7 Tau - The Corporate Way

Preamble: In today's corporate environment one quite often sees incompetence and inaction rewarded, while the hard working employee is left behind at best and disciplined, even fired, at worst. One might question the sense of such an environment but such questions will certainly not get one promoted. In business, as in nature, it is survival of the fittest. Not the strongest, not the hardest working, not the smartest nor most talented. The fittest. The one that fits in the best. These laws are designed to help one fit in: to blend and meld with the rest of the incompetence one will be completely surrounded by. Regardless of what one does, this will not make one better, only appear less worse. The idea of less worse is a slippery concept (it is suppose to be) but an important one that one will need to fall back on quite often. The goal of these laws is to find the fine line between doing nothing and getting fired for it, and doing nothing and being rewarded for it. If one does nothing correctly, one truly will get rewarded. All one has to do is look to one's boss. But one must remain ever aware that crossing the line may result in one's termination. One must remain flexible and alert to the ever changing conditions of the corporate environment. A little awareness will go a long way. Thus these laws are really more guidelines that one should practice with prudence and caution. In business, also as in nature, one will be surrounded by predators and prey. Knowing the difference will probably be one's greatest asset.

Say Yes, Do No.

Also known as the Golden Rule of Business Passive Resistance. One major theme behind these laws is the idea that one will not get fired for incompetence. It is important to note that one will get fired for the appearance of incompetence, even if one works very hard, so remember to always appear necessary and relevant even if one isn't. What may confuse many is that it is much easier to achieve this if one is not actually being bothered by actually having to do anything. So one should always say "Yes" and "Can Do" and "I will get right on that" but one only does anything beyond that at one's own peril. If one isn't actually working, one will have plenty of free time to fill out forms and charts and spreadsheets and PowerPoint presentations that look like one is very busy and topical.

No Work, No Mistakes.

Making excuses and blaming others turns out to be really rather easy, while actually accomplishing work mistake free is nearly impossible, and avoiding mistakes is very important. Mistakes WILL get one fired, incompetence most likely won't. One is much better off doing nothing, or at least as little as possible, rather than accomplishing great achievements at risk of making even the tiniest of mistakes. Accomplishments are forgotten quickly (what has one done for me lately) but mistakes will haunt one for the rest of one's career. And remember that there will always be those that will make the most harmless and minor of mistakes seem intentional and irresponsible, if for no other reason, to make themselves look better in contrast. Human Resources is particularly dangerous in this respect, as they are a department filled with those who make their living catching others making mistakes. They will go to great lengths to catch one's mistakes and make them seem much worse than they are because it justifies their corporate existence. Unless one is in HR, then HR is one's predator. Avoid mistakes at all costs. This is most easily accomplished by just doing nothing at all.

Point Without Direction

It may seem that pointing a finger and assigning blame may win one favor, but it almost always costs more than that which is gained. Finger-Pointers are looked upon as rats and snitches by both those above and below, whereas one who holds his tongue and shows a little discretion will gain respect from all sides. There will be times where fault may appear to rest a little too close to one and thus one should deflect it as much as possible. This will quite often require pointing, but one will find great rewards in pointing with vagueness and uncertainly. If one must pass the buck, one will generate less animosity by tossing said buck randomly about rather than handing it specifically to an individual. Hopefully, if one is practicing the other laws and doing as little as possible, there will be little one can get blamed for, and staying on the sidelines of such blame-games will be the order of the day.

Kill With Kindness

Always be nice. Smile gently, always. Never laugh, never frown. Just smile. Be warm. Think warm. Think of puppies and kittens that are soft and fuzzy and roll in their own dung. Inanity. That is the word of the day. Stupid and harmless. People like harmless. They feel safe around those who are harmless. They will fight to keep harmless people around them. If one is harmless and nice, one might find people fighting to keep them around, even if they do nothing at all, sort of like house plants. In fact, one should consider house plants the perfect role model in this respect. One should leave one's self respect at home. Pride and dignity are for the unemployed. One should avoid ass-kissing, as one just doesn't want the label, but always always always always be nice, polite, respectful, and humble. Nobody is going to fight for the prick who doesn't do anything, but they might fight for the one everyone likes.

No Emails, No Troubles.

Just don't hit Send or Reply. Just don't do it. I wouldn't recommend even reading email but one should definitely never reply to it. Deleting an email without reading it leaves one completely blameless. One will not even have to fake shock when they are informed as to the contents of said email. One should always first argue that they never got said email. This can be exceedingly hard to disprove with complicated and ever changing distribution lists, BCCs, and CC fields with two thousand names in them. Rarely do these arguments go challenged, quite often because everyone else will have deleted the email by that point anyway, eliminating any proof. If, however, it can be proven that one did receive said email, it is easy enough to blush and say that automatic filters must have moved it into the Junk Mail folder. Automatic filters are one's friend. Just have them move everything to the Junk Mail folder and save the bother. Finally, if all else fails, one can just claim that they accidentally deleted it. We have all done it before and one can be hardly held to much blame for a simple slip of the delete button.

OMG NEVER NEVER NEVER HIT "REPLY ALL"!

This really all goes back to the "No Emails, No Troubles" rule, but it must be reiterated. Don't hit the REPLY ALL button. Just don't do it. As mentioned above, one shouldn't be replying at all, but for the love of all that is sacred, do not EVER hit that dreaded button. If one can hack into their email program and disable this button, one should without hesitation. Even if one has to type in name after name after name, do not hit that dreaded button. More careers have ended due to that evil button than any other (short of that big red button that says "do not push" and releases the Halon fire suppression system). While we are on the subject, avoid email distribution lists. One never knows who is lurking in them. If one absolutely must send or reply to an email, type each and every name in by hand. Not only will this ensure that one knows positively who one is sending it to, it will also encourage one to just not do it. On second thought, forget all that I just wrote...Go back to the first rule and JUST DON'T USE EMAIL.

