me all at once. "Circle of love." They let go, and Andy dropped my black book on the floor. A few papers scattered and he picked them up, apologizing.
"What is this?" He asked, reading one.
"Those are poems I wrote. One, I realized, is very ironic," I took them from his hands. "Would you like me to read them?"
"Sure, I'd love to hear them," Taylor sat down.
"Me too," the others agreed.
I cleared my throat and picked the first one up. "The first one is titled, Best Friendship.
My loving friend,
Who'll always care,
Whenever I need her,
I know she's there.
No matter the problem,
Or how many tears,
I know I can share with her,
All of my fears.
The love goes both ways,
I'm there for her too,
We talk of dreams,
That we think should come true.
This bond is special,
And few get involved,
Best Friendship,
Is what it's called."
Again, I had the guys in tears.
"What's the next one?" Andy asked.
"The next one is Sorrow and Gloom.
As wind blew quick,
Leaves fell beneath the tree,
Sorrow and gloom,
Were brought back to me.
I wished I could hold her tight,
In my arms,
And I'll remembered forever,
Her wonderful charms.
She died that night.
I lay awake.
God rest her soul,
That He did take.
Forgive me now,
And call me selfish,
But one more chance,
Is all I wish.
One more day,
One more minute,
To show my appreciation,
Of her friendship.
I write this poem,
As she sleeps,
Restful forever,
My heart she keeps."
Tears again were flowing heavily. The guys now had their arms around each other.
"Anymore?" Isaac asked, wiping his tears away. It made me think of a ritual Casey and I use to do. Whenever I would laugh so hard I cried, or yawned and a tear came out, I would wipe it off with one finger, and put it in the center of Casey's palm. I called it the Tear Giver.
"Hold on, everyone hold out your left hand. I just remembered something Case and I use to do." I taught them the Tear Giver, then I did it to each of them. "Now we are each bonded to one another." I picked up the last two pieces of paper. "Two more guys, just two more." I inhaled, then read, "Where Love Once Was,
Lonely teardrops fall,
From my watery eyes.
The place in my heart,
Where love once was,
Is now an empty, black void,
Which I has no control,
Who can fill this black hole?
Who can fill my life with love again?
Who will be the next best friend?"
"One more guys," Taylor attempted to hold their attention. Each was crying on one anothers shoulders. I got another wave of missing Casey.
"Last one. This is the ironic one. Casey and I wrote it together. It's called Too Young To Die.
A life slips through,
The sands of time.
People will miss them,
Because of the crime.
Too young to die,
They weren't suppose to go
By the hand of another,
To the Heavenly Lord they flow.
The lives that were young,
Too young to die,
Will last forever with God,
Despite the earthly cry."
"Well Case, I went, and hung out with Hanson for you. I thank you so much for that opportunity. I know it was all you," I spoke to the grave again. "They said they'd write me and call me, we'll see. You can keep them on the ball for me. After the tour, they might have me come up and visit them even. Taylor said I should write songs, he thinks my poetry is fantastic. I just might like him for real this time Case. Not jokingly like we use to, but for real. He's really a sweet, caring guy. I don't know if he likes me though, you know how you and I were always modest when it came to guys liking us. They always have to make the first move, otherwise we don't know." I continued talking to her the rest of the afternoon. In a way, visiting her grave was a type of therapy. I was talking out my problems and such with my best friend, even though she wasn't directly there. There or not, I had shared the experience of being touched, by an angel.
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