| Vol.1 No.5 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
Balmain Magpies officials were fuming at the news that star winger John Sloppyfarty had been cited to appear before the judiciary on a multitude of charges. These arise from last Saturday's match against the Melbourne Weathercocks, which the Magpies lost in a tight one, 98-96. The charges are: 315 counts of a grade one head high tackle, 67 counts of lifting, 48 counts of tripping, 115 counts of attacking a players head, 74 counts of bad flatulence, 28 counts of manslaughter, and 1 count of being a coconut when in possession of the ball. Magpies coach Wayne Pissed, speaking from an AA meeting inside a cask of Riesling at Pokolbin, slammed the judiciary. "Sheesh, the poor (hic) fella didn didn (hic) didn't deserve all that.", before lurching into a version of 'Danny Boy' while fumbling with his fly at the urinal. However, Sloppyfarty's teammate, former Test centre Terry Saliva blamed the powerful influences of their former club, Manly "The thilly thing ith, they have never forgiven uth for leaving at the end of latht year. They have probably gotten the refereeth to give him a hard time. Itth a thad thate of affairth!" However, Sloppyfarty is considering pleading guilty to the charges. "I used to cop charges like this all the time at Manly, and always got let off" However, judiciary boss Jim Corridor cited little know section IV, paragraph 8, articles iii) to iv), which states "Any player whose jersey contains the colour 'maroon' shall be exonerated. Any player who has left a club who's jersey contains the colour is 'maroon', and whose new jersey colour contains no 'maroon', shall have massive charges trumped up against him, and the rule book thrown at him!" However, Sloppyfarty's mother Sasquach leapt into the fray, citing racism. "It's all because he is black!" They then retired for a quiet drink and brawl at the Bourbon and Beefsteak bar. Meanwhile, former Manly coach Bob Fullbottom hit out at the claims of Manly bias. "We got no preferential treatment that any other club that bribed the judiciary didn't get" However, in a stinging rebuke, Wayne Pissed hit back. Speaking from the bottom of a urinal at Pokolbin, Pissed bellowed "It's a loooong waaaayyy, to Tip-a rar-reeeeeeee", before passing out in disgust.
Betting scandal rocks club
Leading bookmaker Povertybet suspended betting on the Balmain v Melbourne match, after a huge series of bets were placed on Melbourne by former Balmain forward and mafia hitman John " Gunner" Scrotum. "We smelled a rat when, after not taking a brass razoo for the game al week, Gunner Scrotom laid $50 000 down against his old club. Then, the next day, 16 members of the Scrotum family also put massive bets on. The payout would have been equivalent to a Brisbane salary cap. We cannot afford such huge payouts!" NRL investigators were looking into the allegations, and tried to establish an match fixing claims. They interviewed board members Hansie Cronjie, Mohammad Azzaradin, Salim Malik, Shane Warne and Mark Waugh, and promptly gave the club the all clear. Club CEO Martin Cow was delighted. "Match fixing doesn't occur here at Balmain. Everyone knows it is all done in NRL headquarters at Pox Studios!". However, Povertybet spokesman Hugh Roller retorted "We have been aware of match fixing for some time. I mean, North Queensland won some games this year. These things don't just 'happen' if you now what I mean". With the scandal growing by the hour, Gunner Scrotum decided to prove to the world that there was no untoward activity in his bet, and donated his winnings to the NSW Police Service. In a generous move, police officers took his chains off, gave him his old clothes back, and let him walk through the gates of Long Bay Prison into the sunshine. Meanwhile, in an unrelated story, NRL investigators were seen with a shoe box full of green paper hiring a 20m yacht and 6 young prostitutes for a reconnaissance mission to the Whitsundays.
Melbourne coach in dummy spit
The NRL is in turmoil tonight after Melbourne Weathercocks coach Chris Amsterdam let fly with some well aimed comments this week. In a sweeping statement to Gazette reporters, Anderson called the Brisbane Drongoes "up themselves bastards", former club captain Len Lazyarse "a fat useless prick with ears", and labeled his club CEO Chris Toilet as "a great advertisement for condoms". Amsterdam was letting off some steam before the semi finals, when he decided to air his thoughts. "I have suspected that Brisbane were no good for a while now" he said. "They are only in this for their own greed. I mean, they went and bought the premiership in 1995, and then it STILL took them 2 years to win it!" But Drongoes CEO Fast Eddie Shanes was quick to hit back. "WE DID NOT BUY THE COMP!" he bellowed. "Rupert Poorcock did! We merely bought all the best players, organised the games, made up the rules, told the referees how to referee, and make sure we won every game. But that whinging bastard thought we only did it for our own greed. Jeez, we let them have a spot in the semis. What more did they want?" Amsterdam 's response was swift. "A crowd would have been nice", he said, referring to Brisbane's fatal flaw in Super League: they forgot to buy supporters for all the clubs involved. Club staff would wheel out life size Tellytubbies cardboard cutouts, and put them all around the stadium. Them, the amount of cutouts was multiplied by 28000, which became the "official" crowd. Lazyarse could not be contacted last night. Co -op staffers went to his house, but he couldn't be bothered getting off the lounge to answer the door. However, Chris Toilets responded to criticism of the club's failure to resign star half Buck Kinnardley. "People think just because we have a permanent line of credit with US media mogul Rupert Poorcock, that we can just spend it willy nilly on players. I mean, we have a leagues club to repair" he said, in reference to the clubs' own 3 man tent. "Besides, I've had a gut full of his whining, especially when I keep sticking up for him. I mean, I stuck up for him again today. Most of our players were having a bitch session, saying that the coach wasn't fit to work with pigs. But I stuck up for him, and told them that he was!"
Saints ace Player of the Year
In a glittering ceremony in the carpark of the Bexly TAB, St George five eighth Brent Ferret won the 2000 Boney M Player of the Year. It was a fitting reward for the young star, who has been a shining light in a dismal year for the club. Ferret said that he had enjoyed most of the year, because he didn't have to bow to the wishes of former five eighth and current middleweight boxing champion of the Redfern dole office, Sugar Ray Tosser. Ferret has also won a spot in the World Cup train on squad. However, this news upset him. "I get to keep training, and have a huge chance to spend October in England. Meanwhile, all the other boys have been on the piss since Monday, and are about to spend October on a beach in the Caribbean! Lucky buggers. I know where I'd rather be!" Ferret cited the latest outburst by Test coach Chris Amsterdam as nothing more than him preparing for the tour. "He will be whining like a stuck pig over in the U. K.. It helps him fit in with the locals!" Ferret's desire to miss the tour is similar to the general attitude among players. However, NRL CEO Allan Moffat disagrees. "It has been a huge benefit to us, as it has allowed us to get rid of the players with the lowest I. Q. I mean, look at all the dimwits who are going to play with English clubs, just to avoid going to England for the World Cup!" However, QRL boss Ross Gutless expressed horror at this statement. "IF they want to rid the comp of players with low IQ's, then what will happen to all the Queenslanders?" At an urgent board meeting to discuss the situation, one QRL member floated the idea of bringing back the Gold Coast club, and was promptly executed by Drongo special assault cheerleaders, who are sworn to defend Brisbane's right to own Queensland. The board then resolved to field their own comp, which Brisbane volunteered to run. "We have experience at it, and will get it right this time", said Fast Eddie, "We will only have one club: the MIGHTY DRONGOES!" He then retired to produce a home and away draw, and a semi final format. Meanwhile, Moffat merely sighed, and got a large chainsaw out, and, beginning at Tweed Heads, proceeded to cut along the dotted line.
