These are the continuing adventures of a typical resident 
 of the self-proclaimed center of the Pugetopolis universe - 
 Seattle. Most are true stories but some are made of whole-
 cloth. I ain't the Mayor, the Governor or a Big Shot. Just 
 another Working Stiff with a Bad Attitude.

    ------------------------------------------------
    WARNING: This is not a Child-Proof Neighborhood.
    If you're a kid - scram!, beat it! you little
    punk before your Old Lady catches you and calls
    the cops. They'll throw you in the Big House in
    Walla Walla and won't let you out until you're
    89 years old. There. Don't say I didn't warn you.
    -------------------------------------------------

		           - 117 -

 It was 39 years ago Sunday that President Kennedy bowed out 
 of a visit to the Seattle World's Fair with the excuse that 
 he had a cold. The 'cold' turned out to be the quietly but
 rapidly evolving Cuban Missle Crisis. He was a little too
 tied up to leave and didn't want to tip anybody off.

                              *

 Homecoming weekend at U Dub. So naturally the Husky Strut'n
 & Stroll'n Band did their traditional tour of the frats and 
 sororities on Friday night. This is basically the regular 
 Husky Marching Band (about 200 of them) without their uniforms 
 (or much of the rest of their clothing for that matter). That 
 is to say: running around half-naked as they shimmy and shake 
 their way through the backstreets of the U District setting 
 off car alarms, vibrating the sidewalks and frightening the 
 neighborhood cats and squirrels as they serenade the Greeks.

 Marching bands are of course the highest form of this musical
 genre. Unlike those sissies in symphony orchestras who get to
 wear nice clothes and sit comfortably through a performance, 
 marchers gotta dance around and shake their Boo-tay. Take the
 sisters in the clarinet section fer instance. It's not enough
 to just play those Licorice Sticks, they gotta be able to 
 limbo with them and perform many highly suggestive acts that
 wouldn't be out of place in a brothel or at a peep-show. And 
 that Babe in the bikini top with the trombone - lucky her mother 
 doesn't know what she's up to she'd have her transferred to Oral 
 Roberts University so fast it'd make her head spin. I won't even 
 mention the fact that the entire tuba section was topless. It 
 certainly added an intriguing element to their traditional 
 twisting-tuba-prance. Too bad it's all guys. Talk about sexism!  
 Like Mars, the tuba section needs women. And more beer while 
 you're up.
 
 It is frightening (but from purely a scientific stand-point - 
 most fascinating) to witness the transformation that comes over 
 your average, responsible, decent, industrious young person when 
 a musical instrument is put in their hands. They immediately begin
 casting off articles of clothing and grinding their hips in the
 most lascivious and lustful manner even as they let loose with 
 an un-Godly cacaphony of noise. If it be a trumpet, French Horn, 
 clarinet or flute, the transformation is merely amazing. But if 
 they strap on a tuba or one of those big bass drums, it is truely
 frightening. Unquestionably, music is an instrument of the devil,
 corrupting and morally disfiguring even the most innocent and pure 
 of our youth. The long, slippery slope to heroin addiction and
 alcoholism begins with that first innocent birthday kazoo.
 
 The cheerleaders were a bit more active during this week's tour.
 Probably because it was pretty chilly and they were wearing next
 to nothing. Oi! Gevalt! I think I saw Professor Dawkin's entire 
 human anatomy class (lab coats and all) taking notes and polaroids 
 during much of their performance that evening. And during the big 
 War Dance they do in the middle of the intersection at 47th Street 
 and 17th Ave (Greek Row), they added a new touch - a big fire. It 
 was hard to tell for sure from my vantage point, but it appeared 
 that they set one of the blokes wearing a bass drum on fire. The 
 police were standing nearby and showed no concern and the drummer 
 in question seemed to be enjoying the experience. It was pretty
 spectacular and I imagine we can look forward to this being a
 regular part of future shows at least until they run out of drums
 and/or drummers.

                                * 

 What a difference a year makes eh. Last year this time we were
 riding high watching Al and Duhbya head for the wire nose and
 nose. Lots of jobs and tons of money falling out of our pockets.
 The World Trade Center towers were still standing and Foreign 
 policy was still something that happened 'over there' with the 
 Northern Ireland Peace holding and the Israelis and Palestinians 
 doing their usual dance. We were the Masters of the Known Universe 
 in nearly every sense and arrogantly, wallowing in it as if it
 were our natural birthright.

