These are the continuing adventures of a typical resident 
 of the self-proclaimed center of the Pugetopolis universe - 
 Seattle. Most are true stories but some are made of whole-
 cloth. I ain't the Mayor, the Governor or a Big Shot. Just 
 another Working Stiff with a Bad Attitude.

    ------------------------------------------------
    WARNING: This is not a Child-Proof Neighborhood.
    If you're a kid - scram!, beat it! you little
    punk before your Old Lady catches you and calls
    the cops. They'll throw you in the Big House in
    Walla Walla and won't let you out until you're
    89 years old. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.
    -------------------------------------------------

		            - 110 -

 After 8 years on Eskimo North, I'm outta there. Nanook has taken 
 a lot of the fun out of jacking into the Net. Time to move on. 
 The archives have moved to:
           http://www.geocities.com/tofoggymoment
 Address all hate mail to:
           tofoggymoment@yahoo.com
 Have a nice day.

			     - * -

 "Jump bitch! Jump!", screamed Our Guv, the Little Stinker, at the
 lady on the I-5 bridge. Tuesday was more fun than he's had since
 his student days at U Dub when he hired out to the Frat Houses for
 Midget Tosses. First he got to blow-off that whiny Catholic bishop
 who was pleading for the life of the Space Cadet on Death Row, as
 he strung him up anyways. (That stupid schmuck thought they were
 only going to kill-off the 'evil part' of him. Boy! I'll bet he was
 surprised when he found out it was the Full Meal Deal eh.) 

 Then Stinky jumped in the Gubnatorial limo and made a bee-line for 
 the I-5 bridge in Seattle. He rolled down the back window and whipped 
 out his little megaphone yelling, "Jump bitch! Jump! Go for it Baby!
 Jump!" as he hopped up and down on the back seat giggling like an evil 
 dwarf. "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! This is gggrrreeat! A double header!". 
 When she finally did jump and he got the disappointing news that she
 lived, he ordered the A-G to send her the donut bill for all those 
 Cops who stood around watching her. "Maybe she'll get depressed and go
 back to finish the job off", he said with a smirk. "Be sure to call me 
 up right away if she does eh."

 He just couldn't resist calling up his new buddy President Unelected.
 "Monkey Boy! Stinky here! Wow man! You right! It's more fun than sex.
 It's even more fun than jerking-off! I almost had a double-header but
 the Bimbo lived. Dang!" 

 "Wow! Wow! Stinky! You Da Man! I told you it's a lot of fun. It's even 
 better than Daddy's cocaine and cheap Ho's. I can't talk right now.
 President Cheney is here and he don't like me talking to Democrats. 
 Send me email and some pictures OK? And don't forget to have the FBI 
 send me the guy's shorts like you promised. Make sure they put them in 
 a baggie or something OK? Peeyyeeww! They sure stink! I got the biggest
 collection in the whole world. Saddam Hussein said we can be friends
 again if he can come and take a look at them." Numerous giggles and 
 snorts ensued before Governor Stinky responded.

 "Ain't America great! Where else in the world can two Retards like us 
 get to run the whole show, lie our keesters off and trash everything 
 in sight. I gotta go. I'm not finished trashing Washington state yet. 
 The traffic is worse than ever, Boeing's outta here and the ferry fleet
 can't hold out much longer. But this bitch die hard. Just like that 
 Bimbo on the bridge - it just don't want to make the Big Jump. Chow! 
 Chow! Monkey Boy."

 "You right Stinky! You watch. I'll make America look like Mexico by 
 this time next year. Chow! Chow!"

			    - * -

 Kinky Friedman is coming! The former gang-leader of the "Texas Jewboys"
 and author of such legendary Country & Western hits as: "Get Your
 Biscuits In the Oven and Your Buns In the Bed" (winner of the coveted
 National Organization of Women's "Male Chauvinist Pig of the Year"
 musical award), "Asshole From El Passo" and "They Don't Make Jews
 Like Jesus Anymore" will be at the U Dub Bookstore on September 13th
 signing his newest detective novel. He got kind of strung out on 
 cocaine as his musical career went down the toilet in the 70's. While
 recuperating in a small green trailer in his folk's Texas backyard, 
 conversing daily with the armadillos, he began writing detective novels
 heavily laced with Texas Crude. Former President of the United States 
 of America and Leader of the Free World, Bubba Jay Clinton, says
 Kinky is his favorite author and personally endorsed a number of his
 books. Willie Nelson said, "Kinky is the greatest who-dunnit writer
 since Daishell whats-his-face."  Frankly, I like Kinky's music more
 than his novels. Last time I remember him passing through he did a
 musical gig at a local cabaret while book-signing. Hope he does it
 again. He's a genuine American Legend.

