Title:Crunchy(1/1)
Author:SPRITTLEX
E-mail:SPRITTLEX@aol.com
Rating:Totally PG
Disclaimer:I own the idea, everything else belongs to somebody else. Joss owns Xander and Anya. Various conglomerates own the other stars of this story.
Distribution:To all the girls I've loved before, and anybody that has any of my other stories. I like Newbies to ask for record keeping puposes.
Feedback:I love it. I love people that send it.
Author's note:This is a fluff piece. I was watching 'The Breakfast Club' (Excellent movie, highly recommended) and I have Pixie Stik and Cap'n Crunch Sanwiches dancing in my head. Also I have a nasty Sinus infection(the cross you bear when you have Chronic Sinusitus) which has been making work on my serious stuff kind of hard.
Spoilers(Somewhat of an addendum to Author's note): This is just a little piece of literary cotton candy that I felt like doing. Basically it's Xander teaching Anya about the joys of junk food. They aren't dating or anything, they are just spending time together. I may do a sort of Series of these. You know, Xander teaching her about human stuff. Who knows?
Summary: Xander and Anya in the kitchen.
SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN, BUT WHERE'S DINAH?
Xander was over at Anya's apartment. She had asked him last night at the Bronze if he would help her learn to be human. He figured he should start with food. Anya answered the door to find Xander laden with a huge pile of grocery bags. She could barely see the top of his head over them. He seemed to be having trouble balancing them all. "You need a little help?" She asked, taking a few of the bags off the top. "Thanks. I had forgotten how much you needed to make this stuff," Xander answered. "What are we making?" Anya asked suspiciously as she led him to the kitchen.
"I call it Xander Surprise. Willow used to call it Sugar Mud. She never had an open mind about these kinds of things, though," Xander answered.
* * *
JUST BECAUSE IT'S FOOD, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S EDIBLE
Anya had a beautiful, modern kitchen. It was all stainless steel, and black enamel tiles. She kept it absolutely immaculate. It wouldn't be that way for long.
"The first thing I want to teach you about being human is to love junk food as much as junk food loves you. In order to do this we are going to create the ultimate junk food, Xander Surprise. "Now, many have been called by the surprise, but few have been chosen. The only people to eat it, and by eat it I mean consume some and keep it down, are me and Willow. She has refused to eat any since the first time she had it, but I think you may just be tough enough to handle it," Xander said solemnly.
"Please, it's just food, what can it do to me?" Anya asked skeptically. "Famous last words, my friend. That's what Jesse said. He couldn't eat solid food for a week after he tried it. Now that I think about it, maybe I should start you on some training junk food before you try this. It really isn't for beginners," Xander said thoughtfully. "You forget, I used to be a demon. I think I can handle some junk food,"Anya said indignantly.
"Maybe you're right. Let's get started," Xander said
. * * *
DON'T READ THIS BEFORE , OR AFTER, YOU EAT
"Okay, this is a joke, right? We aren't actually going to eat this, are we?" Anya asked, timidly.
"Of course we're not going to eat this, we have a whole bunch of stuff left to put in," Xander answered, with a mischievious grin, as he poured a cup of Cap'n Crunch into the main bowl.
Anya was working on the 'wet' bowl. This cotained cake frosting and equal parts Jolt and YooHoo. There was also something called Red Rattler, which purported to be 'A Darn Good Red Drink', and something called Big Blue in the mix. Xander was working on the main, or 'dry', bowl. That had Ho-Hos, Twinkies, and the cereal in it. He was now adding some of those caramels with the creme centers to the bowl. After that he threw in some chocolate chips. He handed her some Pixie Stix and told her to mix them in. "Now, pay attention, this is important. I'm going to mix in some Lucky Charms. This is the tricky part, you want to make sure you just get the marshmallows in, not the cereal. I usually just pour it out on the counter and sift thrugh it with my fingers. You get the prize faster this way, too. Look, rub on tatoos! Cool! Dn't worry, I'll share," Xander said this last part after he had poured a box of Lucky charms all over the counter, and pulled out the prize before searching out the marshmallows. "Okay, now you mix these into the wet, while I finish with the marshmallows," Xander said, handing her a bottle of Chocolate, Strawberry, and Butterscotch syrups. "How much more is there to go into this?" Anya asked, frightened by what the answer might be.
