These are the continuing adventures of a typical resident 
 of the self-proclaimed center of the Pugetopolis universe - 
 Seattle. Most are true stories but some are made of whole-
 cloth. I ain't the Mayor, the Governor or a Big Shot. Just 
 another Working Stiff with a Bad Attitude.

    ------------------------------------------------
    WARNING: This is not a Child-Proof Neighborhood.
    If you're a kid - scram!, beat it! you little
    punk before your Old Lady catches you and calls
    the cops. They'll throw you in the Big House in
    Walla Walla and won't let you out until you're
    89 years old. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.
    -------------------------------------------------

		           - 116 -

 It was just like old Cold War days when President Yellowbelly
 recently met with President Putin of Russia - a democratically 
 elected President meeting with a Party Hack appointed by the 
 Party's elite and installed by the Party Flunkies. Only this 
 time the roles were reversed. How ironic.

                              *

 Earlier last week the U District was invaded by a small army of
 old geezers bearing Bibles. Actually I think they only had the
 New Testament. It seemed like every way into the place had one
 or two of them, all respectibly if not nattily attired in suits,
 attempting to hand them out to passers-by. They had few takers.
 It wasn't that people refused them. Rather, they just ignored
 them as if they were invisible. The odd person would get reluctantly
 roped in by their own politeness and have one slipped to them. 
 I imagine people suspected the old geezers were looking for 
 donations. Now if that had been Red Dog salesmen passing out 
 bottles of beer it would have been a different story. Even at 
 7 a.m. there would have been line-ups.

                              *

 Big Jim McDermott, the Congressman from Pluto, fresh from voting
 to give President Yellowbelly a blank check in a recent Anti
 Terrorism Bill, is now rapidly trying to reconstruct his liberal 
 facade and get that dang bleeding heart of his dripping again.
 Now that the vote is safely over and the opportunity to make a
 difference has passed, he's had a change of mind - he's against
 War. Well sort of anyways. He don't like fighting but, if it 
 will get him re-elected, he could learn to like it. Actually he 
 sounded a bit confused like he's fishing around for an acceptable 
 niche. Better step on it Jim-bo - election's just around the 
 corner. Even the warm and fuzzy liberals are a bit blood-thirsty 
 these days. What the hey - old hypocrites got to feed their 
 families too ya know.

                              *

 Dr. Lee Hartwell at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center
 won a Nobel prize this week. Ordinarily that would be occasion
 for great celebration. But with The Hutch under investigation
 and engaged in a class-action lawsuit involving possible 
 violation of the protocols involving human experimentation and,
 worse, the subjects being kids with terminal illnesses, it
 seems little more than gross for anyone connected with the
 place getting a Nobel. The idiots on the Nobel committee have
 had a knack for picking questionable canidates - Henry Kissenger, 
 Yassar Arafat, etc. - in the past. Enough to seriously deprecate
 their reputation for excellence. Helping out a buddy in trouble
 even if it's over the bodies of dead kids, would be right up
 their alley. Lee won his prize, he'll get his money (likely 
 passed off to The Hutch to avoid being taxed on it) but that's
 all he'll get. It was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened
 until the cloud over the Hutch has been resolved. It would have
 been nice if he'd had the integrity to refuse it but no way
 that's going to happen baby.

........................................................................
   
               THE FIGHTING BETWEEN NATIONS

 Two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the rugby
 world cup. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the
 middle seat. Just before take-off, a New Zealander got on
 and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies.
   
 After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his 
 toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat 
 said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."
   
 "No problem," said the Kiwi,"I'll get it for you."
   
 While he was gone one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwis shoe 
 and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie 
 said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
   
 Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was 
 gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in 
 it.
   
 The New Zealander returned and they all sat back and enjoyed 
 the flight.
   
 As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his 
 shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
   
 "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between 
 our nations? This hatred? This animosity? ...This spitting in 
 shoes and pissing in beers?"

........................................................................


                         WAR
                         ===
    (Barret Strong, Norman Whitfield/Edwin Star)

                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!
   Say it again...
                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!