 About 3-days later, Jane Goodal will be speaking at Town Hall (the
 old church up by Virginia Mason Hospital). As we are poised within
 the next 10-20 years to completely obliterate all other ape species
 from the face of the earth, she'd like us to pause and consider what
 it is we are doing. She's lived with the wild apes for years and is
 the world's best-known if not most-knowledgeable spokesperson for
 them. She's one gutsy lady.

 Then at the end of the month, Bill Ayers, a former head-Honcho with 
 the Weather Underground back in the 60's will be at U Dub Bookstore
 to sign his new book. As with many other WUO members, he successfully
 evaded for years a massive international FBI manhunt. While the G-Men
 never did catch any of the WUO people or compromise the large and
 complex underground network that concealed them, (no doubt they had
 a couple 'safe houses' in Seattle too) they did manage to get caught 
 themselves. Doh! A bunch of FBI agents were arrested, tried and
 convicted for numerous illegal activities associated with their WUO
 search and did time in the Joint. Ronny Ray-gun let them out early.
 Meanwhile, Bill and a number of other ex-WUO people eventually turned
 themselves in, did some token time, then went back to Raise'n the Roof.

                            - * -

 Wasn't that sweet of the Times to dust off ex-Mayor Rice and haul him
 out of the corporate dumpster for a chat about the State of the City?
 It was even sweeter that they didn't ask him any embarassing questions
 about that Fredericks & Nelson scam he ran just before he left. It
 was likely the Career Limiting Move that kept him out of the Clinton
 Cabinet and brought his political run to a premature end. It could
 have gotten very embarassing at the Confirmation hearings. Instead of
 Power & Glory, the greedy Putz is now handling the coffee-service at
 various corporate board meetings around town ("Would you like cream 
 with your coffee Mr. Nordstrom, sir?"). Heaven knows he's not actually
 qualified to run anything. At least he didn't end up a door-to-door
 salesman like B.C.'s ex-Premier Clark eh. We take better care of our
 flunkies than that. We got frik'n class eh.

                              - * -

 Speaking of Mayors...isn't that phony News Nazi poll for Mayor a hoot?
 The stupid thing is just a hussle they worked up to milk the canidates 
 for campaign Dough. Mayor Paulie slipped nearly out of sight until he
 coughed up some ad money then suddenly and surprisingly shot to the top.
 Our Chief Civic Ambulance Chaser and all-around Legal Lizard Mark Sidran
 languished in the bottom spot for ages until he coughed up some ad Dough
 then suddenly and amazingly rocketed almost to the top. Just like magic
 eh. Phony magic. Just the News Nazis way of saying 'thanks for your
 business boys'. If Mayor Nickles don't give them some Dough pretty soon,
 they just might forget he's even in the race. Like Charlie Chong.
 Charlie's got no Big Bucks to throw around, ergo, he's invisible. They
 want the canidates to buy the Mayor's Chair off them. They're selling 
 it to the highest bidder. Screw the voters!

                              - * -

 That recent demonstration of the new Polish Firing Squad Routine 
 Chief Gil taught the boys over at the "Burning Cross" Donut Shop
 won the coveted Firearms Review Board's "Darwinian Dumb-Ass Move 
 Of The Year" award this week. No point in even waiting until December.
 Nobody could possibly top them. This was the incident in which two
 SPD units turned on one another and blew off a barage of over 100
 shots before they realized they were both on the same side. Doh!
 No harm done, nobody got hurt. Of course it was justified. Hopefully
 we can look forward to many more just like it. Sooner or later 
 they've got to 'get lucky' eh. Just like the monkeys with the
 typewriters.

...........................................................

                         MAGGIE'S FARM

 As our News Nazis gush breathlessly this Labor Day about how we 
 work so gosh darn much harder than everybody else in the world,
 I thought that recent news story about the bank employees back
 east was interesting. They trashed hundreds of customer IRS tax 
 returns and refund checks. They didn't steal any money or falsify 
 any returns. They just trashed them. Just for the helluvit. Just 
 to Screw The World.

