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This is a poem made for me by a very funny person I met in my chat room. His nick is Ohno and I love him to death. Oh yeah, he is single ladies! Thank you for doing this poem for me Ohno!


I'll love you in the morning
I'll love you in the night
I'll even be your slave
Not just only in the night.

I'll will never leave you alone
Not for a minute or a day
I'll be forever in your presence
And it'll always be that way .

So I hope this will convince you
That you're the only one for me
So please stay with me forever
And in time you're bound to see.

And now that I've come to an end
There's just one more thing to say
Unbutton your blouse and give us a wiggle
I'd really love to watch them sway.

By Richard Martin


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Everything on this page was found on other websites and it made me LMAO. I wanted to share with my friends so they could LOL as well. I do not agree with all that is said but I do find it hilarious. Hope you enjoy!

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I never leave you in agony 'cause I can't last more then 2 minutes in bed
And you won't see me farting like a pig because of something I was fed
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding,
I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men,
Or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man, arent you?


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THE FEMALE MAKES THE RULES.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE
The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.


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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

.Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.

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DOWNFALLS OF MANHOOD

You have to take out the garbage.

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

No sofas in your restrooms.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.

James Bond movies only come out every two years.

Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first"


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THE LAST THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:

I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother****er.
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
F*** Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.

I have got to be fair about this sorry girls!


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THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big!
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.

What A WOMAN SAYS:

Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and me need to clean up.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

WHAT A MAN HEARS:

C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND ME blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!


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If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.BR>
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.


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WHAT WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A PENIS

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes!"


What Men Would Do If They Had a Vagina

Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

See if they could finally do splits.

See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

Cross their legs without rearranging.

Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes . . . BEFORE closing time.

Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.

Finally find that damned G-spot.

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MEN ARE

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.


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Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is queer.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratificatification.

BLACK: These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing.

GRAY: The color gray a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's need. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

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4 KINDS OF SEX


HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**K YOU"

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny you've got.



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Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls.

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.
*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.
*Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
*Good girls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
*Good girls prefer the missionary position.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'

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Remember When....

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead

Author Unknown

Romantic Gifts for Your Love

Gift Ideas

Flowers
Cards
Candy
Stuffed Animals
Books
Jewelry
Music CD's
T-Shirts
Picture of yourself
Picture of the two of you
Handmade coupons with redeemable hugs, kisses, massages, etc.
Lingerie
Candles


Virtual Florist

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Believing


My love for you is strong and true,
But without you, my life would be blue.
Although it is hard being so far apart,
The love that binds us comes from the heart.
I only dream about your arms around me,
But soon that closeness will forever be.
And when that day is here to stay,
We'll never part for more than a day.
So always believe in our future dreams,
And we'll make reality more than it seems.
And by working together to make it right,
Our love for each other will forever glow bright.
Lynnette Lacey

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Here are some kewl recipes you may want to try with your lover.

**Recipe of Love**

Ingredients:
1/2 a cup of Affection
A pinch of cuddles
3 tablespoons of pure sweetness
A great big kiss

Directions:
Dim the lights then mix them very slowly together.


BED CAKE

2 pair laughing eyes
2 pair loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 large banana
1 fur lined mixing bowl
2 nuts

Mixing Instructions:

Look into laughing eyes, spread well shaped legs, squeeze and massage milk containers, leaving fur lined mixing bowl well greased... add banana. Gently work banana in and out until well creamed. Cover with nuts. Cake is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils and lick the bowl. If cake rises, leave town immediately.


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Believe it or not I DO NOT hate men. I just think it's about time that women had a few good laughs at men's expense. No harm intended guys! Here is a picture for you to make up for my warped sense of humor. Hope you like it guys :-)





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Email: jyelton@grits.net