 And now? It's all evaporated - poof. An improbable 'dead-heat' 
 in the election accompanied by the most disgusting display of 
 Cheap Lawyer Tricks ever witnessed in America and we're left with 
 Duhbya as our pretend/unelected Prez. The World Trade Center in
 New York City a pile of rubble after our centuries long imperviousness
 to outside attack went up in smoke while our Pretend Prez hid in a
 prairie bunker and our gutless/over-rated military ran for cover.  
 The U.S. Post Office is now dutifully passing anthrax letters all 
 over the country and world. The Middle East is on the verge of a 
 war that promises to suck us into its vortex while our Secretary 
 of State wanders aimlessly around in a fog of indecision and 
 cluelessness. Our economy heads resolutely for recession as jobs 
 and money bail out of an insecure and unstable United States. All
 aided and abetted by the cowardice, panic and ineptness of our 
 bureaucrats. Money don't feel safe here anymore. We're roll'n 
 downhill like a snowball headed for Hell baby. Hang on tight.

 While our government and News Nazis spin off into their own little 
 fantasy world in which they imagine us Four-Square and 100% 
 patriotically behind them, the fact of the matter is...we aren't. 
 We're not stupid. We've never accepted Duhbya as our President. We 
 didn't choose him - the Supreme Court did. Nothing we can do about
 the 'fix' they put in. While we aren't sure what in the hell to make 
 of the NYC/DC attacks, we know that Duhbya's War on Terrorism is far
 more likely to intensify terrorism than end it, as it swings the 
 world's 'undecideds' over to the Osama bin Ladin column.  The News 
 Nazis and pols can ignore us and crank out their BS all they like 
 but the time will soon come for a reckoning. My guess is that it will 
 come when they start banging on us for Big Taxes to pay for their 
 screwing around. Somebody's got to pony up for those multi-billion 
 dollar corporate bail-outs, that fat, new buck-sucking bureaucracy 
 and those multi-million dollar cruise missles. You can bet your 
 sweet Patootie it ain't gonna be the Big People.
 
                              *

 I was sitting in a small park in Chinatown this week having a bite 
 to eat from one of the many fine Greasy Spoons nearby. I sat there 
 so I could watch 3 members of Falun Gong going through their paces. 
 I knew they were Falun Gong because they had a small hand-written 
 sign set up identifying themselves as such. They had a little Boom 
 Box next to them that was playing a tape from someone speaking Chinese. 
 Mr. Gong himself? Couldn't say for sure - it was all Chinese to me. 
 Actually, just single words with the occasional phrase thrown 
 rhythmically in periodically. They were doing this Tai Chi type 
 exercise to the tape. It was not as vigorous as Tai Chi and seemed 
 to mostly involve the upper torso, but it was similar. They were 
 real good at it. It was pleasant if not soothing just to watch them.

 As they were doing this, one of the people hanging-out on the sidewalk 
 a short way off, wandered over. He wasn't interested in the exercises 
 or Falun Gong theology, but he was curious about their Boom Box. He 
 made straight for it. This greatly distracted one of the Falun Gong 
 guys. You could see his eyeballs nervously darting over to the Boom Box 
 pretty regularily as he continued doing his exercises. The connisseur 
 examined the box closely with what appeared to be professional insight. 
 But after a short examination he went back to the sidewalk, satisfied 
 perhaps that it was inferior to his own or others he was familiar with 
 and not worth the trouble of heisting.

 The Chinese are real exercise nuts. You don't see it much here, but up 
 in Vancouver, BC most mornings, the parks adjacent to Chinatown are 
 absolutely packed with Chinese people of all sexes, ages, walks-of-life 
 and philosophical persuations going through their paces. There's a 
 regular mob of them, rain or shine, out there milling around, chatting 
 it up or quietly doing their prescribed exercises. Many belong to groups, 
 like Falun Gong, that incorporate set exercises as part of their practice. 

 This isn't exercise-for-the-health-of-it. This is religious exercise. 
 Much like Muslims, the Taoists and Buddhists of China believe you have 
 to sweat a little if you want to do any serious praying. A concept many 
 Catholics and Protestants would find distasteful. Certainly it would be 
 a bizarre sight to see the local Presbyterians out in the park waving 
 their hands and legs around under the direction of their Pastor. And 
 likely pretty ugly to boot.

 One of my favorite groups is the Cao Dai of Vietnam. They believe Victor 
 Hugo, the French author of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame", is a saint. 
 Combining Christianity, Taoism and Buddhism into one, they are the ultimate 
 Pan-Theistic religion. I'm sure they would have made room for the Jews and 
 Muslims too if they'd had any in their neighborhood at the time of their 
 founding. Their temples/churches are a vividly colorful mix of East and 
 West. Real eye-poppers with lots of statues, bright colors and other 
 visual-aides. Pretty classy operation. They must have some sort of 
 presence in Seattle's large South-East Asian community though I have no
 idea where.

......................................................................... 

 War is at first like a beautiful girl with whom all men long to play,
 but in the end like a repulsive hag whose suitors all weep and ache.

                          Samuel Hanagid
                         (933-1056 A.D.)

..........................................................................

