| Vol.1 No 7 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
The NRL is in turmoil tonight, following a demand by Raiders coach Smell Mafinga that the judiciary suspend Parramatta's Jim Angus-Robinson for a dangerous tackle on the weekend. Mafinga, who one complained that the ARL left him in poverty with only a lear jet, 4 diamond mines, and half the GNP of a 'pissy little island archipelago' called Japan, demanded action after his club suffered in similar circumstances last week. 'Big Smell' was still fuming, after the entire Raiders squad was suspended, after they all lined up to spear tackle Penrith forward Tony Pulitoohard. The big Kiwi ended up being flattened, and is now seeking work as a footrest. The players only copped a one week suspension for a normally six week offence. However, judiciary chairman Sir Julius Scum QC invoked little known section 16.4,clause XI, paragraph ii), sub paragraphs 62-66, which state "A player may have his suspension reduced by 50% if he is from a club owned by Rupert Poorcock. This suspension will be further reduced if the club coach is a big, mean, nasty bugger'. Mafinga, who once made a hamburger pattie out of Connor O'Michael's nose in a state of Origin one night, condemned the judiciary. "We are only being suspended because Perry Kacker had a few cameras at the game. Damn his home movies! There was nothing wrong with what they did. What's wrong with a few spear tackles between friends, anyway?" Then, he quickly about faced, and proclaimed "Spear tackles are a blight on the game, and anything that remotely resembles a spear tackle must earn a massive suspension!". He then disappeared to prepare legal action against the ARL for leaving him in abject poverty.. But the victim in the tackle, Craig Flasher, jumped to Angus-Robinson's defence. "It wasn't a spear tackle. I tried to milk a penalty, by dislocating my neck and doing Christopher Reeves impersonations" Angus-Robinson is crucial to Parramatta's fortunes in the semi finals, as he is the only player in the club to have passed puberty.
Souths gear up for game
The South Sydney Rodents were gearing up for a fundraising game of football this week, against major giant Rugby League playing nation Antarctica. The match has been described as 'the match of the century". "That's because it's our ONLY game of the century" bemoaned Souths fan and radio DJ Andrew Denture. Denture was responding to the still going court case against the NRL for readmission to the competition. However, big name recruit, former St George back Sugar Ray Tosser pulled out, after possible legal problems arose with St George. Tosser proclaimed a month ago that he wold be starring for Souths, and declaring that his presence would drain the Olympic Stadium of fans during the opening ceremony. "Forget the Olympic Flame. I'll bend over and show you something which shines much brighter!" he stated at the time. However, legal action by the NRL has prevented his appearance. "He is STILL a contracted player" bellowed Saints legal adviser Edmund Grope, QC. "He should be playing for us, even though we stopped playing 3 weeks ago!". Despite the disappointment, Rodents boss George Pigface remains confident of success. "Have a look through the record books. Antarctica have never been beaten in a Test, and we are undefeated this year as well!". However, the NRL were mobilising it's forces against that game last night, threatening legal action if it went ahead. "How dare they call it a Rugby league game" bellowed NRL boss Allan Moffat. "I mean, they aren't propped up by Rupert Poorcock, they don't lose games to biased referees, their club is profitable, and they look after junior development. Doesn't sound much like a Rugby League club to me!". Pigface hit back at this, saying "The current NRL competition is corrupt, biased and totally devoid of all sporting ethics. That is why we are fighting so hard to get back in!"
Nervous Brisbane rush back test prop
The Brisbane Drongoes have rushed back test prop Shane Esky into the side for the grand final qualifier against Parramatta. Esky, still recovering from a grazed nipple he got 3 years ago, was rushed back, in a sign of panic by the normally placid Brisbane camp. But coach Smiling Jeff Kennet was putting on a brave face. 'I am looking forward to beating that little man and his children" he said, in reference to his long running feud with Parramatta coach Brian Strife. However, sources reveal that the Drongoes camp is in turmoil, with second rower Gordon Phallus declaring the game should be called of, and threatening to sit out the season if it isn't. The news got worse when it was revealed that Phallus was assigned the role of masterminding the teams game plan. In a document leaked to the press, their game plan involves forgetting the words to the national anthem, arguing with the referee, and forgetting complex rules like the 6 tackle rule, the forward pass rule, and the complex mathematical formula that determines if your teams score is higher than your opponents. However, the Sydney based Drongoes Fan Club is determined to make Stadium Australia like a home game for their beloved side. They plan to rewire the circuit board of the stadium clock, to make it run slower. They also plan to put up life size posters of Queensland heroes like Pauline Hanson, Joh Bjelke Peterson and Adolph Ribot. Special heating equipment will raise the stadium temperature 10 degrees, and the seats will be perfumed with the scent of pineapples and bananas. Finally, they plan to drug the ground announcer so he speaks slower, and end every sentence with the word 'Ay'. But Parramatta chief Denis Fitzgerald, and his 2IC Gerald Fitzdenis claim they are ready for anything the Drongoes throw at them. "We usually win at ANZ Stadium anyway" he quipped. "Hell, they even have blue and gold light poles up there"! He then detailed Parramatta's counter plan. "We will feed our side heaps of red cordial, lollipops and chocolate, and they will become such hyperactive brats that the opposition will flee for their lives"
Little Artie slams media.
Sydney Hens coach Murray Graham slammed the media today over allegations that his club is a 'transit lounge of overpaid chokers'. Graham was speaking after his side flogged Canberra 600-0 in the semi final on the weekend. But critics of his side point out that the big win meant little, as the entire Canberra squad was suspended for a mass spear tackle on Penrith forward Tony Pulitoohard. The Raiders had to use volunteers from the Tuggeranong CWA, who put up a gallant fight until the referee Steven Nark ruled that knitting needles were not allowed in tackles. With their game plan in ruins, they collapsed, and the Hens ran riot in their best semi final performance in 25 years. However, critics were not impressed, and predicted the side would be no chance against Newcastle on the weekend. "It is not fair that these claims be pitted against my players" he bristled. "This club is NOT a transit lounge. Some of our players have been here for weeks!" When pressed about his sides past reputation as finals chokers, he retorted "None of these guys have earned that reputation. They have not been here long enough for that". However, Gazette sources have revealed that Graham and Parramatta coach Brian Strife have held a secret think tank on how to avoid finals choking. The results are that both teams have been living on a diet of soup, oysters and small pieces of meat coated in Teflon. Sydney captain Fred Battler praised the new diet, but was a bit concerned when club officials insisted on adding Teflon to his beer. "They reckon it will help the carrots slide back out when I vomit" he told Co-op reporters "but I prefer to chew them in that situation anyway. It saves me having breakfast". Strife told of similar problems with his team, who point blank refused to eat their vegies, whether they were Teflon coated or not. "Brussels sprouts are the worst, b ut that has been a hidden bonus for us. I have promised that whoever drops the ball on the weekend will be forced to eat a whole plate full. We are, therefore, confident of victory!"
