Not Your Horoscopes!!
Hello and welcome to the horoscopes section, as written by regular psychic, Miss C. Voyent. Below you will find your horoscopes for the month of AUGUST!!
Aries (21 March - 20 April)
Aries, you've been known as "Haries Aries" and "fairy aries", but your luck is in! From now on they'll call you "bewarey Aries" as you run over several members of the bridge club on your way to lunch.
Taurus (21 April - 21 May)
This will be the month that makes you. Makes you consider suicide at how crap your life is. But not to worry, Taurus, at least your name isn't Justin Case. Unless it is...
Gemini (22 May - 21 June)
Oh gem, can I call you that? I can? Thankyou! Call me Claire. Anyway, Gem, remember to look both ways from now on... especially with "bewarey Aries" on the road...
Cancer (22 June - 23 July)
Remember Cancer, that candy is bad for you. But very yummy, especially those little pop-up things you suck (now, now...), so treat yourself to a sticky treat (now, now....).
Leo (24 July - 23 August)
Leo, leo, leo. It took all the strength you had not too fall apart, thankgod you mended those pieces of your broken heart. Cant forget those can we? Also, dont forget your nasal trimmer... it'll prove a lifesaver in more ways than one this month.
Virgo (24 August - 23 September)
It is time for you to discover your destinty, Virgo. You were put on this Earth to discover one thing: Exactly HOW do they make the centre of a Creme Egg so....YOLKY, and yet deliciously FONDANTY? And it looks so real... Forget Smarties, only YOU have the answer.
Libra (24 September - 23 October)
Well Libra, your sign is the start of library, so maybe that has something to do with this month. Or maybe not... Immerse yourself in fishing tackle, it could be time you reeled in a big red one!
Scorpio (24 october - 22 November)
Don't be fooled by sandwich spreads this month, Scorpio. Is Marmite REALLY your mate?
Sagittarius (23 November - 21 december)
Ah, Sag. Not a day goes by when I wish I could've got to know you BEFORE the trial. Now I'm just listening to gossip. But you know where the pants are... you know!
Capricorn (22 December - 20 January)
My dear, sweet, delicate Capricorn. LOVE ME!! LOVE ME!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LOVE ME!!!!
Aquarius (21 Jan - 19 February)
In the sixties they told me it was the age of aquarius. Well get outta the sunshine, boyo - your time has long passed! I feel that you should be considering a new name, for instance "Aquiblidor - lord of night". Yep, that'll do nicely.
Pisces (20 February - 20 March)
Be careful what you say and do, and particularly what you sign. DON'T end up like poor, sweet Vonda Shepard. The cast members are singing? What about Vonda? Free Vonda from the chains of Ally McBeal! Please God, Piscies, don't do it for me, do it for HER.
Coming soon... September.