| Vol.1 No 6 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
Gosford Beagles backrower and former Prime Minister Sir Robert Menzies is delaying making a decision on his career. Menzies is the subject of a big offer from Parramatta, but is still negotiating to try and get the best deal. "We wish he would make up his mind" mused Eels boss Denis Fitzgerald, and his running mate Gerald Fitzdenis. "We have bent over backwards to accommodate him. We have even offered to have life size portraits of the Queen in the warm up areas and the showers. We can't do much more than that." However, Menzies is worried that the portraits would not be enough, as they may clash with the Pokemon posters that the rest of the young side have installed. Young Eels captain Nathan Useless said "We have a wonderful time here. If we play well, we get a free McHappy Meal, and I we play really well, we get a special screening of the Wiggles movie. The player of the year gets to see Hi Five live. Plus there is stack of Leggo here. I don't know why he won't come and play with us!". However, sources close to Manzies suggest that he is demanding that Parra also sign former Manly veteran Joseph Lyons, without whom, Menzies cannot score any tries. However, Lyons is not available to play, as he is committed to the Housie nights at the Seaforth War Veterans Home, where he is the bloke that whistles when the number 69 is called out. Fellow Beagles player and club captain Ricky Schroeder is confident Menzies will stay. "He got all excited when the Queen Mum turned 100. It was special to him, not only for his love of the Royal Family, but because he remembers the big party we threw Lyons when he turned 100!". In late news, Parramatta have demanded that Menzies make a decision by noon tomorrow. Coach Brian Strife has said that their patience is running out. "Forget the bloody Queen portraits. The closest we can go with the Queen thing is playing "Fat Bottom Girls" as the team warms up". However, this has horrified Schroeder, who predicts Menzies thinks of the Royal Family when he hears that song! Nevertheless, the offer to include Freddy Mercury's songs in their training regime has attracted a late offer from former Manly prop Robert Ians, but only if he can bring his quilt.
Junior Quits
After a disappointing year with the newly merged Balmain Magpies, coach Wayne Pissed has announced his shock resignation. Speaking in an emotional press conference inside a bottle of Metho, Pissed explained his decision. "I have been here long enough, and it's time I moved on" And then he did exactly that: staggering up the road to the very next pub! Club CEO Martin Cow explained "Wayne had been Balmain coach for 5 years before the merger. When we got together, the addition of the 2 Wests leagues clubs excited him greatly, but he feels that his inability to get the side to the semi finals signaled the end". Pissed had told reporters that the decision to go was made during the match against Penrith, where his side let 64-0 with 5 minutes to go, and lost. However, rumors quickly arose that Pissed was asked to resign by the Magpies Board. Their failure to make the finals, after combining 2 clubs, being given $600 million by media mogul Rupert Poorcock, a salary cap equal to the entire English Premier League, and a free reign to sign up Manly rejects, was the last straw. However, the Rugby League community threw their public support behind Pissed, who coached NSW to a record win over a Queensland side who couldn't be bothered being there in the first place. The Magpies are currently viewing prospective coaches. An early favorite, Gil Fooled, was knocked back when he was caught proposing marriage to a poker machine. Another candidate, former Bulldogs great Terry Wether, was accused of being a Canterbury spy still pushing for a takeover by the Bulldogs. Current Knights coach Wok Fryin was immediately ruled out, as his time at both Wests and Balmain was so damaging the two clubs had to end up merging! Interviews will continue over the off season. The position pays $250 000 per annum, a car, and office, 3 staff, and a guaranteed holiday every September.
Eels coach in brawl with official
The NRL is in turmoil tonight following allegations that a staff member was poked by Parramatta coach Brian Strife at the SFS on Saturday Night. The official, Elvis Snot, complained to the Human Rights Commission that Strife had "poked him in a life threatening, discriminatory and sexually harassing manner". Demanding an immediate War Crimes trial, Snot claimed Strife prodded his abdomen. "I have taken out a restraining order on him. He is a brute! He is feral! Keep him away from me!" However, Strife is proclaiming his innocence, and blames Snot for preventing his players from entering the field at a crucial stage of the semi final against the Eels. "He hid rookie halfback JP Swamp's Pokemon cards, and the kid broke down and cried! So I poked him" Then, all pandemonium broke loose. Grounds security staff, on hearing of the prodding, apprehended Strife, searching for a gun in his pocket. But all they found was that Strife was glad to see them, hence the prod. After a cold shower, Strife reemerged, and was seen chatting happily with Referee's boss B. B. Cue. But the distraught Snot was not amused, and filed a report. "Every time he would turn to check the scoreboard, he would bash me in the kneecaps! " However, NRL Chief Alan Moffat was unavailable at the time to act. He was down at the Coca Cola bottling plant fitting his new spectacles. Nevertheless, he did promise to get the fans point of view. "On this, and every other issue, I will consult those on the hill. Then I will ignore them and do whatever Rupert says!" When asked how this was going to impress fans, he replied, "It isn't. But with Brian Strife and his prod being on show every week, I'm not really able to compete, am I?". Meanwhile, the Eels team took an easy day today. Rather than the scheduled ballwork and weights training, they will spend time in the sandpit, have some cheese sticks with Nutella for lunch, and have an afternoon nap before Sesame Street comes on.
Cronulla legend bows out.
The Rugby League world was in mourning following the realisation that the Cronulla Fish Finger's glamour boy Andrew Shitzhousen has played his last game. He was in a race against time to recover from a serious eyelash injury, and was hoping the Fish Fingers season would extend long enough for him to get a run. But sadly, that dream evaporated his side blew a 67-0 half time lead to lose to the Brisbane Drongoes 148-67. Shitzhousen, who will be remembered for being chaired off the field only in the fantasy world of advertising, lamented his clubs continual failure to win a premiership. "We will get there one day" he asserted, during a leg waxing and buttocks manicuring session. Shitzhousen, who was once called 'The million dollar man', after an explicit photo of him in the showers on the 1990 Kangaroo Tour ended up in Sausage Monthly magazine, which he promptly sued. The picture also showed Balmain hooker Benny Backdoor, who got $6.50 in the same payout. Cronulla coach John Lung was full of praise for Shitzhousen. "The babes he could attract were phenomenal! In fact, in our last game, no one knew the score, because all the crowd ignored the game and perved on him!" However, club officials are secretly worried that Shitzhousen's retirement will spell doom for the struggling club. With a history of relying on either the NSWRL or Rupert Poorcock to fund them, they realise time is running out. However, club CEO Buck Rogers denied this. "We are asset rich, and own a boutique stadium!" he said. Meanwhile, in a secret move, NRL officials have had Cronulla's assets valued by leading property valuers Pug, Bang and Jism. The Gazette obtained a leaked copy of the report, which shows the Flatheads assets as "100 ha of radioactive swamp, 2 disused oyster leases, a combined Kindergarten and AA counselling unit, an empty trophy cabinet, and 2kg of cobwebs". The report concludes that the clubs assets are worth the price of an old Deep Purple cd, and little more. Undercover Gazette reporters confirm that the club has asked Shitzhousen to donate his million dollar appendage to the club in a good will gesture, but Schitzhousen refused. The club will nevertheless honour him with a glittering reception, and a night out with Lorena Bobbit.
