Kiwis in legal battle

The NRL is in turmoil today over the shock revelation that former New Zealand captain Phil McCrackin is suing former New Zealand captain Stephen Kidney for loss of height. The legal action refers to a tackle by Kidney on McCrackin during last months Balmain Magpies vs Melbourne Weathercocks clash. In the tackle, Kidney spear tackled McCrackin head first into the turf, and then dropped a 10 tonne safe on him. However, Kidney claims that the matter was dealt with on the field at the time. "I copped an extremely severe penalty for the tackle", Kidney said. "Referee Bill Arrogant scolded me, and called me 'a naughty boy'!. Can you imagine the angst that has caused me? Haven't I suffered enough?" However, Balmain coach Wayne Pissed, speaking from inside a newly tapped keg of VB, pointed to the send off and trillion year suspension handed out to their former Manly winger John Sloppyfarty for scowling at an opponent in the following round. "All we want is justice", Pissed said "An..an..(hic) an anuvva keg. Man's not a bloody (hic) camel!" Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with the Co-op Gazette, McCrackin claimed that, due to the tackle, he is now only 4' 2", or roughly the height of Australian Prime Minister John Coward. "My life is hell", he moaned, telling of needing a ladder to climb on the toilet, not being able to see over the counter to read the menu at McDonalds, copping a face full of farts when in lifts, and constantly being put back in the garden by overzealous gardeners who call him "Paddy". "Whenever I go to training, the coach rests his schooner on my head. Last night, my wife stepped on my foot, and when I opened my mouth to scream, she shoved the garbage down my throat!" McCrackin was once considered a sex symbol of the Rugby League world, appearing as Mr. April in the 1991 Rugby League Sausage Feast calendar. Kidney, who joined Melbourne after being sacked from Auckland for being a useless waste of money, has vowed to fight the case.

Melbourne star to leave

After a long series of negotiations and a nervous anticipation spread throughout the western world, Melbourne's test halfback Buck Kinnardly has announced that he will join the Norths Beagles in 2001. Kinnardly stated that he will realise an ambition to team up with his old acquaintance, coach Peter Blunt, as well as to play with his hero and current NSW hooker Ricky Schroeder. The signing follows months of negotiations, as Kinnardly's lear jet was seen in many locations as he flew around to check out what each club was offering. After sighting negotiating with clubs near the Swiss Alps, the Egyptian pyramids, the great wall of China, Las Vegas, Acapulco and Niagara Falls, Kinnardley finally announced his decision today. Melbourne drought coach Chris Amsterdam immediately withdrew Kinnardley from first grade, and selected him on the bench for Moorebank, and vowed that Kinnardley would never play for Australia again. "I'll have his guts for garters!" bellowed Amsterdam, in a tirade that was dismissed by Drought boss Adolph Robot as a habit he has had for ages when losing players. However, Norths boss Cranky Frank Sao was happy with the news. "We have needed decent props for ages, so signing Kinnardly was a logical thing to do!". Kinnardley's negotiations with clubs had attracted criticism from some CEO's, who accused his wife, Gertrude, of dominating negotiations. Amid growing concerns about salary cap rorting, NRL boss Alan Moffat gave his approval to the contract. "It is remarkably similar to the one former Manly prop and mardi gras float Robert Ians had", he said. Kinnardly denied his wife negotiated the contract for him. "It has everything a man needs", he told reporters. It is understood that the contract is for a sign on fee of $50 000 per season, with a lifetime supply of New Idea, a truckload of Estee Lauder products, free leg waxing and aromatherapy for life, a week on an island in the South Pacific with Leonardo da Caprio, and a stipulation that functions involving players wives not coincide with episodes of Ally Macbeal

Ex Dragons in fight night

Former St George five eight and self proclaimed world wide hero Anthony Headline had his first professional fight in Sydney this week. Headline, now going under the name of Sugar Ray Tosser, won on a TKO in the 11th round in his fight with the late British author Barbara Cartland. However, many punters at the venue claimed the fight was rigged. Rather than being knocked down by a good right hook, it was alleged that Cartland had actually tripped over her walking frame, and fallen over. "It should have been a draw", one fan claimed. "She was just as exciting to watch as he was!" Also on the card was Tossers former Dragon team mate and blood brother Solomon Omo, who won his bout with a blow up Ronald Macdonald punching bag. Omo's fight lasted 10 rounds, due to a crafty tactic by the Ronald McDonald doll, as whenever Omo knocked him down, he would pop right back up again and hit him back! Confused, Omo was about to leap out of the ring and head off to London, before the referee called the fight off. After the bout, Tosser declared he was the world's greatest ever boxer. "Now I have conquered that sport, I will now turn to my other love, Renaissance Art!" When questioned about his abilities in the area, he declared that he was also the greatest renaissance artist of all time, and dismissed Leonardo da Vinci as an overrated sphaghetti muncher. "I'm the MAN" he continued to shout. "In Rugby League, Boxing, Renaissance Art, Nuclear Physics and Midwifery, I'm THE MAN!!!". One reporter asked him why, seeing that he had such a massive ego, why he didn't refer to himself as God, Tosser replied "I am not God. It took him 6 days to create the world so he could have Sunday off. If I had done it, I would have ended up with a long weekend!" Meanwhile, in other unrelated news, Tosser has been crowned as 2000 Aboriginal of the year, in a glittering ceremony on the back of a ute in Walgett. Esteemed tribal elder Arthur Beetroot praised tosser for his efforts in single handedly improving the public perception of indigenous Australians. "Because of him", Beetroot said, "none of our people experience racism any more!" When asked why, Beetroot replied "He's such a wanker he makes even the worst koori look good!" On hearing of his award, Tosser labelled Beetroot a racist scum, shoved two lollypops up his arse and raced off to London to teach US tennis player Pete Sandbox how to win Wimbledon.

Bulldogs veteran in another milestone

Canterbury winger and all time leading pointscorer Dorothy (the Dinosaur) Caughtagain has passed yet another pointscoring milestone. He has now scored over 2000 points in his career. It is a remarkable achievement for Caughtagain, who started his career as a youngster in the ancient supercontinent Panacea, kicking inflated Pteradactyl bladders around his cave as a youngster. When the continent eventually broke up in 350 000 000 BC, he found himself on an insignificant Island archipelago east of Australia, which was festooned with sheep. Throughout this time, young Dorothy fastidiously practiced his kicking, becoming the best goal kicker in his cave. The advent of fire and the invention of the wheel did not faze Dorothy, who was using the dented skull of a woolly mammoth as a kicking tee. As mankind advanced into the Iron age, Dorothy experimented with different materials, but preferred balls made of leather over one of cast iron, due to the difficulty of potting an iron ball over the goal posts, and the immense foot injuries that usually followed his many attempts. However, it was at this time that he joined North Sydney, and participated in their last ever premiership, in 652 BC. Son after, he joined Canterbury, and has been a fixture on the wing ever since. Having now passed the unique milestone, Caughtagain is eagerly awaiting the chance to crack the 2100 mark. At Canterbury's current scoring rate, he should achieve it in around 2026.

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