OMG NEVER NEVER NEVER HIT "REPLY ALL"!

Just wanted to make sure I am being clear here. Should I say it again? Nah, I think I have made my point.

Shut Up is Good.

Say as little as possible. What one says will only come back to haunt one. Quiet people are quite often thought of as intelligent and diligent, as well as good keepers of secrets. As good as it may be for one to say nothing, it could be to one's great profit for others to not be so. Silence is golden and I have been told gold is currently a very good investment.

Be Clearly Vague.

If one must talk, then be vague and confusing. The nice thing about being vague is that people will quite often pretend to understand for fear of seeming stupid. Then when they do the wrong thing, they only have themselves to blame. But one should never blame them...One should be too busy being vague and confusing. Eventually the ones trying to understand will start believing they are stupid and quit or get fired, leaving only the others who are also being vague. Sometimes there are great battles of vagary between incoherent warriors of confusion. Be prepared and avoid taking on too strong of an opponent. If one gets backed into a corner, one might try saying "I have a spreadsheet on that, let me go get it." or "They never gave me my authorization for that." or "I have to run to the bathroom real fast. I will get right back to you." or "Didn't Charlie get with you on that? You really need to talk to him." or "Have you done your 7 Tau training yet? I heard they won't promote you unless you have completed it. I am a forth level orange belt. My chi has brought several quotas into corporate management. Business holds standards above profit margins until projected models diminish hardware issues and capacity stands strong along with output and productivity." As a last resort, one might try speaking words from a made up language. One, however, must beware that one's opponent might feint understanding.

Never Lie, Just Deny.

I mean everything. Even if someone says one did a good job, one should still deny it. Trust me. It is a trap. And it will make you look modest. Good, bad, everything. Deny it. When denial becomes dangerous, just be vague (see above). Never admit anything. If one is not doing anything, then one did not do it, so don't lie. Never lie. Just deny. Deny everything. It is said that if one never lies, one will never have to remember anything. Well, same thing holds true here. Just deny it. Deny even denying it. It will only help one's efforts to be vague and confusing (see above). Always deny.

Plead the Fifth.

Don't say anything. If one MUST say something, be vague. When confusion fails one, deny everything. Finally, if all else fails, go back to the start. SHUT UP! One only does one harm by defending oneself. ("Look how they are defending themselves! They must be guilty!") Anything out of one's mouth is suspect and thus will only make one look worse. Say nothing and if one's innocence must be pleaded, find someone else to do it. There is a reason that we are protected from incriminating ourselves. It is because it is so easy to do.

No Memory, No Worries.

People are very forgiving of things forgotten, namely because we have all done it. When one can't deny, one should forget. It is said if one never lies, one will never have to remember anything. Well one will never have to remember anything one has forgotten, so if one forgets everything, one won't have to remember anything either.

Friends in ALL Places.

Befriend everyone everywhere, from the lowest janitors to the most insidious and repugnant vice presidents. One never knows where valuable information will come from. Having the good will of those above us may seem obvious, but it is entirely too common that we disregard and ignore opportunities to befriend supervisors. From a simple sincere smile to listening to their mindless chatter or even going out after work for a beer (but beware there is nothing more dangerous than a drunk supervisor), every opportunity should be explored cautiously. The time will come when one makes a mistake and that mistake is then discussed in a meeting by those above and around them. So often the only difference between a dismissal and a stern talking to is simply whether anyone at that meeting will stand up for one. Sometimes just a simple "I don't think we should fire them for that", even from a nobody, is enough to save a job. We all need advocates. One should cultivate them everywhere one can.

Pick Your Battles - NOT!

Never battle. Never fight. Never take it personally. Never make it personal. If one starts feeling anger, one should go make a spreadsheet, then show that spreadsheet to the person who made them angry, asking their opinion on how to make said spreadsheet better. Love one's enemies. They are all one has.

Relevance is Opinion.

Make the meaningless meaningful. One should always strive to make what ever they are currently working on seem the most important thing that the company is working on. It does not matter how ridiculous the claim is, if said loud enough, often enough, people will start believing it. For one who is not actually doing anything it becomes all the more important for that thing which is not being done to appear critically vital. The good news is, since one isn't actually doing anything, one will have lots of free time with which to accomplish this task. May I suggest lots of charts and spreadsheets. A good PowerPoint presentation never hurt either.

Opinion is Power.

What people think about one is much more important than any sort of work ethic or skill base. In fact, one will have much better success at gaining favorable opinions if they abandon work ethics and appear incompetent. This is because most of those around us are without ethics and skills themselves, and feel less threatened by those like themselves. Sometimes one's success can actually lead to one's downfall. "The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese." It is survival of the fittest. Standing out from the herd makes one the target of predators. Stay in the pack and stay safe. Yes, eventually we all get picked off but as long as we are in the herd, the odds remain in our favor.

Summary: Contrary to reality, one will find the path to success in the business world most easily traversed using inaction and misunderstanding. The less one does, and the less this is understood about one, the faster one shall climb that corporate ladder. The higher one goes, the less one has to suffer the burdens of work and accountability, while having their salaries skyrocket. This is the corporate way.

Oh...And I wouldn't get caught reading or distributing this material either if I were you. The truth hurts and a wounded manager can be a very dangerious animal.