Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Legolas: What now? We haven’t even begun. The theme song hasn’t played yet!
Gimli: *gasping for breath* that’s…..what…I….mean…*hacks*
Legolas: say what? I didn’t hear you my fat colleague.
*Theme song plays and Gimli covers his ears*
Gimli: *trying* WE MUST AWAY ‘ERE BREAK OF DAY TO SEEK THE PALE, ENCHANTED GOLD!! Oh bother, it’s not helping.
Legolas: So that’s it, eh? Don’t worry it’s stopped. Thankfully. You nearly killed all the crew and the audience. Just don’t become too interested in opera, ok?
Gimli:……..
Legolas: Today we’re in my home of Mirkwood where I am a prince you know!
*elvish girls in the audience cheer and hold up various signs that say “You’re mine, Legolas!!” and “Prince of my heart”*
*Gimli stifles a laugh*
Legolas: *clears his throat and tries to ignore his persistent fans* Yes, well there are reasons why we delayed this visit…..
Gimli: So, “Princy-pooh” *Legolas gives him an evil look when he says this* , what are we going to make today?
Legolas: Oh, you’ll love what we have in store for you! *points to the audience. All the elven maidens think its to them and they all faint simultaneously* *Legolas again ignores this* Today we’ll make Vanilla Lembas Dumplings, Valar hair pasta with Bard’s secret sauce, and the main course…..
Gimli: *looking hopeful* yes?? Go on!
Legolas: *With a triumphant smile* stuffed spider legs!!
*Gimli’s hopeful look is replaced with a look of horror.*
Gimli: Right. When you’re not pretty, you don’t get to pick the menu.
Legolas:………
Legolas: Because my good friends here in Mirkwood are out killing some spiders for our main dish, we’ll start with the dessert.
Gimli: *Tone drips with sarcasm* Fresh Spider meat. Happy thought indeed.
Legolas: First, you need to get your Lembas started. Add one cup of….ohhh wait I can’t tell you. It’s a secret recipe you know. *starts getting out utensils*
Gimli: *Adds some ingredients* BAM!!!
Legolas: *Jumps* aiye!
*They finish it and top the dumplings off with the vanilla sauce*
Legolas: *Breathing in deeply* ahhh manifique.
Gimli: *Imitating a Chinese accent* ohh look at dis!
Legolas: Ok you have officially freaked me out now.
Gimli: *grumbles* I try for a little entertainment and what do I get? Thanks? No. “You are so funny Gimli!”? No.
*Legolas rolls his eyes*
Legolas: I wonder what has become of our spider legs? Oh well, no matter. All in due time. Let’s make the Valar hair pasta with Bard’s secret sauce!!
*Gimli adds ingredients*
Gimli: BAM!! *This time while waving his arms with a flourish*
*Legolas eyes his friend with concern for his friend’s mental capacities but decides not to say anything at the moment*
*Meanwhile, the elven girls in the audience steadily grow louder and the chants of “Go go , Leggylocks! Go, go Leggylocks!” and “Leggy, Leggy he’s our elf. He kicked butt at Dwarrowdelf!!” drown out Gimli’s “BAM”s*
*Legolas turns red and tries desperately to get things under control*
Legolas: It is time….for…. A COMMERCIAL BREAK!!
*A monotonous narrator begins*
Narrator: When you get together for a family dinner, what do you put on your food?
*A family is seen sitting on a picnic table with the Lonely Mountain and Laketown in the backround. The dad is barbequing, and the son and wife are setting the table with plastered smiles on their faces.*
Son: Gee dad, what are we going to eat tonight?
Father: Gosh son, don’t you know? We’re having fried Dragon!
Son: Aw, not again!!
Mother: Why don’t we spice it up with Bard’s Secret Sauce?
Son and Father: Yeah! Bard’s Secret Sauce!!
Son: Gee mom, you’re the best.
Narrator: Bard’s Secret Sauce will captivate the mind and ensnare the senses. Buy one today.
*Bubbily music plays and Legolas is wiping the sweat off his face with a towel*
Legolas: Welcome back! As you can see, we have got the spider legs and are ready to stuff! *examines them* Why, they are almost as big as you Gimli!
Gimli: And exactly what is that supposed to mean, pretty elf?
Legolas: Merely an observation, my friend. You really need to lighten up a bit. *Eyes Gimli’s waist and mutters to himself* literally…
Gimli: *Doesn’t hear Legolas’ last remark* eh? what was that?
Legolas: Nothing. Let’s stuff.
*They do so despite Gimli’s face not trying to hide the disgust at such a meal*
*Gimli ends up covered in the spider meat and Legolas is shockingly immaculately clean*
Gimli: Not in the beard! *as he pulls out several leg hairs*
Legolas: I’ve told you, just hack that old beard off. I’m sure there’s a handsome face hiding in there somewhere……maybe.
Gimli: WHY YOU SPAWN OF A FESTERING SESPOOL OF MUCK! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST I HACK OFF THIS BEARD! *Picks up the only weapon in sight. A spider leg*
Legolas: Now hold on one moment, you son-of-a-motherless-oiliphaunt, this is no time to ruin our creations.
Gimli: On guard!
Elven girl in the audience: GO GET HIM LEGGY! Oh he’s sooo dreamy.
Other elven girl in the audience: Maybe he’ll take his shirt off.
*They both faint*
*As Gimli prepares to charge Legolas, a loud beeping comes from the oven*
Legolas: *relieved* Ah, the stuffed spider legs are done!
*He gets them out quickly*
Legolas: And there you have it! Stuffed spider legs, Vanilla Lembas Dumplings, and Valar Hair Pasta with Bard’s Secret Sauce! Thank you for joining us today. Each of the audience members will receive a sample of this delightful meal.
*Gimli gives up on the attack and lays down his leg with a shudder of revulsion as the ending music plays*
*The maidens run down the aisles screaming and nearly knock Legolas over as they shove things for him to autograph into his face*
Legolas: *exasperated* I’ve had enough of this nonsense! *Tries to say in an insulting manner* All of you are embarrassing! Your necks are like the white tower of Ecthelion, and your screaming is like that of a million croaking Crebain from Dunland!
*He stops and lifts his head triumphantly, expecting them to be very insulted. He is quite mortified at the result*
Elven girl #1: Did you hear that? My neck as white as that great, white tower! *sigh*
Elven girl #2: The sound of his voice makes me want to swoon.
Elven girl #3: What’s a Crebain?
Elven girl #4: Tell us about our eyes next, Leggy!!
Legolas: Ummm Gimli!!! *He breaks into a run*
Gimli: Everyone has their own set of problems I guess. Join us next time as we go to the Lonely Mountain…finally!
*Gimli chuckles and runs after Legolas*
