| Vol.1 No.4 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
The NRL is in turmoil tonight over revelations that the Auckland Dorsets are about to go bankrupt. Sources confirm that the club is having massive trouble coming up with the balance of players salaries, leaving leading players fuming. "I came over here for $300 000 per season" former Rosters back Ivan Dreary said "I have payments to meet on my Lamborghini, and my 14 new Pacific Islands. To think I have left Sydney to live in such poverty!". The crisis is due to a year of internal strife at the club causing crowds and sponsorship to drop. Valuable funds from TVNZ did not eventuate as the station decided to screen a test pattern instead of Auckland games, as the test pattern rated better. The final straw was the bitter and very public feud between former boss Graham Slow and coach Graham Marks. Slow had alleged that Marks was a 'waste of space', and that he regretted signing him. "He led us to believe that he was the best coach ever! I mean, he walked into the interview, and our first question was 'Are you the best coach ever', and he said that he was! We then knew that we couldn't let him go, so we signed him up immediately!" When it was pointed out that it was Slow himself that recruited all of the Dorset's players, he replied "We picked the best. We modelled ourselves on several Australian clubs, and followed their path to success" NRL boss Allan Moffat agreed. "And what wonderful role models South Queensland, Gold Coast, Newtown and the Western Reds were to them too!" Current owners, the Hoothephukawi Tribe, have meanwhile announced an emergency plan that they hope will save the club. The plan involves the club relocating to Bondi and going on the dole. Tribal spokesman and former fullback Matthew Whinge said "We will continue to offer incentive based contracts, which, on current form, will save us a shitload of cash!" However, the Dorset's former Eel prop Mark Tickly complained about the incentive. "I'm not a prude by any slice of the imagination" he started, "but to me money is a better incentive that a merino ewe in a teddy!" Slow defended this action, however, pointing out that the value if the New Zealand dollar was so low, that the countries gross national product was equal to a serving of fush and chups. "Besides, it's every young New Zealander's dream to spend some time with a lusty woolen babe". Despite the current crisis, the club is continuing it's recruitment drive for 2001. High on the list of possible signings are Terry Lamb, Adrian Lam, Dale Shearer, Frank Merino and Romney Marsh.
Former players slam legal steroid use
The continued furore over the use of steroids by Newcastle back Adam McPoodle was back in the headlines this week. McPoodle is currently legally taking steroids to boost his testosterone level, due to a severe disability which affects his ability to live. However, former Souths test props Spud Casserole and Robert Ians slammed his continued use of the otherwise banned drugs. "No athlete should be on drugs. If he cant perform without them, tough titties. He shouldn't be playing!" When it was pointed out that the drugs enabled him to survive, Casserole bellowed "What a wimp! What is death anyway? Plenty of people have died before, and you don't hear them whinging about it afterward, do you! I mean, there are plenty of dead people in society who are in positions of great respect. Look at Federal Parliament, SOCOG, and the NRL for example!" Ians, a former Manly purchase and mardi gras float agreed. "All my life I have craved testosterone. In fact, I used to search the length and breadth of Oxford Street every Saturday night looking for it!" That's not the only thing you noted the length and breadth of" said Casserole, with his back securely against the wall. "I remember the '90 Kangaroo Tour!" However, in a surprise move, McPoodle's arch enemy, Bronco winger Popye the Sailor Man, sprang to his defence, and blasted the statements as unsensetive to his plight. "I was once tackled by Ians in a game against the Cowboys a few years back. I never ever want to be tackled by a bloke with a lack of testosterone again! I couldn't walk properly for a fortnight! He should just piss off back to his sausage emporium". Also leaping to McPoodle's defence was current test prop Rodney Syringe, who described life before steroids. "It used to be bloody cold in that pool in the morning", he said. "Beijing is freezing at the best of times, and me and the other girls would turn blue halfway down the pool. But a regular dose of juice from that nice little Mexican fellow helped a lot. Of course, the advent of facial hair and testicles made it difficult for me and the other girls to find male suitors. But then I read about Robert Ians, and got his phone number off a toilet wall in London during Olympic Trials. He put me onto Adolph Ribot, and the rest is history. Of course, fleeing communist China was no picnic, but changing my name from Xiang Long Dung to Rodney Syringe helped heaps in customs!"