   War is something that I despise
   For it means destruction of innocent lives
   For it means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes
   When their sons go out to fight to give their lives

                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!
   Say it again...Good God Y'all!
                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for
                    Absolutely nuth'n!

   War!
   It's nothing but a heartbreaker!
   War!
   Friend only to the undertaker
   War is the enemy of all mankind
   The thought of war blows my mind
   Handed down from generation to generation
   Induction destruction
   Who wants to die?

                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!
   Say it again...
                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!

   War has shattered many young men's dreams
   Made them disabled bitter and mean
   Life is too precious to be fighting wars each day
   War can't give life it can only take it away
   War!
   It's nothing but a heartbreaker
   War!
   Friend only to the undertaker
   Peace love and understanding
   There must be some place for these things today
   They say we must fight to keep our freedom
   But Lord there's gotta be a better way
   That's better than
   War!
                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!
   Say it again...Good God!
                    War! Ugh!
                    What is it good for?
                    Absolutely nuth'n!

........................................................................

                      'OL YELLER GOES TO WAR

"Woop! Woop! Woop! HIGH ALERT! HIGH ALERT!", hollered Ol Yeller to 
 everyone he passed in the White House hall, quickly adding, "But 
 go about your business as usual. Just act like everything's normal 
 and okee-dookee. THEY'RE EVIL! THEY'RE EVIL! But we got 'em on the
 run!" "Land sakes Duhbya make up your mind. You're confusing the hell
 outta everybody", snorted the First Darlin. Sure enough, one headline
 in the day's newspapers said "Prez Says: Be Afraid, Be VERY Afraid" 
 and the other "Prez Says: Don't worry, everything's under control". 
 "Go watch your war on CNN with the generals, Sugar Plum. And you boys 
 keep your hands outta your pockets. I don't want to have to clean up
 after one of your Pocket Pool sessions again. It's embarassing. And 
 quit teasing President Cheney under the bed. Poor bastard runs for 
 cover everytime he hears an airliner pass overhead. You'd think he'd 
 get over it after a month wouldn't you? Hope we can coax him outta
 there in time for the next election."

 A lady in my regular lunchtime greasy-spoon loudly proclaimed
 to her friend sitting across from her that she had it from 
 reliable sources that the targets for the predicted next wave
 of terrorist attacks were the King County Jail and the Space
 Needle. In that order. She was quite serious even as everyone
 else guffawed at her information. She later revealed that the
 source of her info was her boyfriend who was presently a guest
 at the KCJ. It's hard to tell which was funnier: her choice of 
 targets or the concept of Hooterville as the target for acts of 
 international terrorism. Ever since our WTO debacle even they
 wouldn't want anything to do with us. Try as our News Nazis
 did to cast Mr. Ressem and his ferry bomb as being targetted at 
 our Space Needle it was, alas, targetted at LAX.

 It took our Paycheck Patriots at the Department of Defence a 
 month to put together a 'rapid response' but they're finally off 
 and running. Sure they missed the boat when their help may well
 have saved thousands of lives during the attacks - asleep at the
 wheel. Anything like that happens in the movies the planes start
 scrambling, the air-craft carriers start launching, the Army
 starts marching. In real life? Nuth'n. They just hide until the
 coast is clear.

 But now they're blowing hell outta everyone and everything in 
 Afghanistan. Everyone except Osama and the Taliban leadership, 
 that is. Wasting million-dollar cruise missles on mountainous goat
 pastures they're trying to pass off as 'terrorist training camps'
 and blowing up every Kabob stand in Kabul. It was the only safe 
 target we could find. The rest of them would have bit back. As long 
 as they keep the bombing down to nightime sorties it looks like a 
 real war on TV. That's what keeps our beer-gut/butt-crack bigots 
 happy - a made-for-TV war. A little something to fill up the gapping 
 spaces in their lives between Monday Night Football and the NCAA 
 Game of the Week.