                      'OL YELLER GOES TO WAR

 "Alright Duhbya, when we get to China I don't want to hear you referring
 to any of them little Yeller Chinee Folks as 'gooks' or 'slopes' like you
 do at those Veteran parties you go to. And don't bring up that nasty
 little incident with our spy plane a few months ago", counciled the
 Presidential Ball 'n Chain.  "Of course not Honeybun. I didn't really
 mean any of that stuff I said back then anyways. And that's the
 Vietnamese you're think'n about not the ChiComs.", replied Ol Yeller.
 "Can the 'chicom' schtick too Sugar Pie. It ain't polite to remind them
 that they're Commies. They're just out to make a Buck like anyone else
 these days. If they Play Ball, we might even think of giving them back
 that Army black-beret contract we snatched out from under their noses
 during the Spy Plane Thingee. The girls are all dy'n to try out that
 Chinese beer. Never seen them so excited before." 

 "Sure gonna miss The War while we're gone. IT'S A CRUSADE! THEY'RE EVIL!
 HERE WE COME!", snorted our jocular Prez, "People really eat that stuff
 up. If we bang away at them for two years, President Cheney says we can
 use the War on Terrorism as Election Bait just in time for Weasel Fight
 2004. Is he gonna be President while I'm gone is that pushy little Limmy
 feller gonna handle the job?" "The Secret Service installed special comm
 equipment under Dick's bed so he can talk to the outside world. His Mama 
 sure got it right when she named him 'Dick'. That boy's so slimey I gotta
 wear latex gloves everytime I shake hands with him", mused a reflective
 First Darl'n. "Weeeelll Doggies! And I thought I was the only one!",
 replied President Yellowbelly.

 As we fight off a bio-terrorism attack at home, our Military is, of
 course, as far away as they could get. They don't want to get anthrax
 for crying out loud. Ran for the hills of Afghanistan. With no Will 
 To War at home and a phony-baloney alliance that ain't worth the air 
 it's made out of, Our Boys are about to hit the ground in Afghanistan.
 How many of the NYC/DC attackers came from Afghanistan? None. What do 
 we plan to do with Afghanistan afterwards? Dunno. Has it brought the 
 WTC dead back to life or rebuilt the towers? Surely you jest. Why are 
 we doing this? Couldn't think of anything else to do. What happens 
 afterwards? More terrorist attacks of course. And a world that will
 be more convinced than ever that we are truely disgusting bastards 
 worthy of their deepest hatred. Who else would bomb and strafe a nation
 of drought-starved peasants?

 How's the 'war' going? Don't bother asking. We aren't going to get any
 honest answers out of the Pentagon. Lying is their natural form of
 public communication. And with even a phony war being good for ratings,
 don't expect our gutless News Nazis to push them or stick their necks 
 out to provide real coverage. You'll have to look elsewhere for that.
 For whatever difference it makes. There is no possiblity of victory in
 Afghanistan. We lost the second we stepped foot there. If our bombing
 runs didn't convice Muslims that we are intent on obliterating even the
 poorest and hungriest of them, our ground war will. We have conveniently
 removed the 'middle ground' for the Fundamentalists and handed the
 doubters over to them. We can have Afghanistan as far their concerned. 
 They want the hearts and minds of Saudi Arabia, Algeria, Kuwait, Bahrain
 and the other lands dominated by our political whores. They and their
 populations are the ultimate target. They're worth something. Afghanistan
 ain't worth squat.

 The courts up in British Columbia bailed that guy we asked to have
 extradicted here for suspected involvement with the Hezbullah. The
 judge took one look at our supporting documentation and laughed. And
 why not? It was a joke. We had nothing like real evidence beyond the
 fact that the man was Middle Eastern and a Muslim. So you can just
 imagine what the FBI's state-side witch-hunt is like. Except here we
 have nothing like real judges with any kind of integrity capable of 
 upholding the law. All we got are those gutless buck-sucking Ambulance
 Chasers who kissed political ass to get their jobs. And News Nazis
 who cooperatively turn a blind-eye to the unfortunates who get sucked
 up in the FBI's butt-saving manouver.

 And the people of Afghanistan, ravaged into near-starvation by years
 of drought and strapped with a wacko government not of their own
 choosing, are now subject to concentrated American attack with
 multi-million dollar 'smart bombs' and cruise missles the cost of 
 each of which could easily feed them for decades. It's our new answer 
 to poverty - kill poor people. Voila! No more poverty. We are decent 
 people afterall.

.........................................................................
 
 Reflect, and you will realize how shameful is your heart's delight,
 which comes between two cries: you cry when you come into the world,
 and others cry when you leave it.

                          Samuel Hanagid
                        (993 - 1056 A.D.)

..........................................................................

