The next few weeks were full of e-mail from Taylor declaring his admiration for and happiness over yours truly, and I was also forced to except the realization that the once sacred relationship with my first love was deteriorating. Friends have a funny way of helping you deal with things. They either try to help or try to ignore you and your problems. Some of them talk to you to death and while you appreciate their kindness, you unwillingly sit through lecture after lecture. I began to stop listening to their advice and started listening to my heart. All I could hear was it breaking.

The only thing that gave me joy was talking to Taylor. It started out as a game. I would play along with him until I was given the perfect opportunity to confront him and say he wasn't the Taylor Hanson that I had wanted him to be. Unfortunately, the opportunity never arose. No one except my best friend Cheyanne knew about my newfound friend, Taylor Hanson. I guess you could call it my obsession, but to know the full meaning of the word (as well as stalker), you would have to know what Taylor was going through. I was infatuated with this enigma that was "HiImTay", the completely obvious screen name that seemed too obvious to be true, but yet it could be.

As I sat in English class with Miss Lawson, I thought about Taylor and smiled to myself. I looked across the room instinctively at Alan, who looked like he was deep in thought.

"Psst! Page!" Lauren, my good friend that was sometimes very annoying, whispered. I looked over at her and inconspicuously leaned in to talk to her. I ran my hand through my long hair and pretended to be fixing it.

"There's a party Friday at Craig's house. Are you and Alan going to come?" Lauren asked leaning in closer to me.

"Friday? Um, we could go possibly. . . Alan might have plans." I said without commitment. I didn't want to give away the fact that I didn't know.

"Can't you come without Alan?" Lauren asked with a pleading look. Her big blue eyes were begging me to commit, but honestly the thought of going anywhere where couples were undoubtedly going to inhabit didn't even cross my mind without Alan being in the thought. I was really attached.

"Maybe." I whispered loudly. My attention shuffled to my boyfriend who was trying hard to read "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou, but confusion and boredom were written all over his face. I giggled and he apparently heard me and looked up and smiled at me. I smiled back. His hazel eyes sparkling, he mouthed, "We need to talk."

I nodded in agreement and began reading the book. After class, he hugged and kissed me and walked me to my next class. Something he hadn't done in weeks. As everyone stared and realized we were talking again, I smiled and became ecstatic. Things were looking up for Alan and me. We ended up making plans for Friday night.

"Yeah, Mom and Dad." I smiled redundantly as my parents gave me more instructions and warnings. My parents were leaving me home alone for the entire weekend. Well, until Saturday night when my brothers and sisters came home. They were going on a trip to the Florida Keys and wouldn't be back until Sunday evening. My fourteen year old twin sister and brother, Christopher and Christina were at friend's house's, my nine year old brother Noah and my other sister Noelle, who was seven, was at my Aunt's house. That meant I had this whole night to myself and my parents assumed I would have a few friends sleep over, without even telling me that Alan wasn't allowed, so what did you think I was going to do?

"Bye, sweetie!" My mother said once again hugging me. My father nodded and waved as he got into the car. Unlike my Mom, he wasn't one for big farewells.

"Bye! Have fun, guys." I snickered. I watched them depart and went inside our house to prepare for the night.

I took a shower, ordered a pizza and straightened up the house in a record forty-five minutes. Everything had to be perfect tonight. If nothing was ever going to be perfect again, tonight had to be.

The doorbell announced Alan's presence and I checked in the foyer mirror to double check my appearance. I opened the door and smiled instantly. Alan looked like himself in baggy jeans, a Nautica T-shirt and a pair of sneakers, but he looked cute and normal. That was just the way I wanted him to stay.

"Hey Baby. I'm glad you're here." I smiled kissing him. I folded my arms around his neck and kissed him again.

" I am too." He agreed and kissed me. We kissed intensely and he was running his hands down my back and slowly to my ass. I was wearing a yellow spring dress that was noticeably short and he was taking advantage of it.

"The pizza should be here soon." I replied backing off and taking time to catch my breath.

"I don't want to eat pizza. I want to eat you." He smirked. I laughed loudly and rolled my eyes.

"You are so bad." I wanted to tell him that I would love for him to eat me, but I refrained because the temptation would drive us both insane.

I guided him into our family room and we sat down and flipped on the television to MTV.

"Up next is a video from Hanson. It's called, 'This Time Around' and this video premiered on Making The Video awhile back and it's been off and on the countdown since. Today it's at number eight here, on TRL." Carson Daly said informing the audience. "So, are you totally excited about seeing them in a month?" Alan asked while rubbing the inside of my thigh.

I must have turned deathly pale because Alan asked if I was all right.

"Am I excited? Of course I am! Thank you so much!" I said nervously.

"Are you nervous about something?" He asked totally sensing my emotions. I smiled to myself because I knew he really knew me. I was nervous because the whole backstage/front row thing was forgotten by me. If I was to meet Hanson and my Taylor was the Taylor Hanson that was in Hanson, I was screwed. How could I conceal my feelings for Taylor in front of my boyfriend?

