Taylor came up to check on me. “Are you ready?” He asked kinda coldly.
“Yeah I’d like to leave now.” What shocked me though. Was not the coldness in the question but the fact that he still wrapped his arm around me. We drove to the Tulsa Memorial Hospital in silence. I avoided all contact of any kind. I was checked into the Psychiatric Ward with Mom, Beth and Tay at my side.
“Well, here we are for the second time.” Beth said quietly. I nodded. She looked over at me close to tears. “I just wish you’d get better.”
“Me too. But I will.” I said as I hugged her. She then left my room, the emotion for once being too much for her. Mom then came to sit by me on my bed.
“You’ll be fine. I promise.” Mom said as she wrapped her arms around me.
“I know.” I said quietly. “I’ve been through this before.”
“I love you so much.” She said softly as she kissed my forehead.
I sighed. “I know. I love you too. It means a lot to me to have you here with me. And I am SO sorry for what I did.” I said as I started crying again.
“Shh…It’s ok. I have to go now.” She looked up towards Taylor, who was standing by the door. Seemingly afraid to be near me. Not that I blamed him. “Taylor, Beth and I will be waiting for you in the car.” She kissed my forehead once more before she left. She gave Taylor a comforting hug as he came closer to me.
Taylor and I just kinda watched each other before he sat down next to me. “Amy, I know you’re upset because you think I’m not angry. But you have to understand that I am SO angry that I don’t know what to do. It’s hard being angry at you now because I don’t know how you’re going to react. I’ve never been so angry before in my life Amy. Never. Even though I haven’t shown it, I am just as angry at you as I am at Zac. But you also have to understand that love over comes everything—even this. And my love will show before my anger—always—no matter what.” He took my hand then kissed me softly. He pulled away and looked deeply into my eyes…searching my soul. Then the words that had gotten me through my depression before softly flowed past his lips. “When you have no light to guide you, and no one to walk beside you, I will come to you, Oh I will come to you. When the night is dark and stormy, you won’t have to reach out for me.” He took both my hands in his. “I will come to you, Oh I will come to you. Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days, and you don’t know how or why but you’ve lost your way, Have no fear when your tears are fallin’” He wiped mine away. “I will hear your spirit callin’, and I swear that I’ll be there come what may. When you have no light to guide you and no one to walk beside you, I will come to you, Oh I will come to you….Na, na, na, na, na ,na, na, na ….’Cause even if we can’t be together, we’ll be friends now and forever. And I swear that I’ll be there come what may. When the night is dark and stormy, you won’t have to reach out for me, I will come to you…oh I will come to you. We all need somebody we can turn to, someone who’ll always understand. So if you feel that your soul is dyin’, and you need the strength to keep tryin’, I’ll reach out and take your hand.” He kissed mine gently. “Na, na…” he faded and brought his lips to mine brushing my cheek. He pulled away. “So when you have no light to guide you, and no one to walk beside you, I will come to you, Oh I will come to you. Whoa-oh, when the night is dark and stormy you won’t have to reach out for me.” He pulled me closer and I snuggled into his shoulder. “I will come to you….Oh I will come…to…you…” He leaned down and kissed me again. He added more passion, which was surprising, but I happily accepted and returned it. I laid back and he followed. “No, I can’t do this. It’s too early.” He got off of me.
“No, it’s ok. I was thinking the same thing.” I said though I desperately wanted it.
“I mean I love you but to just…think…that you were…with…Zac.”
Those words brought guilty, painful tears to my eyes. “I understand.” I choked. “I love you too.” He came back over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Then started his way out my door. “Hey Tay?” He turned around before he got out. “Thanks for singing to me. It meant a lot to me.”
“It meant a lot to me too.” And I was left alone.
~Zac’s P.O.V.~
I waited in the backyard until I saw everyone get in the van with Amy before I went back into the house. The house was so quiet it was scary. It wasn’t just quiet—tension and anger still hung in the air. I decided to go up to my room. The door was open and Caroline was at the computer, talking to someone on ICQ. “Hey, who ya talking to?” I asked. She jumped a little.
“Someone who actually cares about me.” She stated simply.
“Ryan huh?”
“Yeah. You know Zac, he’d never do something like this to me.” She said coldly.
“Then why don’t you go to him!?” I asked angrily. She turned towards me.
“Y’know what? He wants me to. He wants to take care of me. And I’m honestly considering it. I love you but…I just can’t.”
“Caroline, I love you. And only you. I don’t want you to leave me. But I don’t know how to prove my love to you.” Her eyes bore into mine.
“You can’t.” She snapped suddenly. She then turned her back on me and wrote Ryan another message. Well Zac’s here and I don’t know what to do. I love him so much but your open arm—as a good friend—sound so inviting. And the concert sounds great. Let me think about it and I’ll let you know ASAP. Love Care. And not two seconds later she got a message back. Ok, good luck. I know you need all that you can get. Love Ryan She then turned back to look at me. “I don’t know what to do Zachary, I really don’t.”
