| Vol.2 No 1 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
New Melboring Drought debutant Brian Henderson left the field to the tragic news that his five best mates had been killed by an XPT bound for Melboring.It is suspected that his mates had had a few too many and collided head on with the train,killing all instantly.Melboring coach Chris Amsterdam defended his decision to keep the news from Henderson until after the match against the Penrith Pussies,which teh Drought won 6784-8.'I thought it was in the club's best interests to keep the news from him.Obviously with the small amount of juniors we have,we had to play anyone we could.So we decided to keep teh news from him taht his best mates had passed on and the fact he would never see his closest mates again until after our meaningless trial game which we would've won by 1000 anyway.'Henderson himself has not spoken out about it,but it is understood that police are making headway in their investigations.Detective PJ Hasham and Sergeant Tess Gallagher said that they were nearly at the conclusion of their investigation.'We understand that all five had been offered a night's stay in Albury by the Drought.We also understand that the club had provided them with steroids in such plentiful amounts that 5 minutes after injection,there were 10 loud pops.It is thought taht all 5 were keeled over when the train struck.'Melboring prop Rodney Howl weighed into the incident offering some advice to the police officers.'The pops can't have occurred as is suggested.I mean,not only are they still puny,but since when is that 1 inch!?'Former Womanly prop Robert Ians offered his assistance to police,but was knocked back and returned to Oxford street in his purple shirt and yellow neck tie.
Fog in Brisbane stalls Broncos
A rather severe attack of fog hindered the match between the Brisbane Drongoes and the Sydney Chickens,which the the drongoes won 2040-8.Match referee Tim Blander said that there was no problem with the fog as far as he was concerned.'No,not at all.The fog was no problem for me at all.At the best of times,my eyesight is restricted to 10-15 metres,so it didn't affect me in the slightest.'Drongoes 2nd rower Gordon Phallus was incensed,claiming taht the match be called off because there was no point in playing it because nobody would turn up anyway.'It's a disgrace.I mean,we all know that we would win anyway,so they would've been better off just forgetting about the whole thing.All this crap about getting a match played between last year's Grand Finalists after we've already won.IT'S A DISGRACE!!'Phallus then stormed off in preparation to boycott the upcoming season and to call Billy Arrogant a cheat who likes to participate in nocturnal activies quite often.Chickens coach Murray Graham was quite happy with his side's performance,despite the fact that the World 13 comprised of NZ and British players still couldn't beat a club side.'No,i'm fairly happy.I mean,the referee was blind and we took off the head of every Drongoes player with Adrian Whorely,so i'm quite satisfied with our efforts.Everyone knows that we're only here because Nick Polite pumps money into us.We're strange in taht we live off grants,but they aren't Poorcock grants.'NRL CEO Allan Moffett then adjusted the NRL constitution Paragraph 13 Subsection 6 Clause iv line 1 which now reads:Any club propped up to the max will survive under NRL criteria,as long as the man who pumps the club up has a surname that has a section of the male genitalia in it,is a rich arsehole who traded his Aussie citizenship in to be a yank and has a son who pisses off to Hobart each year on a yacht.
Souths hold gala day
The South Sydney Rodents decision to stage a Losers of League day at Greenplant Hole proved to be a huge blunder,with 3 people turning up to watch old hasbeens such as Mick Groanin of Chokeamatta,Gus Mercurio of Souths and Col Goofy of Oldtown play in an oztag competition in order to raise funds to have Justice Pindick's decision overturned.Souths CEO George Piglet said he was happy with the crowd,despite there being absolutely nothing else on in the city.However,Piglet pointed out that the mere decision to play the tournament at Greenplant Hole was a stroke of genius despite the Sydney Football Stadium being free.'Why play it at the SFS?Why hold it at a top ground after advertising well and attracting topline players?I mean,it's just as good to play it at a run down dump with no advertising and just get 3 old farts in their old Glebe jumpers turning up than to get 30,000.I mean,the grand total of souths crowds over the last 5 years has been 3.What a turn out!'NRL CEO Allan Moffett was said to be considering returning Souths to teh NRL.'I mean,any club in this day and age that can actually get 3 paying fans in has to be doing well.I eman,the entire Grand Final crowd from last season was either cardboard cutouts and free tickets!'Souths Legend Eric Dim Sim also played in the match and remarked how much like the old days it was.'THe players were running around in cheap leather chunks with great big cauliflower ears and beer guts the size of king kong and the referees were too slow and couldn't see anything.....Mind you,not much has changed has it?'