"Nervous? Maybe I am a little. About tonight. . ."I lied.

"Tonight? Why?" He asked unknowingly.

"We are going to have sex." I said nonchalantly.

"Wait! Seriously?" He perked up. I smiled not sure and I secretly hoped he wouldn't be able to totally "perk up". I wasn't sure if I was ready.

He smiled and didn't say a thing. We were silent and the pizza man came on cue. We ate and kept looking at each other and he had a huge smile on his face while I tried to keep the pizza down. It wasn't like I didn't want to have sex with him, because I honestly did want to, but I wasn't sure when.

After dinner, we gradually made it to my bedroom. It suddenly looked so immature and childlike compared to what I was about to do with him. There were dolls on shelves and pictures of celebrities I liked. Alan was sitting on my bean bag chair and playing with one of my stuffed animals. He was just as nervous as I was and it showed.

"Page. . ."He began. He stood up and walked over to where I was sitting on my bed and sat next to me. "I want to make love to you."

"Okay." I whispered.

He kissed my neck softly and I giggled.

"Alan, that tickles." I laughed. He smiled and continued. I began cracking up and collapsed on my bed. He slowly got on top and began kissing me.

"Can I undress you?" He asked. I nodded, unable to say anything. He took off his shirt first and showed his beautiful upper body. He began to unbuckle his belt, until I took over and slid it off of his jeans. He finished taking off his pants and waited until he was left in his boxers. I sat up to give him easy access to the zipper in the back of my dress and he unzipped it.

"Page, I want to do this so bad. This is so perfect." He said enthused.

"Yeah. . ."I replied pulling the dress above my head. He began kissing my neck again and my breasts. If felt incrediblem, and I couldn't deny it. He undid my bra with ease and threw it across the room. He began sucking on my right nipple while managing to utter how much he enjoyed doing it. I bet it wasn't anywhere near how good it made me feel. I felt my insides get wet and told him so.

"Okay. I have to put on a condom." He said as he got up to get one out of his wallet that was in his pant pocket.

"Were you planning on seducing me?" I giggled.

"Of course I was." He winked. He pulled down his boxers and began trying to unwrap the condom.

"Let me help." I said forcefully. He stood directly in front of me and I was face to face with his member. I started stroking him. He closed his eyes and his face had pleasure written all over it.

"Be careful or it will spit at you." He joked. I laughed and began putting the condom on him. "Page, do you know what you're doing?"

"Yes, I know what I'm doing." We had put condoms on before, but they had never been any use. We were always about to have sex, but never gone through with it. His fully erect penis looked really big right then and I wondered if it would hurt.

"It won't hurt. I promise." He said soothingly.

"How do you know?" I asked curiously.

"It won't. Trust me. It happens to every girl at least once." He said truthfully.

"Okay. I love you, Alan. Promise me that you will love me no matter what. If the condom breaks, you will still be here in the morning." I begged.

"I love you." He said showing sincerity. I pulled down my panties and nervously lay down. He got on top of me and kissed me once more. "This is the right thing to do."

"I know." I said He entered me and it felt like he was trying to stick a watermelon in something the size of a grape and I screamed.

"Oh, my God! Are you okay?" He asked pulling out.

"Ow!" I cried. He held me for a few minutes and then he tried again. This time it didn't hurt as much. He slowly started to move back and fourth within me and I slowly started to enjoy it. He was thrusting himself inside of me and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was in heaven. I was happy he was enjoying himself, but I was also feeling left out because I wasn't feeling the same way. He moved so fast and everything seemed like a blur and next thing I knew he shook and let out a huge moan. He caught his breath and pulled out and fell beside me.

"Wow. . ."He said with his eyes closed.

"Yeah." I said looking around my room in a whole different way.

"It was so good." He gushed.

"I guess." I said thinking that there had to be more because that totally sucked. In a mere second, my virginity and childhood was gone.

"You guess? We just lost our virginity to each other." He said offended.

"Uh. . . Well, is that it?" I asked confused.

"You didn't. . .I didn't get you to. . . Oh, man. I'm sorry. We can try again in a few minutes." He offered. I shook my head and began to cry. Why did I allow myself to do that with him? I mean, of course I loved him, but that wasn't worth it. I spent all those years of waiting, and for what? His orgasm accompanied my pain? It wasn't his fault, and I was glad it was with him, but I decided it was all a disappointment.

"Don't cry. It felt incredible being inside of you and we have that moment. You can climax a different time." He said clearly not understanding me. I realized then that he didn't know me at all. He didn't know that what I was feeling was deeper than an orgasm. I felt disgusting and it didn't feel like sex at all. It felt like fucking. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't fulfilling.

"Alan, I'm tired. Maybe you should go home. I need to be alone." I said.

"No. We just made love. . ."

"I know. I really don't feel like talking right now. Please go." I begged. He obeyed me and I sat in bed for a long time afterward thinking about everything. I took a shower and put on my pajamas and found myself signing online.

As I connected with AOL, my buddy list popped up and HiImTay was online. I decided I needed someone to talk to and I IMed him.

*-*Chapter 07*-*
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