*Theme song plays*
*drum roll is played*
*whistles and shouts from the audience as scenes are played from the previous episodes*
*drum roll ends in a loud BOOM*
*a spotlight is shown on Eomer in the middle of the stage*
Eomer: *pauses a moment to soak in the limelight* Friends……*dramatic pause*…….Rohirrim…..countrymen, lend me your ears! Tonight, you will receive quality entertainment for the first time in live action. No more satellite feed from Minas Tirith! For tonight, they have come……get ready, for the one…..THE only….Legolas and Gimli!!!
*an orchestra out of nowhere begins to play a dramatic rendition of the theme song as Legolas and Gimli walk out from opposite sides of the stage. Legolas is doing a Miss America wave(and you wonder where she got that, huh?) and Gimli holds his arm out in recognition, while also rolling his eyes at his friend*
Legolas: Thank you Eomer! What a wonderful intro….you’ve been working on your projection I see…hard to achieve my charisma but….
*Gimli tries to hold in a strangled wheezing*
Legolas: ….you did really quite well…lets give him a hand, shall we? *claps delicately*
Gimli: *claps on his thigh* *clears his throat* Ah yes, very good. It’s great to be here at Rohan. I remember it was only yesterday when we were here last….such great food then…..so! We shall strive to replicate that….for tonight we are making meat….lots….and LOTS of meat.
Legolas: *sarcastic droll* lots…of calories….and grease….my favorite….
Gimli: *ignores him* I hear Rohan horsemeat is a delicacy…
*Audience shrieks and boos*
Random man: WTF? When did these coots get offensive?
Random woman: Where’s PETA when you need them?
Yet another random man: I want my money back….
Legolas: *loudly whispers behind a raised hand* Ex-nay on the orsemeat-Hay.
Gimli: er, no…that is…I mean…
*crowd is still restless*
Legolas: Moving right along…
*crowd even more restless*
*Legolas desperately tries to regain control of the situation, and jumps into the audience*
*orchestra picks up cue*
Legolas: *singing softly at first, but becomes more and more impassioned* BECAUSE IIIIEEEIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *starts doing Riverdance down the steps back onto the stage* *ends with a flourish of arms and legs*
*Audience is silent*
*Producers gape*
*Gimli is flummoxed*
Legolas: *straightens attire, and through a gritted smile whispers again to Gimli* Don’t you ever make me do that again….
Gimli: *still with mouth open* Where in the heck did you….
Legolas: boy’s choir. all good elf boys are members.
Gimli: I should’ve guessed.
Legolas: Well, now….perhaps a word from our sponsors would be appropriate at this time….
*generic sappy music plays*
*narrator with a French accent begins*
French narrator: Do you have a man in your life with no sense of style?
Elf voiceover: Ohmygosh, do you have a head under that hair?
French narrator: Or more particularly, do you know a rrrrrrrrrranger who needs some fashion advice?
Legolas voiceover: It’s all in the hips…
French narrator: Prepare to be dazzled with the wit and charm of the elves! Watch the most talked about new comedy on ME tv.
*clips from the show begin to play. Haldir is seen next to one of the Dunedin rangers*
Halidir: I’m going to teach you to walk, talk, act like a high prince of the Noldor!
Ranger: *brandishes sword* I’ll teach you how to shutup and leave me alone! I like my life!
French Narrator: But it is not so easy…..
*Legolas is seen*
Legolas: *to the ranger who brandished his sword* Hey, now that’s not nice….*has a book on his head walking through the room*
*Another clip is shown of a ranger’s chest hair being waxed by an elf*
Ranger: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!
French Narrator: Watch the transformation…
Legolas: *talking to the newly waxed ranger* If Aragorn can do it, anyone can….
French Narrator: Don’t miss, “Elf Eye for the Ranger Guy”…..coming soon!
*flips back to Legolas and Gimli*
Gimli: *shuddering* Thankfully, I will never go on that show….
Legolas: Oh, don’t be so sure
Gimli: Over my dead body
Legolas: We have plans for next season
Gimli: *suddenly afraid* Getting back to cooking….we have some great dishes to prepare for you today. Roasted suckling pig….*Legolas fake gags in back round*, Edoras duck, and tips on how to barbeque your favorite wild meats, from that leftover Nazgul steed to the frozen warg buttock in your freezer.
Yet another another random man in the audience: I’ve been wondering how to get rid of that….
Legolas: *jokingly with a fake smile* And since barbeque is the only kind of cooking men in general do, this should be a doozy!
*Producer in the wings gestures wildly for speed*
*stage hands roll out spits, with various partially cooked animals hanging*
*Gimli walks to each and explains the process quickly* Gimli: and this, *points to pig* you turn for hours, so not to burn…
*Legolas in backround: “Burn bad”*
Gimli: *goes to duck* ….and make sure you chop off the head before serving, it could scare the guests….
Legolas: head bad….
Gimli: *goes to other animals* ….and these present some interesting challenges to the manly art of barbeque, all of which can be found on our website…
Legolas: www.eatyourway.me.com *looks at hanging squirrel meat with distaste*
Gimli: *unsure of how to end* You can also…um…join the Legolas and Gimli fan club there! We have message boards and you get cool stuff when you join….like the official Legolas and Gimli embroidered dish towel for all your baking needs…remember, if it isn’t Legolas and Gimli, it isn’t Legolas and Gimli….wait…
Legolas: *hangs his head and sighs* nice going….
Gimli: Well how am I supposed to end the show! The producers made me speed up!
Legolas: *puts a hand on his head and shakes his head* Does the word “subtlety” mean anything to you!?!
Gimli: Does the word “appreciative” mean anything to you?
Legolas: *in an authoritative tone* Appreciative-to have sensitive awareness; especially : recognition of aesthetic values….
Gimli: Why you son of a….
*Legolas ignores him and starts riverdancing again and grabs Gimli with him*
Gimli: *trying to protest* THIS IS UNDIGNIFIED!!
Legolas: *in a dictionary sounding voice* undignified: not showing or expressing the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed…..
Gimli: ALL RIGHT! You’ve made your bloody point.
Legolas: Farewell friends…remember, reading is good for you to build a good vocabulary and… Gimli: *interrupting* and for random explanatory dialogue in films…
Legolas: *regaining his position* AND…the best kind of entertainment is on every week at this time….join us as we go back to our homeland in the garden country of Ithilien! Mozel Tov.
*end credits play*