 For the most part the Nation seems to have absorbed this latest
 outbreak of insanity and carried on as usual. Sure we kind of lost
 our cookies for a few weeks but, under the circumstances, that was
 understandable. The lack of follow-up attacks has allowed us to 
 relax a little and tenatively reassume our routines. Watching 'The 
 War' on TV has been folded nicely in with the sports menu. It's no
 accident that that's where it gets pumped up the most. But then it 
 seems our tormentors got what they were looking for on the first try - 
 America helplessly, blindly lashing out in the dark at Booger Men. 
 Unless we slack off or back out, it's unlikely we'll get further 
 significant poking or proding in the immediate future. Widespread 
 Panic is so much cheaper, simpler and anonymous to wage than war. 
 Looks like we'll be seeing lots of that from time to time.
 
 The new TV sit-com "America Under Attack" has become immensely 
 popular, pitting Evil Bad Boy Osama bin Ladin against Homey 
 Just-Regular-Folks President Yellowbelly with a clever if 
 improbable plot line involving jealous A-rabs out to spank 
 America for who the hell knows what. Even G.I. Joe dusted 
 himself off after hiding under his bunk during the attacks so 
 he could ship out and Kick Ass on A-rabs. Force Taliban-istas 
 to eat pork chops and maybe set fire to a few of those diapers 
 they're wearing - just for laughs. Meanwhile, innocent, sweet 
 and spunky America, who has never hurt a hair on anybody's 
 head ever in her entire life, has bravely rolled up her blouse 
 sleeves, spit on the ground and readied herself for the coming 
 fight. She's got a Two-Fer-One deal on American flags this week - 
 only $50. Plenty of other patriotic paraphenalia to offer too 
 at discount prices. The economy is looking just great, the stock 
 market is slowly but surely climbing out of the cellar and the 
 new World Trade Center towers will be finished any day now.  
 Zippity Doo Dah - have a wonderful day. And hey Buster! God 
 Bless America! TV-Land is sure a chipper, optomistic place eh.

 Meanwhile, back in the Land of Reality, General Sharon in Israel, 
 whose Ultimate Solution to the Palestinian Problem likely started 
 this whole mess, has had to put his campaign on the back-burner
 temporarily now that everyone is looking. Even Ol Yeller was bitch'n 
 and hollering at him this week though of course he made no move to 
 yank his chain. It was, afterall, just for show. Wink, wink, nod, 
 nod. Yeller loves his Jew Boys and General Powell has passed enough 
 bucksheesh under the table to General Sharon over the years to put
 downpayments on all the condos in Tel Aviv. BTW - the International 
 Court in the Hague still has a warrant out for General Sharon's 
 arrest on War Crimes charges. It's just gotta be a bum rap.

 While our Paycheck Patriots are working themselves into a stroking
 frenzy in Operation Jerk-Off 2001 in Afghanistan, all hell is 
 breaking loose elsewhere. The Pakistanis are ready to mob the 
 airbases Our Boys are using there, threats are coming in to our 
 military installations in Indonesia, another Russian break-away 
 province is taking full advantage of the situation to make a run 
 for it, North Americans are getting snuffed on the streets of Kuwait
 City, Egyptian President Mubark is getting into a shouting match 
 with the Israelis, and people are spreading mysterious white power 
 all over the place to scare the hell out of us. Osama and his boys 
 are getting just what they hoped to get. Get'n a little crazy out 
 there.

 While things were more or less getting back to normal here, there 
 was an omninous lack of enthusiasm amongst the citizenry. Few of  
 us flew our flags as requested. It was mostly businesses and the
 Paycheck Patriots in our bureaucracy. There is a cronic sense of
 uncertainty in the air. This is not a situation we control. Any
 time they want, the Bogger Men can strike again and there is little
 to nothing we can do about it. Despite our chipper News Nazis, we
 don't accept President Yellowbelly as our Prez. We didn't choose
 him. Due to circumstances, we're forced to tolerate him. We know 
 his present 'war' in Afghanistan isn't likely to accomplish anything 
 beyond allowing a few people to get their rocks off and stirring up 
 an international wasp-nest of trouble. Our new 'enemies' are from 
 everywhere. Despite our better inclinations and their best efforts 
 to be reassuring, Muslims scare the hell outta us. We don't want 
 to be on the same plane with them. There is no light at the end of 
 this tunnel. Who are we fighting? Where do they live? What in the 
 hell do they want from us? How will this resolve itself? Nobody 
 knows. For Masters of the Universe, we are decidedly nervous.
  
