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SPORTS HEADLINES
The Masked Massager Comes To Moncton.
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This weekend's SWS (Sweaty Wrestlers Showcase) held at Dieppe's Industrial Park is going to be a real showstopper! It will surely go down as Greater Moncton's wrestling event of the year! Yes Sweaty Wrestler fans, Nebraska's King of Wrestling is coming to town!
Algernon Braithwaite aka 'The Masked Massager' is making a guest appearance Saturday night and aims to go down fighting in a one hour free for all against our local hard men hero's 'Stinky Smithson', 'Bat-cheeks Belliveau' and 'Gary The Grappler'
Ring side onlookers beware if the Massager gets a hold over you, you won't want his slinky fingers to stop! In real life Algernon Braithwaite aka 'The Masked Massager' owns his very own massage parlor in upstate Nebraska and he'll do anything to subdue his opponent. "I carry a vile of erotic oil if things get too tough" Braithwaite growled, "Once I've rubbed it over your skin your mine!" he grinned.
Tickets to see the Massager go on sale next Monday and are priced $100.00, the first lucky 25 entrants will receive a bottle of Massage oil courtesy of the Massager!
Old-Timers Hockey Team A Hit!
Old-Timers fever is gripping New Brunswick! Surpassing even the Moncton Wildhats in the weekly Hockey popularity stakes.
The Old-Timers, a collection of afflicted players ranging in age from 21 to 55 are actually better than many of the current QMJHL players and that's got Robbie Irvin (Manager of the Wildhats) in a rage.
The Old-Timers go out first, before the Wildhats have their league game, but as soon as the injury afflicted, arthritically challenged geriatrics are done the fans go home leaving the Wildhats to play to an empty arena.
"When a bunch of old goat's get more applause and respect for limping about on skates than my athletic pre-university squad I have to wonder why?" Billionaire Robbie Irvin snarled.
Old-Timers coach Claudette Bradshaw however remained upbeat "The fans here think that a match between the Moncton Old-Timers and The Halifax Halfwits is more interesting than seeing the Tracadie Tetons whipping The Wildhats hides! It's incredible!" She beamed "We are so popular right now we are thinking of taking this on the road!" We hope she's right! You can catch the Old-Timers at every Wildhats home game this season!
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JETHRO SAVAGE COLUMN
The Fathers Vs Mothers Charity Challenge!
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Every year Obese Fathers and Alcohol soaked Mothers from all over the U.S and Canada converge on Boston for the Annual Fat Fathers and Drunk Mothers charity Baseball match.
With me being a happy fat drunk I gladly accepted an invitation to come down to Boston and share with you this unique coming together of social misfits.
The event was founded by various Family Service organizations keen to help the Children afflicted by their parents problems, by raising money to help them into college and so forth. Now with an annual turnout of over 50,000 people lots of kids are getting a better deal thanks to their obese, alcohol soaked parents taking to the field and giving their best.
This years Fat Father captain was non-other than Rick O'Malley, a 350lb couch potato from Rhode Island. He vowed to shed a few pounds and give something back to his daughter who he accidentally let starve through his selfish food binging. Captain for the Drunk Mothers side was Audrey Obergine a song and dance showgirl from Vegas with a 3 bottle a day habit. She vowed to stay sober for the duration of the match.
I watched the two-hour spectacular with fascination and admiration. Steadily slipping into a calm state as I sipped on alcoholic lemonade. The Mothers eventually won 2-0. They were awesome, they had the speed and agility, plus they became wild animals every time their coach shouted 'The Drinks are on Me!' Sadly the boys were so fat they could barely move, hence they were powerless to do anything. I however loved it! The game was hilarious. They even had drunken and obese mascots from the heyday of baseball lending support to the kids in need by giving them burgers and beer tokens for after the match!
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