Welcome to the Rugby League Co-Op Gazette's season review. We have covered all the highs, lows, drama, hits, tries, tackles, penalties, sin bins, injuries, suspensions and vomits from Grand Final to Grand Final. Read on and reminisce!

September 1999

The Melbourne Weathercocks celebrate a stunning victory in the 1999 Grand Final, at Stadium Australia. Trailing 14-0 at halftime to St George, an excellent second half by halfback Buck Kinardly thrilled the crowd. However, it was a sudden spontaneous injection of cash into the swiss bank account of referee Bill Arrogant that got them back into the match. The final minutes were filled with drama as a Kinardly bomb was caught by winger Nigel Nofriends, who dropped the ball over the line. The huge crowd waited with baited breath while the video ref waited for shock footage to be rushed over from Pox Studios. The footage clearly showed Dragons winger Jamie Cough, dressed as Darth Vader, attack Nofriends with a light saber. Referee Arrogant had no hesitation in awarding a penalty try, and giving Nofriends 16 shots at goal from right in front. Melbourne captain Glenn Lazyarse spoke of the brotherly bond he shared with his teammates, his deep affection for Victoria and the utter devotion he had to the club, before he announced he was pissing off to Canberra tomorrow because the money was better. Saints star Anthony Headline claimed racism. "How come the white fellas got the cup and I didn't?" he scowled. The winners took the trophy back to Melbourne, where a make shift tent was erected, in lieu of a Leagues club. There, the players reveled around the campfire with fans, telling tales of Baden Powell, practicing knot tying techniques, and singing "Gin gan gooly gooly gooly gooly wash wash, gin gan goon, gin gan goon….."

October 1999

The sad death of two proud clubs. The North Sydney Bears announced sadly that the honey tin was empty, after 92 years of watching Manly win premierships. Club stalwart Bob Sauna announced that some rare phenomena had combined to send the club broke. Firstly, some moron had used the wrong paint at their new home ground, Graham Park at Gosford. "We distinctly ordered red paint" he bellowed, "but the painters that NRL boss Neil Bumlicker recommended painted it all maroon and white instead. Plus someone had erected a sign that said 'Welcome to Geoff Toovey Oval', and built a Manly Ferry wharf opposite. I thought there was something fishy going on, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it". The cost blowout of the new stadium, plus an unexpected huge bill from Barbecues Galore, left the club $3.20 in the red. The NRL had no choice but to invoke Section 12, paragraph 6, clause IV of the NRL laws, which states "Any club who is in the red at the end of the year, and is NOT propped up by Rupert Murdoch, will be expelled from the premiership". The club was immediately put into the hands of receivers, namely a Mr F Stanton, of Fulton, Krilich, Vautin, Lyons, Randall and Co. After exhaustive deliberations for 18 seconds, the receivers recommended a merger with Manly. The new club was named 'The Northern Beagles', and the repainting cancelled.

A week later, the fateful results of the criteria were announced. South Sydney, the most successful club of all time, had missed the cut. Immediately, Rabbitohs CEO George Pigface called for a holy jihad, and recruited the Canterbury Supporters Club as his militia. However, the NRL's Malcolm Load stated "We could not count money from South's Juniors as sponsorship". When asked what the NRL classed as sponsorship, Load referred to the NRL laws definition, which stated "Sponsorship is money deposited by Rupert Poorcock into a swiss bank account for the sole purpose of propping up clubs who would fall apart if it wasn't for him. Any money exchanged for signage on players clothing is NOT sponsorship, unless the signage is for Poxtel". The Souths board was offered a merger with the Flatheads (formerly Cronulla). The new club would be called 'The Flabbitohs', play at Valiant Park, and wear blue, black and white. Flatheads Coach John Lung told co-op reporters "Both clubs have plenty in common, namely, we have won bugger all since the '60's!". However, Pigface declared to fight, and the Rugby League world settled in for another round of legal battles.

