| Vol.1 No.3 |
:The Rugby League Co-Op |
Edited by Clarke Kent |
A division of News unLTD and the NRL (New Rupert's League)!!
Queensland's test lock and part time Parramatta player Jason Myth was suspended late last week. The suspension followed a tackle made on Newcastle fullback Adam McPoodle, which raised the ire of the Rugby Leaguie world, for his failure to be sent off. In the tackle, it was alleged that Myth tied a piece of wire up between the grandstands, which McPoodle ran into and decapitated himself. The tackle was so bad that the grounds staff at Parramatta Stadium had to cancel the weekly application of 'Blood and Bone' to the grass, and initiated a chorus of disapproval throughout the Rugby League world. Most vocal was Melbourne Weathercocks CEO Chris Toilets, who slammed the referees, especially their boss B. B. Cue. Toilets told Co-op reporters "The send off rule must be reinforced at all times. Even if the player .thinks about doing a rough tackle, send him off. We invest too much of US media mogul Rupert Poorcock's money into players for them to be man handled in this way. Grazed knees and chipped fingernails are hell on our insurance premiums!". The reaction to the tackle was so bad, that Knights coach Wok Fryin' bashed 16 reporters in the press conference, before condemning violence overall. But Myth argued that he had done such a tackle before, in a state of origin, without penalty. He was referring to his tackle on Blues prop Spud Casserole, where Myth cut his head off with a chainsaw, and got exonerated by the judiciary after the chainsaw actually cut Casserole's shoulders first.. However, in an intriguing twist, Eels boss Denis Fitzgerald, and his sidekick Gerald Fitzdenis alleged that Myth was actually trying to get out of playing for Parramatta. "He was out for most of the year, and came good for Origin duty" Fitzgerald said "then he deliberately got injured, and missed our next 6 games. The he made his comeback, and did that tackle after being on the field for 5 minutes only!" Myth immediately denied the allegation. "The 4 games I have played for Paramatta have been among the best in my career" he retorted. Myth, who is joining English club Hole next year, will not be back until the grand final, and then only if he signs for Brisbane. Meanwhile, angry NRL coaches an media commentators staged a protest march on state parliament calling for the send off rule to be enforced, and burned an effigy of referee's boss and former North Sydney coach B.B. Cue, calling for his head on a platter. . In reaction, referees boss B. B. Cue shook his head, and declined to comment .
Test prop avoids suspension
Melbourne's test prop Rodney Syringe was exonerated in last nights judiciary appearance for a late tackle on Norths' Ricky Schroeder last night. Syringe pleaded not guilty to a grade 2 careless tackle, saying "I took great care to belt the little bastard!" However, in a surprise move, Schroeder and his coach, Peter Blunt, sprang to Syringe's defence. Schroeder explained to the judiciary committee that it wasn't a late tackle as such, more than an early tackle for the next time Schroeder had the ball, 10 minutes later. Gazette reporters have learned, however, that the good will gesture was a political move, as Norths are in the process of buying all Melbourne's players, in a bold attempt to win the premiership by buying every player in the NRL. However, Melbourne CEO Chris Toilet blasted the sending off by referee Ray Charles. Speaking seconds after his comments on Jason Myth's send off, Toilet exploded "Why do people get sent off? What a blight on the game! Why should Rupert Poorcock pour millions into our club just to see them get sent off? I mean, where is the return on that investment? Players should NEVER BE SENT OFF EVER!!!" Meanwhile, angry NRL coaches an media commentators staged a protest march on state parliament calling for the send off rule to be abolished, and burned an effigy of referee's boss and former North Sydney coach B.B. Cue, calling for his head on a platter. In reaction, referees boss B. B. Cue shook his head, and declined to comment, before wandering away to Central Station, where he clamly jumped of platform 18 in front of an oncoming train. His memorial service is expected to be held next Tuesday.
Referee's boss found dead under a train
Referees boss and former North Sydney coach B. B. Cue was found dead on Platform 18 at Central Station in Sydney yesterday. Apparently, Cue was killed by the 7:43 all stations to Richmond train. When Gazette reporters asked local police exactly where they found the body, they replied "All stations to Richmond!" The coroner has not ruled out suicide, but NRL ceo Allan Moffat disagreed. "He committed suicide the day he accepted the job as referee's boss!" In response, angry NRL coaches an media commentators staged a protest march on state parliament calling for suicide to be abolished, and burned an effigy of Cue, calling for his head on a platter. "How dare he do this" bellowed Melbourne's Chris Toilets "Who are we going to blame now that we have no referee's boss?". However, some people have mourned his loss, but none more than Graham Annually, who is now lumped with the position. Annually is rumored to be making a deal with Moffatt, to allow Cue's ghost to continue in the position. Leading referees had a mixed reaction to the news. Steve Nark, in a moving eulogy, praised Cue for constantly picking up his mistakes. "I know what Cathy Freeman and the rest of Australia's Aboriginies are missing" he said. "It's nice having someone saying 'sorry' every week!". Other leading referee, Bill Arrogant, currently on the set of Baywatch, stormed off to his Winnebago upon hearing the news, and cancelled 3 hairdressing appointments and a toenail manicure. Meanwhile, in a touching ceremony at North Sydney Oval, Cue's former Bears players, led by former captain Jason Mullet, has a memorial sausage sizzle in his honour!
Raiders, Eagles in buying frenzy.
The NRL is in turmoil following a massive buying spree by Norths and Canberra, which is raising salary cap breach concerns again. Canberra have launched an all out assault on the Parramatta Eels. Coach Smell Mafinga explained "We are sick of getting flogged by them" he said, in response to Canberra's 6x105 -0 loss to the Eels last Saturday. "By buying their players, we will end up more like them!" Mefinga then reveald plans for the NRL to lobby to limit matches to 60 minutes, and call off the comp 2 weeks early. However, Eels recruitment officer and former test second rower Noel Squeal explained "We tell our young recruits that we are building a future premiership winning side. And we are: for Canberra!" Meanwhile, Norths CEO Cranky Frank Sao has defended claims of buying a premiership, saying that he was merely following his Manly's long used junior development policy. "We buy other club's juniors when they are fully developed!' he asserted. League historian David Endton agreed. "In the early 70's the bought Souths. IN the late 70's they bought Wests. In the early 80's they bought Queensland, and in the late 80's they bought New Zealand. Last year they bought North Sydney, and this year they are buying Melbourne!". Believed to be funded by media mogul Perry Kacker, Norths are exploiting an NRL loophole. Rather than buy all their players and risk a salary cap breach, they are calling it a merger, and taking all the players anyway. Then, instead of imposing massive salary cap fines, the give the new club $16 million instead! The new club is to be called the Stormin' Northerns, and wear a hybrid jersey that is maroon, red, purple, black, yellow, dark blue and white. Their club mascot will, therefore, be a victim of a Serbian Terrorist squad in Kosevo (but only if the accommodation is up to scratch). Meanwhile, Melbourne CEO Chris Toilets is not concerned "We have a wonderful junior development policy to fall back on" he said. However, Gazette informers in Melbourne have this week spied Melbourne boss Adolph Ribot, in a frantic state, trying to desperately woo junior AFL players over to league, with the promise of 2 sleeves, a crossbar, a guaranteed spot in the Australian test side, and a share in US media mogul Rupert Poorcock's annual $17 million dollar grant. Earlier attempts to convert little athletics participants over was a dismal failure, however, saying they did not want to miss out on playing at Olympic Park!
