| Vol.2 No 2 |
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Edited by Clarke Kent |
The Melboring Drought have started the season badly, by going down to the Can'tuburyme Puppies by 14-10.In a first for the game of rugby league,the roof was closed at Colossus Scumbag stadium for the drought to lose their first match at the new venue.When asked why they had the roof closed,CEO Chris Toilets said that they wanted conditions to be good.'The temperature was 38 outside,so obviously we wanted to keep the heat out.And obviously we do that by closing the roof on a metallic stadium which is going to absorb heat and increase the temperature by 25 degrees!Brilliant don't you think?'The news only got worse for Melboring with the news that prop Rodney Howl was suspended for 6 minutes for placing Puppies prop Steven Expensive's head in a guillotine and unsuccessfully trying to cut it off.The offence carries the death penalty,but NRL CEO Allan Moffett was quick to point out the NRL constitution Page 45 Paragraph 7 Section V which states 'The aforementioned punishment is standard with the exception of clubs which are propped up by Murdoch,have a son of a murderer as their boss,don't produce juniors and have employed Glenn Lazyarse at some time during his career.If a member of this club commits this offence,then he will only be suspended for 6 seconds.' In further bad news, fullback Robbie Toss with have treatment for a badly torn eyelash during the week. Club beauticians claim he should be ready for the weekend,with Poppy King rumoured to be arriving on Wednesday to fix the problem.In other Melboring news,the visit of North Queensland next week has prompted stadium officials to keep the roof closed at all times.Chris Toilets was asked what the story was and responded that the club were looking to see if they could get any results through the indoor venture.'Well,if we keep the door closed,the humidity rises to 75%,the sun and wind factors which dry up the conditions and cool them down are aen out,and conditions are more slike Townsville at this time of year.Brilliant match plan don't you think considering we trained in Townsville for this year's pre-season!'When alerted to the fact that the Cowboys were coming to town,Toilets raced off and blamed stadium officials for incompetence and wanted to return to Olympic Park,only to find out that a rabbit fair had pre-booked.
Thriller up North
The defending premiers the Brisbane Drongoes have escaped with a very close 18-17 win over the North Queensland Cows at 'advertise here call 98564382 during business hours' stadium.The Cows played some very good football against a Drongoes side clearly missing the influence of resident cheap thug Brad Rose,centre Tonie Song and Kevin Dollars,who has taken up a contract with English side Wallytown after leaving the drongoes last season.The Drongoes also struggled without leading referee and model Bill Arrogant being in charge.When asked what he knew about the game,Drongoes skipper Gordon Phallus said he was looking forward to a nice win against the Cows with Arrogant staying out of the spotlight.........When told that Sean Hamster was in charge,Phallus panicked and bought out the entire supplies of Acme axes in an attempt to quell the Cows challenge.In an amazing game,Cows halfback Nathan Lean kicked a field goal to extend the cows lead to 5 with 15 minutes to play,before Chris Runner ran 780 kilometres to score of a Ben Icancheatonacontract pass that went close to being interecpted by Julian Sphincter.In an interesting aftermath to the match,Coaches Wayne Ferrett and Mr.Sheen both agreed that Hamster was shocking in saying the Drongoes were held up once because the video referee gave the call back to Hamster who ruled held up.'If there is doubt there,the ruling shoudl be a try,despite the fact the referee was there and just wanted to make sure anyway!'
Double header failure
The pathetic tradition the NRL calls a double header at Stadium Australia was called a huge success despite the stadium being half empty.When asked where the other 55,000 people were,Allan Moffett responded that they were simply hungry.When the kiosks were shown to be empty,he said they were taking a leak.When the toilets were empty,our reporter asked again where they were,but Moffett had left to claim the game was back in the fans hands,despite plans to merge Penrith Pussies and Chokeamatta Squeels and protests by 500,000 people.In news on the games,Chokeamatta whipped the Penrith Pussies 560476-4,with Bill Arrogant handing the Squeels 560466 of the points.New squeels recruits Jason Wailer and Michael Pooer starred for their new club,with Wailer accidentally trying to cook a Pussies players privates on his new 6 burner Barbecue thinking it was s sausage.Coach Brian Whionge is unconcerned with his halfback's love of barbecues,saying it's ok.'Nothing will have me dumped from this job.I have a lifetime contract!'Wailer then produced Whinge's Death Certificate and claimed it was time for him to go.Prop Michael Bella and Pussies 2nd rower Scott Battler were warned that love and not hate should be the theme in the match,after Bella produced a hacksaw and cut Battlers head in half,which looked more like the contents of a broken tomato sauce bottle.In the other match,the Sydney Cocks beat the Balmain Dagpies 30-16,with the press corp afterwards going beserk over the fact that Dagpies centre Ronald McDonald had the hide to say 'there,I scored one!' to Cocks centre Ryan Loss.'Kill him and his club' blurted Terrorgraph puppet Peter Frilliness.New coach Terry Beefsteak had no problem with anything he saw,however he is a little concerned over the fact that Darren Slightlyleft now seems to be asking referees out on dates rather than issuing random death threats.