November 1999

NRL boss Neil Bumlicker resigns. "I have had enough." he told the Gazette. "I have enjoyed my time in office, and leave the game in good hands" he said, referring to Rupert Poorcocks hands. After a lengthy recruitment process, he was replaced by the chief of New Zealand's Sexual Happiness and Ejaculation Evaluation Program (SHEEP), Mr Alan Moffat. In his first press conference, he outlined some of the changes he would bring to Rugby League. "Firstly, I intend to keep Rugby League distinct from all other sports. Secondly, I wish to introduce lineouts, 2 point field goals, and 2 extra forwards, and get rid of the play the ball, and those pesky tries. That should fix it!" Meanwhile, the newly merged Wests Tigers announced the signings of former Manly backs Terry Dill and John Sloppyfarty. These followed the signatures of former Knight Craig Owenie, former Eel Phil McCracken, and former tripper Matt Smells. Coach Wayne Pissed celebrated the signatures with a bottle of 'Black Tower' in a brown paper bag in a cleanaway bin behind Campbelltown Station. "Wests 'll improve on lasht year" he slobbered, predicting a finish as high as 14th. In Auckland, Warriors boss Graham Blow announced the signing of Graham Marks as coach. Blow stated that Marks said they would win the comp, or he would quit. Blow stated that the Warriors owners, the Whothephukawi Tribe, were happy, especially that the Haka would be on 2GB each weekend.

December 1999

The NRL dumped 2UE as broadcaster of Rugby League, giving the sole rights to 2GB. Apparently, they were outraged at statements made by 2UE broadcaster Alan Bones in a public toilet in Redfern, about NRL corruption. Top rating caller Ray Hardly threatened to dress as a cheergirl, and call the games from the sideline "I have plenty of skirts left over from my time on the Footy Show" he revealed. Meanwhile, 2GB's Jon Farker replied that 2GB would have massive ratings success, as soon as everyone remembered where it was on the radio dial. Meanwhile, Souths were embroiled in a slanging match with the Sydney Hens, over their signing of young star Craig Drumstick.. "He's OURS!" bellowed George Pigface from one side of the Sydney Football Stadium."Where's he going to play with Souths? In the sandpit?" retorted legendary hen Artie Beetroot from the other side. Pigface responded by giving all the clubs juniors to Canterbury. Meanwhile, the Rabbitohs auctioned off some memorabilia, such as Clive Churchill's broken arm, John Sattler's jaw, and Jeremy Schlosses shoes. The pick of the lot was a small bell, used to wake the video ref up during the first ever Rugby League game in 1908. Top bidders were Canterbury, who generously donated it to current video ref John Gopher. .Meanwhile, Melbourne boss Adolph Ribot confidently announced that his team would play out of the new Colossal Stadium, as long as the owners, The Colossally Stale bank, agreed.

January 2000

With one month to go before kick off, the NRL was putting the final touches to the season to come. Alan Moffat, Malcom Load and Rupert Poorcock read submissions from the world's greatest scriptwriters about how the competition would be played. Aaron Spelling suggested that Cronulla finally win their title, beating new merged club the Balmain Magpies. Southern Cross Productions suggested Auckland v North Queensland, with the game going to extra time, with Julian Sphincter kicking the match winning field goal with 1 second to spare. Stephen King suggested Souths rise from the grave about Origin Time, and slaughter everyone in a bloodlust, including defeating Newtown n the grand final. Working Dog's Rob Stich suggestion for an all ARL grand final with a Parra playing Newcastle was rejected out of hand by Poorcock. "He picks the two clubs I don't own!" he lamented. Finally, they decided to settle on Bronco Coach Smiling Wayne Ferret's 1997 plan, where Brisbane won everything, including the penalty count. Meanwhile, Saints new signing Solomon Whoremoner disappeared from training, only to be found atop a mountain in Tibet chanting out his favorite verse from the Koran 'Mohammed, Mohammed Ali, he floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee'. Meanwhile, in further troubled signs for the grand finalists, teammates Wayne Barfly and Dick Tracey we seen bashing each other over the head with a mattock, after allegations that Tracey had gotten his car keys lost in Barfly's dog's rectum.

Elsewhere, clubs were making final preparations for the new season. Parramatta coach Brian Strife continued his youth policy, and was recruiting players from the delivery suite at Westmead Hospital. Cowboys coach Mr Sheen, amid waxing and polishing the coffee table, was explaining to his players what the goalposts were for. Northern Beagles backrower Sir Robert Menzies was pleading with veteran Manly five eight Joseph Lyons to come out of retirement again. Cronulla players were looking for a suitable club to hire to watch the grand final, and Steven Spielberg was putting the final touches to the script for the 2000 season. Only the Roosters were not ready for the premiership to start. Coach Gil Fooled had vanished from the face of the earth ever since the Star City Casino had opened. In a state of panic, they placed an ad in the Sydney Morning Herald, and got one reply. Murray Graham, who had been contracted to coach the now merged Norths, tossed a coin between accepting Easts offer, and taking a job at McDonalds nailing gherkins to Big Macs. He flipped 'tails', and went to Easts.

