| Vol.1 No 8 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
The future of Joint-Venture club the Northern Beagles is in jeopardy after a dispute over who should lead the club into the next millenium.The old Manly faction,headed by Ex-ARL chairman,now Manly Chairman Ken Buggerson,want the best man for the job,no matter what his allegiances are.While North Sydney Preisdent Mark Gun said that the new chief should not be aligned to either club,no matter what the circumstances.Buggerson told the Gazette 'Imagine that!A person not having a bias towards Manly heading our club!I mean,all along we've had a Manly coach,Manly team,we've taken over Norths first division team,we've had a Manly board,we wear Manly colours and we play half our home games at Manly's home ground.They actually get 7 games up at Gosford!Now they want someone who's not going to let us take over even more!How disgraceful is this?This club is founded on basic News Limited principles.How would Rupert feel about this happening?' Norths president Mark Gun was unavailable for comment,but was rumoured to be making a claim that Manly may have a slight advantage in the Joint-venture.Buggerson was disgusted by this.'How dare he!!!We've been the poor little people struggling to make a buck for years,and he makes a claim like that!?So what if we all live in giant mansions with sea views and earn over $1 million a year?That little poof should go back to NSO and play some cricket and get something broken.'Gun's repsonse was swift.'He'd know all about that wouldn't he?Breaking things?He broke Manly.He broke Wests.He broke his head.'Former CEO Cranky Frank Sao wouldn't buy into the dispute,simply wanting to go back and chomp on some Arnott's biccies.Manly puppet and Channel 9 lunatic Fatty Boring said that he should lead the club.'I mean,it's logical isn't it?Our halfback is a closet woman,I love dressing in drag and our captain gets a split nail and he complains to the referee!It's the next step!!'The Norths faction was rumoured to be trying to lure shafted Norths coach Louie Peters and his mate B.B.Cue back,but realised they had run out of Tomato sauce and Gas.
Drought to Colonial Stadium
The Melboring Drought have finally been able to crack the APPL(Aerial Ping-pong league) and have been able to schedule their home matches at Colonial Stadium next season.Melboring CEO Adolph Ribot said he was happy with the club's move.'This shows ourr club is now moving towards it's racial and religious purity it has strived for for so long.Soon we will have a superior race.'His puppet Piss Johns then told Ribot that he wasn't meant to be doing an impersonation of his father.'My apologies.Yes,the move is great.We weren't able to fit 5,000 cardboard cut-outs into Olympic Park,and we couldn't make enough to fit the MCG.Now we have everything set out perfectly.We have just enough room for all the cut-outs,as well as the zombies who have been tricked into believing we are an ethically strong and morally good team.'Johns backed up his boss,saying the Drought were now on target to meet the goals they expected to for the next season.'We expect that Allan Moffet will come down here and stage the Grand Final here.Who do Sydney Think they are?We deserve the Grand Final!We have the most tradition in the comp!'Souths President George Piglet,a member of the Colonial trust board,said 'Yeah,a tradition of drug-taking.'Johns strongly refuted these allegations before leaving for his daily session with his personal trainers Ben Johnson,Gary Hall Jnr. and Scott Wilson.Board Chairman Ian Follies said that they were happy to accept the Drought into their stadium and they'd fit right in.'From day one,our stadium has been crap.The grass is being smoked by hippies,there are cracks appearing in the infrastructure and we had to close down for a while last season.Melboring had to close down their Backyard drug scene,they smoke everything and they're bum cracks are always showing signs of Rupert Poorcock being there'.This last statement prompted Mardi Gras float and former Cowgirl Robert Ians to request a place on the NRL board,but only if he could be the one to 'take the Melboring favours'.Allan Moffet declined due to reasons which he refused to disclose.Rumours are circulating that the reason is that Ribot isn't awfully keen on the idea of a race that is not pure in any way at all,including sexually.
Nark bagged at World Cup.
Leading NRL referee Steve Nark has been criticized by the Seff Efrican camp for his control over one of their recent pool matches.Nark sent captain Jamie Germ off after he allegedly bit another player and swore at Nark with Seff Efrica on their way to a drubbing in the last round of the World Cup.Nark claimed that Germ had sat down,tucked a napkin into his shirt and had applied Tomato sauce to an unidentified player's ear and had a knife and fork in his hand.Germ refuted this claim.'I did nothing of the sort!!It was Barbecue sauce and it was bloody chopsticks!Anyway,what's a little bite between friends anyway?I mean,we're the best of friends and we all know that Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield are best mates!!'Nark, however, was praised heavily by Seff Efrican coach,Ima Machfixa.'When he sent Jamie off,we couldn't be accused of rigging the match.Obviously that came as a huge relief to our manager Handme Themoney.'Former NSWRL referee Greg McBallast said Nark was right in taking the action he did.'We can't have players going arond saying words like poo and darn.Foul language is a disgrace and anyone who uses foul language should be banned for f*****g life!Personal attacks are out of the question as well.Now,if you lowlife scumbags will excuse me,I have some work to do.'In other referees news,two English referees have been chosen to officiate this weekends fixtures.Surprisingly,Tim Blander was overlooked for selection.The referees board instead gave the England-Ireland match to Russell Git.The other matches will be officiated by Bill Arrogant,David Packmybags and Stuart Going.English fans are delighted that Blander and Nark will not be officiating in the quarter-final stage.'They're all underhanded,snivling convicts!Piss them all off!!We deserve the best.That's why the queen mum will be refereeing the final!'Git will control the Irish for the first time,with Sydney Cocks second rower Luke Rocketeer saying that his side was confident of victory.'We'll act like true Irish!Every time the Poms do something right,we'll start arguing and start bombing the bastards!'England coach Sir Snobby Arsehole claimed that the Irish should learn to keep the peace.'They should just calm down and let us run in and rape and pillage their country and then act as dictators for hundreds of years.'When asked what this had to do with Rugby League,Arsehole replied 'Plenty.The game is run by a dictator isn't it?'