"Let's see, not counting the potato chip garnish, I would say about five more ingriedients. If you're done with the syrup, mix these in now," he said, handing her three boxes of vanilla pudding. He proceeded to pour a bag of Gummie Bears into the bowl. He then took out her, once pristine, potato masher and started 'mixing' the 'dry' bowl again.
"I have to ask one more time, are we really going to eat this?" Anya asked, growing more terrified by the moment. "You're going to love it," Xander said reassuringly. Suddenly Xander looked stricken, and went digging through the empty bags on the counter. He looked at Anya and said, "Fudge!" "What?!" Anya asked, unclear what the problem was. "I can't find the Fudge! We can't make this without Fudge, that would be like a burger without meat," Xander said excitedly, and started to hyperventilate. Anya picked up a bag, intending to give it to him to breathe, but there was something in it. It was abrick of some brown substance with nuts in it.
"Is this it?" She asked hopefully, as she handed him the brick.
"Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, you found my Fudge!" He exclaimed as he happily grabbed the brick. He then unwrapped it and began breaking it up into the bowl. It seemed pretty crumbly. He then pulled out a box of salt water taffy and poured it in to the bowl. He then started mashing the mixture up again.
"Where did you get the idea for this, anyway?" Anya asked. "One day, when I was ten or so, I decided that rather than eating all of my favorite things separately I should just put them all together. I've been in love ever since," he said, smiling wistfully at the memories of Xander Surprises from years gone by. He handed her some Cool Whip to mix into the 'wet' bowl. He then poured a bag of Reeses Pieces into the main bowl. They both just sat and mixed for awhile. "Here, pour it in. It's time to mix them together now. Then we bake it for about twenty minutes," Xander said, holding the main bowl out to her. Anya poured the wet ingriedients in. They then went to work on mixing them together. Each did a five minute shift with a giant wooden spoon. It was then time to bake it.
* * *
LET'S FACE IT, NOT EVEN MIKEY LIKES IT
While the Xander Surprise was baking Xander kept them both entertained by doing a puppet show, using only common household appliances. Mr. Toaster had just found out his wife, the Lady Blender, was cheating on him with that cad, Pierre the Belgian Waffle Maker, when the Buzzer went off on the oven. "Hold that thought, I want to see how this ends," Anya told him as they both went to the oven. They pulled it out and sat the bowl on the counter. It actually smelled pretty good, which surprised Anya. She got some bowls and spoons from the cupboards.
"Okay now we pour the smashed bag of potato chips on top of it, as a garnish. I sometimes use flavored chips, but since this your first time we're going to stick with plain," Xander said as he poured the garnish on. He then took the big wooden spoon they had been using earlier, and dished out a serving for each of them. He waited patiently for her to take her first bite. She got a small spoonful, and took a tentative bite. It made a tremendous crunching as she slowly chewed it, her face screwed up in a flinch of anticipatory fear. She methodically swallowed. Her face unclenched, and she looked at him with a combination of surprise and admiration.
"It's fantastic! It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyine's invited! I cant believe how great this is!" She exclaimed, enthusiastically.
"That show's that you have great taste. I knew there was something I liked about you," Xander said with a big smile. "There is one thing wrong," she said, frowning. "What?" he asked, afraid he had lost the only other person who would eat his favorite delicacy. "I want to know what happened to Mr. Toaster." She said, smiling.
Well Should I do more or should I shut up? You decide! If you want the recipe, or want to know about any of the ingriedients(all of which are real) E-mail me.