February 2000

KICK OFF! As the 14 clubs surge into battle, the NRL launches it's savvy new ad campaign. After criticism of past use of overseas artists with little knowledge of Rugby League, Alan Moffat contracted Welsh dirty old man Tom Bones to come to Los Angeles to sing 'What a game, What a game'. In a brief interview with Gazette reporters during recording, Bones said 'I love your code of football. Especially the helmets, and the quarterbacks!' When it was explained that the game was Rugby League, Bones bellowed "What's this game? What's this game? What the f**k is this game", before he stormed out to the local nursing home to try and score some pussy. This left the sound crew in total disarray, and unable to record the scheduled song 'Pretty try for a white guy' due to racism claims from Anthony Headline.

Meanwhile, due to the heat, games were to be played in 80 one minute segments. Brisbane and North Queensland games were moved to Antarctica. The Northern Eagles new home ground, North Brookvale Oval, was christened with a win over Newcastle. Broncos second rower Gordon Phallus captained his club for the first time, and by fulltime had worked out why all the players wore two different styles of jersey. In Melbourne, however, Adolph Ribot was handed a fax from the Colossally Stale bank, regarding his application to move his club to Colossal Stadium. The fax read "PISS OFF, LOSER!"

March 2000

The Melbourne Weathercocks played their first 3 games away from home without their CEO Adolph Ribot. Ribot was busily scouring Melbourne for a home ground for the season. A succession of AFL clubs told him to shove it, and the Olympic Park office stated that "We weren't good enough for you, so we have instead decided to allow the Pakenham Snail Racing Association to use it instead" Despite desperate negotiations and a claim that Canterbury's Daryl Cautagain could fit into the gastropod family due to his blinding speed, his application was turned down. In a fit of panic, Ribot scoured the length and breadth of Victoria, only to see the shutters go up and the doors close whenever he visited. Inside, quivering office staff would clutch rosary beads and say endless 'Hail Marys', while peering through the shutters hoping he would go away. Eventually he found a disused steroid mine in Orbost that welcomed him with open arms. Meanwhile, Waethercocks coach Chris Amsterdam confirmed that his star halfback, Buck Kinnardley, would again be the Test half, just after they were flogged by Newcastle 6002-0. Knights half John Andrews, who scored 64 tries and won man of the match, would be allowed to polish his boots, but only if he asked nicely.

April 2000

In a blaze of pre match hype, St George five eighth Anthony Headline claimed that Melbourne were useless, pathetic and incompetent, during the lead up to the grand final replay in the tailings dump of a disused steroid mine in Orbost. Headline claimed that he would get more tries than Al Gore during the match. However, much to the delight of the 13 ardent Melbourne fans, their side won 70-10. Headline immediately claimed that their forwards were guilty of racial discrimination, by refusing to be tackled by him. However, in a post match feud within the club, halfback Brent Ferret told him to 'shut his gob for the good of all mankind'. Headline stormed off to the Anti Discrimination board, to protest as to why coon cheese is cheaper than swiss cheese. The result was the latest in a series of big wins, with the closest being a narrow one point win by the Cowboys over Parramatta, after the cowboys had 62 bus loads of extra players swarm onto the field. However, NRL boss Alan Moffat was in raptures. "This is the closest Rugby League comp I have ever seen". When it was pointed out that it was the ONLY rugby League comp he had ever seen, he tersely replied "I have been watching the Kiwis play the Kangaroos for years. Most of those games are no closer than 100 points!" This view was echoed during the Anzac Day test, when Australia won 52-0, and a national day of celebration was declared in New Zealand.

May 2000

In a blaze of publicity, State of Origin had arrived! Rugby League's annual saving grace kicked off at Stadium Australia in front of a big crowd off 2000 shearers from Bourke, who got lost trying to find the Souths rally. Blues Coach Wayne Pissed continued with his pre game bonding sessions. Players were taken on an arduous cafe late` expedition in Neutral Bay, followed by a punishing Tai Chi workout, and a gruelling tour of the NSW Art Gallery. Meanwhile, his Queensland counterpart Kermit the Frog, and his assistant, former Origin centre and Uluru impersonator Chris Slob, organised an excursion to a storage tank of Bundaberg Rum for a week. Then, in a surprise move, Knights halfback John Andrews, originally selected to iron Buck Kinnardley's jock strap, withdrew. This threw the Blues into disarray, and the match was only saved after Gordon Phallus refused to leave the field after referee Bill Arrogant had penalised him. Phallis bellowed "You know what Rupert will say when he hears that you have penalised me!!". Phallus then held his breath and stamped his feet, until a team of zoologists with tranquiliser guns subdued him with a bunch of bananas, and enticed him into a cage. Meanwhile, Antrhony Headline was protesting on the Sydney Harbour Bridge over discrimination by the painting contractors, claiming that Albert Namatjira should have been given the job instead.

