TRAMP FOUND IN PETITCODIAC
By Ben Dover
To many people who often walk the streets of Downtown Moncton
the familiar sight of a cursing, spitting vagrant wearing a green raincoat and pink bobble hat
had been a common sight for years. That was until last Wednesday when Mad Jack or the "Mucus
Machine" as he is affectionately known, was not at his usual spot. several concerned
citizens reported his absence.
Kim Jenkins of Blossom's Wig Emporium was one of the concerned.
"I saw him Wednesday night outside Goolies Pool Hall urinating, its been two days now and no one
knows what happened to him!"
Late Saturday evening a couple walking along the Gunningsville
Bridge noticed what they thought was a large mammal in the middle of the river. The Riverview
Fire Department and RCMP officers were called to the scene and were shocked to find a man standing
up to his waist in thick sludge.
The rescue operation ended in the early hours of Sunday morning
with the man being taken to the George DuMontage Regional Hospital. The man was later revealed as being
Arthur Jackson or "Mad Jack".
Stephen Steeves with the Fire department recalled the rescue. "The guy was just standing there,
bolt upright, snoring! I don't think he was aware of what was happening."
This is just the latest in a long line of
incidents where mammals have been reported stuck in the now diminishing river. Harvey Doubleduch with
the river authority had the last word "With the flow virtually non-existent to the causeway it appears everything
and everyone is getting trapped. Mr Jackman had apparently managed to dam up the entire river for two
whole days before being discovered. Something desperately needs to be done now".
Apart from a touch of dehydration Mr Jackson is expected to make a full recovery
SEEPING CHEESE VIRUS SPREADS
By Gail Forcewinds
The United States are once again in the grip of mass hysteria following
a recent wave of terrorist attacks that rocked the nation.
Seven Wyoming men and two women
from Jellyhide National Park were taken ill soon after finishing their shift at Grizzly's Cheese Burger
Bar. Tests confirmed that they had traces of the Seepicus Fromagullicus bacteria or Seeping Cheese
bacteria in their blood. This is the latest in a string of deadly viruses to be unleashed on North American soil.
Seeping Cheese Syndrome as it is commonly referred to is not believed to be life threatening. But if left untreated
will cause severe yellowing of the skin and in some cases create large seeping sores. Unpleasant discharge usually
follows accompanied by a lingering well matured cheesey aroma.
US and Canadian Governments are on standby and will inform the public of any further developments. For now
the public have been strongly urged to refrain from buying cheese related products in any form.
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SINGING HER WAY TO THE TOP
By Stella Starr
New Brunswick has had its fair share of home grown talent over the years.
Names like Jester Buttons, Barry Flynn and Kamakaze Kate have all made us laugh in the world of comedy
The
Glamour Boots Band, Bob Geldart and Les Merchants Macrobiotix have captivated us with their lively, knee slapping music of late.
Now raise a glass to Moncton's very own actress - Janelle Tabustintac!
Twenty-three year old Janelle, formerly
of Saint Simoan, NB studied Acting and Arts in Montreal, Quebec before taking the world of stage by storm.
Soon she will be off on her big adventure to take the leading role in the forthcoming movie "Maritime Misery" a haunting
tale of high unemployment and broken dreams.
You can catch Janelle this weekend as she finishes a 19 day run
as the leading character Gertrude in Ronnie Bazaar's "The Magic Roundabout" at the Capital Playhouse.
Just
Remember where you saw this bright young talented actress first.
WILDHATS WINNING WAYS
By Dan LeBoeuf
Moncton's finest Hockey team, the Wildhats are aiming to make
history this weekend by attempting to go all out for their first major win. It seems like decades Since Danny Douglas was sensationally
sacked along with all the previous season's players for stealing the Wildhats Tour Bus. Then launching themselves into
a four day frenzy of drink and drugs. But now everything is in place. You probably won't even recognise the new team.
Don't worry you won't be the only ones!
This weekend see's the Wildhats go all out for glory against fellow New
Brunswickers - 'The Acadie Bacadie Tetons'. They were last seasons golden boys. No doubt, as they won by default
to the would have been finalists The Wildhats, had they not gone awol. President Robbie Irvins is confident for the season
ahead.
"We've got some good young ones this season. Real fit little monsters. Raring to go! They've been
practising day and night now for seven weeks.. They've been eating the ice off their skates and the skin off their knuckles
in sheer determination for this season and now the day of reckoning has arrived"
We caught a quick word
from the 'HATS' Captain Brent Baddeck. "Were going to smash those Tetons tomorrow night for sure. Our
game strategy and that fact we have two goal tenders is going to be an obvious blow for them!" With that sure fire
statement he strode confidently back into the changing room. Wish our boys luck for this weekend.
WILDHATS Vs TETONS Live Action!
@ The Colossal Stadium, Moncton
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0001 OPEN HOUSES - MONCTON
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Five newly
constructed 3 bedroom duplexes. Split level, open to the public at anytime. Doors, windows all need
putting in. Asking $80.000. Location Maple Syrup Grove. Call 555-5557 or just make yourself at home.
0002 HOMES FOR SALE - BIRCHY RIDGE
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Dilapidated old farm house. 20km north of Moncton. No heat,
no water, no electricity. Outside washroom. Perfect setting. Nice stagnant pond nearby. Sale by owner. Asking $20.50.
40 re-usable Condoms. Call Algernon, 555-8585.
A blow up doll who likes outdoor persuits such as walking, hiking, sea kayaking, parachuting. Cooking and
cleaning an asset. call John, 555-9797
Need a man with a large musical instrument to play with. will pay good price. Call Ms Timms, 555-8558.
INTERESTED IN PRIVATE FLUTE LESSONS?. Call Arnie, 555-8000.
Sherman Tank. Fully operational! 1 careful owner. Low milage. Perfect for those weekend getaways.
A real steal! $100,000 ono. Call Pierre, 5555-TANK
Pet Shark. Goes by the name of Terminator. 5 years old. Getting too big for my living room
aquariam. Ate all my fish. Attacked my wife's father. Needs a good home. Call Reg, 555-5678
40 used condoms. Call Alice, 555-6767
Have you seen her? Small blonde haired Gerbil. Goes by the name Sandra. Last seen crossing
the intersection between Lutz and George. Will pay for her safe return. Katie 555-9999
Roger the Vietnamese Talking Daffodil. Rare plant. Very expensive. Irreplacible! Light yellow color
small brown patches on it. Says "Thankyou" everytime you water it. Please help me
find Roger. Call Marcel 555-2020
SHERMAN TANK. STOLEN FROM GAGETOWN 2 WEEKS AGO. INFORMATION
WILL BE HELD IN STRICTEST OF CONFIDENCE! 555-0007
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