| Vol.1 No 8 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
Australian coach Chris Amsterdam has made another strange selection,giving the Australian halfback jumper to former Melboring Drought, now Northern Beagles half Buck Kinnardly, instead of Newcastle half Andrew Johns.Amsterdam said the selection was based purely on form and awards won by the players,with no favouritism given to his former player. When posed with the question that after Johns had won the Golden Boot, Amsterdam replied:'Who cares.That award has some credibility.Everyone gets a fair go at winning it and it isn't rigged because of lack of morals or decency.It's a crap award.The true awards are the Traitorgraph awards.Buck succeeded there,thus should get the spot.' When told that only Melboring players were entitled to win the award, Amsterdam claimed that the press were harrassing him and called in bodyguards Robert Ians and Sugar Ray Tosser to calm the audience.Ians threatened to scratch all press members unless they stopped harrassing this 'poor old gentleman who is being discriminated against based on race and the fact he was rather cute when angry'. Kinnardly claimed there was no favouritism either,stating that he was deserving of the job.'Look,i've played with the most unethical,corrupt bunch of thugs in history,taken drugs,paid selectors,screwed the entire board and have joined a new club purely for an extra dollar to spend at next year's Australian Fashion Awards.They picked the tougher player,and I am the tougher player without a doubt-physically and mentally.'Kinnardly then broke down in tears after our interviewer pointed out that he had broken a nail.'All you guys ever do is harrass poor souls like me who are simply out for personal gain!!Leave me alone!' Andrew Johns said that there's no hard feelings from him over Kinnardly's selection, but he then went on to say that he was rather happy to play second fiddle as the hooker.'It's just not right for me to have no groin trouble,so obviously i'm going have to go to hooker and start getting down to business again. Robert Ians has stepped in with an offer to help him get his groin back to normal,but Johns wants assurances that he won't include physiotherapy that involves Johns lying on his stomach.
Worriers bought by new Consortium
The Auckland Worriers are no longer in existence, after the Hoothephukawi tribe sold their controlling interest to New Zealand businessman Eric Whatamion. Whatamion said that he bought the ailing club for $2, after his wife said it would be good to own a Rugby League club.Whatamion said that he was delighted to make his wife happy.'Bloody happy with the purchase.If my wife thinks we should own a Rugby League club,we will.If she thinks we should move to Australia,we will.'When quizzed about the Worriers financial viability,he was cool as a cucumber.'I mean,what has the clubs financial viability got to do with anything?As long as we have the sheep to sell themselves outside the ground and Rupert Poorcock giving us handouts,there shouldn't be a problem.'When asked about whether the buy was a good business move,he showed the utmost intelligence.'I mean,a blonde model who makes her living showing her funbags told me to buy it.You don't get much more intelligent than that.' Former Worriers mentor Graham Marks was overlooked for the position, with former Chokeamatta Squeels assistant Daniel Amsterdam was appointed coach.When asked about how he believes the new outfit,the New Zealand Once-were-warriors, would perform in their first season.'I think we'll go well.With Eric already signing players like Tracey Bones and Dodgy Leers.With some more Worriers off-casts like Ican't C. Cleary and Mark Tickley,we should set the comp on fire.'When asked whether he thought the owners were good people,he said'Oh yes!!The Hoothephukawi tribe are great people with the greatest integrity!!'When told Eric Whatamion had bought the club,he said'The Hoothephukawi tribe are a bunch of tossers who buy the ref!!'The new club has already played two trial matches,beating the NZ resident's side 40-0,but losing to Otago 22-10.Anderson commented on his side after the Otago game,'Our side deserved to win.No doubt.They should've won despite missing 700,986 tackles,dropping 6,508 passes,losing the penalties 678-0 and the scrums 56-1.The referee was biased!!!!It's all his fault!!Sack them all!!'Chokeamatta coach Brian Strife was not surprised by Amsterdam's comments.'I congratulate him!!!I've taught him well!'
Balmain Magpies name new coach.
Balmain Magpies have announced their new coach for next season.Their new mentor will be former Can'tuburyme Puppies great and former lower grades coach Terry Beefsteak.Beefsteak has said he's looking forward to working with the new side.'Wayne Pissed did a great job with the side in their first season,especially after Phil McCracken was put out of action with a grazed lip.'That really was an horrific accident and I hope that Phil recovers soon.'Magpies captain Darren Slightlyleft said that his team were confident of a great showing next season.'We should go very well.I mean,we have a greta coach and a great winger in John Sloppyfarty.If he gets back to his old Manly tricks,we'll be unstoppable.'Asked if he was going to stop his team talking to the referee,Slightlyleft said there was no consideration of it.'Hell,we'll probably end up giving them more lip.'This prompted referee's boss Graham Annually to give a press conference.'There will be no backchat tolerated at all.We will not stand for players using such disgraceful language as 'poo' or 'darn'.It's sacreligious!'Leading referee and male model Bill Arrogant said that there would be no leeway from him.'There's absolutely no way i'll tolerate any talking from the players on the field.'He then answered his mobile phone and had a brief talk.He then stated'Actually,I might tolerate some backchat,but only from Melboring.'Another call and Arrogant said'Bugger it,Melboring can say what they like.'Other leading referees Steve Nark and Tim Blander said that there was no room for dissent in the game.In a joint statement,they declared taht if any player was to backchat,they would have their pants pulled down and be sent to the sin-bin, where they'd have to answer to Robert Ians.The new NRL fulltime referee,Paul Simplewife was not asked to comment,apparently because he didn't work for Rupert Poorcock,he didn't do wanky commercials advertising dairy products, he didn't have an affair with a Canetrbury boss and didn't think of Melboring as gods.
World Cup rocked.
The World Cup final could be refereed by a Tortoise from the Galapagos Islands while England,as always,have been fiddling with their balls.
With the World Cup Final almost certainly to be played between Australia and New Zealand,NZRL chief Gerald Dying has stated that the World Cup Final must be refereed by a person with no preference to either side.As a result,a tortoise named Richard Cranium might be flown in for the big game.Dying said to a packed media conference'We must have a neutral referee!!He can't know any rules,he can't be able to move and he can't be able to see anything,which will allow our big names like Joe Vagabonds and Logan Duck to start belting the Australians like we always do!!'When asked why he didn't simply want Russell Myth or Stuart Going,he said this:'Going's a decent referee.We simply can't have a good referee doing the game.It just isn't fair.Australia has all these players that can actually play football,while we just have some sheeplovers who just want to fight.We need help!!As far as Myth goes,he actually let's Australia fight back!!How unfair is that?'Australian coach Chris Amsterdam declined to comment,saying that if the tortoise has a crappy haircut,used to be a cop and does margarine ads,he's happy to meet him and talk about the current state of the American Dollar.......
The Australian and New Zealand sides have both made official complaints over the size,weight and shape of the new World Cup ball to be used in the tournament.Australian reps Fred Bitter,Buck Kinnardly and Duck Dodgers said the ball is just like a Rugby Union ball and can't be used.'I mean,what is this?If one of the English players slipped this under his jumper,he'd be let through because he looked pregnant.I suppose it's for the best,as Craig Flasher will probably be playing for us as well.'England coach Sir Snobby Arsehole said there was nothing wrong with the new balls.'What are the Aussies complaining about now?We always fiddle with our balls.There's nothing wrong with that!!The Queen was ok with the new balls.As were all teh queens in our team.'