June 2000

'THE CLOSEST COMPETITION IN YEARS' screamed the headlines of the Daily Traitorgraph, as it was revealed that all clubs were equal on 10 competition points. NRL CEO David Moffat was in raptures, saying that the comp was extremely exciting, and the field was more open than Julian O'Neil's sphincter! However, former Wests coach Roy 'Faceslapper' Monsters claimed the comp was equal because no club had yet won away from home! 'Do they think we are total idiots?' he wrote in his column in the Sydney Morning Feral. 'The closest game all year was when the Northern Beagles got within 60 points of Canberra' However, Moffat hit back. 'We do not think the fans are idiots, and listen to them closely!' Moffat was referring to his habit of annoying fans on the hill of various grounds, pretending to listen to their complaints. Gazette reporters accompanied him to the hill at Marathon Stadium, and confirmed that 54 people whom Moffat approached told him to 'sit down and shut up until half time'! However, he revealed the results of what all the fans had been telling him. 'The fans have spoken, and I have listened' he told the club CEO's at a low key gathering in a jacuzzi in the Bahamas. 'They have quite clearly stated that they desperately want their club to merge or be punted, and Brisbane to win all the premierships. We will therefore deliver!' Meanwhile, Queensland forward Gordon Phallus declared that state of origin was a waste of time, and should be replaced by some other concept allowing Queensland to win. 'The southerners are just being bastards toward Queensland again' he bellowed after the game. 'First of all they gave us origin, allowed us to pick bias referees like the Grasshopper, then they allowed us to buy the comp. They should bloody do more!' For the third game, Wayne Pissed sent a personal letter to all the residents of New South Wales, complete with claret stains. Written on the back of a beer coaster from the Blood and Fart Hotel in Rozelle, Pissed urged Blues fans to come and cheer them on. The Blues, inspired by a stirring speech by premier Bob Truck in which he implored them to ''flog the arse off the northern scum' scores a record 54 point victory, the greatest in Origin History. After sitting in the middle of the ground for the entire match sucking his thumb, Phallus was given the man of the match award by the Traitorgrah, and told he would be vice captain of Australia in the World Cup.

July 2000

The NRL was thrown in turmoil when it was revealed that St George five eighth and chief wanker Anthony Headline disappeared suddenly. His absence was so sudden that the Dragons played with 12 men against the Cowboys 14. Headline was later found in California, arguing with Michael Jordan about was more famous. St George team mates were furious, and demanded action. The club responded by sending a bounty hunter over to bring back their errant star, whom they found hiding in a spa bath with the official finger nail buffer to Hollywood actor Uma Thermos. Headline was furious to be dragged back to Sydney before he could attend the organised tour of Bette Midler's garbage bin. The St george board had no hesitation of sacking Headline, to the unanimous cheers of the ebtire Westrern World. Howwever, in a massive dummy spit. Headline threatened to take the club to court, claiming racial discrimination. However, in a cunning counter measure, the club sacked their coach David White. His move thwarted, Headline changed his name to Sugar Ray Tosser, and embarked n a career as a pugilist. White, meanwhile, accepted an offer to coach England. When asked whether he was qualified to coach a team of pommies, White replied "I coached St George to a massive loss in Melbourne, didn't I? I am perfect for the job!" In other news, Parramatta coach Brian Strife became engaged to referees boss B B Cue, after a courtship involving weekly apologies by Cue over an NRL edict designed to conform to an official memo from Rupert Poorcock demanding referees consume magic mushrooms before Parramatta games. The Parramatta players responded by refusing to eat their vegies or pick up their Leggo blocks after training.

