Running Away
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Let me tell a story based on my life. The wind blew and the child looked up, the clock read 2:22 A.M. Mommy should be home soon, it thought to itself but until than I am the ruler here all obey ME. Except for two, the ballerina that danced on the automatic piano, which would play endlessly. In his rage at being defied he picked up some random toys and out the window they flew, to hit the ground without a cry, just splinters and dust, never to sing their sweet lullaby. The child never cries during this frustration, just lets out its temper in full rage with determination. To make all those around to feel as helpless as it felt right then. In a stairwell spiraling down to the great cave, a crash and snap of neck was the all the sound that was heard. The ballerina spun out of control one night of these tempers, dancing to close to the edge and falling shattering her beautiful form, porcelain gone. It found it doesn’t glue back together. And then the piano after that, jumped off of his own accord, tired of being scared, scared of what will be and his music became silent because no one danced or played anymore. So all the toys were out the window or shattered on the floor. It is still waiting for mommy to come home, and no music plays. Only echoes, it is alone and he realizes that he was always alone because toys never talk back.
Okay now the actual factual events that have occurred in my life, instead of my abstract prose. I was born in 1977 on the 4th of Dec., actually on my parent's anniversary. Yes, I am always a gift of some sort. My family was composed of five people, my brother Ed, my sister Laura, myself, and then mom and dad. But times change and my parents divorced at my age of seven and my mother, Ed, and I got moved all around. In total, it added up to four times, before my mom and I finally settled at my grandmother's house for a permanent stay. Of course things happened before that, my mom was able to go after her college degree in social work, my sister came back from Finland and NYU to go to school at Kent. My brother became a musician and everything generally associated with them. Than three years after the initial move, my sister died in a car accident while she was on a bike. Her cause was to lose weight while riding a bicycles and headphones at the same time. For such a bright girl, her mind slipped her that day to fatal results.
After that, life continued normally for a few more years, seven actually, I turned out to be an intelligent person or maybe just full of common sense with an artistic bent. But that discovery didn’t come into full affect until the summer before my senior year when my brother attempted suicide. He essentially killed his mind but his body wore on for a while. I made the decision to take him off the machines, while I went somewhere to forget everything for a few days. For a whole year after, I was in a deep depression, some anger, some misery, self pity, loathing, and all the rest that accompany a dark spiral. I turned to poetry to release some of my ideas since I had no release in committing suicide since my dear brother had already beaten me to the punch. This fog of my downtime lasted years to come.
And time moved on, I went into college, less motivated than I ever had been and still am at least for a brief while longer. College has been a battle from the beginning. It took me almost two years before I came out as gay, and after that I felt a freedom and a renewed desire to experience life. As I started to do this, while also working three jobs, not to mention school, my body paid dearly for it. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after a couple of cases of mono caused me to drop out from school for a semester. Life had to slow down after that, no more partying hardcore three or four times a week and I had to take care of my body more so than any other time in the past. It was after this experience that I started to excel in school with my taking of higher education classes geared towards subject material that interested me instead of the general curriculum. So I settled more into a routine, about my health and its relation with school.
That’s a pretty basic description of life, as I know it, I mean there are some more volumes but who cares because this isn’t a self help session. Now more on about me, after all I’m the focus of all these pages. I went to Bowling Green State University (Ohio), can anyone say excitement, which is an apt description for that campus, though pretty, its dull in a lot of ways. I was a science major, here’s the full major Pre-veterinary medicine with a double major in biology and environmental science, emphasizing in marine mammals. But that changed, Pre Vet/ bio is being dropped for two main reasons, one I hate lab work and two, I will never take organic chemistry, ever, ever, ever. And besides I enjoy working with the environment and it’s such a fluid state with various areas of emphasis, but I do plan to go on to College Administration with an emphasis in GLBT (gay lesbian, bisexual, transgender) issues.
Friends, friends, friends, and more friends, I love to have them and try to. But things happen where you betray and are betrayed, it’s called life, so learn and move on. But I cant say I am always a nice guy, a lot of times in my eyes I am a real bitch. That’s another thing I am moody as hell (weak description). But that little vice of mine comes into play with the people surrounding me. Friends are an interesting quandary because of the ability to switch from foe to friend and vice versa. But its taken about four years for me to actually complete a circle I am totally comfortable with and I don’t have to worry about many negative issues with them. I have a tranquil life where I can have people when I want them but at the same time I can have my solitude when it is required.
Life is all about experiencing what you can, enjoying the simplest sensation and the complex puzzles. To ignore one for the other cheapens the whole experience, or causes you to search for something you idealize and become dissatisfied once tasted. My poems that I write like my personality have evolved from raw dark emotion to narrative stories plunging on the dark side but also a hint of light as well. Though my thirst for writing has gone down, the poems I do decide to invoke are a better take on my perspective of life. Life is about tasting, touching, hearing, seeing, and smelling all that I can around me, while also incorporating emotion with each of these. A task which is both simple sounding and complex in its making. In one of my first poems I describe myself accurately at the time,
A puzzle incomplete
pieces slammed into place.
Shattered dreams
Spin me a dream
Simple, yet complex
I think most people around the age of 17 feel this way, maybe I had a few more causes to help my misery, but still its not that I was alone in my feeling as I once thought. With time comes experience and then we apply and learn from our mistakes, and as more time accumulates, we are more apt to discover what our true dreams ours rather than fantasies.
Currently, I am in a new leg of my life, I moved to Seattle on October first of 2001 and have been trying to find a life here. Finding a job has not proven to be as easy as I thought it would be, usually I always get what I want, so far this isn't happening, and I don't like it. Its sort of bratty, but life has a way of handing things to me if I put forth the effort, I dont wait for things to come to me, and nor do I expect them to. In order to gain something worthwhile, you have to put the time and effort in, otherwise you beign to take things for granted. I haven't been lazy and I havent been spending my time wondering why me, I just do more and more until something comes along or I move back to Ohio.
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