A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
The husband asks for sex.
The wife says, "No."
Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She responds, "Yes."
He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."
Stupid People
CPR
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Genie
Things to do in an elevator
No Peeking
Cheater
JuryDuty
12Pack
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy
Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an
answer on his test.
This went on throughout the entire
exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to
interrogate the student's test-taking habit.
"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something
interesting written on your palm?"
"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."
Judge
: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror
in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night.We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling
I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase
and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend
and her parents. He asks
if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone
starts eating. The girl leans over and says,
"You never told me that you
were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says,
"You never
told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
1) Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the
elevator.
2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone
gets on, ask
if they have an appointment.
3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to
play.
4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if
they hear
something ticking.
5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures
and exits with the passengers.
6) Ask, "did you feel that?"
7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't
panic. They'll open up again."
9) Swat at flies that don't exist.
10) Tell people that you can see their aura.
11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.
12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut
up. All of you. Just Shut up!!!"
13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering
inside, as "Got
enough air in there?"
14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall,
without getting off.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in
horror,
"You're one of THEM," and back away slowly.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but
push the wrong
ones.
20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then
announce "I
have new socks on."
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and
announce to the
other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"
22) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap
them on the
shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask
if they know
what floor you're on.
25) Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for
your friend.
After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's
your day
been?"
26) Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick
it up, and
then scream "That's mine!"
A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted
island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in
the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life.
Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man.
Days and
weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning,
noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a
wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there
something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind,
putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says, "if it'll
help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little
mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want,
sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge
of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of
the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet
up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing
just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a
bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him
one wish.
The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks
the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says
"Master, these people have been at war since time began. It
is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask
is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot
grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK," the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken
me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own,
without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT,
because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"
The Genie thinks for a moment and says; "Let me see that map
again…"
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask
them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't
see
your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and
there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend
comes over and "Say - hay,
you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up
once or twice a week to see
how
many boxes it takes. Here's your
sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled
his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass
and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope
- Talked
'em
into giving up. Here's your sign.
I was watching one
of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing
a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to
test
it. "All right
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They
want
you to
jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when
they
bite
you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"
Last
time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of
those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I
said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just
swelled
right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell
our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car
around for about 45 minutes. We get back to
the
house, he gets out of
the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then goes, "Darn that's
hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could
have
stopped
him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck
and I
couldn't
get
it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
and eventually a local
cop
shows up to take the report. He went through
his basic questioning..ok..no
problem. I thought sure he was clear of
needing a sign ...until he asked
"So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't
help myself! I looked at him
looked
back at the rig and then back to him
and said "no I'm delivering' a
bridge...
here's your sign."
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