*a montage of slides from the previous episode of “Eat Your Way through Middle Earth” with the theme song sung in the back round is played.*
*loud clapping and cheers from the audience as Legolas appears from the wings*
Legolas: Welcome again to another episode of “Eat Your Way through Middle Earth with Legolas and Gimli”.
*stops and looks around.* something is missing….*notices finally that Gimli is not there* Ah! Where is my dear colleague? Oh well, I can do without him.
*Gimli comes crashing down from the ceiling and roars*
Gimli: I’M RIGHT HERE!! Think you could do without me, eh Leggy?
Legolas: How many times have I told you not to call me that?? And look at the damage you did to the ceiling!
Gimli: it’s nothing.
*Legolas heaves an exasperated sigh*
Legolas: Well, today we will be experiencing the hearty meals of the hobbits. *to himself* which are also loaded with cholesterol…
A Hobbit in the Audience: I heard that!
*Legolas ignores hobbit*
Legolas: what’s on our menu today?
Gimli: Veal stuffed with mushrooms, Portobello mushroom soup, and green salad….with mushrooms.
Legolas: I’ve always favored themed dinners…
Gimli: Right. To help us prepare these dishes, we have a special guest who knows much about the art of Shire cooking. Please give a warm welcome to Samwise Gamgee!!
*Hearty applause from the audience as Sam steps in and is appalled at the mess*
Sam: It looks like Merry and Pippin’s knack for disaster has worn off on you two.
Legolas: it was Gimli’s fault.
*Gimli glowers*
Audience Member: GET ON WITH IT!!!
*Sam, Legolas, and Gimli jump and begin to talk fast*
Sam: all right! Let’s make some soup!
Legolas and Gimli together: good idea!
*Sam collects the utensils and then finds that the stove has been crushed by some large mass falling from the ceiling*
Sam: *trying not to make a big deal out of it* Well, it seems our stove is acting up.
Legolas: I told you go on a diet, Gimli. Maybe the “loincloths” are good for something!
Gimli: shut up.
*A person walks in from the wings carrying a huge sign that reads “Technical difficulties. Please stand by.” and the audience becomes agitated*
Sam: errr, no need to get angry! We’ll just practice cooking in the wilderness. I am very good at that. It will be a nice change in our direction!
*Blank stares from the audience*
Legolas: *blinks*
Sam: Legolas, start the fire. *gets a pot and heads to the fireplace*
Gimli: um, Sam, that one is for decoration.
Sam: *sheepishly* oh yeah, right. It looks so real.
Someone in the wings: made by the elves you know!
Legolas: How is it that the people in the wings are able to interrupt so much?
Someone in the wings: sorry!
Sam: stop stalling Legolas, and make the fire! I’ll get the ingredients.
Legolas: Right. This is easy.
*makes several feeble attempts at lighting matches. Tries frantically to get the kindling lit while also trying to make it casual*
Gimli: *whispers to Legolas* easy, eh??
Legolas: Shut up you hippopatomic land mass. You try!!
Gimli: I will then!! You whimpy elves can’t even light a fire!
Legolas: *under his breath* Auta miquala orqu(Which means, “Go kiss an orc” in elvish)
Sam: Enough you two!! Gimli, is the fire ready?
Gimli: Define ready.
Sam: Ready as “we’re never gonna finish this show if you don’t hurry your stubborn rear and get the fire ready.”
Gimli: *clears throat* well, then it’s not quite ready.
*Legolas snickers*
Sam: *sighs* well, then we’ll do the salad while we’re waiting.
Legolas: I’m good at that!! *goes into a lengthy discussion on the importance of greens in your diet*
Sam: err, that’s great Legolas, but we’re making “hobbit salad”, not elvish salad. There is a difference.
Gimli: one has wonderful taste, the other: none.
Legolas: You just envy our slim, girlish figures…
Gimli:…..
Sam: Legolas, here are the directions for hobbit salad. We need ham, cheese, and boiled eggs along with the usual vegetables.
*burst of flames from the direction of Gimli*
Gimli: *as his beard is on fire* The fire is ready!!
Legolas: Gimli!!! *runs around frantically trying to find water. He instead grabs an embroidered potholder and starts whacking Gimli’s beard.*
*audience is roaring with laughter*
*Gimli’s beard is finally extinguished and not much remains.*
Gimli: my beard….*sobs*
Legolas: it’s ok.
Sam: Well, that was an adventure….*puts the ingredients for the soup in* I hope you won’t cause any more catastrophes, Gimli.
Gimli: I hate you.
Legolas: Well, let’s look at the bright side! At least the audience has now lost about 4 pounds each from the laugher you caused.
*Gimli continues to bawl*
Sam: now would be the right time to have a commercial break!
*A high pitched narrator begins*
Narrator: Ever have aches and pains? Burns? Scrapes? War wounds? A nagging wife? Of course you do, we all do, but there is a cure!! Elrond’s all-cure elixir can cure all of these problems and more! See your local retailer for details. We can’t explain it, but you see the results!! warning: this product does not work in the following scenarios: getting stabbed by a ring wraith, being run over by an oiliphaunt, or by being shot three times with orc arrows when you were stupid enough to call them to you with a horn of Gondor.
*Bubbily Irish music signals the return to the show*
Gimli: *now in bandages* I’m gonna get me some of that!
Sam: Now we’re gonna make the veal while the soup is cooking. It’s very easy.
Legolas: I can do that!
Sam: Ok. but first we need to slice the veal.
Gimli: allow me. *he attacks the veal with his ax*
Legolas: dude, it’s already dead!
Gimli: At least it doesn’t take me eons to get a job done!
Legolas: I see your accidents have not caused you to loose your sarcastic attitude.
Sam: *trying to direct the conversation back to cooking* It’s perfect! Now for the stuffing!
*he makes it and instructs Legolas to stuff the veal*
Legolas: *struggling* my, how does one accomplish this? It doesn’t fit.
Sam: That’s why we sew it together.
Legolas. Um…sew? I was never good in home economics…in fact, I was the only guy in that class.
Gimli: that might explain something…
Legolas: go boil your head.
Gimli: getting it barbequed is enough for me.
Sam: *realizes they will not stop and so sews up the veal himself* There!
audience: ooh pretty!
Sam: Ah, the soup is done!! *tastes it* mmm a perfect way to end the day!
Legolas: Thank you Sam for your wonderful demonstrations! *To the audience* Join us next week as we travel to my home in Mirkwood.
Gimli: Be safe, and happy cooking!
*clapping*
Legolas: who’s going to clean up this mess?