 		          MONDO VATICANO

 We must be getting very close to the end for Future-Super-Saint JP-2.
 Not only did he take a pass on a visit to Australia but all sorts of
 people are coming out with tributes to his Papacy that are as glowing
 as they are clueless. One moron actually gushed on about him being the
 very paragon of modernism. Doh! Not only was that wacky fruitcake Pius 
 the IXth, the great enemy of democracy and other modernistic perversions
 JP-2's hero, but no Pope in the past century has so enthusiastically 
 embraced fascism both within and without the Church. He absolutely
 stuffed Roma's bureaucracy with Opus Dei Gestapo. Whatever. His time
 is about up and he'll soon be history. His legacy is so superficial
 he will be quickly forgotten. Before you know it, The Boyz will be 
 putting on their best Red Dresses and getting ready to Party Hardy in 
 Roma baby. YeeeHa! And the whores of Roma will be waiting with open
 arms - as they always have been.
			+	+	+
 Fr. Joe Dworak, the longtime chaplain at St. Mary's Hospital in Florida, 
 has been indefinetely suspended on account of his weird sense of humor. 
 Just for laughs during the recent Florida anthrax attack, fr. Joe sent 
 one of his work-mates an inter-office memo with the words "Love & Kisses,
 Jennifer Lopez" same as in the anthrax letters. Just to make sure it
 got attention, he stuck it inside two other large envelopes to kind of
 fatten it up. It got the hospital's attention alright. They called in
 the FBI, local police and state/local health officials to check it out.
 They're all deciding whether or not to prosecute him.  Since when is
 being stoopid a crime?
			+	+	+
 Dick Withers of Philadelphia, a Jew who converted to Catholicism, racked
 up a first this week - he became America's first 'canonical hermit'. He
 lives alone in a derelict house in Philly's ghetto that he bought off the 
 city for $1. He fixed the place up to make it liveable and works one day a
 week to pay his bills. Otherwise he spends his time praying much as monks
 do though he isn't a member of any religious order. He's been trying to
 get officially recognized as a hermit since 1984. He ain't doing it for
 the fame and glory, he just wants to be officially recognized as a legit
 part of The Family. After 16 years, his Bishop finally coughed  up the 
 goodies. Atta Boy Dick! 
 			+	+	+
 Fr. Jim Cashman in County Wexford, Ireland isn't taking this retirement
 crap lying down.  When his Bishop appointed a younger successor to take
 over his parish, Fr. Jim bolted the door and refused to let anyone in 
 the place.  He shouts out an upper floor window to communicate with the
 world. The Bishop can stick his Golden Years malarchy down the same
 hole St. Patrick stuck all those dead snakes. His real fear is that his 
 Bishop is actually trying to dump him and leave him homeless with this 
 retirement scam. Apparently he has pulled similar tricks on older priests 
 he don't like.  A real buck-sucking jerk like that Butthead up in Vancouver, 
 B.C. Legally there is nothing to prevent him from doing so.  And JP-2 is
 a little too preoccupied with dying to give much of a damn.
			+	+	+
 Seton Hall University in New Jersey is famous not only for its basketball
 team but also for its curriculum as well. It ain't a half bad school. And
 their school radio station WSOU really Rocks. Well it used to anyways. This
 week Susie Diamond, the school's Assistant Vice Princess for university 
 affairs (how's that for institutionalized perversion!), told the station's 
 staff that the hard-rock/heavy-metal format would have to go. The prunish 
 old Bimbo wants something a little more in tune with her own personal tastes - 
 like Montovanni or Perry Como or something. The kind of music even Grandma 
 hates. Too bad the nosey old hag don't just butt-out and find something more 
 useful to do with her time.
			+	+	+
 Roma was all abuzz this week with the news that St. Luke's tomb may 
 actually contain the Real Thing. The Bishop had some of the teeth of
 whoever's been hiding in there for centuries sent off for DNA tests. 
 The results came back indicating the age of the deceased is approximately
 right as well as the ethnic background. Legend has it he was born in the
 city of Antioch which was Syrian at the time, not Greek. He died in 
 Greece then bounced around a bit before finally ended up in Padua, Italy
 about 1,000 years ago. But then it's just as likely whatever was left of
 him during these travels may well have been switched for something a 
 little fresher. In which case the age and ethnic background of the
 replacement corpse would be the same as his was. There's no way to be 
 conclusive. I guess the Bishop was looking for some free advertising.
 
-------------------------------------------------- 
 The above is copyright material. You want to use it, 
 ask. You want to make money off it, gimme some first. 
 I'll let you know if it's enough. You want to steal it, 
 I'll sic my lawyer Yoshi 'The Proctologist' Rasmussen 
 on you baby. He'll teriyaki your sorry butt and turn 
 it into Lutefisk.
~-------------------------------------------------- 
 MAIL:    tofoggymoment@yahoo.com
 ARCHIVE: http://www.geocities.com/tofoggymoment
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