| Vol.1 No 9 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
The NRL have announced a massive new pay tv deal with Pox sports reported to be worth a pack of peanuts.The deal was accepted ahead of the C7 deal,which was supposed to be worth $600 million.NRL CEO Allan Moffett said the Pox deal was better for the game than the C7 offer.'The ability of Pox to attract people to watch our game is tremendous!!They can take the game to the legendary Rugby League heartlands that are places like USA,China and Russia!The clubs also get a lot more from Pox than they would have if C7 had won the contract.We also had to make sure Mr.Poorcock was kept happy and taht we could keep scummy,cheating clubs like Melboring Drought,Canberra Faders,Cronulla fish fingers and the Brisbane Drongoes in the comp.'C7 CEO Kerry Jokes said the decision was a poor one.'Why should the NRL say that one of the reasons they didn't accept our deal was to ensure fans didn't have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to watch the game?I thought it cost at least $50 to go to a first grade game already!!'In a surprise move,all the club CEOs with the exception of Brisbane and Melboring have praised the deal.Melboring said they wanted to see what they would get out of it before seeing if the deal was the right one.Brisbane simply offered no comment.Moffett also said that the deal provided more funds for the NRL to spend on the areas of the game that need it most,such as Rupert Poorcocks bank account.He also said the clubs would each get a far superior payout from the deal,picking up 2 cashew shells as opposed to the 'painfully small amount from C7' of $2.5 million per club.Moffett then had to defend the decision after it was suggested taht Pox only won the rights because of the heavy News Ltd. influence on the board.Pox Sports director Ian Matthew Alexander(I.M.A.) Sunuvabich said there was no influence on the NRL board that determined where the deal went.'There was no bias at all from the News people on the NRL board!! So what if News bought the game and want to protect Poorcocks interests?Good on them!!Anyway,the only influence on the NRL board was the right thing for the game,and that's to keep Rupert invloved.'Former Souths CEO George Piglet is understood to be happy with the deal.'Oh yes,i'm very happy with the deal.It just shows how astute the NRL businessmen are!!Of course cashew shells are as valuable as multi-million dollar contracts!!'CEO Moffett then went off to discuss the new contract with Poorcock,with which former ARL clubs to boot out high on the agenda.
The Moose too old!
In a sensational development on the Womanly Sea-pricks board,former pricks international second rower,Rex Gossip has been told he is simply too old to run for the board.The strange thing is that CEO Ken Buggerson will return to his office at the next elections.Gossip is saying that he is young enough to run for the board,and the decision being based on age is a joke.'I'm young enough!!I haven't got a walking stick,or a frame,or a wheelchair yet,so I must be ok.'Gossip,who turns 7834 next month,is saying that there should be nothing stopping him gaining a place on the Womanly board.'Fair enough,i'm physically old.But it's what up top that counts.Obviously i'm too bright!!'This comment came in reference to the fact that Fatty Boring had been given his place on the board,despite displaying the mental age of a yet-to-be-conceived embryo.Buggerson,who recently hit the big 10000,said there was plenty of fuel for the rumour mill,with the recent happenings inside the Joint venture club in which Womanly hold a 99.999999999% share,the Northern Beagles.'If Goose gets a spot on the Womanly board,then he will probably get onto the Beagles board as well!And if he gets onto the Beagles board,he will be taking the club in the opposite direction to which it is currently travelling.'When asked if Gossip would be taking the club backwards,Buggerson replied'HELL NO!!We can't have the Beagles going forward can we?All teh Joint venture clubs have turned their backs on progress and decent moral values in order to pursue the bigger bucks!'After hearing this claim,Balmain Magpies CEO Steve Lice and St.George Dragons CEO Steve Lout came out swinging.'How dare he group our club with his crappy little Beagles!!!If they wanna be hippies and only serve Ruperts meatmarket,then fine!But we are in this for personal gain,to eradicate the developing junior area of Campbelltown,take the game away from people who are interested in it and take it back to teh Champagne swilling,Caviar eating,nancy boy cafe latt'e set who wouldn't know a Rugby League ball from a condom!!They're the future of our game!'Lice said.Lout didn't release a full statement,preferring just to make a quick comment.'If Buggerson thinks we serve Poorcock,then he can believe that.We just want to do the same as Balmain.'
Fish Fingers Financial State Goes Sour
The Cronulla Fish Fingers are reeling after it was revealed soft drink giant Pepe le Pew wanted to withdraw the majority of it's financial support for the club.CEO Buck Rogers said the board was unconcerned.'We're still working on getting Ms.Bobbit to obtain Andrew Shitzhousens personals for us to auction(See previous gazettes),so we're still not at our peak financial state.'The situation immediately worsened,with the Fish Fingers assets being revalued.After originally having 100ha of radioactive swampland,2 disused oyster leases,a combined Kindergarten,an AA counselling unit,an empty trophy cabinet and 2kg of cobwebs,the Fish Fingers have recently acquired 500kg of fake jewellery in charms worn by the club's born again Christians Even Stevens and Duck Dodgers.This brings the value of the club's assets up to the value of 2 old Purple Rain CD's.However,Rogers mood was then considerably soured after hearing that the NSW Police Force will not give the club permission to continue with their main revenue earner,selling alcohol to underage patrons.'What's wrong with that?' asked Rogers.'I mean,why shouldn't we be exempt from that law?I mean,we're exempt from the criteria,the salary cap and legitimate sponsorship!'NRL CEO Allan Moffett,in his 2nd controversial press conference of the day,said taht the Fish Fingers were not expected to stay out of debt.'If the Fish Fingers can stay out of debt,we will have to treat them like those scumbag ARL clubs who actually have morals and ethics.The Rugby League club of today needs to live of Poorcock to even have a chance to be admitted to the NRL.If they can win games without the help of the referee,then they don't deserve to be here.That's why we booted out clubs like Norths and Manly.They were professionally run clubs and we can't have that!'Melboring CEO Adolph Ribot then jumped to the fish fingers defence.'We can't have everything going right.If a club has a sponsor,they need to do everything they possibly can to drive them away.If they can get sponsorship,they're portraying an image of fairness and good business management,and this is not how Rugby League is played these days.'
