With the current state of society, revealing one's gayness puts homosexuality at the top of many people's lists when they think of you or understand you. This is disproportionatly large to what it should be. If you wait to tell only those who know you exceptionally thoughoutly then when they know, they will think of you the same way that they did before, but they will understand you better. Yes, their opinion will change, but you will not be So-and-so, the gay guy, in their minds. You will be you, of which gayness is one quality.
This is why I choose to tell only a few people of my sexual orientation. Sometimes being a bit mysterious or lieing by not tellin the truth is better than allowing yourself to be known olny as a label by those that don't know you very well.
I do believe what I have said, and doubt that it will change greatly, but there is something that is sorta nebulous that I am still trying to figure out: I am trying to deciede if the same policy should be true for my interactions with the gay community. Thus far I have not participated in any organized group commited to GLB cuases or GLB socialization. The reason is the same as above. I don't want to be known by those that I meet at one of these groups as primarily a gay guy, and secondarily as who I am. Unfortunately, homosexuality ranking SO high in the realm of defining characteristics is not limited to the general heterosexual society; it extends to the gay comunity as well. I still can't decide if this is a reason to deprive myself of the chance to meet people who share this characteristic, or not. . . .
Jerry (a.k.a. the guy still trying to justify the existence of his closet walls)
Jerry wrote:
I know this sounds cavalier and I don't mean for it to sound judgemental, but I honestly believe that being closeted makes "gayness" hold too much importance in how you are "defined." Keeping it secret fosters the idea that it is something wrong or bad that needs to be hidden for some reason.
That's exactly the reason I am OUT. Whether you are in or out of the closet, if someone defines you primarily by your sexual orientation, then they are probably not worth knowing in the first place. (Why do I feel compelled to insert Jesse Helms' name here for emphasis?!) I want people to know from the beginning - AND for it to be "no big deal". I'm out because I don't want to begin a friendship (or even a professional relationship) with someone and then have the nature of it change when they find out that I'm gay. Of course, being straight isn't seen as a defining characteristic because it is assumed. But being gay or bi is by nature a defining characteristic because it's something that makes you different (like being very tall, having green hair, having 10 siblings, being from Montana, etc.). If you currently associate with people who can't cope with some of your defining "labels", then you probably won't hang around them much longer. I can certainly empathize and understand the necessity of closets in any number of contexts (guarding against professional descrimination, maintaining parental financial or emotional support,
questioning and just not ready to be out, etc.), but my bottom line on this whole in or out conversation is this: As much as I initially didn't want to come out and as difficult as it was for me to begin coming out in various contexts, I would NEVER EVER go back. And I've never met another person who has regretted coming out either. It's certainly not easy; in fact, it's often scary and painful, but it is definitely worth it overall.
Jerry writes:
This is so sensible and thoughtful--I really thank Jerry for his whole message, which certainly strikes a chord in my heart.
Obviously, it is not wise to come out to somebody who might then beat you up, or fire you, or harm you in some other concrete way. That aside, what Jerry has identified is for me the very hardest part of coming out--worse even than knowing that dear old granny will have a hard time embracing my sleeping in the same bed for eighteen years with the same terrific man. Even the good guys are sometimes a problem: I have this sweet hetero acquaintance whom I see about twice a year at scholarly conferences. He always spends the first twenty minutes telling me how wonderful gay people are. I think he really
means it, but it is soooo difficult to cut through all that well-meaning bullshit and get down to the place where we are just people (though he and I DO get to that point). I imagine that this is something that Black people face with White people all the time.
Here's how I deal with the problem that Jerry so eloquently describes:
As it was, #2 clearly surprised and somewhar discomforted him. He immediately started telling me about his girlfriend, and how he is looking forward to getting married and having a big family some day. To some extent he was just using a polite way to tell me that he is not gay. Still, in Jerry's words, at least temporarily "my gayness . . . held an importance in [this decent guy's] understanding of me that is too large" for what I would have preferred.
HOWEVER, this WILL pass: I know from previous experience that this student will almost certainly get over it and put my gayness in perspective as just one of the many aspects of my personality that makes me, to use Jerry's word, "unique." I think that this is partly because, for ME, it is just not that big a deal. Yeah, the significant other in my life is a man, and that IS important. And I have six grandchildren, too, soon to be seven. And I hate raw brocoli but I love it cooked. And I'm bald. Yatta yatta yatta.
And if this particular person can't deal with this particular part of me and my life then that is his loss, and I pity him. I'm not going to live my life in fear that those afflicted with homphobia will not be able to get past my natural sexual preferences. The MULTITUDE of people--queer and nonqueer-- who CAN put sexuality in its proper perspective are the ones who really interest me and reward me with their trust and friendship. At worst, the rest are gonna get a bit of shock treatment that maybe will do them some good.
There is a very good argument for not wearing one’s gayness so prominently that it is immediately aparent to everyone. Studies have shown that personal interactions with gay folks improving their attitudes toward gay folk. Yet, those whose attitudes most need improving will never get to know us in the first place if they know we are gay from the 1st time they meet us.
However, I think of this not so much as a justification for being closeted as for being discreet. I keep my private life fairly private. I try not ot make and issue of my sexuality. However, when the issue comes up I try to be honest and up front with most folks that I know fairly well. The exceptions are generally a) those that have given me indications that I will expect a major homophobic reaction ( I wait for an occasion when I’ve got the time and energy to deal with it before coming out) or b) individuals who could create major problems for me in my professional life.
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 12:36:00 -0400 (EDT)
To: dukelgb@acpub.duke.edu
From: Brian Denton
Subject: Another other perspective
Now, I generally agree with people who first stated that they don't want to be defined by orientation (that's why I'm still in my closet) . . . What I don't want is for this fact (my gayness) to hold an importance in people's understanding of me that is too large. . .>
From: RonButters@aol.com
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 14:32:53 -0400 (EDT)
To: dukelgb@acpub.duke.edu
Subject: am I really just "Mr. Faggot"?
What I don't want is for this fact (my gayness) to hold an importance in
people's understanding of me that is too large. I have my own unique characteristics, like being a nice guy, like likeing the things that I do, and like treating the people the way that I do. All of these are more important than my sexual orientation when it comes to understanding me.
I took a student to lunch the other day (I'm a faculty member)--a nice guy, a very attractive undergraduate with whom I had some important (to him) student-faculty business. We had never met before. I think it is fair to say that we liked each other a lot--we have a lot in common in terms of family background, intellectual interests, and political beliefs. We had talked for about a half hour when I told him that I am going to Mexico next month. He said, "Is this a family trip?"
NOW WHAT DO I SAY? (1). The give-as-little-info as possible answer: "I am going with a friend"? (2). The no-bullshit answer: "Well, sort of. I am going with my partner, Stewart, who I've lived with for 18 years"?
I opted for #2.
Why? If I had thought I would never see him again, MAYBE I would have opted for #1. But that isn't the case, so #1 will sooner or later (assuming that I keep working with this student) be inadequate: he will sooner or later ask the question again in some form, or--WORSE--he will find out from somebody else that I am gay, and then I'll have to deal with possible feelings of betrayal that I was not upfront with him in the first place.
From: dukelgb-anon@acpub.duke.edu
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 14:25:38 -0400 (EDT)
To: dukelgb@acpub.duke.edu
Subject: Re: Another perspective