Saints forwards in wild brawl
The wretched season of the St George-Bulli Steel Coal Dragons continued last night, with a wild brawl between forwards Andrew Lung and Lance Corporal 'Bluey' Thomas. Apparently, the brawl occurred at a post match dress up function, when both players argued over who would wear the pink negligee with pearl sequins. Insiders claim that Bluey had traditionally worn it at such events, but as he had been out injured with a ruptured uteris, Lung had decided it was now his. "It was one of the best cat fights I have ever seen" one observer told Gazette reporters. "Fur flew everywhere. Actually, a few punters commented that they would pay great money to see a rematch". The comment was siezed upon by former Saints legend and president of the Australian Cauliflower Ears association Harry Tub, who immediately investigate the possibility of the club withdrawing from the NRL and joining the WBF. "This club is renowned for producing punch happy thugs" he boasted. "In fact, we won 11 straight premierships on our legendary ability to bash the tripe out of our opposition. We would have won 12 had Canterbury not signed Cassius Clay and George Forman back in '67! With former players Solomon Omo and Anthony Headline (now called Sugar Ray Tosser) making a successful entry into professional boxing, we may as well get the whole club involved. At least we might win something!" A potential card for their first event would see Lung up against Thomas, followed by a light heavyweight bout between second rowers Wayne Barfly and Dick Tracey, a geriatricweight bout between former co-coaches Darcy Date and Andrew Jarrah, a heavy weight clash between Omo and his former missus Gina "goldentwat" Fellacio, followed by the grand finale between Sugar Ray Tosser and his arch rival, former Canberra hero Laurie "Old Legs" Boomgate. Kogarah Oval has been slated to host the event, with a pre match fun-for-all-the-family gala riot between St George and Canterbury fans, to be refereed by Saints favorite referee Steven Nark. Nark tentatively accepted the offer, but only if the club provided a raincoat.
Media mogul in shady salary cap breaches.
The management of the North Sydney Beagles went into hiding this week, due to revelations that their much publicised purchase of test half Buck Kinnardly was completely funded by US media tycoon Rupert Poorcock. Angry protesters filled the streets of Gosford, Hornsby and Turramurra (where the angry residents sent their servants out onto the streets to protest). "That bastard wouldn't lift a finger to save the Bears" one angry resident retorted, referring to the forced merger between the old North Sydney Bears and the Manly Plunderers. Outrage was also apparent in Melbourne, where the Melbourne Weathercocks CEO Chris Toilet was stunned by the revelation. "Poorcock pours millions into this club merely so we clan plunder other clubs, so we don't have to raise those snotty little juniors. So, why is he funding players to leave us? Has he more money than sense?" Adolph Ribot, the Weathercocks owner, was rumoured to be close to a nervous breakdown. "Funding from Poorcock is our only income. If he pays players to leave us, we are doomed!" Former Adelaide cheif Liz Flatulence, in a bitter statement, said "What does Melbourne expect? He did this to us. He did it to Perth, Wollongong, the Gold Coast, and he is about to do it to Auckland" In an unaligned statement, a leak from the senior executive of News Unlimited reveals plans for expansion into new Rugby League territories, including Birdsville, Oodnadatta and Wilcannia, but only until more Sydney clubs get punted, when the funding will subsequently run out. Meanwhile, Manly CEO Cranky Frank Sao denied a salary cap breach, saying "How can we breach a salary cap when we haven't got one?" Meanwhile, as semi finals approach, it is understood that the 3 joint venture clubs, Norths, St George-Bulli and the Balmain Magpies, have all missed the playoffs, despite having massive salary cap assistance by Poorcock. NRL CEO Allan Moffatt descibed this as a huge success "By combining these clubs, the Broncos didn't have to travel to Sydney too often to get competition points". Behind the scenes investigations reveal the Kinnardly funding by Poorcock has amounted to a total capituation by the once former ARL loyal Sao. "Of course I haven't changed my view on the Traitor League war. I just didn't realise what a warm, loving, intelligent, witty, cute, honest, sexy, forthright and downright wonderful person our savior and almighty lord Rupert was!" Sao then proceeded to say 1000 hail Lachlans, before speeding of to attend a religious ceremony at Our Lady of the Wrecked Premiership church, where he is an altar boy.
