He came down south from Maryland, a land of slender maids!
And he thought he'd seen it all, until his "New South" days!
With eyes strained from the gobs of cellulite he saw,
Am I trapped on Richard Simmons' Show??
He thought with dismal awe!!
So, he's been searching for a woman with a normal weight.
And a mind that thinks 'bout something, 'cept the last time that she ate!
What he found is "God's Pork Palace", where they gather in the round,
And stomp and grunt and snort for a chance to slop it down!
They call it "Cakolacki", the land where "King Helms" sits,
And southern Jumbo Bimbos with brains the size of grits!
They swoon for old "Rhett Butler", and can't imagine what went wrong!
But they seem to miss the issue,
It's in their size forty thong!
If you ever want to see them, go to the eatinest place around.
They'll be downing grits n' gravy, and fried "taters" by the pound!
But plan to get there early and be leaving before four!
'Cause all that's gonna save you, is they can't fit back through the door!
I guess I better go now, they'll find no humor in my rhymes!
They'll be fightin' mad and nasty, and want to kick me in my chimes!
And I've heard that "Carpetbaggers" can get lynched
For dissing "Southern Pride"!
But listen! Hey There, Lady, if by chance you got my drift,
As I exit very quickly out of stage door left!
You say you've got a decent shape, a mind, and other things to share?
Hey, I'd like to get to know you!
I've seen some heavy times here.
No pun intended there!
Please get a message to me. I'm disguised in my tourist's face!
Write this "Yankee" guy from Maryland, and maybe even make his day!
But sorry! I don't ride a "Harley" or have a pierced derriere!
And for "Barbie Dolls" and "Young Things", I really do not care!
But if you can write an interesting letter,
There's an Email Box down there!

Like Dick Gregory said! "You Might Be Southern, But That Don't Mean You're A Comfort!"

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