 I recently worked in one of the departments of a major bank in
 these parts. As with so many other companies lately, they had
 decided to move part of their operations out of Seattle and return
 it back to the east coast. They didn't bother offering the local
 employees jobs back east - not even the manager. They didn't even
 bother offering them alternative jobs within their vast local
 holdings either. Just out the door Baby. I expected to find a bunch
 of bummed out people ready to jump out the windows. Nope. They
 were all whooping it up and celebrating.  

 For years they had been working 6-day weeks (Sunday was often a 
 regular workday), 12+ hours per day as salaried employees. Everyday 
 they got up at 5am, got to work at 7am, got back home around 9 or 
 10pm, ate, slept and did it all over again. For years they just worked, 
 ate and slept. Strangers to their families and friends. They hated 
 their crappy jobs but they all had other people who depended on 
 their paychecks. They couldn't just quit. Many were Philipino and
 Thai ladies proud of working for a respectible company and carrying 
 many people back home with their paychecks. Besides, leaving for any
 reason short of down-sizing or layoffs is considered extremely suspect
 behavior in banking circles. The sign of a unmanageable bohemian Free 
 Spirit. So they were trapped with no way out. Then, all of a sudden 
 this completely unexpected miracle happened - the layoff. The perfect 
 escape! It was like somebody gave them their lives back. A few weeks 
 severance pay and they couldn't get outta there fast enough.

 In general, American workers typically get little or no respect
 from their Boss. That's a fact. All that Booshwah about Team
 Players and Company Associates is just that - BS. Just more of
 the Boss lying his butt off. Be a Good Boy or Girl coming up with
 some new way to generate MegaBucks for Mr. Boss and what do you
 get? A $5 plaque (name optional). Thanks sucker. Dr. Kary Mullis
 invented the PCR (Polymerase Chain Reaction machine) - kind of a 
 molecular xerox machine that has become a required piece of
 equpiment in most every medical or biological lab in the world. 
 His employer at the time sold his idea for $300,000,000 (plus an
 additional $350,000,000 in company stock) - the highest amount 
 ever paid for a patent. Kary got $10,000 (0.00003% of its value) 
 as a reward for coming up with it. And the company made a big point 
 of reminding him that that was twice their usual bonus. They 
 apparently imagined this to be very generous on their part. Kary 
 got even later when he won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for his 
 PCR machine. He grabbed the Million Nobel Bucks and his $10K bonus, 
 flipped them all a big Bird and went surf'n. Tell somebody else 
 about the nobility of science. He ain't buy'n it anymore.

 For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It's
 a proven hypothesis in physics and, though unproven in psychology,
 it seems to work pretty good there too. Treat people like crap
 and they'll feel duty-bound to get back at you one way or the other.
 For self-respect if nothing else. In our present-day email-reading,
 security-camera-snooping work environment, Mr. Boss sets the tone
 right off the bat the first day you walk through the door. There
 is nothing ambiguous about his distrust and disrespect - you're
 guilty and will always remain guilty no matter how innocent you
 may pretend to be. American workplaces fairly percolate on a daily 
 basis with everything from mass-slayings to the more common and 
 invisible slugfests. Lots of nasty elbow-work under the nets too.

 America's become a tough town to work in. No two ways about it. 
 There is little in our workplace that can be characterized as 
 genteel, noble or inspirational. It's a jungle. There's zero loyalty,
 zero respect and a complete absence of fairness. We've transformed
 honest labor into a something only a Chump or a Luser would be
 dumb enough to take pride in. Working for a living sucks - retire
 A.S.A.P. Crude manipulation and intimidation are what passes for 
 mangagement these days. You don't need 6-years of university to 
 manage anything in America. Any mean-spirited, conniving and clever 
 high-school drop-out could handle the job just as well if not better. 
 The first rule is: it's always the employees fault. Always. No
 exceptions. The rest follows easily from that: employees are 
 dishonest and lazy; employees are inherently disloyal; employees 
 cannot be trusted; yadda yadda yadda. Right down to the ultimate 
 meme: employees are like children - give them a lolly-pop when 
 they're good and a spanking when they're bad. The Great American
 Management Philosophy. The assumptions that fill the average American
 manager's tiny little brain are neither intelligent, sophisticated 
 nor enlightened. They're downright stoopid.