......................................................................

 Es ist nicht gasagt das es besser wird wenn es anders wirt. Wenn
 es aber besser werden soll muss es anders werden.
 (Different isn't necessarily better. But better is necessarily
 different.)

......................................................................

                           HORNY HAMILTON?
   
 "I don't know what all the fuss is about, or why the Students Union 
  has dragged us into this," Chris Anderson, captain of Waikato Univ.
  men's volleyball team, told a hastily convened press conference in
  Hamilton, New Zealand. "Don't they have anything better to do? We
  checked first with the organisers, and they said we could have any
  sponsors we liked, so what's the problem?"

  But the team's decision to accept sponsorship from the "California
  Girls" escort agency, and to wear shirts carrying their phone number
  and the slogan "Get F*cked in Horny Hamilton," was attacked by Union
  co-president Mecina Stanbury. "The sex industry has now become a
  stakeholder in the University of Waikato, and the university's
  acceptance of this sponsorship is implicit acceptance of the sale of
  women as sexual merchandise. This glorification of the sex industry 
  by the team has degraded the reputation of the university, and of 
  other credible associated bodies involved with the games."

  University Vice-Chancellor Bryan Gould was unavailable for comment,
  but the owner of the "California Girls" escort agency, Pete Lawton,
  insisted that "I'll just let the narrow-minded rant and rave.
  Prostitutes have been part of the community for a long time now, and
  it's time people accepted what we do." 

                        New Zealand Herald, 
                          April 19, 2001

.........................................................................

 		          MONDO VATICANO

 Future-Super-Saint JP-2, on his last leg and fading fast, tried one
 last time for the Nobel Peace Prize. Not even close. FIFA, the
 international soccer organization, got more votes than he did. It 
 was little help that he did nothing to warrant the prize. Even that
 Commie infidel, Fidel Castro of Cuba, ranked  higher in the voting
 than our favorite Future-Super-Saint. Lets see them turn him down
 once he's officially a saint eh. Ain't gonna be easy then. He could
 put a Wammy on them.
			+	+	+
 Chairman of the U.S. Bishops Joint Chiefs of Staff, Bishop Joe
 Fiorenza of Galveston-Houston, drawing on his considerable military
 experience (he's read the entire collection of Tom Clancy novels)
 this week concurred with his collegues in the U.S. Military and
 sanctioned their recent action in Afghanistan as 'regrettable but
 necessary'. Maybe this delusional old Queen actually believes he 
 knows what he's talking about. He certainly won't have to worry
 about any taking shots at him. He's safe.
			+	+	+
 An international panel of Muslim scholars ruled that Muslim soldiers
 in the U.S. military have an obligation to fight for their country
 even if it means killing other Muslims. They didn't mention that if
 they had ruled in any other fashion they would have been guilty of
 encouraging U.S. military personnel of dereliction of duty - an 
 illegal act that could have resulted in the American members being
 arrested, prosecuted and probably thrown in prison. The non-U.S.
 members could kiss off any chance of stateside shopping trips for
 the rest of their natural lives.
			+	+	+
 A steady thread throughout our present Troubles has been the sling
 that this was all caused by religion. Like somehow religious nuts
 have some sort of championship affinithy for snuffing people. Nah.
 A nice atheist/vegan like Adolph Hitler whacked over 9,000,000 and
 they lost count of Commie/Pinko Joe Stalin's victims - untold
 millions. Religious nuts are notorious underperformers in this
 category and therefore a preferable choice if you're stuck against
 your will with choosing between Rubout Artists. They tend to go for
 the showy, high-visibility kills rather than efficent mass-numbers.
 Killing people has always been an equal opportunity pursuit. And
 religion as acceptable an excuse as any.
  
-------------------------------------------------- 
 The above is copyright material. You want to use it, 
 ask. You want to make money off it, gimme some first. 
 I'll let you know if it's enough. You want to steal it, 
 I'll sic my lawyer Yoshi 'The Proctologist' Rasmussen 
 on you baby. He'll teriyaki your sorry butt and turn 
 it into Lutefisk.
~-------------------------------------------------- 
 MAIL:    tofoggymoment@yahoo.com
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