~Care’s P.O.V~
“Just give me another chance.” He pleaded.
“Zac, I can’t even stand to look at you right now. How am I supposed to give you another chance?”
“I don’t know. But that’s all that I want. Another chance to prove that I love you, to hold you, to kiss you, to make love to you again.” I smiled inwardly to myself at the thought of more incredible sex with him but also cried inside knowing that he was with her first.
“It’s not that easy Zac. You need trust in a relationship to have that. And trust is the one thing we definitely don’t have. In any other relationship, with any other guy—or if I was giving advice to someone—you’d be gone. But I can’t let you go. My love for you is deeper than that.” I looked away. I couldn’t bear to see his face. I couldn’t let him see me cry. He came over and knelt in front of me.
“See? We have the love. Why can’t I have another chance? Why can’t we move past it?”
“Because of this one minor detail—You FUCKED my BEST FRIEND!! I will always love you but I need time to think about this. About what happened. Love is only one emotion and it can’t over come all the others that I’m feeling.”
“Like what?”
“Hurt, anger, frustration, helplessness, despair, fear and desire.” He cocked his eyebrow at the last emotion.
“Desire?”
I nodded. “For some reason I have NEVER wanted you more.”
“They say sex is addictive.” He said coming closer.
“But I don’t want to act on it. It would just fuck up things more.” He still moved closer. He took me by the back of my neck and he held my cheek in his hand.
“Maybe.” He whispered before our lips met. It seemed that once his lips met mine nothing else mattered. I relaxed and opened my mouth to him, letting his tongue play with mine. I ran my fingers through his hair and brought him closer to me. He broke the kiss, smiled, stood up and held his hand out to me. ~No Caroline, don’t do it.~ I thought. I pushed the negative voice to the back of my mind and took his hand. He led me to our bed and then locked both of the doors. ~You shouldn’t be doing this~ The voice called again. ~I know~ I thought back. ~ But I can’t help it. I need this~ I thought as Zac came back to me. I laid back down and took off Zac’s shirt as he began to lay down. He kissed down my neck as his hands went up my shirt—one on my hip, one holding me by my back. He expertly unclasped my bra then lifted my shirt and slid my bra off my shoulders. I felt extremely vulnerable, half naked in front of him, like he would somehow hurt me—again. I closed my eyes and started to cry.
“Shh…no don’t cry. What did I do?” He asked as he got off of me.
“Nothing. I’m just scared that you’ll hurt me.” I whispered as I got up and slipped on my bra.
“No, Caroline, I’d never hurt you.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me.
“And you think that finding out that you slept with Amy Lee didn’t hurt?” I asked. He scooted away slightly.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
“Me too.” I said.
“For what?” He asked, obviously confused.
“For letting this destroy our relationship. And for not keeping you sexually happy.”
“No, Care, it wasn’t your fault at all. It was mine—all mine. Please don’t blame yourself.” And he hugged me close to him. I melted in his embrace. And we just cried together. Him for being so sorry, me because I had to listen to him apologize profusively. I was crying partially because it felt SO GOOD to hear him apologize and partially because I knew I shouldn’t be there listening to him. ~I should hate him, I should hit him and run out on him, I shouldn’t talk to him, I just shouldn’t be here~ But I couldn’t will myself to leave. ~I shouldn’t forgive him so soon. But did I really forgive him? No, I think I’m just caught up in the moment. And there was nothing wrong with that, I had plenty of time to figure this out.~ And with that decision I turned towards Zac and kissed him fully on the lips.
“Shh…I don’t want to hear it.” This obviously confused him because he pulled back and cocked both of his eyebrows. “I can’t handle it right now.”
“Ok..” But he still didn’t move. I crawled closer to him and wrapped my arms around him as I kissed him again. This time he responded instantly, wrapping his arms around me, again unclasping my bra and slipping it off. “You ok?” He asked quietly. I nodded. He then laid me back and focused on my breasts. ~God this feels great.~ I thought as I heard my own breath get shallow. He came back and kissed me sensuously as his left hand found the top of my pants and undid the button. ~You shouldn’t be doing this~ My conscience called. ~Shut up~ I felt my pants get looser and I realized he was doing the zipper too. ~Do I really want to have sex with him again?~ I asked myself. ~No you don’t~ But as Zac’s hand crept into my underwear and she kissed my neck all doubts left my mind. I fucked him again that night. And it felt so right yet so wrong. Wrong because he cheated on me, right because he was making love to me now—not her. “I love you so much.” He whispered, exhausted after we both came.
“I love you too.” I said as I held him close to me. And y’know what? I wasn’t lying. I did love him. With all my heart.
“Can I stay here tonight or would you prefer to be alone?” He asked, his fingers drawing designs along my shoulder.
“I appreciate you asking. But I want you to stay.” He kissed me softly.
“Thank you.”