 They caught the bank employees but there are thousands more out
 there just like them every day, trashing/misfiling/misnaming files,
 sabotaging computer systems, archiving data to the trash bin or just
 plain goofing off to get back at their Boss. The odds are good that
 they'll quit or get Canned/Down-Sized/Laid-Off well before anybody
 discovers their mischief. The companies are pretty immune to it - 
 they just pass the cost and complications on to the suckers at 
 the bottom of the food-chain: their customers. If the documentation
 for a refund or supplement disappears, they just stall and stall and
 stall until the customer drops dead or loses hope/interest. Nothing
 short of the real threat of a lawsuit will force them to cough up
 the goodies they owe. Dead-heads don't come much bigger or deader.
 Individual customers don't register on their radar - only large groups 
 of them.

 It didn't used to be like this when we were building our dream. They
 needed us back then and limited the nasty stuff to the people they
 kept in our national basement: the Colored Folks and immigrants. But 
 now they want to steal it ALL and everybody gets the nasty treatment. 
 It ain't gonna change any time soon. And no amount of pretending will
 make it any better or even vaguely noble.

.......................................................................

 "America in some ways stands for the utopian dream that you can
  shape a people who share nothing in common into some kind of  
  workable social order if you just have enough money and fair
  legal proceedures. And therefore, you get to describe your life
  as a free individual, and, Oh, by the way, I just happen to be
  an African American, I happen to be Jewish, I happen to be
  Czechoslovakian. Americans keep saying, "What the fuck do these
  blacks want? You can move to the suburbs, have three TVs -- I
  mean, what's a little slavery between friends?"

                     -  Stanley Hauerwas -
                           Theologian
                       Duke Divinity School
 
.......................................................................
 
 		         MONDO VATICANO

 His Holy Pomposity, Future-Super-Saint JP-2, made it official this
 week: racism is a sin. He didn't say whether it was a venial sin or
 a mortal sin. Playn' it safe I guess. With buddies like the well-known
 Austrian bigot and racist Mr. Haiter and a personal record of Velvet
 Glove racism and bigotry of his own, he's something of an expert
 on the subject. Whether it's his constant harassment of the African
 bishops or his discrete Blind Eye to white missionaries raping young
 African girls or his sleezy anti-semitism, you don't have to guess
 what color his skin is. And when it comes to double-standards, he
 proudly holds both of his high. When a black theologian steps out of
 line (Belasuriya), he gets excommunicated [kicked out]; when a white
 theologian steps out of the same line (R.Haight), he just gets a slap 
 on the wrist. When an African-American priest tried to develop an 
 African Rite within the Church, he got harassed, hounded and run outta 
 town. But the nice white Ukranians and Greeks get a friendly collegial 
 nod. And before you get too misty-eyed about the lengths he's gone to 
 save African bishop Milingo's useless butt, consider that JP-2's stripped
 him of his African episcopalate, moved him to Roma where he didn't know  
 a soul, then set his Inquistion Attack Dog Cardinal Ratso Ratzinger 
 on him and drove Milingo right into the Moonies hands. JP-2 created 
 the very circumstances that he's saving Milingo from. He can stick 
 his phony equality BS right up his fat, hypocritcal Pollock butt. 
			+	+	+
 Speaking of Bishop Milingo...the beat goes on. Emmanuel finally
 worked up the cojunes to come out of hiding this week and have 
 a little visit with his wife. While the Curia Wops were out showing 
 him the town and whooping it up, Mrs. Milingo was left all by her
 lonesome in Vatican Square, tearfully waiting for weeks to talk to 
 her husband. Except for the nice man from the U.S. National Catholic 
 Reporter who daily checked in on her vigil to have a chat with her, 
 she was left ignored and abandoned. Real Christian bunch of folks 
 over in Vatican City eh. Bunch of goddam no-class Wops, actually. 