August 2000

Amid a massive player exodus to England, the finals arrived. As expected, the sculduggery of the NRL came to the fore, when they denied Souths a spot in the semi finals, despite remaining undefeated for the entire season. Souths responded by scheduling a match against the USA Incontinent Geriatric Amputees, which outdrew the Sydney v Canberra semi final. The clubs that missed the semis responded in different ways. The Northern Beagles blamed Norths for a losing attitude, and promptly lobbied Rupert Poorcock for the prized signature Buck Kinnardley from Melbourne. In response, Chris Amsterdam had a huge dummy spit, calling Glenn Lazyarse a fat slob, and Kinnardley a loser halfback, before confirming him as test No. 7. The Dragons decided to do nothing, as they had sacked all their employees already. Canterbury coach Steve Pokes sacked speedy winger Daryl Caughtagain, who had just become the first dinosaur to top 2000 points in a career, and predicted a move to Beirut Oval in an attempt to get more fans to games. The Balmain Magpies sacked their favorite son Wayne Pissed, and replaced him with former thug and 6 time Canterbury retiree Terry Pork.. Pissed decided to console himself with a flagon of Methylated Spirits in the back of a rust Holden HQ owned by former Magpie Great Tom Ridiculous, and vomited in disgust. The Cowboys responded to their winning of the wooden spoon by giving Mr Sheen a $6 billion bonus, and erecting a statue of him in the main street of Townsville. Auckland were put up for sale in the window of the Rororua Fush and Chup shop. Retired Flatheads legend Andrew Schitzhousen ws chaired off the field by representatives of the clubs major sponsors, St Vincent de Paul, the Salvation Army and the Smith Family. Parramatta's Jason Myth and Jim Angus Robinson continued their club loyalty by going to England. Finally, according to the final chapter in the 2000 season script, Brisbane won the premiership, with referee Bill Arrogant getting an Emmy nomination for his role. However, scriptwriters were thrown into turmoil when Gordon Phallus struggled to follow the directors instructions in rehearsals. He couldn't understand why everyone kept throwing that funny leather thing at him!

September 2000

Due to an little know Greek sporting carnival in Sydney, Rugby League was put on hold for a month. However, South Sydney's long awaited court case ended, with Justice Ernest Slogbottom refusing to let the bunnies back in. He reasoned that the NRL has the right to make an absolute goose out of themselves, and stuff up the entire comp if they so desired. 'Furthermore' he concluded' I am of the opinion that they are doing a truly thorough job of it on their own!' Elsewhere, in world cup preparations, Gordon Phallus was named vice captain for the Australian side. Captain Fred Battler applauded the move between downing schooners of Resches. 'With him as the next choice, my position is hardly under threat, is it!' Phallus responded by bashing his head on the side of his cage, and demanded more bananas. In a trial, the Kangaroos took on the Papua New Guinea side, who had walked from Port Moresby to Townsville for the clash, and won 102-0.

October 2000

RACISM! Kangaroo winger Wendel Wailer spent the night in a Townsville lockup, for allegedly throwing a bucket of phlegm at a female table dance at the Beef Bayonette nightclub. Apparently having a bonding session with Gordon Phallus, Wailer got mixed up when Phallus thought he was at a geography lesson. Noticing a freshly revealed map of Tasmania, Phallus exclaimed 'Golly!'. So Wailer happily obliged. However, furious nightclub owner Fanny Eaton-Cox complained bitterly to local police, who made the arrest. However, in a surprise move, bail was posted by Canterbury coach Steve Pokes, who used the incident to try and convince Wendell to sign with the Bulldogs. Pokes reasoned that, if he grew an afro hair cut, and joined Canterbury, he would become a golly wog! Meanwhile, the kangaroos left for England, confident that they would return with the goods.

November 2000

The World Cup was on! In a blaze of publicity throughout a bus stop wall in Cornwall, the World Cup was hyped to an eager public. However, the organisers forgot that the event was scheduled to be played in England, and were not prepared for the weather. However, this did not deter the masses, as huge crowds of up to 38 people crammed the stadiums. The Aussies has a facial hair competition, which at least gave them some competition. Contenders for the Golden Toupee were Cronulla winger Matt Bludgers, for dying his hair white, Brent Ferret for having a tree day growth after 12 days, and rookie Eel Nathan Bumswamp for passing puberty. However the winner was Rugby League, who showed the world that their best players were the spitting image of Byron Bay surfie dole bludgers. However, some countries were not so happy. The Lebanese side was made up completely of Canterbury players, while Russian prop Ian Rubbin was kidnapped by the KGB after being seen downing a shot of Vodka in a Newcastle pub. However, the New Zealand side stamped themselves as certain contenders following a big tournament by prop Joe Vagina. The Kiwis gave Australia a thrilling encounter in the final, only losing by 48 points. This was enouigh to set NRL boss Allan Moffat in raptures. On hearing of the closeness of the final, which was the closest game al year, Moffat replied 'See! I told you so!' He then retired to his bunker to devise strategies to get the games even closer for the next season, using techniques such as reducing games to 3 minutes duration, introducing cast iron balls, and banning points.

THE RUGBY LEAGUE CO-OP WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES A SAFE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, CENTURY AND MILLENNIUM!