 Emmanuel allowed his wife to kiss his ring then gave her the Kiss 
 Off - it's over Baby. Just as simple as that. No messy divorce
 courts, no lawyers, no judges, no complicated Canon-Law annulment
 proceeding - nut'n. Just a simple 'Good bye'. So much for the 
 sanctity of the Sacrament of Marriage eh. But the State of New
 York, where they got married, don't see that way. The opinion of
 the Pope and the Curia don't mean bugger-all to them. Far as
 they're concerned Emmanuel and his Missus are still legally man 
 and wife. That may prove to be a problem if Emmanuel ever works 
 up the balls to step outside the Vatican. We don't take kindly 
 to Baby Daddies in these parts. We make them pay for their Poon-
 Tang. And being a Catholic bishop don't cut you no slack at all.
			+	+	+
 "Stool Pigeons", "Soil Swine", "Tweedy Poo", "Poogoyles", Bowel 
 Owls", "Poopadillos" and "Stool Toads". These are just some of 
 the names the Amish have come up with for their "Poo Pets". As 
 nearly as I can figure, it's composting soil that they've somehow
 arranged in a way only the Amish could - into pets. 

 http://www.amishsoil.com/amish_soil_poopets.htm 
			+	+	+
 Ask most theologians what they think about Stanley Hauerwas and
 they'll likely come up with a discrete way of saying he's an
 asshole. Stan's considered one of, if not THE, top theological
 ethicists in the country. He works at Duke Divinity School these
 days, though he's spent 14-years with the Catholics at Notre
 Dame and a couple years with the Lutherans at Augusta College.
 Born into poverty on the bleak plains of Texas, like his daddy
 and his grandaddy, he laid bricks for a living early on. That
 brush with Real Life seems to have saved him from the usual
 holier-than-thou airs many of his collegues put on. Stan's the 
 kind of guy who calls up his grad students on their birthdays 
 and sings "Happy Birthday" to them over the phone. And he's no 
 stranger to profanity. He shocked his collegues recently when he 
 used the expression 'goddam' in a Newsweek article. He happily 
 points out in his defence that he was the only theologian in the 
 article to even mention God's name - did it twice actually. His 
 addresses to academic conferences are often laced with such 
 language as he passionately rants and raves about his topic, 
 causing no end of blushing amongst the prim and proper pastors 
 in the audience. He likes to conceptually and verbally Goose 
 people into dropping their pretences and bring them down to earth.

 For the record, Stanley is a Pussy-Whipped Methodist. He likes
 Catholic traditions and tried to convert to Catholicism but his 
 wife threatened to divorce him if he did. Unlike Catholic Bishop 
 Milingo, he loves his wife too much to just walk away from her. 
 To many theologians he's an bafflement wrapped in an enigma - 
 simultaneously as traditionally Christian as the most conservative
 Southern Baptist and radical as the worst Dorthy Day anarchist. 
 In a country where 'conservative' is routinely interpreted in 
 terms of buck-sucking Republicans and head-up-the-ass Libertarians, 
 they don't understand his radical conservatism. He warmly embraces 
 highly traditional political and religious values while being 
 committed to fundamental change in their current manifestations. 
 We often mistake the map for the territory. Stanley doesn't. He 
 suggests divorced Christians should not be allowed burial in 
 Christian cemeteries, while being an unrepentent pacifist. He 
 believes deeply in the Bible as it is but just can't bring himself 
 to fundamental interpretation of it. He championed Affirmative 
 Hiring at one of his schools with the rationale: "we hire lots 
 of mediocre whites every year, why not hire mediocre blacks 
 instead?" He roundly condemned the Gulf War and refused to honor 
 veterans of that war. He'd be a hit in Europe. They understand 
 better where he's coming from. 

 And the titles of his books...Gott in Himmel! "Sex In Public: 
 How Adventurous Christians Are Doing It", "Why Gays (as a group)
 Are Morally Superior to Christians (as a group)".  No doubt 
 the Pope sends his wife a 'thank you' card every year.

 When it comes to Christianity, Stanley is not merely a Talker,
 he's a Walker. He's a learned Holy Fool who sincerely tries
 to live his Christianity. God bless him.
  
-------------------------------------------------- 
 The above is copyright material. You want to use it, 
 ask. You want to make money off it, gimme some first. 
 I'll let you know if it's enough. You want to steal it, 
 I'll sic my lawyer Yoshi 'The Proctologist' Rasmussen 
 on you baby. He'll teriyaki your sorry butt and turn 
 it into Lutefisk.
~-------------------------------------------------- 
 MAIL:    tofoggymoment@yahoo.com
 ARCHIVE: http://www.geocities.com/tofoggymoment
---------------------------------------------------